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How do I get past my wife's affair?


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I have posted a couple of times on this forum, I have even taken advice and seen a counselor. Real quick, I found out about my wifes 4 year affair a year and a half ago. I have followed her, checked email and phone, and found no evidence whatsoever that she has seen the guy again or someone else. We have been getting along quite well and she has apologized and I know she feels bad about doing it. But I can't seem to shake the visuals of she and this guy together, that it went on as long as it did, the idea that she would leave for work and kiss me and the kids good bye knowing that she was going to see this moron that very day. I saw many emails and texts between my wife and this guy while the affair was going on--This was all back in 2011-2012 and there was no mention of love whatsoever between them, mostly about getting together when and where.

 

Anyway, EVERY day for at least a few minutes it creeps into my head and though I have forgiven her and I am not being naive when I say I am certain she is not doing it again, it just makes me so sad sometimes. I look at pics of her during the time the affair was going on and that makes me very sad as well. I am concerned whether or not this is unhealthy obsession on my part, or just what to do to get past it. I know I will never forget it. I love her and we have children and I do not want to get divorced. And please no more super negative advice on how she is probably a serial cheater and the marriage is a sham or whatever, I get that. I just want to get past it as best as I can--and YES we do talk about it and did counseling and got everything out in the open, maybe a lot of the problem is mine, I don't know.....

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Don't resist or repress any thoughts or images that come to mind.

 

Just let them come and go like any other thoughts.

 

If you try to resist or repress them, it can cause tremendous tension and conflict in your psyche.

 

What you resist persists.

 

Eventually the thoughts will run out of energy, and come to mind much less often.

Edited by Satu
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I_Give_Up67

Personally, I will reserve my harsh comments as you've requested and because you have children to consider. But you may never get past these mental images. They will probably fade eventually, but may never go away completely. How is the intimacy between the two of you? If these images are affecting your intimacy with her, then your marriage may be destined to fail anyway, especially since you've already sought and received counseling.

 

IMHO, 4 years is not an affair, that's like a second marriage. The length of the betrayal would have been the nail in the coffin for me personally. If your wife has been truly remorseful (apologizing is not the same as remorse) and fully transparent since D-Day, then time may allow you to move past the mental images.

 

Sorry but there are probably no quick fixes or easy answers for you, short of giving it more time or divorce.

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understand50

bdf3116

 

I think to get truly over the affair, you need to talk to your wife and have her answer all your questions. You should do this until you have no questions to that you need answers to. She needs to work with you on this. I would SCHEDULE a talk once a month, the rule being is what ever is talked about stay in the once a month meeting, but you both are open, completely honest to each other.

 

Reconciliation is not easy, and both must work to meet the needs of the other. You can Forgive and live and love your wife, but you will never forget. Your marriage, will always have this over it. You have decided to stay, so your wife needs to show love and remorse and help you trough this pain. How she does this will show you who and what your wife truly is.

11811194

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VeryBrokenMan

The problem is not yours at all, you did not do this. This is her problem and she needs to take responsibility for cleaning it up and for helping you heal. But the mental images are up to you to learn to deal with because she can't do that for you. My IC told me that I had to want to rid myself of them. But she has to give you all the time you need to do that. If it takes 5 years then it takes 5 years and no one including her and yourself should put a time table on it.

 

I'm 8 months or so from DDay and CBT/MCBT(Cognitive Behavior Therapy) helped a lot and I was over the worst of those images around month 4. Now they don't bother me in the least. There are tons of books on CBT on Amazon and your therapist should also know a lot about it.

 

Also this book FAST & EASY Emotional TRAUMA & PTSD Treatment: A revolutionary therapy to gain emotion control and quickly get over a breakup, abuse, humiliation, grief, guilt and shame. (Get Better Fast) (Volume 1): Ivan G. Petarnichki: 9781484896174: Amazon.com: B was very helpful and very short easy read. And it actually works!

 

Also on thing that helped is that whenever these images came to mind early on I pictured the guy in pink panties or other degrading outfits and not able to get it up, etc and that worked.

 

Good luck.

Edited by VeryBrokenMan
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A 4 year affair is a big deal. That's not a fling at work it's a double life. Don't be afraid to let go of the marriage in case you are one of the many people who can't stand their spouses' sight after such a betrayal.

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Counseling. Go to marriage counseling or else this is going to eat at you and cause a lot of problems in your marriage. Tell her that you need this in order for you to learn how to cope with this.

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Cephalopod
I just want to get past it as best as I can

 

This is your problem.

 

There is no getting past a four (4) year long affair. That is four years of your life she stole from you, with no penalties to her at all. Did she ever take responsibility for her actions? Did she do the hard work on herself (weekly counseling, total exposure, apologies to your family, etc) to show you that she was becoming a safe partner again?

 

. I just want to get past it as best as I can--and YES we do talk about it and did counseling and got everything out in the open

 

SHE needs to do counseling, not just the both of you. The both of you did not decide for her to engage in a half decade long affair.

 

You don't get past something like this. You learn healthy coping skills to be able to live with it.

 

From a cursory examination of your post it does not sound to me like your wife did anything to address her issues. Maybe if she made you feel safer about her as a mate, then the mind movies would lessen with time.

Edited by Cephalopod
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twosadthings

You have only four posts in over a year since joining Love Shack. You don't say whether she is truly remorseful and how she shows it. In an earlier post you said she seems that she would like to sweep what happened under the rug. If she has not appreciated the consequences of four years in betrayal beyond being called a slut by your son, it is your fault.

 

 

I say that 100% of a remorseful spouse and children is far better than no spouse and 50% of time with your children. You need to determine if she is truly remorseful and understands the consequences of her actions and is willing to do what it takes for her to prove that to you.

 

 

Anything less is rug sweeping and further betrayal.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

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TrustedthenBusted
I have posted a couple of times on this forum, I have even taken advice and seen a counselor. Real quick, I found out about my wifes 4 year affair a year and a half ago. I have followed her, checked email and phone, and found no evidence whatsoever that she has seen the guy again or someone else. We have been getting along quite well and she has apologized and I know she feels bad about doing it. But I can't seem to shake the visuals of she and this guy together, that it went on as long as it did, the idea that she would leave for work and kiss me and the kids good bye knowing that she was going to see this moron that very day. I saw many emails and texts between my wife and this guy while the affair was going on--This was all back in 2011-2012 and there was no mention of love whatsoever between them, mostly about getting together when and where.

 

Anyway, EVERY day for at least a few minutes it creeps into my head and though I have forgiven her and I am not being naive when I say I am certain she is not doing it again, it just makes me so sad sometimes. I look at pics of her during the time the affair was going on and that makes me very sad as well. I am concerned whether or not this is unhealthy obsession on my part, or just what to do to get past it. I know I will never forget it. I love her and we have children and I do not want to get divorced. And please no more super negative advice on how she is probably a serial cheater and the marriage is a sham or whatever, I get that. I just want to get past it as best as I can--and YES we do talk about it and did counseling and got everything out in the open, maybe a lot of the problem is mine, I don't know.....

 

If you are doing all the right things, then you just need more time. it will never NOT have happened, and there will be reminders that force their way into your daily lives for the rest of your time together.

 

It never goes away completely, but you CAN choose to give it a smaller place at the table. This becomes easier with time, which you haven't really have that much of yet.

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You're going through some rough times, and none of it is your fault. You have mentioned that you have gone to counseling, but it may be a good idea to continue counseling for yourself until you find a way out of this.

 

You may never get these pictures out of your head, or these thoughts. You acknowledge that you'll never forget it, so is this something you can bite down on and live with?

 

At the end of it, though, you are the only one that knows whether or not you can live a happier life and be there for your children the way they need you with or without your spouse. Coming from an adult of divorced parents who stayed together for the kids, I would never recommend staying together for the sake of kids. We see that, and know what's going on. Sometimes it makes us feel responsible for your grief, and that's a heavy burden for a child. I know that I personally wished for my parents to get a divorce every single day.

 

I know you don't want to think about that route, and I'm not urging you to, but am just letting you know that it's not always best to stay together for the sake of children if that's what you're doing.

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drifter777

There's no magic cure for your If its been a year and a half then its likely the mind-movies and visions of her having sex with OM will never go away. The frequency will probably reduce and, possibly, even the intensity of their impact on you. So if you decide to stay married to her then just suck it up and suffer. On the other hand, you can avoid the consent trigger of seeing her face every day if you divorce her. Your choice.

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harrybrown

What would she do if you had a four year affair?

 

How do you know that she loves you more than the OM?

 

Did you expose to his wife? Does your wife talk to you about this?

 

four years is not a mistake. She made many decisions. Do you have children, and I hope they are yours.

 

Good luck.

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Artie Lang

i don't think you really ever get over such a betrayal... a LTA even less, i suppose. you only learn to cope with it.

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bubbaganoosh

A four year affair? IMO she wouldn't be under the same roof with me. She isn't one valid excuse she could give you.

 

One time is one time too many but when it goes on for that long, I'm sorry friend, that isn't a marriage, it's a farce and all the "I'm sorry's" cant make up for four years of cheating.

 

I think the only way you get the images out of your head is hiring a lawyer and unloading her. Sooner or later your unhappiness with what she did will surface and it will be a unhappy house hold and if it comes down that mom and dad live apart then the kids will be better off rather than being in a house full of tension.

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I agree with what some of the others are saying - 4 years is not an affair. 4 years is a lifestyle choice and consciously leading a double life while intentionally pulling the wool over your eyes.

 

 

She is a conman that was intentionally duping you.

 

 

Asking how to get over that is like someone asking how to cope with a cancer growing inside of them. The only legitimate answer is you DON'T cope with it. you cut it out.

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From one of your previous threads: your eldest son reacted how I think you should have reacted. He doesn't see a congruent reaction in you. This is not good, I know by experience. Risk is you'll lose the respect of your offspring if you are not going to be pro-active. You have to do something.

 

I understand that you don't want to end your marriage, but your marriage is an illusion right now. It's highly unlikely that your wife has any romantic feelings for you after four!!!! years of betrayal. She romantically rewired her brain. She changes herself, so her outlook of you has changes also.

 

Being with you is more comfy then being on her own. If you have no problem with that, go for it. It's your life, I truly hope for you that you will be able to find peace. I'm about the same age as you, and I think that men of our age don't need this aggravation in our lives.

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Just a Guy

Hi BDF, Sorry to see you here. I guess you are looking for an escape that can never be found. Something like trying to get away from 'Hotel California'.The fact is that you have to face up to the reality of your situation. As others have said, four years is a long time in your married life. I do not know how long you have been married but even if it was for twenty five or thirty years, four years would be a very long time for your wife to have been cheating on you, giving you false kisses on her way to work, fibbing to you with tongue in cheek and lying next to you in bed at night after having had a rollicking time with her lover a few hours earlier. This pattern would have been repeated day in and day out till you were able to latch on to her. From what you have written, it seems that she did not end her affair on her own and did not confess to you. Rather you were the one to catch her out in her lies and deceit.

 

You say you have forgiven her and want to move on. However the invisible barrier, the elephant in the room is standing between you and your desire to move on. This barrier will not go away or disappear. It will haunt you to the end of your days. Your mind movies will continue to capture your mind at all times of the day and night and the smallest trigger will release all your pent up angst hurtful memories. Your wife sleeping next to you at night will be the biggest trigger and every time you see her face you will be reminded of her massive betrayal. There is also the fact that your wife is not truly remorseful and has not really done anything to mitigate your pain and suffering. Your subconcious mind recognizes this and keeps releasing painful pictures of your wife with her lover to torment you. Your subconcious mind is trying to warn you that all is not hunky dory in your marriage and that you would be well rid of the cause of it namely your wife. You can choose to live with her for the rest of your life but you will not be rid of these mind pictures because your subconcious mind will not let you do so. You are at a crossroads and must take a decision. What you choose to do will decide whether you live in continued torment or finally revert to a peaceful and happy life. Best wishes!

Edited by Just a Guy
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happyman64

Can I ask you a few questions BDF?

 

 

So you went to counseling with your WW. She said that her reasons for the affair was you both had drifted away and the sex had died down.

 

 

Did she ever tell why she really had the affair? Why she never approached you to talk about these issues before she screwed the OM? For four years?

 

 

So she never mentioned love or leaving you to the OM. Has she ever told you why she loves you? And why she wants to remain married to you?

 

 

So you say you still love her. You say you have forgiven her. That is great.

 

 

Now tell me why you have forgiven her? Why do you still love her?

 

 

 

 

So your oldest child found about her affair. And you feel it really sunk in at that moment. I find that odd. I would have thought if she really loved you and was truly remorseful she would have had that feeling of "I really screwed up and hurt my H" before your son's episode with his Mom.

 

 

Finally, what consequences have you shown your wife for her affair? I am not talking about consequences to hurt her.

 

 

I am talking about consequences for her lying to you for 4 years and banging another due for 4 years.

 

 

I would have expected you to ask that she see a shrink to find out why she thought an affair was ok????

 

 

How she could compartmentalize her affair and all the lies for 4 years???

 

 

I think that is what is truly bothering you now.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with still loving your wife. There is nothing wrong with forgiving her for the affair?

 

 

As long as you understand why?

 

 

And as long as she understands why she made the decisions that she did and how to put boundaries in place so it never happens again.

 

 

If my wife of 25 years did what your wife did I would be wondering just who the heck am I married too?

 

 

Your wondering now.

 

 

One more question. Did you or wife separate after the affair was exposed?

 

 

HM

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You have only four posts in over a year since joining Love Shack. You don't say whether she is truly remorseful and how she shows it. In an earlier post you said she seems that she would like to sweep what happened under the rug. If she has not appreciated the consequences of four years in betrayal beyond being called a slut by your son, it is your fault.

 

 

 

those mind movies...do fade over time. but only if there are no un-resolved questions. Like did you get a written time line of the affair. otherwise your mind will always be on high alert trying to trip her up in a lie, and prove one way or the other that she is now loyal to you or still cheating.

 

 

And yes, a lack of remorse on her part will just stoke a feeling in your belly that she is still a cheater (albeit one who might temporarily be laying low). So if you still have those gut feelings that all is not right, maybe you do need to consider divorce, OR and open marriage. they will not go away, since they are stemming from her CURRENT actions.

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davidromero43

I did that. I looked at photos from the time she was with him. And then I looked at his photos also dated the time she was with him. I guess just to feel hurt. But I felt like I had to do it. This also made it possible to put the vision of them together in my head. Now when I think about it, I'm telling myself to not think about it. Either way, I still think about it. Each day is a little better than the last. And strange as it sounds, she is also going through pain. So every time you want to talk about it, it pains her as well. She has to live knowing the pain she caused you.

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purplesorrow
IMHO Dump her ! Run away like you are on fire.

 

Why don't you give your spouse the same opportunity?

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