So messed up.

[ChaoticMess]

Came here to get others' perspectives on infidelity. Also to vent. Also, to type War and Peace, apparently. Sorry.

 

Me, 44 year old married female, two kids (one 17 yoa daughter, one 14 yoa son). Met husband in college when 19 years old. He is four years older than me.

 

Married in 1993. He got employed in the field we were both studying before he got his associate but he already had a Bachelor's degree in History.

 

I got my Associates in same field and went to work for another employer (city job). We got married before I completed probation in my job. Left that job three years later, got pregnant with daughter in 97.

 

Son came along three years later. At this time we were living in a two bedroom house and we both knew that with two kids we'd need to expand the house or move to a place with three bedrooms. That never happened. I worked a variety of jobs and it seemed like all my money went toward bills; He stayed in the same job and climbed the ladder all that time. His money went to bills also, but he always had leftover money for the things he wanted to buy or do, and had the opportunity to work overtime to make more when he liked. We had an agreement before the kids that his extra jobs money was his, in addition to the remainder he didn't place on bills. His take averaged about $600 every two weeks and a bit more counting extra jobs. I didn't squawk about his money because it wasn't money I'd earned. And yet...

 

He liked taking me to places, eating out (a lot), buying guns, magazines, gear, other guy stuff. A few years after the kids, I took up singing with bands because I have a good voice and love music. My hobby, singing, was self-supporting as long as I got in with a band that maintained regular gigs...but only that. It covered gas money and a wireless microphone/equipment. For a singer, equipment is minimal. I wasn't going to make it big in the music industry. In the seventeen years we have lived in this house, not once was I able to talk him into building on the house, dividing the (small) room to give the kids their own space, saving for a new house. You should see his gun collection, though. Believe me, I tried to talk to him about finances, but it was a hot button topic to get him to give up his toys so I let it go frequently when I wasn't making any headway. He had a particular fascination with porn at one point, convincing me to participate in an open relationship where I told him about a liaison with another man. He brought it up, and I went along with it because in this day and age, it didn't seem like such a big deal. Later on, I realized it was a horrible idea. We quit doing it fairly soon afterward, but I started to remember it later.

 

To his credit, he would listen to me talk but it usually ended in either an argument, protestations by him that he couldn't afford to do anything, and in one notable conversation, he told me after I thought we had made some progress that he wanted to save up for a smoker. Meanwhile, in 2001 I got diagnosed with MS. This was a big deal to me (and he was supportive, but ultimately still clueless about the importance of planning ahead, and I guess I was too). I had insurance through his employer so I was able to get treatment, but over the years I came to view him with contempt. He would NEVER initiate anything around the house, I noticed he took pride in passing off work to his coworkers like it was a skill, I was always the one mowing the lawn, worrying about fixing the plumbing, trying to renovate crumbling house matters (the bathroom was a nightmare), etc. He flat out told me No to a dog (when he was a kid, HE had a dog, why couldn't HIS kids have a dog?) He was always jumping in the car and driving out of state to go places, go to shooting matches, go to see the world's largest twine ball, yada yada yada. I just got so sick of the misplaced priorities (everything had to be fun fun fun and screw the responsibility). He undermined me with the kids and discipline, insisting on letting the kids go see movies when the oldest refused to turn in homework or pay attention in classes, carrying at several points a straight F average...if I protested that letting her see a movie was rewarding the behavior, he pouted and accused me of depriving everyone of "family time." In short, he got to be the fun guy, I got to be the bad guy.

 

So I wound up confiding in my guitarist out of rage one day and you guessed it. He was supportive (of course he was, he was single) and I wound up appreciating that he had the same philosophy about raising kids (old school, not permissive but not unkind either). He was extremely talented, and built an entire sound system around the two of us as a duo when the bands kept floundering from personality and creative differences. He was helpful to me in mechanical things, teaching me how to fix my car when things broke (we tore it down ourselves and installed new parts. We did my brakes front and rear, and put on new front wheel hubs. As a builder, he knew what would be required to fix up a separate space for both kids. It went on and on, and I wound up seeing all the positive qualities of my guitarist and all of the negative qualities of my husband.

 

I fell in love with him because he was physically gifted, musically gifted, and totally emotionally into me. He was appalled that I had participated in an open relationship with my husband and told me how love is supposed to be just between the two people in a relationship, and that physicality only worked for him if he loved someone. In all the time I've known him I never saw the first porn mag in his house. I know you can look at that online but I never witnessed him doing it either, nor did he bring it up.

 

During all this time my MS seemed under control but I could tell I was missing an edge with my work. (I had gone back to school to learn drafting and design in the hopes that it would allow me to keep working if the MS disabled me). I never anticipated having cognitive deficits, since all my symptoms had been physical, primarily disrupted sensations. I grew further and further apart from my husband and decided the only way I could get my kids their own privacy was to move out and find another house. So I found another house on my paycheck only. I moved out and did not insist on taking the kids with me, only extending to both of them the information that I was trying to get them their own rooms, and that they were welcome to live with me. I did pressure my daughter to move in with me because I felt that she would fare better in the location I had chosen, as she has no driver's license and wanted to find a job. My new house was in walking distance of several ideal business prospects for her, yet still close to her Dad and the school district. Although I love my son, I didn't want to tear him away from his Dad since they seemed to be hitting it off more once I had become distant from family life. I envisioned shared parenting, because I did want to see my son as well. I just didn't want to be adversarial about it.

 

That was when my MS took off. Full-blown relapse of epic proportions, enough to make me fall when I tried to stand up. I ran into walls, door frames, scratched my face, gave myself a black eye. Got fired from a job I had just gotten a positive performance review and a raise at, two days after asking for a week's paid vacation I was entitled to so I could go in for treatment with a new drug.

 

So. When all this was blowing up, my husband decided to wake up. He told me he loved me, told me he was sorry for taking me for granted, that he wanted to work on the marriage, would I please forgive him, etc. I still had to go into treatment and there was no guarantee that the medication would stop the relapse. My AP had pledged to be with me for treatment and to take care of me. As I was now unemployed, he offered to help me make up the difference in my rent so I wouldn't lose the house. This terrified me because I felt like I was now dependent on yet another person, and I had no wish to turn into a black hole of debt. I just wanted to get the treatment and not be away from the kids...I couldn't assure that I would be able to supervise my daughter and get her to school from the new place if I was incapacitated. So I felt like I had to break the lease on the little house and move back home with the husband, not really convinced anything would change.

 

I have been resistant to reconciliation since then and miss my AP acutely. Husband appears to be trying and keeping his word. After all the crap I argued about with him, it seems to have taken me leaving to show him I was serious. He found a contractor to come in and put up dividing walls in the kids' room. Together he and the kids painted their rooms. Their new sub-rooms are tiny, but that's a necessity until we are able to repair our credit and save for something better. Ultimately though, they got what I wanted: their own space and privacy. Although it's not ideal, it's more than they had. The husband also discarded his boxes and boxes of porn. Threw it in a dumpster, all three cases of it.

 

So why am I still mad at him, and why do I think I have a right to be? I am already scheduled to see a private counselor for all this, mostly to discuss how to fall in love with my husband again. But I'm not sure that is possible. On this site, the stats say that people (WS) who have reconciled report happiness after reconciliation, and BS report happiness significantly less. If I reconcile, is my BS going to hold it against me always? Will I be able to forget how he tossed me aside in favor of his Peter Pan lifestyle?

 

(So far, the steroids the docs gave me seem to have halted the progression of the relapse, but it such a destructive relapse I am still off balance most days and if I don't work on my balance exercises I could fall if I'm not careful. I'm also on unemployment. I am applying for jobs as required, but I am afraid to commit to a job offer if I don't finish working with the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation to help me work around my documented short term memory issues and attention span problems. MS is a bitch.)

[merrmeade]

So clearly you did need to vent and explain why you're "resistant to reconciliation," which made these questions rhetorical:

... others' perspectives on infidelity... / why am I still mad at him / why do I think I have a right to be? / Will I be able to forget how he tossed me aside in favor of his Peter Pan lifestyle?

But maybe the question is only implied or partially asked:

—"... is my BS going to hold it against me always?"

— How do I deal with "...miss[ing] my AP acutely"?

— Who will take care of me now that I'm incapacitated?

— Will I reconcile with all the people that matter to me in time?

— How do I forgive myself for cheating on him?

Edited May 25, 2015 by merrmeade

[loveboid]

Make sure to get some sun daily. You could be vitamin D deficient--it's an epidemic. Have you had your levels checked?

 

Take care of your health first.

[oldshirt]

You have multiple issues taking place here and it likely will take professional counseling to sift through all the layers and deal with everything.

 

I will say however that your resentment towards your husband is normal and legit. It is typical even in couples that do fully reconcile that there is a period of anger and resentment that things had to go so far before before they woke up and smelled the coffee.

 

It's normal to feel resentment that it took you having an affair, moving out of the house (did he even protest you moving out?), becoming impacted with a life-altering disease before he took you seriously and took any responsibility and did anything that was important to you.

 

That resentment is a factor that is going to have to be delt with and addressed just like all the other issues. It is real and it is a part of the process just like everything else.

Edited May 25, 2015 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

......and yes, you do have a right to your anger and resentment.

 

You are still responsible for your behavior and conduct, but your anger and resentments are justified.

[harrybrown]

What a mess. Sorry for your health issues.

 

Those issues will not be going away.

 

But you better start making your choice, no halfway.

 

Remember in your choice, with your health issues, you do need health insurance.

 

Do you realize that your life with your AP was complete with unicorns that do not poop? Your AP would never cheat with anyone, just you. He would not have sex with anyone else but you, not even a Goddess. But he would cheat with a married woman. He is the best person to ever walk the earth, and his poop does not stink.

 

You may want to consider telling your H everything, go back to your AP, leave your kids with their father, and have the AP take care of you, in sickness and in health.

 

Your H will soon have his anger hit and will be in pain for the rest of his life.

He will not trust you and should not trust you.

 

Your AP will wake up and want someone that would not cheat on him and want someone without health issues.

 

But choose one or the other. So that means No contact with one of them.

 

But choose wisely.

[autumnnight]

I am going to treat the issues in your marriage and your choice to cheat separately. Because, quite frankly, the FACT is that they ARE both issues.

 

First, the cheating. In short, no matter what may have been going on in the rest of your life, cheating is a choice YOU made. It is important that you understand and own that 100% because if not, you are vulnerable to making bad choices every time outside circumstances become really hard. You went to this person for support, but he ended up being an escape from your problems. I have no doubt you had deep feelings for him, whether your relationship was based in reality or not. I think you probably also know it is almost impossible to have a really trusting relationship with someone you cheated with. I do not believe that "if the cheat with you they will cheat on you" is some guarantee. However, the fact that they cheated with you DOES display that they CAN cheat....and so can you.

 

Regardless of what direction you go with your husband, I urge you to fully own your choices and see them for what they were, and possibly see a good counselor (not that Eat Pray Love kind, a really good one). If you choose to reconcile, know it will be an uphill battle of helping your husband heal and learn to trust you again, and that most of that work will be on you.

 

Okay, you may be mad at me now, but I posted the A part first mainly for the benefit of others and not you.

 

As far as his issues with spending, not really taking care of you in many ways, his anger, and the areas of neglect....Those were real. Those ARE real. I am sure you experienced hurt, and I understand that you may feel afraid that if you do reconcile, things will always be the way they were. Honestly, that is a legitimate fear. Sometimes a couple and BS deal with the A and then use the aftermath of the crisis as an impetus to create a new marriage, sort of like one has an awakening after a terrible wreck or cancer or loss.

 

However, many times the A is used as a perpetual justification for NOT ever really working on the marriage, not ever really being equals, not ever allowing the marriage to have true happiness. Some people view any positive change in the marriage to be a WS getting off "scot free," and even though it makes the marriage miserable....well, there you go.

 

So you have two issues to consider. IF you choose to reconcile (and even if you don't), I think your choice has to be dealt with first. BUT in order to have any sort of marriage that is worth having, the second WILL also need to be addressed by both of you at some point.

[turnera]

If you live in America, your first priority right now is choosing whatever will give you long-term medical benefits because you are going to need more and more of it. For the rest of your life. Forget about all the other stuff and get that done. Lower your expectations about everything else until that is handled. Once you have that guaranteed somehow, THEN look and see what kind of life you can make that goes along with that decision.

[ChaoticMess]

Make sure to get some sun daily. You could be vitamin D deficient--it's an epidemic. Have you had your levels checked?

 

Take care of your health first.

Thank you. I am on supplemental Vitamin D, 7000 IU a day. I try to take care of myself as much as possible. The exercises the therapists gave me after my treatment help, and I am working out about 3 times a week. It's kind of hard to get excited about getting better because I feel like I have nothing to look forward to right now. Everything is grey. No job, uncertain prospects, missing my AP tremendously, no more music for now. The relapse took my voice away from me for a week and I worked like hell with my core exercises to get breath control and pitch back. I've never been off key in my whole life and for a while there it hurt me to hear myself wavering, searching for keys. I would nver resort to autotuning either. Autotune is the devil. I'd give up singing before I butchered a good song.

 

I am planning to submit video to another band looking for a singer, and the husband seems ok with that as long as it won't be regular playing in bars and certainly not with affair partner. I lived for music; Now I just try to sleep a lot and avoid speaking with husband as much as possible. It makes me angry when he tries to touch me even only casually; I haven't even had my second appointment with the counselor. The plan was that we would go to marriage counseling after I got a grip on personal things with an individual counselor.

 

The worst part of it is I know I should feel guilty but I mostly just feel pissed off. I worked hard at trying to communicate with him why it was important to get the kids their own rooms. When he was eight his Dad built on to their house so that he and his brother could have their own rooms, but it wasn't important for his son and daughter to have their own rooms? It's not healthy to warehouse a boy and a girl in the same room for so long, no matter how cautious you are about staggered bedtimes and rules. When he wouldn't listen to me, what could I do?

 

I worked hard to get a new place with a room for each kid; I worked hard at my job, both in getting it and in getting a positive review and raise, and I was doing everything I was supposed to managing the MS. I feel pissed off because it feels like my husband won; Everything employment related for him seems to be easy and always has been. It's like he gets handed a paycheck without even trying, and then for seventeen years he did nothing constructive with it. He managed to delay any progress on the issue until my disease advanced to the point I don't think I will regain 100% function. Goddamn I am so pissed off.

Edited May 25, 2015 by ChaoticMess

[66Charger]

You are currently using your husband for health benefits and dreaming about the AP and your angry at the one person who is making the effort?. Almost always the non doormat BS wakes up and his anger phase will kick in. I understand the why did it take this long question, but there is a thing called reality. This is now. No one wants to be used. To shoulder a huge medical and financial burden for someone while she is pining for another? You are in a fog and so is your husband. Who will wake up first? Train wreck coming.

[66Charger]

Please focus on forgiveness first. Forgive your husband first. Then ask for his forgiveness. This doesnt mean stay with him. Once you have both forgiven each other, then go with your heart. If you harbor this anger and then his anger kicks in, you will be at war. So many on here war for years. So much anger and regret. Regardless of who you will be with, make peace. Now.

[Just a Guy]

Lady, after reading your two posts I have some observations to make.

 

One. You seem to be railing at fate for having dished out a rotten deal to you.

 

Two. You seem to be envious of your husband for his doing well in his career while you are beset with health, employment and emotional problems.

 

Three. You are resenting the fact that your health and employment problems have forced you to give up your love interest(Affair Partner) and fall back on your husband for financial security.

 

I guess unless you let go of the bitterness that you obviously feel, you are not going to be able to reconcile or even feel like reconciling with your husband. Whatever you may say, your going back to stay with him while at the same time feeling resentful towards him and disliking it if he even tries to touch you, displays a very selfish side of you. You do not want to bond with him emotionally and yet you do not mind leaning on him for financial security. As others have said, when your husband enters the anger stage he is likely to resent you with equal intensity. Apart from this it is a question of honesty of intentions. Your husband may be under the impression that you have heeded his appeal to you to try and reconcile whereas you have moved back with him only because it is something thrust on you because of your own pressing circumstances. if that be the case and you genuinely do not want to reconcile with him(In your heart of hearts)then you should make that clear to him and let him decide whether he would like to keep sheltering you or not. If he chooses to ask you to move out you will have to do so at whatever cost to you.

 

My point in all this is that you have to introspect deeply and look at the resentment that is keeping you from reconciling with your husband. As long as it is there you will be unsuccessful in your endeavour. If you are able to let go of the resentment then only will you be able to start trying the reconciliation process with any hope of success. Keep in mind that your husband is a man who you chose over many others who may have been available at the time you decided to marry. Whatever chemistry brought you two together can be revived if only you first let go of the awful and debilitating resentments that are holding you back. Your husband is giving it a shot. Do not keep harping on his past behaviour but look at the positives that he has already implemented in his attitude towards you and the children and towards your marriage as a whole. So give it a cool thought and then decide on the course of action that you think is the best. Remember that some of what you have done till now is also very selfish and your husband is not the only one guilty of it. Warm wishes.

[Babs22]

ChaoticMess,

I am so sorry you are dealing with MS. I can totally understand your anger at having this and how it has impacted your life and your plans for it. I know if I found out tomorrow that I had an illness that would impact the rest of my life, I would be angry. Suddenly having difficulty moving and singing, and having small things become a challenge is a lot to deal with. I can totally understand your anger and I am glad you are going to counseling to help you deal with that.

I also can relate to the resentments you feel towards your husband for all the things that he didn't do. Having some of the same issues here. I don't really have any advice for you. You are going to counseling that is important. It sounds like you just recently went home, things are not going to get better overnight. Your husband does sound like he is trying. Perhaps he has had a wake up call when you moved out. His actions so far would seem to say that he has changed. You have decided for several reasons to give your M a chance. He is trying, I would accept that and appreciate what he is trying to do now.

I know it cannot be easy to leave your AP. I know ending it with mine, would break my heart. Perhaps you are most angry at the fact that your MS has taken away your choices. If you were healthy, you would be in your home building your life the way you wanted to. It is not really your husbands fault, but he does want to be there for you now and he is trying to change, that is something. I don't think you are going to instantly want to build a relationship with him again. Try to be happy for the little things he does each day. Thank him for those things so he knows that you appreciate the effort and let him know what you need going forward.

[ChaoticMess]

Babs22, Thank you for not judging me in your response. You nailed it about the anger and the loss of choices. MS takes away choices every day and you have to adjust your expectations. Life becomes a constantly eroding spiral of lowered expectations.

 

I felt like my husband did the kids a true disservice by having low expectations for them and their abilities. They are both so smart, and letting them get away with not applying themselves in school, or not expecting them to exercise good manners, etc. was a very difficult influence to try to counteract. I resented him for making me always the bad guy, the heavy. I figured once I got my own place, they would adjust to my expectations in my home; That I would be able to be a more positive influence on them and whatever they did in their Dad's house would be between he and them and I could just concern myself with conditions I had a say in.

 

I was especially angry that the MS destroyed my employment progress up till now. I worked so hard to get there. I'll work hard again to try to regain lost ground, with the help of the Bureau of Vocational Rehab. I just hope my mind hasn't been too fried by the stupid MS. It was important to me to show my kids what how studying in school could pay off in job prospects.

 

JustAGuy: You also nailed it. I am railing against being diagnosed with MS. I am pissed about how much of an impediment it's been to me and how it has negatively impacted my work performance and self-confidence.

 

I AM envious of my husband in his career, particularly when I recall how he bragged about getting out of doing work he managed to dump off on his co-workers. It really chapped my ass how he ran off to shooting matches while I was mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, cooking dinner, sweating a lot, trying to repair crumbling drywall/tile/grout in a bathroom that was falling apart and he took no interest in fixing himself or even learning how to do it. Hell, I was no expert either, but that's why they publish do it yourself books, and there's always YouTube. I can remember him smirking at me as I told him how I could save money by changing my own oil. He grinned and lazily explained to me I wouldn't be saving money because I had to pay for a jack to lift the car up while doing the oil change, etc etc. Not only was he was lazy, he was incredibly arrogant and ignorant. Yes, you're right. No one likes being used...even wives. I am getting pissed right now typing this. I think that's what shrinks call a trigger. Maybe I should learn meditation.

 

I AM disgusted that my employment and health problems have impacted my ability to continue to see my AP, because frankly, he was really good for me. He did everything he said he would and some things I didn't even ask him to do. Physically, he alleviated symptoms I had from muscle spasticity and pain through massage. He was VERY good at it, along with other things best left unsaid.

 

As for relying on my husband to handle financials right now, it's the least he can do after leaving me holding the bag for ten years, always having to do the bills with unrealistic limitations. I always seemed to have more month than paycheck, and again, my paychecks went almost entirely to bills while he always had his mad money. He is now finding out what I tried to talk with him about all these years. I'm letting the bills do the talking, and he is learning just how much money he really has left over to play with...and it's a damn sight less than he thought, pre-kid agreement or not!

 

Anyway...I've been reflecting on the advice offered here and am thankful for the levelheadedness and fairness of the posters on this site. I will continue to reflect on the advice and try to find it in my heart to not keep holding grudges. But as you can see, I have an uphill road in that regard.

Edited May 27, 2015 by ChaoticMess

[Popsicle]

Given your dependency on him, I think you need to appreciate your husband more.

 

You may think this is just payback but it is not. You are different than him. You actually need him. (Unless you're exaggerating things)

Edited May 27, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

Often I am just AMAZED by how entitled too many married people act and how much they take they spouses for granted.

[66Charger]

Lazy, arrogant and ignorant. The least he can do is pay my bills

 

Wow. You forgot to add dormat.

 

There is nothing to recover here. She is in the right on everything and he is a dirt bag.

Your explanations of the bad things he did do not warrant cheating. To be honest all your post say is that you did it because it feels good. Who would want to be with someone like this OP? Horrible name calling for someone who is making a effort.

 

You want to be with your AP? Go to him. Go get your happiness today. Free the lazy IGNORANT bastard. You DESERVE the AP. You deserve this life that is coming your way. Your pitiful non hard working. Blah blah blah spouse doesn't deserve you. Your AP does. Divorce. Go be with him. Let him give you those great "massages" for life. Let him be there for you.

Be happy OP. In return, soon your husband will be happy too.

[irishguy]

Why dont you just move in with the AP , then you wont be miserable anymore , then your husband can move on , see everyones happy .

[66Charger]

OP I understand MS is a big factor here and I don't think you are a horrible person, but how you describe your husbands deeds, he doesn't seem to be horrible either.not perfect, but really?. You are putting the entire demise of your marriage and health on your husband. Is that really fair?. Try to see that MS and the A are distorting things. Your life may depend on a moment of clarity. Take a gamble on time. Right now you are so angry. You are going to make a bad mistake. Think lady, think

[DKT3]

So what I get out of this is you cheated on your husband because he couldn't afford a bigger house, has a better job then you, when he gets home you running around chasing a singing career and sleeping with another guy. Oh damn you have it rough, and he is a monster.

 

Now you think he owes you something? You think he has to take care of you? Where is you lover? Why doesn't he owe you the world?

[eric1]

I feel so bad for this husband. Nobody deserves this.

[harrybrown]

so you are so pissed off.

 

The one that should be angry is your H.

 

Your health is important.

 

So get checked for stds. right away.

 

You do not have to continue to be miserable with your H.

 

You can kick him and his health insurance to the curb.

 

Just leave and go be with your AP.

 

Just leave the kids behind so that your AP does not molest them.

 

He would not molest them? He would not cheat with a married woman either.

 

But really you can have what you want. Just leave and go be with your AP.

 

Your H can take care of the kids, because your AP does not want your kids.

 

He likes having you and every other singer and groupie that hears his band.

 

 

good luck on your health and finding your true happiness with your wonderful AP. He must be the best thing than sliced bread except he will not be yours only, so continue those std checks.

[autumnnight]

Just leave the kids behind so that your AP does not molest them.

 

He would not molest them? He would not cheat with a married woman either.

 

Except for this rediculous part of the script, I pretty much agree. If you expect your H to shoulder your health bills (and I know your health is vital), the least you can do is not cheat on him.

[66Charger]

Op you should ask for your thread to be moved to the OW/OM side so you can get sympathy. I don't get how some of these threads are in this section when the noire is what they really want. Nothing to see here. Move along. Let it burn.

[ChaoticMess]

Often I am just AMAZED by how entitled too many married people act and how much they take they spouses for granted.

Yes, tell me about people taking their spouses for granted. I never did. If there was anything he wanted to do, I went along with it. Amazing how being taken for granted often leads to discord when one gets tired of it, too. Right now I sound awful, but that's the cumulative effect of taking one for the team for sixteen years. Even after getting diagnosed with MS, do you think it would occur to him to get a vasectomy instead of expecting me to have my tubes tied? Two months after our son came along, back I went to get cut. God forbid HIS precious masculinity would take a hit. Did I ask him to consider a vasectomy? Of course not. He might not like me anymore. How could I live knowing he was unhappy with making a sacrifice for me? I wasn't worth that. I was just me.

 

I know I sound awful, but he isn't actually paying my bills; He is managing the finances. Different thing. Yes, he has income going toward bills he would have already whether I was with him or not. I have income coming in too, and it's going toward my bills as well, and covering them. I may not be at the same earning potential as I was, but now that we're not buying guns, BBQ grills, smokers, gourmet groceries, gas for a guzzler SUV for weekly road trips totaling hundreds of miles several times a month...it's enough to be finally making headway with the balances. And he is lucky at that, because I am not imposing unrealistic conditions on how much he can dedicate toward the bills like he did with me. He is seeing the true financial picture for the first time, as he should. He was happily letting me shoulder the stress of worrying about bills all those years, so yeah. I am enjoying him seeing the light.

 

Vindictiveness is not a flattering quality in anyone. And whoa, but hell hath no fury like a discussion forum scorned. But I AM trying to take all the advice in. I'm just being honest. I am sure he will be honest in his own way when we hit marriage counseling. I'm not looking forward to it, I guess, but he deserves his say.