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Wife has been having a LTA for 15 years


lifedestroyed

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lifedestroyed

Married for what I thought was a blissful 18 years to a beautiful amazing wife/mother of our children, together 22 years all up. Just found out a week ago that my wife has been having a long term affair for at least 15 years. I am so hurt and my life as I knew it has been a lie. We have 3 amazing kids, of which I just found out the oldest is mine, and the other 2 are the OM's children. I have been gathering info since what you may call a "mini D-Day" but it was confirmed a week ago when I found out the 2 youngest were not mine. Since then, the past week I have been digging to find out as much info for myself without confronting her so that I won't have to rely on her word as much so as to reduce any chances of trickle truthing, if that makes sense. She senses something is wrong but she doesn't know that I know at this point.

 

I honestly don't know what to do, I love this woman so much and I just feel like my heart has been shattered into a trillion pieces. I want to know what I am going to do before I even consider confronting her, because I know now 100% this affair has been going on for most of our marriage, just writing that makes me sick. I know the OM a little as he is her co-worker and I know his wife a little as well, I will definitely be informing her once I confront my wife. At the moment life is going along as normal as can be, so as to not raise any suspicions. I guess I came here for the support and to help me on how I can decide what I want to do. What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

 

p.s even though I just found out that the 2 youngest are biologically not mine, they are every bit my children and I love them as my own no matter what, a DNA test will never take that away from me.

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Love or not - you need to get out of there for your own sanity. I'm so sorry for what that woman is putting you through - not to mention the poor children. And yes, definitely tell the wife - and expose them both. It's time their little wonderland comes crashing down on them.

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lifedestroyed
Love or not - you need to get out of there for your own sanity. I'm so sorry for what that woman is putting you through - not to mention the poor children. And yes, definitely tell the wife - and expose them both. It's time their little wonderland comes crashing down on them.

 

Thank you for your reply, I agree that their affair needs to end, and it most certainly will when I expose everything. What do you mean by I need to get out of there? Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

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At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

When you confront, she will cry and beg for reconciliation and forgiveness. Since the OM is married, it is unlikely he is available for your wife to go to.

 

I'm surprised you are willing to forgive FIFTEEN YEARS of deceit. :eek:

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Thank you for your reply, I agree that their affair needs to end, and it most certainly will when I expose everything. What do you mean by I need to get out of there? Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

 

Get out of that house, and get out of the marriage. Your marriage has never existed, she's been living a double life all along. For the sake of co-parenting you will have to keep in touch with her, but do not stay married to her. And should she attempt to take triple the child support, show your DNA tests - since MM is within reach, he will be the one to pay. I know you still see them as your own children, but do not let that monster get away unpunished after taking a quarter of your lifetime.

 

 

She won't be remosseful, she'll be sad that she got caught. 15 years are planned - do not fall for her crocodile tears. Stand up for yourself.

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Thank you for your reply, I agree that their affair needs to end, and it most certainly will when I expose everything. What do you mean by I need to get out of there? Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

 

An affair for 15 years? And they have 2 children together? How about he pay child support for both those kids? It can be used as a college fund

 

you want to R if she is remorseful? How will you determine that she's actually sorry she did it instead of sorry she is caught? That's difficult to determine.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you - it's really a sad situation when she's made your whole marriage a lie. There should be severe consequences for her whether you R or D. If you are ready and apply those consequences as soon as you expose and allow her to be completely uncomfortable with what she has created - then chances of her feeling remorse is greater.

 

Allow her to think you're divorcing her - even if you haven't decided yet.

 

Have her leave the home and get honest with others about what she's done for 15 years. Let her live with her lies and cover up for a long while. Let her OM pay for her housing even if it's temporary - he can at least pay that expense since he helped create this mess.

 

In the meantime use your time on your own to clear your mind and get refocused on what is best for you!

 

See an attorney. See a therapist. Seek help in many avenues.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you keep posting. Hugs

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TrustedthenBusted

what a horrible situation.

 

I don't know what I would do. That absolute hardest part of my situation was waiting for DNA tests. I literally thought if the wrong results came back, I'd simply jump off a bridge.

 

Be strong. You are about to descend into a cloud of bu1lsh*t

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Every single word coming out of her mouth for the past 15+ years has been a lie. I know you're likely unwilling to start over again when so much time has passed, but this isn't someone you want it with. You never had what you thought you did, you were her cuckold, which she had planned too. Move out as soon as you can, and make sure you expose to EVERYONE - OMs family, her family, work, friends, your family, every single one - but do not let the kids know about the paternity thing. That you do in the background; get a good lawyer and gear up, OM has a lot of payments to make.

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Every single word coming out of her mouth for the past 15+ years has been a lie. I know you're likely unwilling to start over again when so much time has passed, but this isn't someone you want it with. You never had what you thought you did, you were her cuckold, which she had planned too. Move out as soon as you can, and make sure you expose to EVERYONE - OMs family, her family, work, friends, your family, every single one - but do not let the kids know about the paternity thing. That you do in the background; get a good lawyer and gear up, OM has a lot of payments to make.

 

Why should he move out? He didn't cause this...she caused it.

 

He can have her bag packed...one bag. Then when she leaves the locks can be changed so he has some privacy to think for a bit.

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Why should he move out? He didn't cause this...she caused it.

 

He can have her bag packed...one bag. Then when she leaves the locks can be changed so he has some privacy to think for a bit.

 

Then have her kicked out. Just be seperated for a while... preferably for good but due to co-parenting and her begging attempts that's quite impossible to enforce.

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afoolto no end

Hi there and welcome.

I can imagine your life feels like a lie, It is a horrible thing your wife has done to her own children and her own marriage……..

First of all when you get all your info to confront her you also expose to everyone she knows OM"s wife and family and let the truth be what the truth is…….no more lying ……

The OM's wife needs to be able to decide for herself what she will need to do for her life, and she can only do that with the facts..

You need to go to a lawyer and see what your rights are in this situation…

You need to protect yourself financially because you can't trust this woman with your best interest on any level……..

If R can happen she will need to do a lot of work on herself first before you should even consider this as an option.

Waywards all pretend they are remorseful but they say what they have to don't believe a word………

Don't make the exposure easy for her let her live through what she has done with her selfish choices..

She needs to feel what she has done, not just use words not this time..

Don't move out of the house whatever you do, if she wants out let her go this was her choice not yours…..

Right now you have no idea what to expect you think she is someone you know she isn't…….she will do whatever she has to this kind of deceit isn't textbook, it takes a great deal of selfishness to pull this off……..

expose, when she is ready to hear what is expected if there is a recovery give her the list and don't settle for anything less ………

this is up to her to fix not you…….

Stay calm be smart and be strong in mind and decision don't waiver don't look weak …….you are now driving this situation

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Clarence_Boddicker

You're a fool if you don't divorce her. Think of the lesson you would be teaching "your" kids. She doesn't love you & hasn't for most of the "marriage". Salvage whatever you can & leave. Don't confront her. Let your lawyer do that in court. Have your lawyer push for paternity tests.

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What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

I would definitely file for divorce.

 

I am terribly curious why you are willing to stay in a marriage where you have been so duped?

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Married for what I thought was a blissful 18 years to a beautiful amazing wife/mother of our children, together 22 years all up. Just found out a week ago that my wife has been having a long term affair for at least 15 years. I am so hurt and my life as I knew it has been a lie. We have 3 amazing kids, of which I just found out the oldest is mine, and the other 2 are the OM's children. I have been gathering info since what you may call a "mini D-Day" but it was confirmed a week ago when I found out the 2 youngest were not mine. Since then, the past week I have been digging to find out as much info for myself without confronting her so that I won't have to rely on her word as much so as to reduce any chances of trickle truthing, if that makes sense. She senses something is wrong but she doesn't know that I know at this point.

 

Wow, as bad as it gets. Many sympathies...

 

Why wait any longer to confront? She may have many different reactions from denial to acknowledgement and each emotion may lead you to a different approach. Very tough situation but I'd get things started.

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Reconciliation vs Divorce is the age old debate

 

I suspect that this debate will not be rearing its head in this thread

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Do not understand how you could stay with this woman. A fifteen year affair, and her AP is the sperm donor for two of the children you thought were yours.

 

Sorry for bluntness, but you are literally a cuckold. I can appreciate you are all the children's Dad, but to stay with their mother knowing what you know, the disrespect and contempt she and the OM have for you. It baffles me.

 

I have no clue on legalities regarding child support and the like. But i do know, you need to protect yourself, and expose everything once you have everything in order. Immediately hire and retain a family law/divorce attorney let them guide you

 

What your POS wife did to you is the lowest of lows, and believe me she is laughing at you for being trusting. Just as her AP is doing to his BW, who should also be told about her WH. And she like you deserve the truth, and a better life without these treacherous deceitful persons.

 

It boggles me you would even consider R. You are obviously in deep shock and need IC immediately.

 

I can only imagine your intense pain, keep posting and listen to the experience of those here. So very sorry for the treachery of the woman you loved, be strong, and get out ASAP!!!

Edited by Morbius
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What would any of you do if you were in my situation?

 

I'd be more creative.

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15 years is not an affair. It is a double life complete with a family with the OM that is hidden in your own house (this is the true definition of cuckhold)

 

 

This is not an office romance, it is an alternate life and fraud.

 

 

Consult the best family law attorney that money can buy and see what your options are. You may be able to take legal actions against the OM to recoup some of the expenses of raising his children in your home under the pretense of them being yours.

 

 

You may be able to sue your wife as well.

 

 

This was not an illicit sexual relationship, this was an intentional, evil act of deception and fraud that took lots of effort, planning and execution. Your wife and the OM are conmen and hooked you for the bill and laugh every morning on the way to the office at your expense.

 

 

Burn them.

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SammySammy

It is easy for us to recommend immediate exposure and divorce. However, there are three kids whose lives are about to be turned upside down. Not to mention going from two incomes to one income - handling housing, child rearing and other responsibilities - may take some planning and preparation. Though I wouldn't stay married to this woman, I can understand OP taking his time and not rushing into divorce.

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...also, it's highly unlikely that the OM's wife was completely clueless to this as well for 15 years.

 

 

It's one thing to dupe one spouse and get away with it for a decade and a half, it's a whole other thing to be able to pull the wool over both of your eyes.

 

 

She either had suspicions and said nothing to you and let you go on thinking life was grand or she was somehow complicit with it or even in on it.

 

 

Proceed with caution and eyes wide open with her. She may not be an ally.

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It is easy for us to recommend immediate exposure and divorce. However, there are three kids whose lives are about to be turned upside down. Not to mention going from two incomes to one income - handling housing, child rearing and other responsibilities - may take some planning and preparation. Though I wouldn't stay married to this woman, I can understand OP taking his time and not rushing into divorce.

 

 

 

I agree somewhat but also have some trepidation.

 

 

They spent 15 years masterminding this fraud. He needs to do this right and smoke them good and can't afford to go off half cocked.

 

 

The problem is they are master conmen and master manipulators and he is a babe in the woods. They will catch on to him a million times faster than he caught on to them.

 

 

It's like he is just learning the game of pool and they are established pool sharks and he is trying to go up against them at their own game.

 

 

He needs to befriend an even bigger shark real fast that's willing to eat them for breakfast.

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Do you mean leave the marriage or my house? At the moment I am leaning towards R if she is remorseful, and D if she isn't.

 

Dude. 15 years. Two children. They see each other daily. they have built a life and family together.

 

 

This was a double life. I'm sorry but your marriage was fraudulent. There's nothing to reconcile here.

 

 

She can't be remorseful because this was her lifestyle choice. This is like Hitler and Himmler and Goring and Goebbels being remorseful because they were Nazis.

Edited by oldshirt
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summerdowling87

I'm so sorry wow 15 years that is a long time.

 

Your wife didn't just hurt you for 15+ years-(while putting u at risk for std) she's has hurt your all of your children and the kids of the other BS she is so selfish.

 

IDK anyone can be truly sorry after 15 years. So sorry you're here.

Edited by summerdowling87
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Why should he move out? He didn't cause this...she caused it.

 

He can have her bag packed...one bag. Then when she leaves the locks can be changed so he has some privacy to think for a bit.

 

Whatever you do... Ignore this advice. I really can't believe how often people stupidly hand it out... And veteran posters too. See a lawyer first, before confronting her, before exposure, before anything and see where you stand. As was said, choose divorce. You can always stop at any point if you change your mind but at least this way things are in order.

 

The child thing is so tough. I'm glad you still love them. I really can't imagine someone doing such a thing as your wife and yet it is scarily common. I would also discuss this with your lawyer too.

 

So yeah, my advice at this point is to lawyer up. And I agree with those that said this is a double life. and she not only got pregnant once, but twice by this OM. I really don't know if there is a marriage there to save. And I think wheb the shock wears off, you will see that too.

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When you confront, she will cry and beg for reconciliation and forgiveness. Since the OM is married, it is unlikely he is available for your wife to go to.

 

I'm surprised you are willing to forgive FIFTEEN YEARS of deceit. :eek:

 

 

 

the OM is MARRIED??? well, call the OM's wife...just to make sure SHE knows about it all.

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