LovelyBrown Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Today I came into my office and felt awful, everything here reminds me of MOM. I'm trying so hard to move forward and forget he ever existed but I can't because he seems to be everywhere! His emails are still in my inbox (work related so can't erase) things he's done for me, his notes! I just slammed my pen on a book because it reminds me of him, it's as if I'm 17! I so desperately want to forget this guy and work on my marriage. Sorry, I guess I'm just venting. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Sorry, I haven't read your other posts or threads for background. What came to me from reading your OP is that you should strive for a form of mental no contact in addition to the physical NC that I assume you're already undertaking. To what extent you're able, you need to control your thoughts. Shed those things that are reminders as much as you can. And when he enters your mind, make a conscious decision to stop. Envision a stop sign. Don't allow yourself to romanticize the affair. Don't ruminate on it, except in counseling. Redirect your thoughts. And I'd suggest you redirect them to your husband. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. So then commit to spending the next 5 minutes watering the marital lawn. Think of what your H would appreciate today. Perhaps you write a nice note or card. Maybe you spend a few minutes planning a weekend away. Maybe you send him a flirty text or email. Maybe you plan to pick up some lingerie. Will this solve all of the problems and eliminate all of the triggers? Of course not. But I bet it would be better than sitting there thinking of your AP. And it would be time spent towards the betterment of your marriage. If that's really what you want, commit to it with your actions. Just my $.02 Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Have you tried looking for a new job? what about talking to your H? Tell him what is going on and ask for his help, if you want to work on your marriage. It may be better to do this in front of a MC. Or write him a timeline and diary of your relationship with the OM. He will want to know. It will destroy him, but he will start to realize why you have built a wall between you and him to hide your A. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) Have you tried looking for a new job? what about talking to your H? Tell him what is going on and ask for his help, if you want to work on your marriage. It may be better to do this in front of a MC. Or write him a timeline and diary of your relationship with the OM. He will want to know. It will destroy him, but he will start to realize why you have built a wall between you and him to hide your A. Good luck. I don't want to tell him, things didn't go far enough(not a PA it was the beginning of an EA) with this other guy to warrant my hurting him so much. I can't find a new job, this a contract job hat I can't leave Edited May 27, 2015 by LovelyBrown Added info Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Today I came into my office and felt awful, everything here reminds me of MOM. I'm trying so hard to move forward and forget he ever existed but I can't because he seems to be everywhere! His emails are still in my inbox (work related so can't erase) things he's done for me, his notes! I just slammed my pen on a book because it reminds me of him, it's as if I'm 17! I so desperately want to forget this guy and work on my marriage. Sorry, I guess I'm just venting. I still question if what you had was even really an affair. I'm leaning more towards you having a crush on a really nice guy. That isn't important, because you feel you did, so it was one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 Sorry, I haven't read your other posts or threads for background. What came to me from reading your OP is that you should strive for a form of mental no contact in addition to the physical NC that I assume you're already undertaking. To what extent you're able, you need to control your thoughts. Shed those things that are reminders as much as you can. And when he enters your mind, make a conscious decision to stop. Envision a stop sign. Don't allow yourself to romanticize the affair. Don't ruminate on it, except in counseling. Redirect your thoughts. And I'd suggest you redirect them to your husband. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. So then commit to spending the next 5 minutes watering the marital lawn. Think of what your H would appreciate today. Perhaps you write a nice note or card. Maybe you spend a few minutes planning a weekend away. Maybe you send him a flirty text or email. Maybe you plan to pick up some lingerie. Will this solve all of the problems and eliminate all of the triggers? Of course not. But I bet it would be better than sitting there thinking of your AP. And it would be time spent towards the betterment of your marriage. If that's really what you want, commit to it with your actions. Just my $.02 Good luck. Thanks for your advice, it would be easier if the husband was around, he's gone for a few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 I still question if what you had was even really an affair. I'm leaning more towards you having a crush on a really nice guy. That isn't important, because you feel you did, so it was one. It may have been... I'm just going by his actions and the way he acted about our friendship to his wife, keeping things from her for months! Why would he not tell me her feelings about our friendship in order to save her the worry? Anyways, I'm done asking myself those questions, you know when you're connecting with someone in something more than a friendship. Now it's just working through having lost a friend that I happen to have fallen for. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) Best wishes. Sincerely Edited May 27, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted May 29, 2015 Author Share Posted May 29, 2015 (edited) So he comes into my office, all nice and full of life! Appologizes for his wife's craziness and then, while holding my hand, tells me he's gotta be loyal to his wife and how he doesn't want to cheat, how he basically can't because he has no way to do it, even tho it kills him. But, he wants to be friends and make things right between us? WHAT THE HELL?! I can't be friends with him, I was happy hating him! I didn't know what to say, he took me completely by surprise. He said, thanks for not loosing it on him.... Ummm, WHAT? What do I do? I can't ignore him Edited May 29, 2015 by LovelyBrown Didn't mean to quote Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 But, he wants to be friends and make things right between us? WHAT THE HELL?! I can't be friends with him, I was happy hating him! I didn't know what to say, he took me completely by surprise. ( No. He's not your friend. He's not even close to being a friend. He's using you. He likes the attention. It feeds his ego and makes him feel good about himself. This is a lot of fun for him. Not so much for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Brigit is absolutely correct. Gee, an older married man basking in the adoration of a female - unheard of. LOL. It's a big ego stroke for him without having to cheat so for him, it's guilt-free ego stroking. Quit wasting your time on such a needy douche bag. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LovelyBrown Posted June 4, 2015 Author Share Posted June 4, 2015 No. He's not your friend. He's not even close to being a friend. He's using you. He likes the attention. It feeds his ego and makes him feel good about himself. This is a lot of fun for him. Not so much for you. No, this is the most toxic friendship. Brigit is absolutely correct. Gee, an older married man basking in the adoration of a female - unheard of. LOL. It's a big ego stroke for him without having to cheat so for him, it's guilt-free ego stroking. Quit wasting your time on such a needy douche bag. Lol, we are actually the same age in our 30s. Link to post Share on other sites
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