My wife doesn't know [update]

[hawkeye_pierce]

She doesn't know that I know she cheated. From what I was told, she admitted to an emotional affair. My gut tells me that there was more to it. The person she admitted this to? Yeah, my best friend's brother. Why she thought this wouldn't get back to me I have no idea...

 

Here's the best part. I think she's had AT LEAST 2 emotional affairs. One is with a guy she works with, what I am assuming she was admitting that day. The other is with my friend's brother. The same person that came to me as soon as she admitted to an affair. I've known him and my best friend (and their other brother) for over 20 years. They are all family to me and vice versa. I think she had feelings for him and he had no idea. The reason I think this? I know from snooping on her phone that she asked him out on (what I'm sure she thought was) a date. He shot her down so fast it was sad. She's even asked him out to lunch in the last week. Again, he shot her down. He even did it in a way that I doubt she'll ask again. He's disgusted with her and wants nothing to do with her.

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I don't care about her anymore. I guess it still helps to write it all out for the world to see. My family is happy that I'm getting divorced. My best friend, his brothers and the rest of his family are all happy that things are ending. They've all seen how toxic she is. I'm just sad for our kids. I couldn't care less what happens to her now, all I care about is that I have a GREAT chance at getting primary custody of the kids. She has no idea that I've already met with a lawyer and retained them. She's going to be totally blindsided.

[minimariah]

you're obviously VERY hurt - but you're starting to use custody & children as a weapon against her. joint custody would be the best way to go, your kids need to see their mother & father EQUALLY.

 

you're angry & you're going down a very dangerous road of revenge - it will backfire. so calm down and handle this like a respectful man, with dignity -- even if she doesn't offer you the same.

[hawkeye_pierce]

She's abusive towards me and our kids. Forgive me if I don't share your sentiments.

 

Our kids act VERY differently around her than with me. She screams and yells at them all the time and wonders why they're "****heads" to her. When they're alone with me? They're awesome.

 

The best thing for our kids, at least right now? Being away from her. She's admitted that she needs to get her head on straight. That's why we're divorcing. She's quit her therapy. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.

[minimariah]

She's abusive towards me and our kids. Forgive me if I don't share your sentiments.

 

Our kids act VERY differently around her than with me. She screams and yells at them all the time and wonders why they're "****heads" to her. When they're alone with me? They're awesome.

 

The best thing for our kids, at least right now? Being away from her. She's admitted that she needs to get her head on straight. That's why we're divorcing. She's quit her therapy. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.

 

you care about her, a lot -- that much is obvious. you're too angry not to and that's totally fine. you probably have some built up resentment and anger to deal with & the sadness over losing a family unit. it's A LOT - take your time to deal with it.

 

you didn't say she was abusive in your 1st post - if that is the case, make sure your children are safe. help her if you can, if not? take care of your children -- however, don't talk bad about her... do what it can be done for your children to mantain some kind of relationship with their mother OR at least to leave that doors opened for the future when she gets better.

 

nothing can replace your parent & that strained relationship ALWAYS hurts -- even when the kids are better off without that parent. that's a hole that never gets filled, so keep that in mind.

[spanz1]

maybe subconsciously she wants you to find out.

 

 

I would use it as an opening to get her to sit down, talk about her EA, talk about how your marriage is going, talk about the sex life. I would not tell her what you know already, so when she talks you can see if her story matches what you heard (to see if she is lying or not)

[No Limit]

It's good you met with a lawyer straight away. Protect your assets, protect your kids - and get a voice recorder and carry it with you at all times when she's around. Whenever she starts rambling, you record it - which should increase your chances at primary custody quite a bit. And yeah, don't fall for the "emotional affair" nonsense; emotional affairs take quite the time to get to physical, yet she's already had multiple ones. Her affair partners just dumped her after a few times.

[aliveagain]

She doesn't know that I know she cheated. From what I was told, she admitted to an emotional affair. My gut tells me that there was more to it. The person she admitted this to? Yeah, my best friend's brother. Why she thought this wouldn't get back to me I have no idea...

 

Here's the best part. I think she's had AT LEAST 2 emotional affairs. One is with a guy she works with, what I am assuming she was admitting that day. The other is with my friend's brother. The same person that came to me as soon as she admitted to an affair. I've known him and my best friend (and their other brother) for over 20 years. They are all family to me and vice versa. I think she had feelings for him and he had no idea. The reason I think this? I know from snooping on her phone that she asked him out on (what I'm sure she thought was) a date. He shot her down so fast it was sad. She's even asked him out to lunch in the last week. Again, he shot her down. He even did it in a way that I doubt she'll ask again. He's disgusted with her and wants nothing to do with her.

 

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I don't care about her anymore. I guess it still helps to write it all out for the world to see. My family is happy that I'm getting divorced. My best friend, his brothers and the rest of his family are all happy that things are ending. They've all seen how toxic she is. I'm just sad for our kids. I couldn't care less what happens to her now, all I care about is that I have a GREAT chance at getting primary custody of the kids. She has no idea that I've already met with a lawyer and retained them. She's going to be totally blindsided.

 

Full on porn star sex, depending on where you live, may actually help you in a custody battle. Talk to your lawyer about it. If you know who her affair partners are, expose them if you haven't done so yet. She sounds very broken. Hope she gets the help she needs so she can be a good parent to your children.

[hawkeye_pierce]

Hope she gets the help she needs so she can be a good parent to your children.

 

You know what? This is all I really care about but, as you speculated, she is indeed very broken. I moved into the guest bedroom when she dropped the whole divorce bomb after 3 marriage counseling sessions and the physical distance has let me see just how broken she is. How mentally abusive, manipulative and controlling she is. Definitely not the person I dated and married. I can only hope that she will wake up and get herself in a better mental place for our kids but considering she's even stopped her individual counseling sessions, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

[hawkeye_pierce]

maybe subconsciously she wants you to find out.

 

 

I would use it as an opening to get her to sit down, talk about her EA, talk about how your marriage is going, talk about the sex life. I would not tell her what you know already, so when she talks you can see if her story matches what you heard (to see if she is lying or not)

 

I had this thought too. As for getting her to sit down and talk about her affair? Not gonna happen. I don't want to know. I'm just documenting everything I find out and everything she does/how she acts etc. and will give it to my lawyer when I decide to file. In all seriousness, she isn't just digging her own grave, she's using an excavator to do it.

[GorillaTheater]

How old are the kids, Hawkeye? What do you have in mind as far as telling them (or not) about the reasons for the divorce?

 

Sounds like you have your head on as straight as it can be under the circumstances.

[hawkeye_pierce]

How old are the kids, Hawkeye? What do you have in mind as far as telling them (or not) about the reasons for the divorce?

 

Sounds like you have your head on as straight as it can be under the circumstances.

 

Kids are preschool age. 1 more year for Kindergarten. As far as when things go down and we split, it's just going to be a generic "mommy and daddy don't get along anymore but still love you very much".

 

If my wife doesn't get her **** together, they'll figure it out on their own as they get older. If, maybe as teens, they want to know more, I may tell them that she cheated on me. Don't know that it would ever really be appropriate though. Our relationship (or lack there of) really isn't their business.

[sandylee1]

I tend not to believe it was an emotional affair when people worked together or can see each other. Men push for it to be physical. In all my years of dating pre marriage, guys were only satisfied with chatting and kissing for a very limited period. Not that you care at this stage.

[beatcuff]

She's abusive towards me and our kids. Forgive me if I don't share your sentiments.

 

Our kids act VERY differently around her than with me. She screams and yells at them all the time and wonders why they're "****heads" to her. When they're alone with me? They're awesome.

 

The best thing for our kids, at least right now? Being away from her. She's admitted that she needs to get her head on straight. That's why we're divorcing. She's quit her therapy. She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.

 

OP, persons under stress often 'lash out'. it is obvious she is not happy. and it is just as obvious you are very angry --- at her. you gave no timeline but this is moving very quickly. you are acting with emotion (much like she does when lashing out). and decisions while under emotional stress are far too often wrong.

 

she admitted she needs help: that is huge. but your expectations that changes will happen 'the first time' is unrealistic.

 

i suggest you stop. slow down. in a quiet moment have a serious discussion about your M. she needs to know you are 'tired' of x,y, & z. and you are ready to move forward without her. maybe this will be the catalyst to a happier life. leave out the EA for now. she will deny it, you will have to get proof, etc. it will drown out your other concerns: basically waste time.

 

btw if you think simply getting a D with solve it you are VERY wrong. you will be tied with her for at least the next 15 +/- years and really for your life. it will be best for all concerned it is on better, mutual terms rather than your current track of escalation.

[acrosstheuniverse]

she admitted she needs help: that is huge. but your expectations that changes will happen 'the first time' is unrealistic.

 

Admitting she needs help isn't necessarily huge. It can be the first time but unfortunately many people start to use it as a tool of manipulation: If they admit they need help, people around them will breathe a sigh of relief and they've then bought themselves some more time of continuing with the behaviour, often minus severe consequences that are staved off by the admission.

 

What IS big is her seeking help. Provable concrete actions that can be measured and verified, seeking out therapy and attending every single session and doing all of the work set inbetween.

[hawkeye_pierce]

OP, persons under stress often 'lash out'. it is obvious she is not happy. and it is just as obvious you are very angry --- at her. you gave no timeline but this is moving very quickly. you are acting with emotion (much like she does when lashing out). and decisions while under emotional stress are far too often wrong.

 

she admitted she needs help: that is huge. but your expectations that changes will happen 'the first time' is unrealistic.

 

i suggest you stop. slow down. in a quiet moment have a serious discussion about your M. she needs to know you are 'tired' of x,y, & z. and you are ready to move forward without her. maybe this will be the catalyst to a happier life. leave out the EA for now. she will deny it, you will have to get proof, etc. it will drown out your other concerns: basically waste time.

 

btw if you think simply getting a D with solve it you are VERY wrong. you will be tied with her for at least the next 15 +/- years and really for your life. it will be best for all concerned it is on better, mutual terms rather than your current track of escalation.

 

I've been asking her to go to marriage counseling for a couple years now. She wouldn't go until just within the last few months. She didn't/still doesn't know how to communicate her feelings. She went JUST LONG ENOUGH for her to be able to communicate that she didn't want to be married anymore. Then she stopped her individual counseling. There's physical health problems as well that have been an issue our entire relationship but have gotten progressively worse over the years. There's more to it but I want to retain a little anonymity.

 

Regarding sitting down and talking to her about things... No thanks. She chose to cheat. That's unforgivable in my book. Some people can work through it. I've been cheated on before and it crushed me. This time it has the added pain of ****ing up my kids' lives as well. So yeah, I am very angry. I'm working on myself though so I can be as good a father as I can. Going to counseling weekly, working out etc. All I can control is me and what I do. If that includes being angry at her, so be it.

[hawkeye_pierce]

many people start to use it as a tool of manipulation

 

This is EXACTLY my wife.

 

What IS big is her seeking help.

 

Except that she stopped going to counseling.

[beatcuff]

I've been asking her to go to marriage counseling for a couple years now. She wouldn't go until just within the last few months. She didn't/still doesn't know how to communicate her feelings. She went JUST LONG ENOUGH for her to be able to communicate that she didn't want to be married anymore.

 

the time line was not obvious in the OP, just wanted clarification (and now we have it).

 

and if she wants out and her track record (A's) back that up, then there's not much else to say.

 

Then she stopped her individual counseling.

 

you need to think of her behavior similar to a drug addiction. the first huge step is admitting. but it usually takes addicts multiple times before real corrective action is made (sometimes never).

 

this does NOT mean you have to stay and/or help her achieve results. some will say leaving maybe be the 'wake up' call for serious work (on her part).

[hawkeye_pierce]

the time line was not obvious in the OP, just wanted clarification (and now we have it).

 

I know I've been pretty defensive with some of my replies (to everyone) so I apologize about that. I've intentionally left some details out on purpose that would explain things better. Mainly because, I want things to be vague enough that if she found this, she wouldn't know 100% it's me.

 

What she does with her life going forward is her business. I won't be there to help her. She doesn't want to help herself so any attempt to TRY and help her is an exercise in futility. That, and she cheated. I have no use for her besides her role as my kids' mother.

[hawkeye_pierce]

Thoughts? I have no intention of saying anything right now. Not until everything is done. I don't know who it was with but wife admitted to my best friend's brother that she had an emotional affair with someone she worked with.

 

Now, no idea why she admitted this to him as I've known my best friend and all his family since I was little. She had to know it would get back to me. On top of all this, the brother of my friend (as well as the rest of their family) has cut communication with her.

 

After we're divorced, I know that some people will wonder why. I was planning on being honest. I didn't want the divorce but she cheated and didn't want to fix things.

 

Am I out of line? What would you do? If I knew who the other person was, and they had a wife/SO, I'd out them right now but I have no idea who it is. I have suspicions but that's it.

[autumnnight]

If you are the spouse or a close IRL family friend, this is appropriate.

 

If you are a stranger or some peripheral person, this is bordering on creepy. None of your business.

[d0nnivain]

It was an EA. Not a physical affair. If it has stopped, why not try reconciliation instead of punishment? Clearly your wife was looking for a connection she wasn't getting from you. Especially if your 1st response is to try to punish / shame her & you are already running toward divorce court. .. it makes you sound callous & cold. I can understand why she started talking to another man. If she pulled back when she realized what was happening, more power to her.

[William]

Hey folks, since there was already a thread running on this topic, I merged them for continuity. Please continue!

[hawkeye_pierce]

Hey folks, since there was already a thread running on this topic, I merged them for continuity. Please continue!

 

Sorry. I didn't put 2 and 2 together that I should have put this in that thread.

[hawkeye_pierce]

If you are the spouse or a close IRL family friend, this is appropriate.

 

If you are a stranger or some peripheral person, this is bordering on creepy. None of your business.

 

I am the spouse.

[hawkeye_pierce]

It was an EA. Not a physical affair. If it has stopped, why not try reconciliation instead of punishment? Clearly your wife was looking for a connection she wasn't getting from you. Especially if your 1st response is to try to punish / shame her & you are already running toward divorce court. .. it makes you sound callous & cold. I can understand why she started talking to another man. If she pulled back when she realized what was happening, more power to her.

 

I was the one that pushed to reconcile. She went along with counseling JUST LONG ENOUGH to work through her communication issues to get up the nerve to ask for a divorce.