Devastated and lost

[StuckInAHole]

I was devastated when I found out my wife had an emotional affair with her boss. She said that she would quit her job and do whatever necessary to make our marriage work; however, we can't afford to live on one source of income. My wife, her boss, and one additional employee workings all work in a small office together so they're like less than 10ft away from each other everyday.

 

 

She said that he's getting promoted and she will not be working under him any more but that's not for another 6 months.

 

 

We have been seeing a marriage counselor and things are slowly healing. We decided getting away for the weekend would do us some good so I saw her text to her boss requesting for some days off and he said yes. She never told me she texted him but I didn't mind that text as it was straight forward and professional.

 

 

We are flying out today after work and I have been checking the phone statement without her knowledge to ensure nothing is being deleted. I saw a number which I believe is her boss. I'm 90% sure and it looks like he initiated the conversation. I do not know what it's about but they exchanged like 10 texts in about 30mins. and it stopped. I called her during lunch and she acted normal without mentioning anything about the text.

 

 

I want to confront her before leaving for our trip but I'm terrified about what I may find. This could destroy this whole trip and collapse our marriage if there's anything remotely devastating in those few text message. I love her and we have a 1.5 year old son together. I really want to make it work but I'm so torn up right now. It's only been 2weeks since I found out and I feel like I'm dying a little everyday.

 

 

My emotion is on a roller coaster right now. I feel fine some days when I'm doing things or counseling but the moment I relax, everything rushes back and I'm depressed again. I hope this feeling passes soon and I hope nothing is in those text. I hope she hasn't deleted them and try to hide them from me as it will only make it worst.

 

 

Any advice will be appreciated.

 

 

Thanks

[Clay]

Sadly she has to quit her Job now if you want to save your marriage. You cant move on unless she ends all contact with this guy all together. Its also best she lets the company know about this. He probably used his position to move in on her and who knows how many other women he has done it too.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I personally don't really suggest ever staying with a cheater. Its just not worth it. Even if you do have kids its still not worth it.

 

Your just going to have to put a stop to this if you want to save the marriage.

 

Clay

[StuckInAHole]

I want to expand on the story a bit more.

 

 

I understand that what she did was wrong; however, after having time to sit down and reflect on our relationship, I want to say we are both to blame in this situation. We've gotten to the point where we are so used to each other and are unappreciative of each other. Everything became routine ever since we had our kid, we both showed the other person less affection and eventually became more of roommates than husband and wife. I realized that now and I'm working hard of fixing everything. I just wished we talked first prior to any infidelity.

 

 

You may be right Clay that quitting her job is the only solution, but we cannot live on one source of income in our current position. Note sure what else to do. I cannot function and be productive at work and starting to fall behind. I haven't been sleeping or eating well and lost a bit of weight. Nothing makes sense right now.

[aliveagain]

Are you sure it was only an emotional affair? It is her responsibility to prove nothing physical happened, will she agree to a polygraph test? Don't give away your sources but I would confront before leaving on a trip with her. If the affair is still going on expose them to his wife. They can not work together, she must have thought about the consequences of having an affair with her boss before starting her affair. Loss of job and loss of family are real consequences of any office infidelity. Decide on what is more important, your wife's job or your family than act accordingly.

[Clay]

All relationships have problems and your right you are 50% to blame for those problems just like she is but the cheating is 100% on her. She put you in this situation and now your feeling the heat of the financial problems with it. If you don't expose the boss and get her out of there then you will be looking at a divorce and a whole new set of financial problems. I am really sorry your going through this but me personally I will never let someone use me like that again.

 

I would call his company and expose him today and tell them you are considering sueing them over this issue. He will more than likely loose his job within a few days. I would make it clear to her. If she wants to be with him she needs to go. If not then she needs to stop all contact with him all together and if you even so much as see a Hi in a text she is out the door.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Clay

[Ronni_W]

Stuck,

You are far less "stuck" than you may realize. You know the problem, you know what caused the problem, you are taking responsibility for your part, and you and your wife know what needs to be done to ensure that neither of you let anything else -- more children, more bills, less free time, whatever-else -- come between you like this, in the future.

 

I would offer to look only forward, and not make yourself crazy looking behind you.

 

The 10-text communication can as easily have been something legit that was work-related...especially given that she'd be away for a day or two. Find out before you decide. If you decide to NOT ask about it, then the onus is on you to let it go...because it is YOUR free-will choice to not ask about it. Don't do it to yourself, to make yourself get stuck in a 'crazy-eight' cycle of thinking-and-feeling.

 

If you need both incomes, then that's the current reality and there's nothing productive that can come of it, if you let your feelings and imagination get the better of you and, in knee-jerk reaction, force the issue of becoming a one-income household.

 

But, YOU do need to take command of your own feelings and imagination. You can...you do have the required faculties, as long as you can back it up with desire and determination. Figure out what you need, to trust your wife that she's free and clear of all the stress and feeling unloved and whatever-else-she-was-feeling.

 

Then, trust yourself that you CAN move forward without letting this incident get in the way of your future happiness and long, happy life with your wife.

 

Wishing you and your family the highest and the happiest!

[sandylee1]

What the WS must do

 

The former cheating spouse has the biggest responsibility in the healing process. They hold the key for the healing of you and your marriage.

 

Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes.

 

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

 

be totally honest with you about everything

 

answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

 

do everything in his / her power to prove to you that you are the one that they want to be with

 

Be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding

 

fully understand the devastation caused

 

accept full responsibility

 

stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them

 

 

recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

 

be able to tell you how sorry she or he is and show you.

 

re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible

 

She or he must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

 

She/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected

 

She/he must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

 

S/He must be willing to seek counseling.

 

S/he must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...

 

She or he must establish boundaries and not cross them

 

Here is a list of things for you must do as the BS

 

Give the necessary time to prove their love and commitment to you.

 

Be open with your feelings

 

.Ask the questions that are important to you

 

.Don't be afraid that you will drive him or her away while you are trying to heal.

 

Stop blaming yourself for his or her actions.

 

Do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.

[Morro72]

... after having time to sit down and reflect on our relationship, I want to say we are both to blame in this situation.

You may both share responsibility for whatever problems there are in your marriage. She, and she alone, is responsible for the A, whatever type of A it is.

[sandylee1]

I understand she can't quit right now as that will add unecessary stress to you both, but she can start looking for another job NOW.

How can you be sure nothing is still going on?

 

Why don't you think the affair was physical?

 

Because you can't take her word for it. She and he saw each other everyday. They certainly had the means and opportunity.

 

Demand full transparency from her. She should show you all communication with him. No deleting messages.

[Satu]

If I were in your position, I would go somewhere alone, and pay myself some attention.

 

You're not just part of a couple, you're a person in your own right.

[StuckInAHole]

To all,

 

 

Thank you for your comments and advice. The reason I believe it was not a physical affair is because I was able to recover all deleted messages from her phone and read everyone of them. From what I can tell, it only started about a month ago. Through all that time, I can account for where she's at at all times. Unless they messed around at work, I don't believe anything is physical.

 

 

She has been patient and understanding about my feelings. She sees that I'm sad and asked about my day. She hugs me and constantly apologizes for her action. I can see remorse in her and she said she will quit her job if I ask her to; however, we are not in a position to have her quit but I will take the advice and ask her to look for another job.

 

 

Ronni W,

 

 

Your words really speaks to me and you are right. I have been trying to shift my mind off the topic so I'm not stuck fantasying about the worst case scenario but that has proven to be difficult. I will confront her when I get home and ask for her phone. 10 texts can mean nothing and all work related but I have to be sure of it. If this marriage is going to work, there can be no more lies.

[whichwayisup]

To all,

 

 

Thank you for your comments and advice. The reason I believe it was not a physical affair is because I was able to recover all deleted messages from her phone and read everyone of them. From what I can tell, it only started about a month ago. Through all that time, I can account for where she's at at all times. Unless they messed around at work, I don't believe anything is physical.

 

 

She has been patient and understanding about my feelings. She sees that I'm sad and asked about my day. She hugs me and constantly apologizes for her action. I can see remorse in her and she said she will quit her job if I ask her to; however, we are not in a position to have her quit but I will take the advice and ask her to look for another job.

 

 

Ronni W,

 

 

Your words really speaks to me and you are right. I have been trying to shift my mind off the topic so I'm not stuck fantasying about the worst case scenario but that has proven to be difficult. I will confront her when I get home and ask for her phone. 10 texts can mean nothing and all work related but I have to be sure of it. If this marriage is going to work, there can be no more lies.

 

Ask her to take an STD test anyway. If she didn't sleep with him, or have oral, then there's nothing to worry about, right? The test will come out clean.

 

And yes, she can put her resume out there and start looking for another job.

 

Is it 100% sure in 6 months her boss is leaving? What if that doesn't happen?

[Methodical]

I would call his company and expose him today and tell them you are considering sueing them over this issue. He will more than likely loose his job within a few days. I would make it clear to her. If she wants to be with him she needs to go. If not then she needs to stop all contact with him all together and if you even so much as see a Hi in a text she is out the door.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Clay

 

I can appreciate your thoughts, but I disagree with threatening a lawsuit. It takes two to tango and she was a willing and ready participant. Also, it's going to be hard to prove an emotional affair. She could say things were bad at home and she needed someone to talk to. His defense, an employee under his authority came to him and he counseled her...unless their text were sexually explicit, of course. Still, to cause the guy to lose his job when she willingly participated seems biased and it doesn't absolve her actions.

[sandylee1]

From what you've said, your situation is hopeful.

 

Men struggle a lot more with a PA.

She's remorseful and understanding

 

Are you in MC? or IC?

 

She needs to understand how not to get into an affair if you have problems in the future. All married couples have issues at some point. They don't all have affairs.

 

'How to help your spouse heal after an affair ' BT Linda Mcdonald is worth her reading.

[cgiles]

I want to say we are both to blame in this situation.

 

So if someone is raped, it's because of the victim's behavior, right ?

 

You can't see the link between rape and infidelity, but both are abuse, and both have a victim and an abuser.

 

In this case you are the victim, and she is the abuser, stop to blame yourself, it's not like that it works.

 

You can't nice her back, so don't even try, you will just appear weak.

 

Is he married ? If yes did you informed his wife ? if not, why ?

[Friskyone4u]

You need to find out what was in those tgen messages in a half hour that you just found and if she is lying to you you shoujld cancel this vacation and save the money.

 

If her boss is married you need to contact his wife immediately and tell her what is going on. And DO NOT tell your wife you are doing that.

 

The big elephant in the room here is that it APPEARS she is still lying to you if those new texts are incriminating.

 

You are not responsible at all for her EA. You are on the same marriage with the same problems and you are not having any affair.

 

If your wife really wanted to stop it all she would have to do is tell him she will file a legal complaint if he does not stop. But if those new texts are flirting she is stilll actively doing it and wants the attention.

 

You can stop this but not if you bury your head in tghe sand and hope for the best because you do not want to spoil her vacation. Confront this NOW

[fellini]

You share the responsiblility for what goes on inside your marriage.

 

You do not share the responsibility for what she does outside the marriage.

 

Infidelity is not something that goes on inside the marriage.

 

So you are correct. You should address what you might have done to improve the marriage YOU are in. Regardless of your expectations of her, we each have an obligation to live our lives to the best of our abilities. And you see that you did not.

 

But she owns 100% the decisions NOT to try either, and she owns 100% the decision to step outside as her "excuse" for her marriage.

 

It is rather unlikely that the marriage, as routine as it was, led to the EA.

 

What led to the EA was her boss willing to flirt with your wife. It is then that waywards suddenly come to the conclusion that their marriages are not great - hardly ever do they think about this before. Opportunity knocks, and the wayward justifies his/her behaviour by looking for stains on the marriage.

 

There are some people here who are very protective of not blaming the vicitm, that they find it difficult to get through the nuance that the BS has done nothing wrong. In terms of infidelity, this is true. But an A, EA or otherwise, is a moment of crises in a marriage in which both parties might do the future of the marriage a favour by looking hard at each of their roles in allowing something really that important to become a flat lifeless space to share together. What you are describing is in all the literature: you jointly allowed your marriage to devolve into a child centred marriage.

 

There is no point in having her quit her job if she does not do a full and honest 180 back into your marriage. And if she does, and can show the depth of her awareness that she nearly walked into the abyss, and can thank her lucky stars that she is OUT, then in the end, it shouldn't matter if she works 10 feet or 10 countries away from him. Albeit at first she needs to unhook herself from those comfortable feelings she has, and NC is generally the way to go. Perhaps the fact of her 1.5 year old and her strong bond as a mother will be more effective than simle "NC"... not an easy case, but you need more intimate communication with her to know what's really going on in her head.

 

Good luck

[aliveagain]

To all,

 

 

Thank you for your comments and advice. The reason I believe it was not a physical affair is because I was able to recover all deleted messages from her phone and read everyone of them. From what I can tell, it only started about a month ago. Through all that time, I can account for where she's at at all times. Unless they messed around at work, I don't believe anything is physical.

 

She has been patient and understanding about my feelings. She sees that I'm sad and asked about my day. She hugs me and constantly apologizes for her action. I can see remorse in her and she said she will quit her job if I ask her to; however, we are not in a position to have her quit but I will take the advice and ask her to look for another job.

 

 

Ronni W,

 

 

Your words really speaks to me and you are right. I have been trying to shift my mind off the topic so I'm not stuck fantasying about the worst case scenario but that has proven to be difficult. I will confront her when I get home and ask for her phone. 10 texts can mean nothing and all work related but I have to be sure of it. If this marriage is going to work, there can be no more lies.

 

When affairs happen at work much of the physical does happen at the office. All you have to do is pretend to work through lunch, stay late to finish a project, sit in a car in the parking area. Physical affairs don't have to include penetration to be physical, some people don't think oral is sex. A lot of physical things can happen on an office desk or office chair, ask any wayward spouse on this site who had an office affair and they will tell you how easy it is to be physical at work.

 

If your going to cheat and get caught expect to be monitored. This is her doing, an affair requires two people and she was a willing participant, nothing you did pushed her into his arms, it was all her choice and she would still be in it had you not caught her. As long as they work together you will never know if it is really over. His wife needs to know the truth.

[StuckInAHole]

After arriving home from work, I asked her for her phone to make sure nothing else is going on between her and her boss. It turned out her boss was sick and texted her that he would not be in that day. What irritated me was her response to him. Instead of just saying "OK", her reply was, "OK. Have a great weekend and see you Wednesday :)". Verbatim. There were some other work related things but I've posted the important part that got to me.

 

 

She told me she confronted her boss the day after I found out and said that she didn't want to talk about anything else unless it's work related; however, after seeing this text, I wonder if anything of that is true or as time passed, she simply forgot. We had a talked about boundaries and what is considered acceptable then moved on to go on our trip.

 

 

The trip was ok for most part. There were time when I felt depressed and I know she can see it in my facial expression but we worked through it.

 

 

To all those who asked, yes the guy is married and just had a second kid. I did not inform his wife for the very reason of not having everything blow up at work and having her lose her job. We just bought a home not too long ago and just making it by with bills. If she loses her job, I'm not sure what will happen but I know it will not be pleasant. I also feel terrible cause I feel obligated to inform his wife but have not done so. Not sure how I would reach hes as well.

 

 

We went to marriage counseling twice as of now. It helped we are still riding on rough terrains. Have not scheduled for a third cause of our kid. It's hard to find a babysitter but we are trying. I don't think I would feel as bad as I do now if she can have NC with her boss but that's not the case. All I can do right now is let time heal my wounds.

 

 

Thanks for listening.

[StuckInAHole]

I just want everyone's opinions on the way she acts. I usually call her during lunch time to see how things are going. She just can't seem to show me affections when she's at work. I know the majority of her coworkers and they often get together at work to have lunch. I can hear them in the background so I kind of know who's there.

 

 

Every time I call her at work, it seems she's very uninterested in talking. In between our conversations, she would occasionally talked with a coworker which confuses me at time as I am wondering if her mind is in the conversation at all. She also have a hard time saying "I love you" when she's at work. Don't know if it has anything to do with her AP being there or not. I can only pray that they are not hanging out anymore but it's beyond my control at this point as like I said, quitting her job is not an option for us. I can only try to trust her words.

 

 

When I initiate ending the conversation, she would say ok and I would pause for a fraction of a second to see if she say "I love you" to me but she doesn't. I would then say "I love you" to her and she would say it back in a quiet tone and very quick.

 

 

My emotions are all over the place right now as there are days where I feel everything is going to be alright and times like this that I question myself if I still want to be in this marriage. This is definitely something we need to addressed between ourselves or in counseling.

[eric1]

She needs to quit the job. It is only going to get worse in your head. It's time for you to decide what is more important, your credit history or your marriage.

[bigman1]

Stuck,

 

I don't necessarily advocate your wife quitting her job. Here is the thing, the job is NOT the problem. Your WIFE IS the problem.

 

Holding her hostage, taking food off of your table, damaging your credit, altering your lifestyle because she can't stop crossing the line is foolish. You can't keep her hostage. A lot of BS's advocate what is essentially hostage taking. maybe you can call it mate guarding, but it really amounts to hostage taking. You monitor phone calls, location, keep them under scrutiny, etc. Why? So THEY can't cheat again. I think that is utterly pitiful. They just go underground. Btw, her not saying that she loves you on the phone near co-workers is a HUGE red flag. Folks around the office know what's up. Maybe she had painted your relationship as failing or whatever. It would blow her cover to say, "I love you". Use your head man!

 

If she can't break ties with this guy, tell her that she can hit the road. That is not the same as kicking her out. You simply tell her that she has a choice to make and that if she is unsure or struggling to choose you, then she can go and she needs to do it TODAY. Your whole profession of love for her is your undoing. You are not able to do what it takes to save your marriage because you are unwilling to risk losing it. Starting out with professing your love for her and then wringing your hands about what she is doing is a sure fire way to misery. Read the archived posts. People like that just suffer. Plain and simple. Others just become hostage takers. I guess they don't care so long as they can keep their intended love. I find that disturbing.

 

Simply put, you tell her that BEFORE SHE QUITS, she better find a new job to replace or minimize the financial damage to the family. Her offering to quit is a bull crap way of making you back down from screwing up her relationship. Put another way, she may as well have said, "honey, I can quit my job and stop being around my love, but we will suffer financially. If you want us to suffer then just ask me to quit my job and I will do it." See how that puts you in the hot seat? You say don't quit, as if that was the only choice, and she keeps contact with her boss. She gave you a forced false choice and you went for it hook, line, and sinker.

 

You tell her that she needs to figure out what it takes to make you want to keep risking your heart on her and then she needs to do it. If she can't show you some actions, you can rest assured that this is doomed for failure. Here is a rule: No war was ever won by hand wringing and capitulation.

[Clay]

Sadly so many people come to these sites and never really listen. They think they can deal with the problem themselves and in the end they come back later disappointed in how things turned out.

 

Every day she works with him her feelings will grow for him. At some point in time they wont care and your love for her wont matter anymore. So all the things we are telling you to do now wont matter at all later. She has to stop working there today. She has to stop all communications with him all together.

 

I know your worried about the financial side of things but later when it all goes to hell that will be the least of your worries and the one thing that will haunt you the most is you could have done something about it.

 

Good luck

 

 

Clay

[VeryBrokenMan]

First thing you need to get a grasp on is that her affair is not your fault. Period. Start there.

 

Make no assumptions that it would not have gone physical had more time elapsed. The OM was in it for one reason only, sex, because men almost always cheat for sex. You should understand that and your wife should understand that. He will do and say anything to get there, even now.

 

Quitting your job is a hardship, but divorce is even worse. In my opinion she should immediately start looking for a new job and regardless of what it means financially quit within the next few weeks. There is no way to reconcile with daily contact with her AP. This is about what you need now, not what she needs or what is easy. You need to know it's over and that there is NC. Working a few feet away from someone is not NC.

 

If quitting is just not an option then a joint meeting with just you and your wife and him would be a second choice. Your wife needs to tell him in front of you that it's over and not to talk to her unless it's business related. And then you need to tell him that if he so much as sneezes inappropriately in her direction your first call is to his wife and the second is to his boss.

[Confused48]

You don't have to ask her to quit, just expose to his wife and upper level management. Sure it may result in her losing her job but that is far from certain. It is likely that exposure will be enough to kill the affair. Which I believe is going to continue unless you do something.

 

I agree with Clay and the many others that are posting similar advice. You say you love your wife and you want to continue to be married to her. You know that her love for you and your life together is all at risk until you get her away from that OM. Yet you hesitate bc of money? SMH.

 

Sure you could lose your house but if you don't you could lose your wife. I know if I had to chose between a house, my credit rating and my mate cheating, I much rather lose the house the credit, god anything but the cheating. I don't see why this is such a hard decision for you. Maybe she really isn't all that special to you now that you know what she is capable of?