Tell the children they have siblings from affair?

[Raena]

I'm dealing with a situation that sounds more like a Jerry Springer episode than anything else, but that's how things are with my ex.

 

Long story short:

My ex cheated on me while I was pregnant 8 years ago. He had a child with that other woman. He and I ended up back together after much begging and pleading and then he cheated yet again with yet another woman and this time I kicked his behind out for good.

 

My ex did not see or speak to his other child for the first 6 years of his life. After he and I split up, he moved with his ow down to the state that his first ow lives in. He's been spending time getting to know this other child.

 

His current ow turned gf makes a point of rubbing things in my face... she's been doing it since we split up. I guess when she didn't get a response from me, she decided to up the ante so to speak and is now doing things to hurt my child. Lately she's been making sure to post pictures of my ex with his other child, to my exes fb page. My son is "friends" with his father on fb so that he can message with him and share pictures. I honestly think this girl is so jealous of me and of my child that's she's going out of her way to cause problems. This time it's about my child instead of me.

 

My son hasn't seen his father since he upped and moved away without saying goodbye last October. He's been very hurt by this fact and very hurt that he knows his father is spending time with his gf and his gf's kids rather than with him. Today he saw a picture the gf made sure to post to his father's fb page with his other kid and labeled it "so and so with his son so and so"

 

My son asked me who the other boy was. I just said I didn't know and closed it out.

 

Then I messaged his father and said that he needs to be more careful about what he posts on fb because our son saw it and asked who the kid was. My son has NO idea at this point about any of this. His father's response to me was "did you lie to him or tell him the truth?"

 

So my question is should I be the one to tell him about this? If I do, what do I say? I've thought all along that this isn't my business to tell my child... well sort of, but not really. It's his father's business to share that with him, but he rarely talks to or sees his father. I know it's going to hurt him when he finds out. He's a bright kid and he'll see the truth of this situation even if I try to not tell all the details. He might not know what cheating is but he'll know that something is weird for his father to have yet another child by a woman he's never heard of or met.

 

His father's response to me really irked me too. Part of me thinks that he asked his gf to post that stuff knowing that our son would see it and ask about it. He's a giant coward when it comes to this stuff and he's also pretty stupid. He's completely ignorant to how this will impact his child with me.

 

Right now my son only video chats with is father and there are no plans for him to spend time with him anytime soon. This isn't something he really needs to know right this minute... but could possibly end up meeting this child this summer. We haven't discussed visitation this summer at all yet and I'm not sure it's going to happen.

 

I'm just trying to figure out what the best way to handle this is... and really upset that his father has left me to do all the difficult work on everything as usual.

 

In the meantime... I've changed his settings on fb so he can't see what his father posts anymore and he can't log into it without me present either. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of monitoring things so he wouldn't see any of the other inappropriate stuff she posts on his page either, but this one happened to pop up as soon as I logged in.

 

 

UGH

[Methodical]

Your child is 7 or 8 and a pretty smart kid so I believe he will be more hurt when he discovers you lied to him. The topic will probably come up again, and when it does, personally I'd tell him if I were in your position, but that is a call you have to make. You know your child better than anyone else and I'm sure you'll do what is best for him.

 

I wouldn't include details of the affair, just that he has a sibling.

[minimariah]

i would tell him if i were you - he'll probably find out anyway & i think you're the best person he can found it out from. it's YOUR CHILD's business to know and you're pretty much the only parent he has so it is up to you to protect him -- & you will protect him with the truth. he will know about cheating, indeed -- but there is no way of hiding that... not really.

 

make sure you don't trash his father - sit down and tell him the simple truth. that the boy is another child your father had with another woman. that's all there is to it. make sure to let him know that you love him, that you'll never leave him and that he will always be able to rely on you.

 

unfortunately, your xH is a deadbeat father -- so that will leave consequences. him seeing that his father spends time with this other kid and not with him will hurt him -- all of that being said, seek professional counseling and advice.

 

communicate with your child & work on your relationship. if your ex wants to be a father - he can. you focus on YOU and what works for you.

 

careful with the OW -- keep your eyes open in case she decides to take it out on the kid.

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh Raena... your ex-husband is such a (INSERT EXPLETIVE OF CHOICE HERE). I'm so sorry for both you and your son that you have to deal with this.

 

I would tell him. Your ex is going to be worthless in terms of making sure your son's needs are met. Your son must be so crushed, seeing him spend time with another boy that is being referred to as his son, while he wonders why his dad isn't there for him. Your ex-husband is scum. I'm sorry.

[cocorico]

There are two kids here whose needs need to be considered. You are looking out for your kid - but asking him to sweep the existence of his other son - who he is only just getting to know - under the table and not acknowledge his existence on FB or elsewhere is not fair to the other kid. Both kids have as much right to be acknowledged by their father - privately and publicly - and you have no control over that.

 

Your best option is to explain to your son that his father does have another child, that this child is your child's sibling, and that they may meet some day. Lying or covering up will not erase what he saw, or the questions he's probably mulling over.

 

Facebook has a policy requiring members to be older than 18. If you are allowing him access, in breach of the policy, then you need to deal with the fall out you have allowed.

[No Limit]

That's a tough question indeed. My father was a serial cheater (who got kicked out as well, haven't seen him in almost 1 1/2 decades and I hope I can go the rest of my life without a surprise visit someday, ugh) and I knew that I had half-siblings when I was... hmm, I think 5 years old or something like that? The main difference in my situation though was that I was the "main kid", just like my mom was "the main woman" for my dad - from his OWs he ran as soon as they revealed they were pregnant (or when he got bored of them; don't know how many OW he had overall, he wasn't around that much anyway; the number of half-siblings could range from 2 - 6).

 

I only know the story of that one crazy OW who felt like getting revenge at my mom by going to the police and claiming she was part of one of my dad's crimes (yes, that OW wouldn't mind my mom getting jailed and me taken to foster care when I was just a baby, what a nutjob!). I very much doubt my father ever reached out to her or their kid. It's a shame that there has to be contact these days or else court fights begin, going no contact on my almost-totally-deadbeat-father was the healthier choice for me in the long run.

[Lois_Griffin]

Your ex POS is fortunate your kids haven't written him off for the complete scumbag that he is.

 

Maybe the loser can consider creating another Facebook profile SOLELY for his own kids to communicate with him, and unfriend them on the page his 'girlfriend' can't seem to stop acting like an ass on.

 

Lastly, I hope you had the best blood-thirsty lawyer in town and made sure this deadbeat deserter is at least paying the highest legal limit in child support. God knows he's worthless in every other aspect.

[merrmeade]

That's a tough question indeed. My father was a serial cheater (who got kicked out as well, haven't seen him in almost 1 1/2 decades and I hope I can go the rest of my life without a surprise visit someday, ugh) and I knew that I had half-siblings when I was... hmm, I think 5 years old or something like that? The main difference in my situation though was that I was the "main kid", just like my mom was "the main woman" for my dad - from his OWs he ran as soon as they revealed they were pregnant (or when he got bored of them; don't know how many OW he had overall, he wasn't around that much anyway; the number of half-siblings could range from 2 - 6).

 

I only know the story of that one crazy OW who felt like getting revenge at my mom by going to the police and claiming she was part of one of my dad's crimes (yes, that OW wouldn't mind my mom getting jailed and me taken to foster care when I was just a baby, what a nutjob!). I very much doubt my father ever reached out to her or their kid. It's a shame that there has to be contact these days or else court fights begin, going no contact on my almost-totally-deadbeat-father was the healthier choice for me in the long run.

Thanks for sharing, NL. You're a great example how kids can be all right in spite of awful parents. You've got things in perspective.

 

Maybe it would also help Raena to say what helped you the most when you were little, what you wish or think would have made it easier for you, what your mom did/said or didn't say when you were her child's age and what you think about that now.

[Lois_Griffin]

Both kids have as much right to be acknowledged by their father - privately and publicly - and you have no control over that.

Yeah, and both kids also have a right not to be deserted by their father and treated like garbage, but that didn't work out so well for one of them.

[merrmeade]

P.S. I hope your mom knows what a great kid she reared.

[truncated]

In an ideal world, having your son know he has a half brother would not be the worst outcome, but the situation that your ex and his ow are creating is so far from ideal it isn't even funny.

 

 

There are some situations where contact with a parent can be more hurtful than helpful, and it sounds like that applies to your son. Your ex can't get it through his fat head that his ow has zero and I mean ZERO standing to do any of this and that he needs to tell her to smarten up as it could cause potential psychological harm not only to your son, but to this other little boy as well.

 

 

She is using children to hurt you, and that is completely unacceptable.

 

 

While it may have been best for your son to have been a little older for this to have come out, that horse has already left the barn, and you need to deal with that without running his dad down. Getting your son some counseling may be helpful, as will counseling may be getting some further legal advice about the situation and what you can do to make things as good as they can possibly be for your son.

 

From what you say, your ex and his ow, are still together, and so long as that's the lay of the land, having your son around his dad if she is going to be there is not a good idea. Right now, that may be a moot point, as it doesn't sound as if he's putting in much of an effort to have contact with your son anyway. Video chatting and facebook pages don't cut it.

[Grapesofwrath]

I would advise that you tell your son the truth, in a way that is appropriate for his age. You know him better than anyone. Give him only facts, and only those facts you think he can understand. Also, I would emphasize that this situation is not his fault.His father didn't leave because of him. Kids will blame themselves for situations like this, and he doesn't need to take that on himself. Be sure to let him know that he is lovable, and loved, and that whatever is going on with his Dad isn't his fault.

[truncated]

Yeah, and both kids also have a right not to be deserted by their father and treated like garbage, but that didn't work out so well for one of them.

 

 

Agree...photos put up by a manipulative ow don't count as a father publicly acknowledging his kids. If the best he can do for his son is a video chat and facebook page, then he needs to reevaluate his priorities.

[darkmoon]

the younger he gets told the better

 

am adopted, keep your boy from facebook and just mention that he has a brother somewhere, adoptees get told early, less of a shock later, and tbh, kids want to play and have fun more than ponder

 

just mention it, do not make this is a crisis and nor will he, and when he is a grown man, he might yet have a fine friend, family ties can really draw ppl close

Edited May 28, 2015 by darkmoon

[aliveagain]

You can't control the action's of others. Don't expect him to do the right thing because he has already proven to you that he has very little capacity to do so. The man has very little respect for boundaries. What kind of man takes off without first planning a visitation schedule to see his son? Please tell me he's at least financially supporting your son. He sounds more like a sperm donor than a father. When your son is a little older tell him the truth if his father is too much of a coward to do it himself.

[sandylee1]

13 is the official age for FB as far as I'm aware.

 

Your son should be told about the child by his father and you together ideally. How nasty of his current gf to post those pictures. When your son gets old enough, you can tell him the whole truth about his dad cheating. As far as the truth is being told, might as well tell all. You want him to know right from wrong and be a faithful husband unlike his father in the future.

 

The way one BW explained it to her 9 year old dd, was that daddy had a gf and they had a baby, who is her half sister. The dd said but married people don't have gfs though. That was a really difficult conversation.

 

However, if you don't want to have that conversation with him, remove him from FB. He's too young to deal with all the rubbish it can cause. Tell his dad why you're cutting it off. Your H created this mess, so he can step up and explain to his son. That's called being a man.

 

Your H wasn't part of the other child's life for 6 years and now he's not seeing your son and you don't need to cover up for his inadequacies.

 

Ask your ex what he wants your son to know about the child. I'm sorry you had a serial cheat for a H and in time the current stupid GF who ( if she knew that your son doesn't know about the love chikd) insensitively posted those pics will become a betrayed GF.

 

I don't understand what her problem is as she got your H, if only because you kicked him out. Well done for not being a doormat. Clearly your H was never going to change.

[merrmeade]

13 is the official age for FB as far as I'm aware.

 

Your son should be told about the child by his father and you together ideally. How nasty of his current gf to post those pictures. When your son gets old enough, you can tell him the whole truth about his dad cheating. As far as the truth is being told, might as well tell all. You want him to know right from wrong and be a faithful husband unlike his father in the future.

 

The way one BW explained it to her 9 year old dd, was that daddy had a gf and they had a baby, who is her half sister. The dd said but married people don't have gfs though. That was a really difficult conversation.

 

However, if you don't want to have that conversation with him, remove him from FB. He's too young to deal with all the rubbish it can cause. Tell his dad why you're cutting it off. Your H created this mess, so he can step up and explain to his son. That's called being a man.

 

Your H wasn't part of the other child's life for 6 years and now he's not seeing your son and you don't need to cover up for his inadequacies.

 

Ask your ex what he wants your son to know about the child. I'm sorry you had a serial cheat for a H and in time the current stupid GF who ( if she knew that your son doesn't know about the love chikd) insensitively posted those pics will become a betrayed GF.

 

I don't understand what her problem is as she got your H, if only because you kicked him out. Well done for not being a doormat. Clearly your H was never going to change.

Really great post that brings up all the responsible aspects for you to consider as a parent.

 

The suggestions preclude your child's access to information other ways or, in other words, assume that you can perfectly control his access to information. I think I would say SOMEthing now that is age-appropriate and addresses what he knows and experiences already AND what has already happened. Then, if nasty gf and/or clueless, douchebag exH force your hand somehow, be ready with something similar to the short speech the mother gave her 9-yr-old in bold above. I would also assume (actually for the rest of your parenting days) that you cannot control or even know all the ways your child interacts with and learns about the world in general and this situation specifically. Therefore, since you do not ever know perfectly all the impressions that may influence him, you must be sure that you have no regrets later about how and when you clarify important values to him.

 

You can't protect your child from exposure to information but you can help him deal with it. Keep him talking to you and listen.

[Rainbowlove]

Your son has been abandoned by his father. The wounds of abandonment could be felt by your son throughout his lifetime.

 

If you haven't already, please try to get him some counseling to help deal with that hurt of a parent who just ups and leaves.

 

This is priority number one in my book. His half sibling doesn't matter right now...he doesn't need to know this today.

 

As he matures, tell him...but right now, he's in pain from a dad who left him.

 

How freaking sad. I'll never understand how one walks away from their own.

[Sub]

I think if you end up telling him, tell him the whole story. Not just that he's a half-sibling, but that the father didn't know him for the first 6 years of his life and is trying to connect with him now. I agree with the both of you telling him together, though. Skype or FaceTime with the guy and have him explain to his son what's going on.

 

Honestly, though, an 8-year old shouldn't be on FB. I know the cat's out of the bag in a way, but there are other ways to stay in touch with someone.

 

Maybe you don't know, but why is the psycho gf ok with your ex re-connecting with his son from a previous OW? I'm assuming he has to interact with the mother. Curious if she's getting similar vibes from the gf.

[Raena]

Thank you for all of the genuine responses to this difficult situation I'm dealing with. I do appreciate it and yet I'm still torn as to whether or not I should say anything more. I think I'll wait a little longer and see how he handles things. He didn't ask much other than "who is that boy" but he's a thinker and a dweller. If it's bothering him, he'll come back and ask more about it. Right now he may not have much of a reaction to it because I didn't have much of a reaction to it in front of him.

 

As for those of you who commented about him having a fb account.. his father actually created the account in his name when he was still a baby. We both used it for fb games and it went unused until a few months ago. At this point he's only friends with his aunt, 3 of my friends and his father. Normally he only uses the messenger app on his tablet to chat with all 4 of them. It's a great way for him to practice his writing, typing and communication skills and he can call them directly through it too. He doesn't have access to the actual fb application on his tablet and wouldn't have seen anything she posted had I not logged into the account with him near me on my computer. I told him that I was logging in to check his messages because he knows that was part of the deal when I let him use it. It really isn't as big a deal that he's on fb as some have made it out to be. He doesn't post anything and doesn't usually get to see the feed of what other's post either.

 

I, myself, was adopted and wasn't told until I was 13. It made me angry, very angry, that she hadn't told me beforehand and let me believe she was my biological mother all that time. That makes me think that I should let him know now rather than later. But at the same time, he's dealing with a great deal of loss already. I don't want to make it worse. Until recently, his father didn't want him to know anything about this other child. Now all of a sudden he acts like I should tell him like it's no big deal. It kind of IS a big deal to my son. I can't imagine how he'll feel about this. He already knows his father has another child... an older brother that he's met many times, but he doesn't know about the younger one. I'm kind of feeling like it would be best to wait a bit. Maybe even better to wait until the day when he'll be able to see his father again and will have to meet this other child. I don't know, that could be a long ways off though.

 

One more thing... someone commented that his father has the right to acknowledge both of his children in whatever way he chooses... I agree, to a point. His father isn't the one who posts these kinds of pictures... the ow/gf is the one who does it and I know for a fact that she does this kind of stuff to piss me off or to hurt me or to hurt my child. It isn't the first time she's done it, it's just the first time my son actually saw it. Lord knows why she hates ME so much... I wasn't the one sleeping with her man for a year and a half. I've written pages and pages about how she has behaved in all of this. She's a nutcase and completely ridiculous to think that she just innocently posted these pics. She did it on purpose, I know she did. In addition... his father isn't posting pictures of our child with him. Even when he did have him for visitation he never posted pics of them having fun together. Only this other child and only by the ow/gf. She's doing it for a reason and based on what I know about the entire situation... she's doing it to hurt me, to hurt my child, to piss off the mother of the other child. She does stupid stuff like this regularly and seems to really enjoy drama.

[Raena]

I think if you end up telling him, tell him the whole story. Not just that he's a half-sibling, but that the father didn't know him for the first 6 years of his life and is trying to connect with him now. I agree with the both of you telling him together, though. Skype or FaceTime with the guy and have him explain to his son what's going on.

 

Honestly, though, an 8-year old shouldn't be on FB. I know the cat's out of the bag in a way, but there are other ways to stay in touch with someone.

 

Maybe you don't know, but why is the psycho gf ok with your ex re-connecting with his son from a previous OW? I'm assuming he has to interact with the mother. Curious if she's getting similar vibes from the gf.

 

There has been a great deal of drama between OW2/gf and OW1 as well... they don't like each other much. It's must really stink to know that the man you are involved with has children by 3 other women that he has to deal with. (insert sarcasm). The gf is ok with him reconnecting with the other other woman because he wasn't with her when she met him. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's the way it is.

 

As for your comments about fb... read my long response... I explained it there. He really doesn't normally have access to fb the way most adults do... just the messenger part of it.

[sandylee1]

Your son has been abandoned by his father. The wounds of abandonment could be felt by your son throughout his lifetime.

 

His half sibling doesn't matter right now...

 

 

100% agree with this. Your son is the most important person for you to worry about. The half sibling is the least of your concerns.

 

If you tell your son by yourself now, it means you ALONE deal with the fallout , because your H isn't around. If it's so important to your H which I doubt, as he didn't see the child for 6 years, then he can tell him.

 

Cut off the social media for your son and stick with Skype and telephone. You can also set up an email account for your son to communicate with his dad.

[merrmeade]

One more thing... someone commented that his father has the right to acknowledge both of his children in whatever way he chooses...

True or not, your exH's rights are not a priority (imo) for you.

 

It's pretty clear you put parenting your son first, as it should be. You sound like a great mom and will make the best decision for your child.

 

I do agree with some of what sandylee's saying. He's so young. What's wrong with putting FB back in storage for a little while or at least until the nasty gf show-offs kill each other off or something? It's not the only way to develop communication skills.

[sandylee1]

 

I'm kind of feeling like it would be best to wait a bit.

 

I AGREE WITH YOU ON THIS

 

Maybe even better to wait until the day when he'll be able to see his father again and will have to meet this other child. I don't know, that could be a long ways off though.

 

I AGREE WITH YOU AGAIN. IF HIS DAD CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO SEE HIM, WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN ABOUT HIS LOVECHILD.

 

 

SHE'S PROBABLY DERANGED AND JEALOUS OF YOU. SHE'S GOT THE CHEATER, BUT YOU OBVIOUSLY OCCUPY HER THOUGHTS ON A REGULAR BASIS. OR IN TYPICAL FASHION, YOUR HUSBAND HAS TOLD SO MANY LIES ABOUT YOU AND SHE FEELS THE NEED TO HURT YOU.

 

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BLOCK YOUR H ON FB YOURSELF. HE'S REALLY NOT A FRIEND IS HE.

 

 

See my comments in caps above.

[Raena]

True or not, your exH's rights are not a priority (imo) for you.

 

It's pretty clear you put parenting your son first, as it should be. You sound like a great mom and will make the best decision for your child.

 

I do agree with some of what sandylee's saying. He's so young. What's wrong with putting FB back in storage for a little while or at least until the nasty gf show-offs kill each other off or something? It's not the only way to develop communication skills.

 

While I completely understand your concerns about fb, I think I've already fixed that issue. He can still use the messenger and never see anything that girl posts. I'll be more careful about how i check up on him and make sure there isn't anything on his feed he shouldn't see should he happen to be nearby. He does use google for video chat, skype doesn't work that well on either end for him or for his father so we don't use it anymore. It will work fine as long as it's just the messenger he's using.... not sure if people realize it but you don't have to have fb loaded for messenger to work.

 

And thank you... I do work very hard to take care of my boy. He's the most important person in the world to me. I know I can't protect him from this stuff forever, but I can limit how much he knows right now and make sure not to talk badly about his father to him. I've done loads of research and talked to several family counselors/social workers/psychologists about it all. Many of my friends are in those fields... they all tell me I'm doing a much better job than any counselor could do at this point. I worry myself to death about this kind of stuff though... I don't want to say or do anything that will cause lasting harm to him.