TheOneYouHate Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 So today I woke up with a new perspective on life, my marriage and my affair. I know I have come across as angry, and just plain arrogant at times, but it was just me working through the garbage in my life. I don't know what happened but today I am ready to break it off with my AP. I am just realizing how this is just crazy and that I want things to work out in my marriage. I am little scared of losing that excitement, but after a couple of years of living this dual life and just the lying, cheating and all out deception it has grown old. It is caused me to be on meds for anxiety and depression, it has caused me to look at my wife in a critical way and to push her away in many ways. So I don't want it to sound like a done deal, because I need a lot of strength to end this addiction. I like the feeling of being "in love", the validation of being told nice things about yourself, and being all ooos and ahhs, but it has to change. She has wanted me to give up everything to go and be with her, everything financially, my family, friends, everything that I know and have worked for to go to another country to be with her. I guess it became really apparent yesterday, when we were texting. She has been telling me how much she misses me, and wants to be with me. Tells me that she is separated from her husband "in house", whatever that means. Then when push comes to shove, she says oh we can't see each other all next month because her and his schedules don't allow it. I give up everything for this woman, I have risked everything and I get the left overs still. She says I am not the other man, I am the man, but find it hard to believe. I think we are in love on some level, but it is so misguided and just morally wrong that it is not even funny. It is easy to be "in love" with a fantasy, while you sit in your current relationship with all your family around and stuff. I think when the rubber meets the road, and we are living on peanuts because my W has half of everything I own, paying alimony. etc. it will be a whole different story. I need strength to see this through and some advice. Obviously I am struggling with it a little bit, but it would be so nice just to get back to the business of life and doing the right thing. I was praying this morning for the strength to do the right thing, not necessarily the easy thing, but the right thing. I know I am all over the place with this, but I do want to do the right thing. I know I should have never gotten involved in this and it is a terrible thing to do to anyone, but I did and I am trying to just make the best of it. I just want my life back and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Oh and to add, when my anxiety issues are acting up I cling to my AP like a baby. All I want is to be with her, and yet I know that I don't belong there. I get so afraid I am leaving the love of the ages. ( I know this is deluded thinking ), but it still gives me great fear. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I give up everything for this woman, I have risked everything and I get the left overs still. Not really true is it, I mean, you're still married, so you haven't given up the one thing that reallymatters. Everything else is just stuff. By the way, we don't give up things for someone else if we dont first recognise we give them up for ourselves. If you are emotionally prepared to leave your wife for another woman, what difference does it make if she has or hasn't left her husband. She isn't leaving your wife, you are. Why should she be any different than you. Here you are vacillating between two women because the other woman hasn't given you the full speed ahead sign, and your talking about perspectives. You either want to stay married or not. It should have zero to do with who or what awaits you on the other side of that decision. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 You are far from the mindset of true reconciliation. Telling your wife - or alternatively starting the divorce process and moving out - will help you with that, as the only time someone posted here for a while and didn't tell was just balancing on inner eggshells and likely does so now for the rest of her life. You sound to me like someone who is getting sick of standing in front of the blockade that affairs set up - well, this is in your hands; make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I have a question and please be honest. Would you still want to end the A if your AP wasn't pressuring you to leave? I get the impression that's what this is all about. On your last thread, I tried to tell you not to see your OW on the last weekend romp you had with her. Honestly, how do you expect the anxiety to leave? This isn't close to being over even if you do end things with your AP. You say that you don't want to pay alimony, etc. You might not have a choice. When you W finds out which is likely because I don't think the OW is going to disappear without a fight. Get yourself into individual counselling, get your head right and figure out a way to tell your W before she finds out in another way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Honestly, I think that I would end the A even if she wasn't pressuring me to leave. I want to do it because it is the right thing to do. It is certainly not the easy thing to do, and no she will not go without a fight. She is in love with me, she claims and I am everything to her and we have made commitments to each other about the future. I know that may be some future faking as I have read. There are days that I think oh I am just going to end this it is just too much trouble, and it causes me anxiety and depression, then other days I am going to run off to her. I am in IC by the way, and I think I even frustrate my counselor. She has point blank told me to leave my AP. I have a hard time letting go obviously. You are very right, I need to tell my wife and just let the chips fall where they may. I know it will devastate her, but I guess we will either work it out or she will leave me, better than living like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 (edited) On your last thread, I tried to tell you not to see your OW on the last weekend romp you had with her. . OMG how I wish I would have listened to your advice. That weekend made things a thousand times worse. Am I just still in the affair fog ? I worry what the heck is wrong with me, why can't I end this and do the right thing ? I am not sure that there is not something emotionally or mentally wrong with me. Edited May 25, 2015 by TheOneYouHate Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Honestly and gently, you're just selfish and insecure, not anything mentally wrong. You just need a dose of reality. I'm wondering if perhaps you havent achieved a life long goal and it's killing your self esteem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Honestly, I think that I would end the A even if she wasn't pressuring me to leave. I want to do it because it is the right thing to do. It is certainly not the easy thing to do, and no she will not go without a fight. She is in love with me, she claims and I am everything to her and we have made commitments to each other about the future. I know that may be some future faking as I have read. There are days that I think oh I am just going to end this it is just too much trouble, and it causes me anxiety and depression, then other days I am going to run off to her. I am in IC by the way, and I think I even frustrate my counselor. She has point blank told me to leave my AP. I have a hard time letting go obviously. You are very right, I need to tell my wife and just let the chips fall where they may. I know it will devastate her, but I guess we will either work it out or she will leave me, better than living like this. I'm not trying to be hard on you, but I've been where you are. Affairs are extremely addicting and destructive. I've felt the confusion you feel. I've been through the future faking and fantasy. I have an anxiety disorder that I've struggled with my entire life. My A made everything worse. I was a nervous wreck. I was so wrapped up in my A, I also couldn't stop. It took a D Day and me breaking NC two months later to actually pull my head out and see things clearly. I'm sure there are some FWS's that stopped on their own, but for a lot of us it takes a D Day to stop. In your case, I strongly suggest you tell your wife. Write your OW a NC letter beforehand. Let her know you are telling your wife everything and not to contact you anymore. This way, you can show your wife you are ending the A. Your wife may or may not choose to reconcile. It's hard to tell, but either way, you'll be at least on your way to living a healthy and happy life. The members here will help and support you after you confess. If you truly want to be with your W, confessing will give you a stronger chance at reconciliation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 OMG how I wish I would have listened to your advice. That weekend made things a thousand times worse. Am I just still in the affair fog ? I worry what the heck is wrong with me, why can't I end this and do the right thing ? I am not sure that there is not something emotionally or mentally wrong with me. I knew you would feel more confused that's why I advised you to not see the OW. There's nothing wrong with you. The problem is you have got yourself in a huge mess and you know the only way to get out is to face the pain and destruction you have caused. This is a very scary thing to go through. Once the A is no longer a secret, your feelings will change. You will more than likely feel shame and embarrassment. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 A man without honor 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I think when the rubber meets the road, and we are living on peanuts because my W has half of everything I own, paying alimony. etc. it will be a whole different story. Just as the reasons for starting the affair are selfish, so are your reasons for ending it. Interesting how a self-centered search for validation and approval rarely yield the desired results. You chances to improve your life would increase dramatically if your world view was bigger than "me"... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 A man without honorGive him a break. Affair fog you know. Dismisses, excuses, blinds, distorts. Even makes them speak in tongues. Forked-tongue, that is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Give him a break. Affair fog you know. Dismisses, excuses, blinds, distorts. Even makes them speak in tongues. Forked-tongue, that is. Nice sarcasm! This is the exact reason why WS's will stay silent instead of posting and asking for help. I get it triggers some BS's to hear from us evil WS's, but a little support and understanding goes a long way. What also helped me get through my crap was encouragement from a few awesome BS's here. Why is it easier to insult the OP than it is to encourage and help? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 It sounds like you've gotten involved with the crazy type of affair partner. A very simple and easy question - what do you think would increase your chances of reconcilitaion more; your wife finding out by getting vindictive-nasty messages by MOW, or hearing it from you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 It sounds like you've gotten involved with the crazy type of affair partner. A very simple and easy question - what do you think would increase your chances of reconcilitaion more; your wife finding out by getting vindictive-nasty messages by MOW, or hearing it from you? I am sure hearing it from me. You give great advice, thanks for being so understanding. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 For many involved in affairs..the only way to make the guilt or having negative feelings about themselves go away concerning the affair. .....is to go to the very person who is having the affair with them. Why? Because almost everyone else will AGREE with that inner voice/safety valve/warning/alarm system. Usually, when one is hooked on ego kibbles....they don't really look at the nutritional value of that kibble. That is why it is usually best to listen to/be accountable to/be respectful to/have integrity of ourselves. Once one can feed their own sense of self...there becomes a lightness...a calmness...a quietness..peacefulness that emits from them. I wish you well on this new life path....I think you might enjoy the company...even if you are alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) Give him a break. Affair fog you know. Dismisses, excuses, blinds, distorts. Even makes them speak in tongues. Forked-tongue, that is.Nice sarcasm! This is the exact reason why WS's will stay silent ...But he didn't stay silent. He even gave it a "Like." And anyway, what sarcasm? What do call his own explanation then? He "liked" it because I simply named what he himself described. Affair fog "dismisses, excuses, blinds, distorts" — which is how he's been living and what he says he wants to change. By his own words, he ... dismissed: look at my wife in a critical way / doing the right thing / give up/risked everything excused: terrible thing to do to anyone / dual life / lying, cheating and all out deception distorted: just crazy / "in love" with a fantasy / angry, and just plain arrogant / get the leftovers was blinded: being all ooos and ahhs / validation of being told nice things about yourself / feeling of being "in love" / addiction / excitement I don't believe coddling will help him. He wants much more than his wife and his regular life back. He wants his soul. I hope, OP, you raise your standards above whatever they were before the affair. I hope you accept that you may lose it all, but, above all, I hope — with you — that you become the man and human being you feel you have lost and were intended to be and are able to feel proud that you did. It is not selfish to end the A because you want to redeem yourself, and it doesn't matter whether anyone else knows or believes you if you are convinced. The rest will follow. Godspeed. Edited May 26, 2015 by merrmeade 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 Okay so I sent an email to my AP telling her that I think she should work things out with her husband and that there is no way I could ever come up there. I did leave some open doors, and I know that everyone says don't leave those, but I did. I had a little panic attack after I sent it, but I sent it. We will see how she responds. Oh Dear GOD !! Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 You are REALLY not doing yourself any favors leaving any doors open. Believe me. You're just prolonging this clusterf&%k. You know why? She's going to respond with the same promises, begging and future faking she's been doing for the last how many years? Block her. You sent her the email stating your intentions (how true they are, I guess only you know) and she will receive the email. Now block her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 You are REALLY not doing yourself any favors leaving any doors open. Believe me. You're just prolonging this clusterf&%k. You know why? She's going to respond with the same promises, begging and future faking she's been doing for the last how many years? Block her. You sent her the email stating your intentions (how true they are, I guess only you know) and she will receive the email. Now block her.Create your own support before taking such difficult actions. Get everything in place first — how to block, the steps. Exactly what you'll say (short and to the point). Then, talk to yourself about what you want. Surround yourself with validating statements of what you want. Tell yourself she'll turn into a pillar of salt if you look back (symbolic but true) or whatever you have been thinking. Reread your most authentic posts. Envision the furtive, weak person you became, then shift to the strong, caring person you want to be, maybe the one you lost. Focus there and take time with each aspect. Breathe deeply and send a follow-up and close those doors. Short. Don't look back. Now, BLOCK her. Focus again and... Don't. Look. Back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Involvement with OW wasn't necessary. "It's over, goodbye" would have been enough. Your wife is the one you want to talk to; but don't waste your time trying to figure out how to tell her in a way less painful, there's no way around it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Okay so I sent an email to my AP telling her that I think she should work things out with her husband and that there is no way I could ever come up there. I did leave some open doors, and I know that everyone says don't leave those, but I did. I had a little panic attack after I sent it, but I sent it. We will see how she responds. Oh Dear GOD !! This speaks volumes. You are way too concerned with how the OW is going to react. You need to be more concerned with how your wife is going to react when it all comes out. Seriously, you need to remember that your wife might not want to stay with you after she knows. Keeping doors open will most likely lead you straight to divorce. Plus, keeping them open is going to cause a lot of unnecessary drama. I have a feeling that you don't really want to let her go. I know it's hard and your mind is still a bit foggy, but you need to redirect your thinking. I'm crossing my fingers for you. I hope you can be strong. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think going to OW before your wife will be the ultimate killer to your marriage. Once OW gets to the wife there's little hope. Might as well start packing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheOneYouHate Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think going to OW before your wife will be the ultimate killer to your marriage. Once OW gets to the wife there's little hope. Might as well start packing. Really because I thought ending it first would be the way to go then telling W. Did I read that wrong ? Link to post Share on other sites
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