Husband is still lying

[lucille0]

Hey everyone...you may remember me from this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/519639-husband-caught-sexting-young-coworker

 

To brief you, I caught my husband sexting a co-worker. Nude pics, dirty talk, you name it. I asked him if there were any other girls from work that he asked to have a picture of. He said no.

 

Fast forward to today, 13 weeks since d-day. I heard it through the grapevine, because I know people that he works with, that he asked another woman for a picture. This woman actually has some values and did not send him a picture. The point being, he asked. What bothers me most is the lying.

 

Today, before I asked him again if he had asked anyone else for a picture, I told him that I could still tell that he was lying about things, and that unless we are open and honest with eachother again, this relationship is not going to work. So I looked him in the eye and asked him one more time if he had asked any other girls at work for a nude pic, he stared me straight in the eyes and said no. I said, "Really?" he says, "Yes. Really. I didn't" in the same conversation he said "trust me". Not particularly to that...but in general.

 

Because I knew that he was lying and just sick about it, later on that day I told him via text message, "Just tell me you asked ____ for a picture. I won't yell or fight. I just want to get past this. I'm sick of being lied to." He responded that yes he had lied and he wish he hadn't and he doesn't know why he does it...that it's a "defense mechanism"

 

WTF I can't be lied to anymore. Even if it's little things...

 

I'm questioning my own reality.

[Josmatjes]

I think when they sext someone they are feeling them out, the next step is a physical affair. I think he needs help. You obviously love him, maybe you can go to counciling together...

[Satu]

If you haven't got honesty, you haven't got anything.

[No Limit]

Are you financially able to get an attorney? You don't need to question your own reality, you already know he's sexting with other women and I'm betting a car he's already physically cheated as well. Run run run.

[i am gutted]

Are you financially able to get an attorney? You don't need to question your own reality, you already know he's sexting with other women and I'm betting a car he's already physically cheated as well. Run run run.

 

 

Sorry but I tend to agree........more than likely has been physical as well.

[i am gutted]

Hey everyone...you may remember me from this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/519639-husband-caught-sexting-young-coworker

 

To brief you, I caught my husband sexting a co-worker. Nude pics, dirty talk, you name it. I asked him if there were any other girls from work that he asked to have a picture of. He said no.

 

Fast forward to today, 13 weeks since d-day. I heard it through the grapevine, because I know people that he works with, that he asked another woman for a picture. This woman actually has some values and did not send him a picture. The point being, he asked. What bothers me most is the lying.

am sorry that you have been lied to.......again.......its so hard when they lie to you all the time. mine did too. he had a secret phone which had a number of contacts on it and also lots of pics of him and pics of the other women. naked, on the bed and even out the back shed - you name it.

 

Today, before I asked him again if he had asked anyone else for a picture, I told him that I could still tell that he was lying about things, and that unless we are open and honest with eachother again, this relationship is not going to work. So I looked him in the eye and asked him one more time if he had asked any other girls at work for a nude pic, he stared me straight in the eyes and said no. I said, "Really?" he says, "Yes. Really. I didn't" in the same conversation he said "trust me". Not particularly to that...but in general.

. after so long of asking him if he had another phone or computer his answer was always "no I have nothing".

January this year I found a laptop and put it back where he hid it...I asked him again if he had anything and the answer was no. I felt sick. Sat on it for a few days and then hit him up about it.

it hurts ae - when they look you in the face and lie straight to it.

 

Because I knew that he was lying and just sick about it, later on that day I told him via text message, "Just tell me you asked ____ for a picture. I won't yell or fight. I just want to get past this. I'm sick of being lied to." He responded that yes he had lied and he wish he hadn't and he doesn't know why he does it...that it's a "defense mechanism"

he wished you didn't find out more like it. sorry but that's whats happened here.....he does know why he does it, just like mine does. he said he was bored, liked the excitement.

WTF I can't be lied to anymore. Even if it's little things...

 

I'm questioning my own reality.

this throws up so many questions doesn't it. like I have been told....its not you its them. they have the problem and have no nads to try and work on things the right way instead of screwing up our lives.

I wish you well, try to have a good night, take care

[LifesontheUp]

He responded that yes he had lied and he wish he hadn't and he doesn't know why he does it...that it's a "defense mechanism"

 

A defence mechanism? Really?

 

Why should you put up with this behaviour, which is one step away from a physical affair.

 

He's a liar and he knows it. Honestly, I would pack his bags and tell him to go. Tell him you've packed his bags as its your defence mechanism from him destroying your life......

[No Limit]

A defence mechanism? Really?

 

He spoke the truth actually. It's a cheaters' defense mechanism to lie themselves out of trouble. Even when confronted with evidence many will still deny deny deny and lie lie lie.

[beach]

So now you understand that he's not willing to offer his honesty. And you know without it - you have no foundation for the marriage.

 

So do you plan to end it?

[VeryBrokenMan]

I had certain conditions when I confronted my WW about her affair and in my opinion and my IC's (and everything I've read) there can be no moving forward with a marriage and reconciliation without certain things happening. The first demand is no contact with the OM/OW and the second is a zero tolerance policy for lying about anything going forward. A relationship built on lies or avoidance by either spouse is not really a relationship.

 

To be brutally honest it sounds like your husband wants to be single, why don't you let him and see how he likes his new found freedom? Regardless of what he chooses you have your answer if he wants to be with you or not. I read some great advise and it goes like this: "You cannot force anyone to love you and be in your life. If they want to be in your life they will move heaven and earth to do so". I think you need to harden yourself and realize you can be just fine without him. When he see's your new found independence he might just change his ways. This is the basis for the 180 technique. And that type of hard line is why my fWW is moving heaven and earth to be in my life. Reality bites really hard and I thing tends to knock cheaters right out of there little fantasy world.

[lucille0]

Thank you everyone for all of your replies.

 

In response, he has sworn on his mother's grave that it did not go anywhere physical with anyone...but even so, it's hard to believe. I told I would be getting tested for STDs. He said that there is absolutely no reason to and that he already knows the answer but if that gives me peace of mind he says go ahead.

 

Whatever.

 

Anyway, I don't necessarily plan to end it but I am leaning more and more towards that. If not permanently, then separating so that he realizes how damn serious I am about honesty because it obviously didn't work before. I don't know what it's going to take. We also have a six month old together and without him I'm not financially independent.

 

And I believe that without honesty there is no relationship...and ya'll are right...I am scared. But I do love him. It's difficult to deal with a new job, new baby, infidelity, dishonesty, and my ever-changing hormones.

 

And there hasn't been much change with his actions in terms of being transparent/honest but all he does is cry and say how sorry he is and how me and the baby mean the world to him and that he's going to change and he's not going to lie to me again...yet there are no changes and still lies.

 

I'm trying not to let my own vision of how I wanted my family/life to be to cloud my decision making...we have been so close (or so I thought) for 8+ years, and we planned this baby...I feel like if he needs to talk dirty to women he knows and look at them naked, and lie about...that I'm really not as important to him as it seemed....

 

Thanks everyone

[sandylee1]

You can do one or more of the following :

 

- divorce

- emotionally detach from him

- see if he needs professional help

 

When you detach, you don't give a stuff about what he's doing.

[No Limit]

If you want the truth, get a polygraph done. Don't be surprised if he starts confessing in the parking lot though.

[beach]

What are you supposed to do - follow him around and check up

On him forever? That's not going to help.

 

He has no self control. He lies to you.

 

Maybe you could meet with an attorney and see how much support money he would need to pay if you divorce him...

 

He can't be trusted. And living that way is miserable.

 

Yes, get tested... You need to protect yourself every way you can. Look out for your best interest.

 

Do you have any money you can set aside in your name only? If so, do that.

[No Limit]

Oh, nearly forgot; don't have unprotected sex with him, otherwise you might as well get tested after every intercourse.

[Spark1111]

How devastating for you!

 

Some men NEVER grow up, unless you force them to.

 

They always believe the sexual grass is greener elsewhere until their AZZ is being thrown out the door and the green grass at HOME has a suitcase packed and is walking out the door to a divorce attorney appointment.

 

 

Tell him you love/loved him, but do not trust him and maybe never will because he continues to lie about his extracurricular activities. ask him, would he even date, let alone be married to, a woman who was sexting nude selfies to other men?

 

then ask him, with a big smile and a far off stare, It must be exciting, right? should I try it? i sure could use some excitement!

 

watch his face crumple. I swear so many cheaters marry a really good girl or guy, become assured of their integrity and fidelity, and then use it as the jumping off point for their adolescent nonsense, convincing themselves that the BS would NEVER stray so I am safe to experiment.

 

Give the gander a taste of his own medicine.

 

I know my advice is unconventional, but trust me on this. i lived it. Put on your high heels, chat up old boyfriends, be non committal to the marriage, call and go out with your girlfriends......

 

And WAIT for him to grow the F up or lose you to that very world of sexual stimulation that he dabbled in. if he tries to pull the guilt card by insisting you stay on that pedestal moral virtue he never adhered to, call him on it with a sweet, well you did it and I loved you, so there must be something gratifying about it, right?

 

I fell off my pedestal when he pushed me. And when I started to take his low road, he absolutely hated it.

[i am gutted]

mine told my daughter that he swore on her life that he didn't have the other phone......lied about that too...daughter disgusted.

Do get tested - absolutely.

 

 

 

I didn't particularly want to separate either but after all the lies he has told and level of deception he went to, there is no trust left at all...he sucked all that away.

check out with your local family centre or somewhere like that as to what you are entitled to for assistance.

 

 

scared - yes. I was too....I was with mine since I was 16 and am 43 this week.

understandable that you are scared.....your life has been thrown into turmoil.

 

 

 

crocodile tears do you think?

 

 

 

 

feel for you...........

[Friskyone4u]

aside from the lying, he apparently is not smart enough to realize that asking co workers for these things is putting his livlihood and your hoursehold financial situation in jeopardy also.

 

you need to see an attorney to at least find out what a divorce will look like for you financially. If one of these co workers he keeps soliciting nude pictures from gets pissed off, the trouble could really begin.

[Hardgrind]

Lucille, I am very sorry you are going through this. Your comment about doubting reality really strikes a chord. It is called gas lighting and is a form of mental abuse. This was the most damaging part of my WW's affair for me because she went as far as trying to convince me that conversations we had never happened,

 

When I finally got proof of the A, I felt relief because it put me back on a solid foundation and I trusted my gut again. In our case we are divorcing because these efforts by her to make me question what I saw, heard and remembered continue to this day.

 

Trust your gut and confide in a friend who you trust to help keep yourself firmly rooted.

[Lois_Griffin]

In response, he has sworn on his mother's grave that it did not go anywhere physical with anyone...

That and a dollar will get you a jelly donut.

 

In other words, it means nothing. Cheaters will swear on their own children's lives, their sainted Grandma's, their mother's lives, and anyone else they can swear on.

 

While lying RIGHT through their teeth.

 

I honestly think that your BIGGER issue - aside from his lying - is the fact that AFTER you already are dealing with one incidence of him acting up with a coworker, he went and asked ANOTHER coworker for a nude picture.

 

Your problem isn't so much that he wont admit it to you, it's that he's STILL SEEKING OUT THIS CRAP.

 

He can swear on the Virgin Mary's life that he didn't do anything, but it's quite clear this guy is making a fool of himself all over his workplace, acting like some hormonal 14 year old boy in heat. It's actually embarrassing and completely inappropriate. What's wrong with this guy?

[flowergirl14]

If you haven't checked out chump lady do so now. Most of the betrayed spouses on there have come to realize that cheaters suck. They aren't remorseful just remorseful that they get caught. Decent people like you and I have a hard time digesting all the cheating crap. Its one thing to deal with a spouse who had a one time affair. More often than not its rarely "one time."

[i am gutted]

. They aren't remorseful just remorseful that they get caught.

yes true

 

 

Decent people like you and I have a hard time digesting all the cheating crap. Its one thing to deal with a spouse who had a one time affair

 

 

. More often than not its rarely "one time."

 

sadly I have come to realise that this is the case here.............

their level of deception is often huge.

[Lunay]

He hasn't learned, obviously.

 

You need to pack your bags, take your baby and move out. Go stay with family, do what you need to in order to get him to open his eyes.

 

If I caught my SO doing this it would be over for me personally. Sexting is in fact simulating having intercourse, without actually doing it. Is that not cheating to you? It is in my books.

He is taking you and your family for granted, he obviously doesn't care enough to stop doing it, so why are you still there?

If he does in fact need help to get over this, tell him he needs to seek counselling and you aren't coming back until he's made an effort to stop his behavior.

Don't put up with it, you're only letting him believe that you will still stay regardless of what he does. He will just find new ways to hide it and new people (away from work) to sext with.

[RightThere]

In other words, it means nothing. Cheaters will swear on their own children's lives, their sainted Grandma's, their mother's lives, and anyone else they can swear on.

 

While lying RIGHT through their teeth.

 

Yup. Lying is meaningless to cheaters because they exist in their own little world where reality doesn't enter their minds. If they say something, it has to be true, regardless of anyone else and their opinion/facts.

 

Your problem isn't so much that he wont admit it to you, it's that he's STILL SEEKING OUT THIS CRAP.

 

Not to split hairs, but both are a real problem. The fact that he continues to do it is no surprise because there are no consequences for his actions. He can lie about it, continue to do it, and nothing in his life really changes.

 

The fact that he won't admit it to you is because he has no respect for you. In his world, he is much more important than the OP, and is not on the same level. So she gets subpar treatment, including continue lying.

[jnel921]

Lucy,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate as my ex-H cheated while I was pregnant with our second child and was a compulsive liar. My choice was to leave. That was the best choice for me over 18 years ago.

 

I know this is not easy to process but you may need to consider leaving this man. First and foremost you need to question his intention. He has been doing this for a year. I highly doubt that there was no physical relationships between himself and whoever he was sexting at the time.

 

I think he was surprised you found out and confronted him. But I think that by agreeing to stay and not forego counseling because of whatever monetary issues this has convinced him that it is okay to continue since you aren't going anywhere and doing nothing about it. Arguing and accusing will not help your marriage. If his coworkers are still talking then they know more than you.

 

Don't make excuses for these women who are participating. They don't care about you. You should care more about you and your child and make serious plans to leave until he is truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to be a real H and father and most importantly respectful towards you and your M.

 

He would need to get another job. What he is doing is a total betrayal to your M. You need MC, insurance usually covers that. In most cases companies have EAP programs that will cover some sessions too. Especially if this is happening at his place of business.

 

I hope you make the right decision. Living the rest of your life looking over your shoulder and feeling that way will only make you miserable. We are only given one chance at this life. Make it the best one possible for you.

 

Good Luck