Wife cheated and had cybersex with different men.

[stets1997]

I have been in a very rocky relationship with my wife for the past 9 years. We have 3 kids, 8, 6, and 2. I lived apart from them for 18moths, not because of difficulties, but due to a job change that required me to move out of state. I would commute home on weekends to see them. We moved back in together in February 2004. There was an adjustment period for all of us, but we all agreed that living together was better than apart. I love my kids more than anything and missed them greatly, so I was ecstatic to be with them again. My wife and I did not initially cohabitate well, but our marriage was improving. We started seeing a councilor at the end of September to improve the marriage further.

 

We never had a active sex life in our marriage. I would try to initiate sex 99.9% of the time. I would try romance, wine, flowers, dinners and movies, but she just was not into sex after the kids were born. She always told me that I was a pervert for wanting sex and that she did not like it. We had sex on average 3 times a month, and she never got into it. I have to beg her to let me perform oral on her. When I am allowed, she O’s multiple times. I keep going as long as she wants. I only stop when she asks me to. This activity usually lasts in excess of 20 minutes. It makes me feel good to make her feel good. If I am lucky she allows that activity once every three months. As far as the reciprocal, it does not happen, ever. It did when we were dating, but not after.

 

I have a problem with gambling and promised her that I would not gamble anymore. This year I lost about $1,000 while gambling online behind her back. She found out and confronted me. I initially lied, but eventually told her the truth. I promised her it would never happen again. I screwed up and told her she could divorce me and I would not fight her for money or the kids if I ever did it again. I gave her complete controls of the family finances. I am the breadwinner and she takes care of the house and kids. She accepted my offer, but not before telling me, and rightfully so, how disappointed she was with me and that I shattered her trust. She equated my gambling to cheating, and that is something she would never do to me. Or so she said.

 

Enough about my past, maybe too much, but I need to fill you in on a little background to paint a complete picture.

 

10.23.04

My life changed. Discovery Day. I received a call from a woman that I did not know. She claimed to be the wife of my wife’s lover. She stated that she knew they had been having sex since before my wife and I got married. She discovered the affair when my wife sent an “I love you” sweetest day card to her lover. The card was discovered by the man’s daughter and shown to his wife. She stated that she confronted her husband and that he confessed to the affair. They had sex as recently as 6 weeks ago at a local hotel. When I confronted my wife about this topic, she lied to my face. Initially she stated that they were just “good friends” and that the other woman was lying. When confronted with details, she stated that she has been seeing the guy, but it was not sexual. After more discussions, she finally stated that, yes she has in fact been having an extramarital affair with this guy. She has been seeing him since before we met. She was dating him, while he was married, before dating me. At one point when she and our boys lived with her folks, she had her Mom watch the kids so she could sneak off and have sex with this man.

 

To tell you I was shocked would be a huge understatement. I knew that she was not happy in our marriage. We have nothing in common, other than our kids, and do not enjoy each other’s company. I did not expect her to cheat though. As it turns out, it has been and was something she had been doing to me for the entire marriage.

 

Needless to say, I was pissed. I sat on my bed in disbelief and then grabbed my shaving kit and left the house. I did not want to look at her and felt that I might do something that I would later regret. If my wife and I did not have kids together, we would have been divorced a long time ago, but we do, so it makes the issue much more difficult.

 

After several hours, the wife called and stated that she is very sorry, I think she is sorry she got caught, not about the affair, and that she wants me to come home so we can talk about it. I told her I would come home when I was ready. When I got there my wife had been crying and wanted to give me a big hug and kiss. I was not interested in the least. When she let me go, I asked her to come and talk. When she sat down, I read my demands. And yes, they were demands. 1. She needs to send the man a message stating that the affair is over and that she will never have communication with him again ever. 2. She needs to delete all male contacts from her computer that are not family. 3. She needs to tell me all of the details, including when, where, how often. 4. She needs to promise that this will never happen again. 5. She will discuss all of this with the councilor. 6. Discuss any other affairs or inappropriate relationships that she may have had. She agreed to the terms, sort of.

 

I watched her send an email to her lover, but it did not meet my needs. Her email stated “At my husband's request, I will no longer be in communication with you via telephone, e-mail or any other form.” That was not good enough for me so I demanded that she send a better message. She then sent “At my husband's request, I must clarify this further by stating that our friendship/relationship is over with.” That still did not do it for me so she then sent, “I apologize for wording wrong my statement, it should have read "Our AFFAIR".”

 

She stated that she did not feel that these messages were necessary because she promised me that it was over and would not happen again.

 

Later that day, I asked her if there was any other affairs or inappropriate contact with other men, and she assured me that there was not.

 

October 27, 2004

Dday2. The wife was having computer problems and she wanted my help repairing it. I started working on her computer at around 9:00pm. While I was fixing the virus scan, I noticed that she had a buddy list for an instant messenger service that had five contacts on it. Two of the five were men whose names I did not recognize. I asked my wife about them and she stated that they were old family friends and that I had nothing to worry about. That was the same line she used with her lover, so I felt that I needed to look further. I looked at the properties of these contacts and found that both of these contact were divorced men, one 27 and the other 40. By now the wife was in bed, so I went into the bedroom and asked her again if there was any inappropriate contact with either of these men. Her response was disgust with me for even asking and she stated again that I had nothing to worry about.

 

I went back onto her computer and found the “message archive”. That kept a transcript of all of the instant messages for a period of time, roughly 90 days. I did not know that this archive existed and I know that my beloved wife did not as well. I saw that there were no messages to any of the women on her list, but a long series with a guy whose screen name is xxxxxxxxxx. I went back into the bedroom and again confronted my wife. This time I had dates of the messages, not the text because I did not know how to retrieve it yet. She again told me that he was a good friend and that there were no inappropriate communications with him or any other man.

 

I again returned to her computer. This time I started to copy the text of these messages to a word document. I could not believe what I read. She was having Cybersex with this guy using a webcam that I bought for her two years ago. Not only was she having cybersex with him, she had invited him into my bed when we lived in the other state. I went ballistic. She swore to me that there was never anything inappropriate done with this guy, but I find she had virtual sex with my 2-year old in another room while watching a movie. She will still not tell me anything that I do not already know about the activities. Many weeks later, she agreed that this activity has been going on for years. Weeks later, things are not any better. She still walks around the house mad at me for having the nerve to be mad at her.

 

I want to stay married to her because I gave vows. It also is in the best interest of the kids. I want this to work out, but I am not sure she does. Any ideas???

[Debster]

Sorry to break it to you, but no.

Your wife is a lying, cheat who has shown no remorse nor willingness to alter her behaviour, or set your mind at ease. Before throwing her to the curb, I would recommend getting as much evidence as possible so that you can try for custody of the kids.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[jmargel]

Wow.. First you need to decide among everything else do you really want to be married to her? Do not stay married to her for sake of the children. IMO, it's more important for them to realize the true facts of life, and not to teach them to stay with someone even though they are not happy.

 

Second, she is sorry for getting caught, not for what she has done. Otherwise she would have deleted them off her list when she was first caught with cheating. You have tried marriage counseling, but its someting you two would have to go through for a very long time if you wish to keep this marriage together. As for gambling, that was wrong, but it would not emotionally scar someone like the things she has done to you.

 

You stated that if it weren't for the kids you two would be divorced, and that you have nothing in common with her. Why did you marry her then? There has to be somewhat of a motivation to exchange vows with someone, someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Read some of the other posts on here, of people who have been cheated on. Also please click on my link in my signature. You two have many issues that have led upto these affairs.

 

Hang in there.. I'm sure you'll be getting lots of advice.

[Soon2bsngl]

Sorry you are going through all of this, I know how devistating it all is. I found out my H was having an affair for two long years, we are currently in the process of trying to rebuild. It's very difficult to get over the hurt/anger and a million other emotions, but you can't make your marriage work by yourself. She has to want the marriage also or you won't go anywhere together. She has to work very hard at trying to rebuild your trust. And it doesn't really seem like she's doing that yet. Before you can work on your marriage you need to find out if that's what she wants also other wise you will go no where fast. Keep your chin up, and keep posting here. You will find many friends and get some great advise. It really helps.

[Owl]

Wow...

 

I can feel and imagine your pain friend. It sounds to me as though she has NEVER been faithful to you...at any point during your marriage.

 

My question is this...do you really have any love left for this woman? If the answer is no, then don't bother trying to keep the marriage together just for the kid's sake. They'll be a lot better off dealing with you as a divorced couple than to live in an environment with that much hurt, anger, pain, etc...

 

At this point, of course she doesn't want to work it out with you. She's still suffering from the pain and withdrawl of the break up of her affair with the OM. Assuming she HAS broken that up. Given all that you've described and what I've seen about how long people keep it going after an NC (no contact) has been issued, I'd still have some serious doubts as to whether or not that really is the case.

 

IF you really want to try to salvage the marriage, get back into counseling. Both of you need seperate counseling as well as couples counseling. You need to get your gambling problem settled once and for all as well, or you'll never be the husband and dad you're supposed to be. She needs to get her herself straight too, or there is NO hope for your marriage.

 

Good luck. Get that counseling FAST...

[uberfrau]

You say you and wife have nothing in common, don't like each other, or speak with each other. Your marriage is all about the kids, and property. And that IS OKAY!

 

Marriage has always been about kids and property until the 19th century-society has just been grafting all these silly romantic, bourgeosie, notions on it since then.

 

IF you really don't care about her, why do you care if she screws someone else? Sounds like pride f***king with you. You can get over that.

 

STay together for the property and the children. Think about it. If you divorce, that means alimony for you, custody disputes, 2 rents, 2 vehicles, daycare for the kids. AND strange men around your kids when YOU aren't around. All this translates into a lot of lost money and resources.

 

As long as you two can coexist adequately, stay married until the kids are out. You can find someone else, like she has! Or not. It's much less complicated to stay together in the long run.

[stets1997]

I got married because she got pregnant. She told me she was protected and that she hated the feeling of a condom. I still should have used one for std's, but I wanted to please her. She miscarried the day before the wedding. We were not having any issues at the time, so we continued to get married. It was not until we moved into our first house, that our marrige soured. She lived at home her entire life, except for a 6 month period in the 80's. We got married when she was 35 and I was 33. She has not emotionally left home ever.

 

In terms of the kids, I have to be involved in their lives daily. I talked with a lawyer and he stated that infidelity is not grounds for custody. He told me that I would not get the kids, so I can't see me filing for a while at least.

 

We are still seeing the councilor, but I am the only one working on resolving our issues. My wife appears to be doing everything she can to agitate me to do something I will regret. So far, I have just abused parts of the house.

[stets1997]

uberfrau,

 

I am at that point right now. I do not care what she does at all. All I got was sorrow and heartache when I did care. The problem is I need intamacy more now than I have ever before. I do not see me out cheating on my wife because of the harm her cheating caused me. I just want my wife to share her life, desires and sexuality with me instead of the others.

[FolderWife]

Oh my good lord The only thing worse than a lying cheating slut, is a lying cheating slut who acts like her husband is doing something wrong by being disgusted and disappointed in her

 

So, she can't trust you because of gambling, but there is something wrong with you, since you won't just accept her lies as truth. It's obvious that she's not going to tell you anything, unless you come up with it on your own.

 

Divorce her. You don't like her, you have nothing in common with her, you said that yourself. She's a cheating snake, and your kids deserve to know that cheating is WRONG.

 

I wouldn't sugar coat it either. Tell the kids flat out that their mother had sex with someone else...don't let her pin the blam on you for walking out

[whichwayisup]

I do feel really bad for you...But mostly your children.

 

To tell you I was shocked would be a huge understatement. I knew that she was not happy in our marriage. We have nothing in common, other than our kids, and do not enjoy each other’s company. I did not expect her to cheat though. As it turns out, it has been and was something she had been doing to me for the entire marriage.

 

Needless to say, I was pissed. I sat on my bed in disbelief and then grabbed my shaving kit and left the house. I did not want to look at her and felt that I might do something that I would later regret. If my wife and I did not have kids together, we would have been divorced a long time ago, but we do, so it makes the issue much more difficult.

 

Unless you both go to counsilling and get this fixed, fall inlove again and get to really know and LIKE eachother, there is not a hope here.

 

I respect your honestly and either way this is all really painful, but staying just for the kids sake in this situation could be really wrong as you both are role models and teaching your kids consciously and subconsciously- meaning they are seeing more than each of you know. Kids are smart and they DO eavesdrop, even if you think they won't, they do!

 

They are learning 'future relationships' and it is a known fact that each of us gain a certain outlook on how relationships should be by comparing and knowing what our parents had growing up.

 

I know the love is probably there but just buried deep cuz of the pain and all the other problems that led up to this point.

 

I do hope though you all can work through this. Start off by getting rid of the internet. She needs to prove to you she can be trusted. If she refuses than you have to have access to everything and anything!

 

Good luck and keep on posting!

 

WWIU

[stets1997]

J,

 

I read your post. I think you are right about many things you say. In my marriage, I am always the one suggesting a movie/dinner date. I suggested that my wife pick a hobby, any hobby and I will participate in it with her. I have long suggested walks alone. I had always given her flowers just because. This sweetest day I gave her a pajamagram, breakfast in bed and chocolate body paint. The pajamas were full-length flannel, non-sexy. She had told me earlier that she needed a new pair, so I listened to her and she was very pleasantly surprised. I got nothing from her, until she went to the store that day, then she presented me a card.

 

I have been trying to get her to stop talking on the phone at night after the kids go to bed so that we can talk, play games or just relax together. Last month she spent over 30 hours on her cell phone, with much of the that time spent talking to her mother.

 

She told me and the councilor last month that she does not know me. This is after 9 years of marriage. She told me she wants to find out more about me, but never asks me any questions. I have told her that I can talk whenever I am not working, but so far, her talking has been to others on the phone.

 

She is a wonderful, loving and caring person to her family, friends and former coworkers. But she is not that person with me, my boys and my family. I want the person that I married and she no longer exists.

[stets1997]

whichwayisup,

 

We are going to the councilor again tomorrow. As far as the computer, I installed software that monitors everything she does. That will never be an issue again, but her phone is another matter. She can make and receive calls without my knowledge. I see the bill, but that does not tell me enough.

 

I have sent her hard drive out to a computer forencics lab that can give me access to all of the emails and instant messages that she has sent from her computer. She is not pleased, but I need to know more of the details. At this point I have a 28 page word document of the im's that I was able to see. It was very revealing. Here was one of the more hurtful parts.

 

om (4:31:19 PM): now i am horny and lonely

wife (4:31:24 PM): so sad

wife (4:32:02 PM): i remember what being lonely is all about but being married and miserable and married is even worse

om (4:32:34 PM): i am sorry sweetie

wife (4:33:45 PM): i know you are. all i can do is prepare myself for what may come. i am working on getting a job part time for now just to start sticking my feet back into the business world just in case,

om (4:34:40 PM): is there is anything else sticky right now

wife (4:34:50 PM): not really

wife (4:34:58 PM): sprru

wife (4:35:00 PM): sorry

om (4:35:04 PM): i thought i would ask

wife (4:35:14 PM): never hurts

wife (4:35:18 PM): to ask that is

om (4:35:26 PM): uhuh

om (4:35:32 PM): do you want it to get sticky?

wife (4:35:48 PM): not reallly good timing

om (4:35:55 PM): why

wife (4:36:06 PM): husband is in other room

om (4:36:41 PM): ok

wife (4:37:06 PM): he is mad at me again cuz he was gone on business all weekend and when he returned home this am he asked me if i missed him and i said no. that really hurt his feelings. i said i was sorry but of course that is not good enough

wife (4:37:37 PM): it was so quiet here all weeked without him. no fights etc.

om (4:37:54 PM): so you tell him no you didnot miss him

wife (4:38:04 PM): yes i did

om (4:38:23 PM): that was mean

wife (4:39:05 PM): yes it was and i apollogized for saying it but my apollogy didn't matter. what was said was said

om (4:42:25 PM): i dunno

om (4:42:35 PM): i would be hurt too

om (4:42:44 PM): but if you apologized

om (4:42:47 PM): i mean come on

wife (4:43:34 PM): i will give him space till he heals

 

I particularly like the last line, that if given enough time I will forgive her. She wont change, I just have to learn how to deal with it. That is how she is treating the affair and the cybersex.

[Owl]

Sets-

 

I really want to give you some advice on something, but need to give you some background first.

 

My wife had an online emotional affair about 7 months ago. It only lasted about 6-8 weeks as far as I can tell. I 'caught' her the same way you did...when I finally got upset about thinking something was going on, I hacked her IM acct and enabled the archiving just before Mother's Day weekend. It wasn't until the following Tues that I was able to see the conversations...and I emailed a copy of that log file to myself at several email locations to make sure I'd have it.

 

I've kept that log file and reviewed it more times than I can count. I can tell you that looking at it and trying to sort through it to make sense of what happened became an addiction. I do still have it...but managed to make it a real pain to get to, so I don't sit and look at it everyday.

 

Get what you can out of it for now...and use it to get the truth out of your wife if you need to. THEN...print a copy, put it in a sealed envelope, and give it to a friend you can really trust (or a brother, something like that). DELETE the softcopies so that you dont keep going back to it. After a point, all you're going to do is keep hurting yourself with it. I KNOW...TRUST ME ON THAT!!!

 

I KNOW how much went on hurt you...and it hurts even more that it went on right there beside you! Again...been there. Look up my thread on this forum for the details.

 

My situation is a lot different than yours. Her affair lasted a very short time in comparison... And hers never got a chance to get physical like your wife did with him.

 

You need some serious counseling to get through this...MAKE her talk with the counselor while you're there tomorrow. Don't let her sit there and lie or act like it didn't happen...if it comes down to it, make her MAD so she'll start coming clean about it in the counselor's office...cause if she just turtle's up, you'll NEVER get things worked out. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

stets1997,

 

My heart is so sad...Ouch.

 

I read the IM's there and it just isn't right. Sorry you are in pain.

 

You're doing the right thing, but if she doesn't own up to it and admit her part in this then things are gonna be rough.

 

She's needs to talk to you, not give you space!! Communication and real honesty both ways is what is gonna fix this.

 

Keep posting. Hugs to you as I think you need one now.

 

WWIU

[LucreziaBorgia]

She has been seeing him since before we met. She was dating him, while he was married, before dating me.

I want the person that I married and she no longer exists.

 

Man, what a bad situation. The person you married is the same person she is now, from the sound of it - considering she was seeing someone else before and during your courtship and continued to see other people after you were married. I expect that at the time you married her though, you had no idea what kind of a person she really was. She probably was never the person you thought she was. It hurts to find out, though the way that you did.

 

I seriously doubt that she is going to quit though, if this is the case:

 

We have nothing in common, other than our kids, and do not enjoy each other’s company.

 

To be perfectly honest, what would be her motivation for stopping? You are demanding that she stop, so that she can continue on in this cold, loveless marriage between two people who have nothing in common and do not enjoy each other's company? What would be the point of stopping?(I'm not trying to suggest that she is in the right, just trying to play devil's advocate from her point of view). Why would you want her to stop? Pride? Because you don't want someone else involved sexually with your property? It sounds like thats all you two have left: your marriage is down to property - the legal ownership of each other, shared children, shared assets, and shared property. No love. No friendship. No trust. No communication. Just two people who are together for no other reason than the fact that your names happen to be on a marriage license together, and it would be too inconvenient to divorce because of the children.

 

If you want her to stop and you want a shot at a real marriage, then this marriage is going to have to change. Drastically. The marriage itself is damaged. Counseling will help here. You two will have to go through the process of getting to know each other again - this time honestly. Then you two will have to learn to like each other. Then learn how to live peacefully together. Then maybe one day you can even love each other, and have a real loving and honest-to-goodness marriage - with no lies, no hiding stuff.

 

If you plan to stay together for the kids - hopefully counseling will make it better between you and your wife. The last thing you want your kids to learn from you is that marriage is a trap or a chore that people get stuck in and have to live miserably in for the rest of their lives.

 

If it absolutely cannot be worked out between you and your wife, and you've tried everything else - then maybe you two can discuss separation through a mediator. It will be hell on the kids to put them through a marriage that is in name only - cold, barren, loveless and dead. Better to have two happy parents living separately than two parents living together miserably.

 

Good luck on your counseling - I really do hope something can work out that will be beneficial to your family.

[stets1997]

LucreziaBorgia

 

To be perfectly honest, what would be her motivation for stopping? You are demanding that she stop, so that she can continue on in this cold, loveless marriage between two people who have nothing in common and do not enjoy each other's company? What would be the point of stopping

 

I guess I did a bad job of illustrating my objective. I have at no time stopped loving my wife. I enjoy the time we spend together, we just have never spent much time together. It is not because I am not home or have other interests, it is simply that when the boys go to bed, she gets on the phone and talks until bedtime. If she is not on the phone, she was on the computer.

 

I have no outside interests. I go to work and then I come home. There are no softball or bowling activities, just my family. I am ok with that, I don't think she is.

 

I was always trying to get my wife to focus her energy and time on myself and the boys. She has never made me or my boys the center of her life. She talks about her family all the time, but her family is her Mom and Dad and her two brothers. She has never left her pre-married life. In that life, she never had any responsibilities or bills to pay. She stayed out as late as she wanted, smoked weed if she felt like it, slept with whomever and whenever she wanted. Her parents never disciplined her or reprimanded her when she broke the few rules that existed.

 

We started having problems when I would not allow her to set the house thermostat at 68 in the summer and 74 in the winter as she had at her parents house. I knew what these settings would do to the bills and she had never in her life seen a power or gas bill. There have been many fights between us as a result of her not understanding how the family budget is spent. She wants what she wants when she wants it. When I get something, like print cartridges or dvd recording media, she states we can't afford it. She then goes out and get a $50 haircut and a $45 manicure/pedicure.

 

I have spent the better part of the last 3 days completely ignoring her. I come home, say hi to the kids and disappear into my office where I have been working on things that make me feel good. I am spending a lot of time reading posts on this site, and other tasks that help me cope with the huge emotional void in my chest.

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking of things that I could do to my wife that would make her feel the way I do. I do not plan of doing any of them, but I am having fun thinking of them. My current favorite is to give her a heart necklace for Christmas, but the heart is broken.

[stets1997]

Owl

 

I have stopped reading the im log. I have made copies and hidden them. I have not yet deleted the electronic copies. I did send out her hard drive to get the rest of the messages that were deleted so I have the most complete picture. I am sure that I am going to find more damaging information and activities. Knowing these details will only add to my sorrow, but I need to know as much as I can so that can stop wondering. She is now mad because her computer does not work and I will not let her log onto mine. I am not afraid of her finding out anything, I just do not want her to delete files.

[Ladyjane14]

Geez.....what a mess. It's so hard to believe sometimes how people that profess to love can be willing to treat their partner so horrendously.

 

I don't see TMCM here tonight, so I'll say this for him:

 

Please wait for awhile to make a decision on if you really do want to continue on in the marriage. It takes some time to absorb all this. It's been a few weeks, but emotionally speaking, that's not enough time.

 

It's possible to bounce back from betrayal, and even have a stronger relationship than before. But it's still early days right now. The knee-jerk reaction is to fix it all as expediently as possible, but 3 months from now you may find that you just don't want to. That happens too.

 

Try <URL removed> for some more information on strengthening your marriage, but consider withholding a final verdict on reconciliation until after some of your emotions have run their course.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by stets1997

LucreziaBorgia

 

I guess I did a bad job of illustrating my objective. I have at no time stopped loving my wife. I enjoy the time we spend together, we just have never spent much time together. It is not because I am not home or have other interests, it is simply that when the boys go to bed, she gets on the phone and talks until bedtime. If she is not on the phone, she was on the computer.

 

I have no outside interests. I go to work and then I come home. There are no softball or bowling activities, just my family. I am ok with that, I don't think she is.

 

 

I have spent the better part of the last 3 days completely ignoring her. I come home, say hi to the kids and disappear into my office where I have been working on things that make me feel good. I am spending a lot of time reading posts on this site, and other tasks that help me cope with the huge emotional void in my chest.

 

I have spent a lot of time thinking of things that I could do to my wife that would make her feel the way I do. I do not plan of doing any of them, but I am having fun thinking of them. My current favorite is to give her a heart necklace for Christmas, but the heart is broken.

 

Bro, first off let me say you have my deepest sympathy.

 

And without further adu, I think this is not a situation that is repairable. Based on the information you have shared here, she isn't likely to change. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Her making her family and not you and the kids a priority would be the first sign to get a divorce AND custody of the kids.

 

I know you love her, but why waste your energy and love on someone who will never love you the same way you love her? I know, divorce sucks but in the eyes of God at least, you have a legitimate reason to leave her.

 

Trust me, when you're gone she won't change. She'll find someone else to shack up with or go back to her family. She wants what you can give her, she doesn't seem to want the other things that come with it. Mainly you and the kids.

 

I wish I had a better answer but after reading the entire thread, I'd file for a divorce.

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by stets1997

I was always trying to get my wife to focus her energy and time on myself and the boys. She has never made me or my boys the center of her life. She talks about her family all the time, but her family is her Mom and Dad and her two brothers. She has never left her pre-married life. In that life, she never had any responsibilities or bills to pay. She stayed out as late as she wanted, smoked weed if she felt like it, slept with whomever and whenever she wanted. Her parents never disciplined her or reprimanded her when she broke the few rules that existed.

 

Man, thats terrible! I see the picture more clearly now.

 

I hope counseling went well for you, and that things can work out for you and your boys.

[Owl]

Originally posted by stets1997

I am sure that I am going to find more damaging information and activities. Knowing these details will only add to my sorrow, but I need to know as much as I can so that can stop wondering.

 

Probably. Its seems the rule of thumbs is deny everything until caught, then deny as much as you can for as long as you can. And in this case, it sounds as though she's got no desire to reconcile your marriage or fix what she's done, so she's got no reason to "come clean". Have you flat told her that in order for you two to work on the marriage, she HAS to come clean about it? And if you did, what was her response?

 

She is now mad because her computer does not work and I will not let her log onto mine. I am not afraid of her finding out anything, I just do not want her to delete files.

 

 

Again, sounds to me like she's more interested in continuing what she was doing rather than working to ensure that her affairs are over. There isn't much you can do in the short term to help her.

 

I agree with LadyJane's comments about waiting a few weeks to make a decision...it gives you both time to work through all that you've now found out about each other, and hopefully it will give her time to get past her desire to be with her OM, if she HAS broken off all contact.

 

My thoughts are that you're probably going to have to divorce her...or at least take it to that point before she'll consider reconciling. She's never had to "pay the consequences" of her actions up till now...so she's probably still convinced deep down that you'll still always be there for her and love her, and that she won't pay any penalties for this behavior just like she didn't before. It won't be until she DOES face those consequences that she'll begin grow up and realize what she's done. And perhaps realize that she's got to WORK to keep you in her life.

 

Keep working at it...I hope your counseling went well friend!

[stets1997]

Owl,

 

Probably. Its seems the rule of thumbs is deny everything until caught, then deny as much as you can for as long as you can. And in this case, it sounds as though she's got no desire to reconcile your marriage or fix what she's done, so she's got no reason to "come clean". Have you flat told her that in order for you two to work on the marriage, she HAS to come clean about it? And if you did, what was her response?

 

Yes, I demanded that she come clean to me after I uncovered the affair. She stated she had. I then caught her having cybersex with a different man, at least one there may be more. She stated that he was the only one and that it was not "real sex". When reading through the im's that they exchanged, she had invited him into my bed and he passed. He does state that he remembers her taste and that he misses it. My wife still tells me that he does not know because they were never together, but there is no way he would comment on the taste if he did not know it.

 

I am now tired of asking her questions because I only receive lies and half-truths. She gone three days without her computer. I received a call from the forensic company and they did the wrong search on the hard drive, so it is now on the way to another lab that specializes in computer forensics for divorce cases. I do not want it to come to that, but I need to make sure what I get can be used in court.

 

To all of you, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I can't tell you how much it helps me to see that my thinking on this issue is not off the charts. I am going to the councillor today by myself. We were both supposed to go, but my boys are sick, so only one of us can go. I did have a second appointment with the same doctor for the hour after our joint session, so I am going to try to take them both. I will be as honest with him as I have been with all of you. I want to have him help me cope with this mess.

 

Since Sunday when I stopped interacting with my wife, I have gotten my appetite back. I am no longer snacking on Tums and I have been sleeping better. By withholding all emotions from my wife, it has super-charged my desire and energy to spend time with my boys. I have been able to wrestle and tickle them like I had always been able to in the past. I have also found that lots of very loud music has helped, freebird especially. If I can keep this up without the need for intimacy from my wife, I might be able to make it. Who knows, by my ignoring her completely she may start to fight to win me back. I can always dream right?

 

Thanks again for the posts. I look forward to reading each and every message. I will post again after counciling.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by stets1997

Owl,

 

 

 

Yes, I demanded that she come clean to me after I uncovered the affair. She stated she had. I then caught her having cybersex with a different man, at least one there may be more. She stated that he was the only one and that it was not "real sex". When reading through the im's that they exchanged, she had invited him into my bed and he passed. He does state that he remembers her taste and that he misses it. My wife still tells me that he does not know because they were never together, but there is no way he would comment on the taste if he did not know it.

 

I am now tired of asking her questions because I only receive lies and half-truths. She gone three days without her computer. I received a call from the forensic company and they did the wrong search on the hard drive, so it is now on the way to another lab that specializes in computer forensics for divorce cases. I do not want it to come to that, but I need to make sure what I get can be used in court.

 

To all of you, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I can't tell you how much it helps me to see that my thinking on this issue is not off the charts. I am going to the councillor today by myself. We were both supposed to go, but my boys are sick, so only one of us can go. I did have a second appointment with the same doctor for the hour after our joint session, so I am going to try to take them both. I will be as honest with him as I have been with all of you. I want to have him help me cope with this mess.

 

Since Sunday when I stopped interacting with my wife, I have gotten my appetite back. I am no longer snacking on Tums and I have been sleeping better. By withholding all emotions from my wife, it has super-charged my desire and energy to spend time with my boys. I have been able to wrestle and tickle them like I had always been able to in the past. I have also found that lots of very loud music has helped, freebird especially. If I can keep this up without the need for intimacy from my wife, I might be able to make it. Who knows, by my ignoring her completely she may start to fight to win me back. I can always dream right?

 

Thanks again for the posts. I look forward to reading each and every message. I will post again after counciling.

 

Bravo! Focus your energy on your kids. They're the ones often left holding the bag during a divorce. They'll need you more than ever soon.

 

Good dads make me smile!!!!

 

And you know what, there is someone better out there for you that will love you and the boys as you should be. You deserve better, my friend.

[jmargel]

It's always best to not say anything, if what is to be said would only make the situation worse.

 

Follow your counselor's advice, and when you feel ready to talk to her about the problems, then do so. Only do it on your own time. She has no respect for you from her deceit, her lying and lack of remorse. You have no faith in her words, so your imagination runs wild. You are probably pretty much emotionally exhausted, so you shut down. Nothing wrong with that, a person can only take so much.

 

Right now it's pretty much pointless to even talk to her since all she will do is tell lies. I highly doubt this OM who posted those IMs, would really want a relationship with her, knowing what she is doing to you. From his post, he is only interested in sex. Most guys are who chat online. They know that there are married women out there who will give it up, but to even remotely think about a relationship with them is way out of the question. Because if they can do this to their husbands, what's to say they won't do it to them? Online chatting is a player's paradise. I have had my share of married females flirting, trying to hook up. Push them far enough, it's mostly words, they won't go through with it, but there are some that will.

 

You need to continue to work on yourself along with giving the kids the attention they need. She sounds very immature and her lack of responsibility in the past and now are contributing to it. What does she do all day? It's time to get her to contribute to this family. You two have serious communication issues that need to be resolved. If your counselor isn't working for you and her, don't be afraid to try someone else.

 

No matter how much love or guidance you give her, only she can change herself. She has to WANT to do this on her own free will. Otherwise nothing will change. If she doesn't love you or want to be with you then its time for you to move onto better things. That's something you might want to ask her tonight. And if she does want to be with you, she has to show it in actions, just not words. You and the kids need to be number one priority. Not herself.

[stets1997]

j,

 

You need to continue to work on yourself along with giving the kids the attention they need. She sounds very immature and her lack of responsibility in the past and now are contributing to it. What does she do all day? It's time to get her to contribute to this family. You two have serious communication issues that need to be resolved. If your counselor isn't working for you and her, don't be afraid to try someone else.

 

No matter how much love or guidance you give her, only she can change herself. She has to WANT to do this on her own free will. Otherwise nothing will change. If she doesn't love you or want to be with you then its time for you to move onto better things.

 

What she has been doing for the past 6 years since she became a stay at home mom is to talk on the phone to her Mom and play around on the computer. She does not do housework, I vacuum most of the time. She spends 4 days a week doing laundry. One day to sort, one day to wash and dry, one day to fold and sort again and then one day to put it all away. On laundry days, that is all she is able to do. 6 days out of 7 in the week she takes a one hour nap while my youngest sleeps.

 

Recently, she took a one hour a day job at the school where the kids go to be a lunch mom. It lasts for an hour and she is able to bring the little one. She has a pass to the local zoo that allows her access all year for no charge, she never used it alone with the kids. She has a car all the time and is able to go anywhere during the day. The two year old spends nearly the entire day in front of the tv watching Barney while his mom chats on the internet or her phone. She has no interest in any other job and has suggested that I get a second job.

 

 

I do not think we have communication issues. I have told her my needs, desires, wants and issues that hurt me. She knows what my issues are, she does not feel like addressing mine nor telling me hers. At one point last week she told me that she would start being nice to me when I gave her "unconditional love" and stop lecturing her about the past. She stated that she is sorry and that I have "to get over it". The councilor is trying, but as you said, it has to come from her. So far that is not forthcoming, but I will give her more time. Not because I expect change, but because I will not be able to live with myself if I did not give her every chance. My issue is to raise my kids so that as few opportunities are eliminated as possible during their upbringing. I will be a poor father if I improve my life at the cost of my kids future. As long as I am still able to affect their lives in a positive manner, I will persevere.

 

That's something you might want to ask her tonight. And if she does want to be with you, she has to show it in actions, just not words. You and the kids need to be number one priority. Not herself

 

I have asked her to do exactly as you stated. She said she is trying, just not hard enough to please me. I know she is not trying, but I can't tell her that without her "feeling lectured" The kids are now and have always been my priority.