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Do these situations exist?


RightThere

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Short version of my story. Separated, but not divorced (yet) but agreement is in place and just waiting for court date to finalize. One daughter who we share. And fairly amicable (mostly because I am the grown up in our relationship).

 

I'm on friendly (enough) terms with my STBXW and we were having a conversation the other day. One of our other married friend has also decided to split, but for now, they're not going to tell their kids and just live together (separate bedrooms) until they find other people or are ready to move out.

 

This has been the situation for a few months, but the wife was talking to my STBXW about it and was talking about how they're getting their "needs" met with other people. She wanted to make sure it would be OK with my STBXW if she started pursuing me. I wasn't supposed to know this, but my STBXW shared it with me and did tell her that she was totally OK with it (and I think she actually is).

 

I noticed her being flirty before and I was just friendly to her, but now I'm anticipating her stepping up her game. But of course, my alarm bells start going off thinking:

1) This is obviously the wife's version of the story. Is her husband's version the same

2) Do these types of situations really exist (and are they sustainable) where people who are separated but living together date and the other person is OK with everything?

 

As much as I do think this other woman is very attractive, I just don't want to fall into the same trap my STBXW laid for some of her other men telling them "The marriage is dead" or "we're separated but not leaving each other".

 

Pretty sure I'll steer clear of this, but wondering if I'm over thinking these situations now too much because I'm a bitter betrayed spouse?

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I'd say such situations are rare, but not impossible. How well they'd work - if at all - depends on the people involved, more than the situation.

 

I know of a couple where each cheated with another couple who were friends. It turned out that their affair partners were far better matches all around. They stayed married to their original spouses for a variety of reasons, all remained friends, but they live with their affair partners as if married to them. Strange, but true. And this has been the situation for over 20 years.

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TrustedthenBusted

I would go right down to Home depot and pick up a 10 foot pole.

 

You're gonna need it.

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autumnnight

In-house separations suck. Big time. I would not involve myself in the inevitable drama that would ensue.

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In-house separations suck. Big time. I would not involve myself in the inevitable drama that would ensue.

 

I know. My STBXW was trying to have some dating type relationships while she was still in the process of moving out and I told her I would not put up with that for one second. We are still definitely 100% getting divorced, and she was free to jump in the deep end of the dating pool as soon as she was out the door. But until then, there was no 'effing was I was going to put up with that while she was still dragging her feet getting out the door into her own place.

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TrustedthenBusted

The only "in-house" separation I've ever seen work was a local couple who also owned a rental apartment. When they split up, they decided rather than have the kids go back and forth between two places, the kids would stay in the home, and the parents would take turns living in the rental apartment. They ate dinner together most nights, and then one parent would leave.

 

Then there were rules about what could go on in the apartment. Obviously it was going to be used as a bang shack, but it had to be CLEAN, with CLEAN LINENS, and no pictures or obvious signs of shenanigans when the respective tenant showed up.

 

They kept this routine up through the divorce, and as far as i know, are still rocking it today. It hasn't been without incident ( as one romp resulted in breaking the bed, and that did not go over well, hahaha) but on the whole, it seemed to work as good as can be expected. And it saved them money as they didn't have to sell their family home or anything.

 

If I end up in this place, I think I'd try to follow this same program, as it is best for the kids.

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autumnnight

It is a bit strange. I cannot imagine ANY of my female friends coming up to me and saying, "Hey, your ex husband is kinda cute. Mind if I hit that?"

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It is a bit strange. I cannot imagine ANY of my female friends coming up to me and saying, "Hey, your ex husband is kinda cute. Mind if I hit that?"

 

I will say our relationship is very unusual at this stage, but it does fit with where we are both at.

 

I think she is very OK with the idea

1) Because she's been checked out of our relationship for years, so there is nothing left between us at all anymore in her eyes

2) I think she would secretly feel better if I was out there "gettin' some" because I would be moving on and she wouldn't feel as bad for the years of "gettin' some" while we were married.

 

Outwards appearances to all our friends (and even to my STBXW) is that we are totally amicable in our separation. I'm just keeping that ruse going until she's fully moved out an into her place and we've got a good routine going with our daughter. The moment I start showing my "I don't give a crap about you or what you want" anymore, I'm thinking she'll start being difficult again.

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I wouldn't trust anything your WW set up for you.

 

She's not so much setting it up as she is just giving it her blessing.

 

Why would you even go there?

 

Right now I'm giving my computer screen the one raised eyebrow while I utter "Because I'm a guy.........."

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She's not so much setting it up as she is just giving it her blessing.

 

 

 

Right now I'm giving my computer screen the one raised eyebrow while I utter "Because I'm a guy.........."

 

 

I don't want to put words in Cephalopods mouth but I think what he was getting at is birds of a feather flock together and if this gal is friends with your wife and confides this kind of stuff with her, then God only knows what kind of shady things they are really up to.

 

If they are birds of a feather then why do you think this gal is being honest with her husband and your wife? And why do you think your wife is being honest with you about this after years of deciet and deception and maltreatment?

 

The fact that you are a guy, just means that you want what they are supposedly saying to be true and that it will be free, easy poontang with no cost or repercussions.

 

You know that somewhere along the chain from that woman to your wife to you, that someone is pulling someone's chain. Somewhere along the line, you are getting played here.

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I don't want to put words in Cephalopods mouth but I think what he was getting at is birds of a feather flock together and if this gal is friends with your wife and confides this kind of stuff with her, then God only knows what kind of shady things they are really up to.

 

If they are birds of a feather then why do you think this gal is being honest with her husband and your wife? And why do you think your wife is being honest with you about this after years of deciet and deception and maltreatment?

 

Exactly my initial thought to the whole situation.

 

Although I expect most BS's to have a similar reaction to my own, I just don't want to fall too far into a mindset of a BS and be bitter and question everything with what the ulterior motive is.

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My xH and I were separated under one roof for just over a year while we sorted out the division of assets. However, neither of us dated during that period. We discussed dating and were both okay with it away from home, but neither of us did (that I know of). For mine, I just wasn't ready at all. But I would have been supportive if my xH had decided to.

 

On the flip side I have a work colleague who is currently separated under one roof and she and her xH helped each other set up OLD profiles. They have decided to remain cohabitating until their daughter is older. The rationale is that they're better off continuing to share care and finances and it's an amicable split. Appears to be working for them thus far and it's been that way for about two years now.

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whichwayisup

Listen to your gut on this. You mentioned steering clear of her, do just that! You don't know if (ex)husband is actually on board with the open marriage concept, especially with you! This is a recipe for disaster and probably will cause unnecessary drama you don't need! Run and don't look back...

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Surely there are other women you could get involved with. Women who do not discuss their sex life - or anything else - with your STBXW.

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Exactly my initial thought to the whole situation.

 

Although I expect most BS's to have a similar reaction to my own, I just don't want to fall too far into a mindset of a BS and be bitter and question everything with what the ulterior motive is.

 

This is where the value of context comes into play. If your neighbor 3 doors down tells you that the gal 5 doors down is interested in you, that is one thing. She has no reason to lie, manipulate or pull something over on you.

 

If you have an issue with that, then maybe you are being paranoid and letting your BS mindset get the best of you.

 

However your STBX has a long, established track record of pulling crap and any associate of hers should be suspect as well.

 

Being suspicious of anything that comes out of her mouth is not being paranoid. It's being wise.

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.....She earned the right to have you question her every word and assume ulterior motives in everything she does.

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You don't know if (ex)husband is actually on board with the open marriage concept, especially with you!

 

This is very much on my mind as well. The wife was actually almost pushing my STBXW to feel free to start something up with her husband if she was interested. My STBXW told he she really wasn't as he's not her type. I don't doubt that from a personality standpoint, but my STBXW would screw just about anything that showed a modest amount of interest in her.

 

The wife seemed to indicate the husband was already on this open marriage train, but reality is often very different from perception. The husband and I aren't buddy-buddy, be definitely friendly when we all hang out together. I would absolutely not consider this at all if he was even on the fence about the whole situation. Still just another layer of strange to me.

 

Funny aside story, but we were at an event with a bunch of other families and kids. One of the other mom's that I chat with sometimes was there and I noticed that she had chopped a bunch of her hair off. I asked her if she had gotten her hair done (obviously) and she said "yes". So I told her it looked very nice.

 

My mother-in-law was at this event as well, overheard what I had said and promptly went and found my STBXW to tell her. My STBXW mentioned it to me later that my MIL said I was flirting with this other mom and my STBXW told my MIL "That was fine and she's very nice and if they did end up getting together, she was totally fine with it."

 

I was actually just trying to be nice as I know this other mom has been going through some personal stuff, but in my head I was just thinking "Do you two actually think I give a #%&* what you think?"

 

I also just find it funny because it feels like my STBXW really wants me to move on and find someone. Maybe so she can feel less guilt for being a crappy wife.

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As much as I do think this other woman is very attractive, I just don't want to fall into the same trap my STBXW laid for some of her other men telling them "The marriage is dead" or "we're separated but not leaving each other"

 

they do -- my parents did it. reasons? i had some health issues and divorce would've stress me out incredibly + they couldn't financially really afford to divorce, move out, blah blah.

 

my father had his OW and my mother was freely dating other men, eventually fell in love with her current partner while still married to my father. of course, they were discreet and i never knew anything until i was old enough for those convos.

 

both of them found partners who were willing to "wait it out" - my parents divorced very amicably when i left for college.

 

my friends also have that arrangement, they can't financially afford to divorce, so they're basically living like roommates.

 

so yes, it most definitely happens.

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I'm surprised that the women OP mentioned and all the responses so far show that people are ready to date so quickly after a split.

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I will say our relationship is very unusual at this stage, but it does fit with where we are both at.

 

I think she is very OK with the idea

1) Because she's been checked out of our relationship for years, so there is nothing left between us at all anymore in her eyes

2) I think she would secretly feel better if I was out there "gettin' some" because I would be moving on and she wouldn't feel as bad for the years of "gettin' some" while we were married.

 

Outwards appearances to all our friends (and even to my STBXW) is that we are totally amicable in our separation. I'm just keeping that ruse going until she's fully moved out an into her place and we've got a good routine going with our daughter. The moment I start showing my "I don't give a crap about you or what you want" anymore, I'm thinking she'll start being difficult again.

 

 

Then why not wait just a bit longer until the D is finalized

 

It sure would make things less complicated to wait and finish one relationship formally before starting the next one.

 

Keeping things simple and in order helps to have less hurtful feelings.

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still_an_Angel

 

 

2) Do these types of situations really exist (and are they sustainable) where people who are separated but living together date and the other person is OK with everything?

 

I tried this arrangement with my stbxh two years after we separated and he asked to come back. I foolishly believed this will benefit the kids having both parents in the house. Wrong move, our situation went from bad to worse. I felt he was shadowing me and was always looking over my shoulder finding out what I do when I go out. The house got divided into "my area" and "his area". All this is because of the dynamics in our relationship, so would not hold true for other couples. It might work for other people if both have truly let go of each other.

 

 

Oh, and OP, think twice and over 10 times if you would really wish to be involved in your stbxw's friend, you don't really know what is happening in their "housing arrangement", it might not be a pretty situation for you once you're involved.

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