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Tales from a Married Man


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Hi to everyone on this forum, I'm very much the new guy here and was drawn here by Googling other people's stories. I guess I thought I'd share my story and see what kind of advice people had. Yes I expect to be judged and that's okay.

 

First off I have been married for going on 12 years now. Last year we had our first child together and I absolutely adore our child. For maybe the last 3-4 years the sex and affection had been in a steady decline. We have talked and fought about this and nothing changes. Before we had our child the sex wasn't good either. She did it as a duty rather than from passion or want. Again we have discussed this and she doesn't do anything about it. Apart from this aspect of the relationship everything is fine. We get on really well, but are more like best friends or roommates.

 

A year and a half ago I told her in one argument that if I ever cheat, it's not all on me. There was no response. Fast forward a couple of months ago and I have started that affair.

 

It didn't happen by accident, I was looking for it. I met another woman online and we hit it off instantly. On our first date we couldn't keep our hands of each other, and I haven't felt that passion in a very long time. The second date we had sex and it was mind blowing.

 

This may sound strange, but I have been 100% honest with this woman. I never lied about my situation or made promises I couldn't keep. We text daily and meet once or twice a week.

 

I have feelings for this woman, but I think its lust more than anything else. Yes I like her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her, but I know deep down that's what will probably happen. After our first date, I gave her an out, but she was blind to it. I don't feel good about any of this, or what I'm doing to my wife and family. I don't feel good about what I'm doing to this woman either.

 

I love my wife but don't feel I can go on without any passion or sex. This woman made me feel like a man again and the urge and desire is through the roof. She has promised me that should would never do anything to mess up my home life or hurt me and I believe her.

 

Deep down I know this is wrong, but it feels so right.

Edited by EH6
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I love my wife but don't feel I can go on without any passion or sex.

 

Oh yes you can, and you will.

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Oh yes you can, and you will.

 

I wish it was that easy. This isn't something I woke up one day and decided to do. This has been going on for years to the point I have acted on my desires.

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Hope Shimmers
Apart from this aspect of the relationship everything is fine. We get on really well, but are more like best friends or roommates.

 

If I had a dime, for every time...

 

This may sound strange, but I have been 100% honest with this woman. I never lied about my situation or made promises I couldn't keep.

 

What promises did you make that you COULD keep?

 

Yes I like her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her, but I know deep down that's what will probably happen.

 

I love my wife but don't feel I can go on without any passion or sex.

 

These two statements are not congruent with each other.

 

Or are you saying that you are going to have an affair for your entire marriage?

 

Did you have a specific question... are you looking for advice... or what?

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Lurkeraspect

Welcome to LS,

 

You say the OW won't tell your BS, and maybe she will and maybe she won't. You'd be wise to do some reading around here, plenty of OW, fall in love, start demanding more, and when that doesn't work are more than happy to blow your world up. I also hope you realize that's not the only way you can get busted. You'll likely get careless, she'll get suspicious, start digging, and you'll be back here crying that you're going to lose your wife and be a part time dad.

 

Here's a better way to handle this.

 

Divorce your wife, become the best part time dad you can be, and have all the wild, monkey sex you can get.

 

The odds are not in your favor, no matter how clever you think you are.

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If I had a dime, for every time...

 

 

 

What promises did you make that you COULD keep?

 

 

 

These two statements are not congruent with each other.

 

Or are you saying that you are going to have an affair for your entire marriage?

 

Did you have a specific question... are you looking for advice... or what?

 

 

Thanks for the feedback. Don't know how to do the whole multi quote thing but will do my best to answer the question.

 

First off I made no promises. Was clear that I won't leave my wife, and that was looking to find a FWB type thing. I don't believe that she was lookimg for that, but here we are.

 

Am I going to have an affair for my entire marriage? That's a good question that I can't answer. In my head I have imagined being caught, which is very likely. I figure the marriage will end, or through counseling get better. Do I want to get caught? No. Bearing in mind this is all new territory for me, and not something I have any experience doing.

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if you want to be married, you have to give up the affair. that's only fair to the OW.

 

If you want the affair, you have to give up the marriage. That's only fair to your wife.

 

it really is that simple.

 

No matter what your OW says now, she will eventually want more from you, especially as she develops feelings for you.

 

Your wife will be devastated by your betrayal if, or when, she discovers it. ready for that scenario? Most are not prepared for the hailstorm of pain raining down on DDay, and in all directions. (Your OW could also be muddied.)

 

And yes, there is NOTHING like new; new sex, new person, to reignite passion. But even that grows old with day in, day out exposure....It's no longer new, no longer secret, illicit, forbidden.

 

So what are you willing to sacrifice at that alter? And who are you willing to hurt here?

 

Do you woo your wife like you do your OW? i think not. Do you respect your OW as you do your wife? i don't think so. She is still your well-kept secret.

 

Only you can decide what is the honorable choice. only you can decide what your legacy will be: Either one of honesty or one of deceipt.

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actually you did make a promise. One on the day of your wedding. That vow didn't last. Then you made a promise to yourself that if your wife wasn't going to please you, you'd find it elsewhere. And you have. Is that a fair accessment thus far? I think so. With that in mind, lets look in the crystal ball and see what lays ahead... you'll either repeat this behavior thru out your marriage, you'll try to recoup your damaged marriage , or C your child will one day wonder what marriage is based off your stepping out behavior. Its luckily your choice as an adult how you influence the future. So which shall it be?

Scientifically men have gone without intimacy... and they survived, even thrived! Amazing even. So how is it you cannot go on without it?

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Lack of interest in sex at almost any age may be an indication of a medical or psychiatric problem. Unless your wife has gotten some professional attention, and specifically unless you have helped her to get some professional attention, your moral position is roughly comparable to someone who goes out for a hike with his wife and, when she stumbles, abandons her on the trail and joins up with a hiker in better condition, leaving it to her to figure out how to deal with her broken ankle.

 

Enjoy the rest of your hike. I'm sure there's lots of pretty scenery up ahead.

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Lack of interest in sex at almost any age may be an indication of a medical or psychiatric problem. Unless your wife has gotten some professional attention, and specifically unless you have helped her to get some professional attention, your moral position is roughly comparable to someone who goes out for a hike with his wife and, when she stumbles, abandons her on the trail and joins up with a hiker in better condition, leaving it to her to figure out how to deal with her broken ankle.

 

Enjoy the rest of your hike. I'm sure there's lots of pretty scenery up ahead.

 

I have extended my hand many times on the trail you speak of. Every discussion and talk of seeing a doctor has been fruitless. For years I've seen the paradise that lays ahead of me on that trail, but never tread any further. Maybe I have abandoned her for my selfish needs.

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Make an appointment and take her.

 

Marriage is many things, but one of them is the art of getting someone you care about to do things they need to do, but don't want to.

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Lurkeraspect

I'd be real interested to hear her side of this. When you have these discussions and arguments, what does she say the reason is for the lack of sex?

 

If you've really had all these long heartfelt talks and nothing changes (to the point of your stepping out). Why don't you ask for an open marriage. If she says no way, then it's an ultimatum, that this gets worked on or fixed, or you're filing for divorce. Then do it.

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Hope Shimmers
Thanks for the feedback. Don't know how to do the whole multi quote thing but will do my best to answer the question.

 

First off I made no promises. Was clear that I won't leave my wife, and that was looking to find a FWB type thing. I don't believe that she was lookimg for that, but here we are.

 

Am I going to have an affair for my entire marriage? That's a good question that I can't answer. In my head I have imagined being caught, which is very likely. I figure the marriage will end, or through counseling get better. Do I want to get caught? No. Bearing in mind this is all new territory for me, and not something I have any experience doing.

 

Sorry; I didn't mean to blast you. I'm a little short on patience for married/committed men who have affairs lately, but I'll try not to aim it at you.

 

Is this OW married? How long have you been seeing her? You said she wasn't wild about the FWB thing - that indicates that she will be even MORE likely to get attached and want more from you.

 

Is there an emotional connection or it is mainly just the sex? If you weren't having sex with her would you be attracted to her?

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This woman made me feel like a man again

 

What does this mean? One of my best friends, who is a married woman, said this of her affair partner. That he made her feel like a woman again. I didn't understand that. What does it mean? Why did you not feel like a man before?

Edited by Popsicle
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GypsumSatellite

Well, your words sound somewhat similar to things my MM said about his W long before we ever got together as lovers. There ought be a warning sign that says "If I talk smack about my wife and mother of my kid...run." Let me take you into the mind of some OW when they hear that you have a roommate marriage. "Oh, well, I can sort him out." then it becomes "Well, if I'm giving him what he really wants, why am I only good enough as a FWB?" and then "I have needs too, when is he going to meet those needs of mine?"

 

And right there is when you're going to tell the OW she knew what she was getting into and you don't have time to be her boyfriend or whatever else you want to make her believe so she'll chill out and get back to making you happy again.

 

Down the road, when your OW finds her voice again... she's going to start asking you the same kinds of hard questions your wife may have at one time discussed with you before the sex started dying off. Sometimes, what kills passion in the bedroom is the 99% of the rest of the person we deal with the rest of the time. Resentments build up, over such little things really. Resentment is a passion killer. You could have the hottest sex life ever with the most willing wife ever and the second you start bottling up your feelings or being less than the person she fell in love with? The vagina closes up shop.

 

You gotta engage your wife's brain. Don't come at her with a "Why aren't we making love like we used to?" stance. Come at her with "Hey, have you noticed our relationship has changed? How are you feeling about things? What have you noticed that we may need to work on. Is there anything troubling you?"

 

Yeah, touchy feely stuff. Give her time to frame it out into a conversation. Eve better, give her time to do this when the kid is with a friend or other family member so it's just you and her.

 

But... really, the time to have done that was before you stepped into the A fire. Right now, you need to assess your situation. You now have an OW. Man, you have an OW! Is this really what you want? I'm not saying it's a bad choice, but this is a choice full of pain for too many entrants to the race. On all side, not just the OW/OM side. The MM/MW suffer to. Their Ms suffer. Their families suffer. The longer you have your OW, the more it will turn from just FWB. You won't even expect it to happen but suddenly you'll want to take her out properly. You'll want to experience things with her that your W is just too tired to do now that she's a mom. You'll want to see her eyes light up the way your Ws used to... she'll make you feel like a man, alright, but at what cost to yourself?

 

I know, I'm just an OW being unsupportive. I'm not meaning to climb onto your back and crack a whip. It's just, this is not a fun FWB life. This is not a return to bachelorhood. This is wading into a sharktank, always looking over your shoulder, hoping no one finds out, begging two sets of women to calm down when their needs aren't met. But your needs are met, right?

 

You need to talk to your W, man. Own up to the affair. You might even be able to salvage this marriage if you want to. I offer no promises, but this could have been pretty solvable long before now. You could have proposed a divorce over sneaking around. So much effort for some sex, you know? Wow.

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Why stay married?

 

What does your marriage actually mean and what is its purpose?

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Sorry; I didn't mean to blast you. I'm a little short on patience for married/committed men who have affairs lately, but I'll try not to aim it at you.

 

Is this OW married? How long have you been seeing her? You said she wasn't wild about the FWB thing - that indicates that she will be even MORE likely to get attached and want more from you.

 

Is there an emotional connection or it is mainly just the sex? If you weren't having sex with her would you be attracted to her?

 

The OW is not married, divorced. I do get the sense she will get attached and want more. We did have a discussion about that before we had sex. It's probably inevitable and what dragged me here.

 

Yes there is an emotional attraction, but we meet mostly for sex. If I wasn't having sex I would probably still be attracted to her. Would I want to start a full on relationship if I was single? Probably not.

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What does this mean? One of my best friends, who is a married woman, said this of her affair partner. That he made her feel like a woman again. I didn't understand that. What does it mean? Why did you not feel like a man before?

 

The feeling of being wanted and desired. Looking in to that other persons eyes and seeing the want and desire in there eyes. All those things make me feel like a man again.

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The OW is not married, divorced. I do get the sense she will get attached and want more. We did have a discussion about that before we had sex. It's probably inevitable and what dragged me here.

 

Yes there is an emotional attraction, but we meet mostly for sex. If I wasn't having sex I would probably still be attracted to her. Would I want to start a full on relationship if I was single? Probably not.

 

So do the right thing and end it then. Stop using her.

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So do the right thing and end it then. Stop using her.

 

Come on be fair, she has the choice to end it too. I never twisted this woman's arm, or even lied to her. She's in this with her eyes wide open.

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What about telling your wife what you are doing and giving her the opportunity to decide if she wants to stay married to you?

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Come on be fair, she has the choice to end it too. I never twisted this woman's arm, or even lied to her. She's in this with her eyes wide open.

 

Every so often we get a married man like you who is so full of himself. The wife is not good enough for him and neither is the OW. He is just so special!

 

He always starts his post in the OM/OW section too, rather than the infidelity sectioin

 

And lets not act like you deserve any type of fairness...

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Come on be fair, she has the choice to end it too. I never twisted this woman's arm, or even lied to her. She's in this with her eyes wide open.

 

 

But, but, but...

 

 

Your poor wife IS NOT in this with her eyes wide open is she? You have in fact twisted your wife's arm to stay married to you, or more aptly you are regularly lying to your wife to manipulate her to stay married to you. This is abuse in case you didn't realise. If you don't believe me, then a simple internet search will reveal that what you are doing is emotionally and psychologically abusive to you wife. Does this make you an abuser do you think? As for the OW she is willingly inserting herself into your wife's marriage, behind your wife's back, which makes her a party to your abuse.

 

 

I think you need to be honest with your wife that the lack of sex, affection and intimacy is causing you to look elsewhere for them. With hindsight I really wish my husband had had this talk with me before looking elsewhere. Like you are apparently doing, he grumbled about the lack of frequency of our sex life (we weren't sexless but it was obviously less than he wanted) but at no point did he lay it on the line for me. Yes it would have been brutal but at least I'd have known exactly how things were and could have made my choices in full knowledge of the consequences. Instead I got lied to and betrayed (ie manipulated and abused) for many years, until we had our D-day.

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