Reconcilation and lowered expectations/standards

[johnbol2]

Hi all. I’d appreciate your thoughts on these thoughts of mine …

 

I have posted here a while ago as JohnBol. I couldn’t locate my old password, so set up this new account as JohnBol2. My original story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/492542-should-i-sacrifice-myself-my-children

 

Update: My D day was 9 months ago. In a nutshell, I learned that my wife had an affair with another married man that lasted about eight months back in 2012. According to her, it was limited just to sexting, phone calls, and phone sex, and some plans to meet in person which they never did (which I don’t believe). We have been trying to reconcile since then, with regular ups-and downs.

 

Recently, I have realized that I had basically been going through the 5 stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I wouldn’t say I did the depression stage, but I think I just finished going through Bargaining. Not with her, but with the facts, trying to minimize the gravity of what she did (betrayal) and of what it means for her character (I hadn’t thought she was someone who could betray the person who trusted her unconditionally).

 

My Acceptance of things dawned on me yesterday. Something minor happened, that made me accept the fact that the reconciliation is not possible for me. She had sent me some sextings while I was at work in the spirit of trying to improve things, I guess. She has been remorseful, and working on fixing things. She had never done that type of “dirty” stuff with me before, but only with the other man (or men, who knows). So, I guess she was trying to make up for it. But just like the previous few times she had done this (writing, oh., I want to do X, Y, and Z with you), she kind of forgot about it all when I would get home, and never do any of those things – just empty words to help me “heal”, I guess. And it just kind of hit me: all this is fake, a project for her, and not reflective of her true feelings for me. Nothing had made her write those many dirty messages to that guy, but just the mere desire/lust to do it, even at the risk of ruining her family. But with me, it is all premeditated and serves a purpose: to fix her marriage, to save herself the trouble of working (she is a stay home mom), etc. And of course, like most stories I have read here, she has been TRYING to give me good sex, re-writing our marriage history to tell me how bad really things had been, almost getting me to believe it and feel guilty, etc, etc.

 

Of course, it is a good thing to try to fix your marriage. But what I have accepted now is, that is just not good enough for me. This fake, non-authentic stuff, is actually quite insulting, if you think about it. Someone thinks of you as a project to work on. I want the real thing, done for its own sake, like it was done with the other guy, and not for the sake of something else (saving a marriage). And, after the affair, it is simply not possible. I know each couple is different. And I am not judging others reconciling. But is reconciliation with a cheater really possible in an authentic way? It is catch 22. One the one hand, they can’t fix things unless they are trying, AND, on the other hand, they cannot really FIX it because they are trying (versus doing it for its own sake).

 

I know I may seem like a stickler. But infidelity puts you face to the face with an ugly truth: your partner had lied and fooled you. All this makes truth and authenticity even more important in your eye. And isn’t reconciliation (“the hard WORK”) an inherently contradictory effort? E.g., is it possible to reconcile away the fact that your spouse preferred another man to you and is someone who didn’t have moral qualms with becoming a cheater? Would you have married them had you known that they were capable of this? Of course, not. So why is now any different? You know it now about them. Why spend the rest of your life with such a flawed person. Yes, yes, I know we are all flawed beings. But infidelity is the cardinal sin of the marriage. There has to be lines. And you’d be crossing them with your forgiveness, at the cost of being inauthentic to yourself. So what? They deceived you, and now you are doing the same to yourself, deceiving yourself (Bargaining with reality)? Not me.

 

She says she never had feelings for the guy, and has chosen me not him. But the truth is, he is married, and not really available to her. And when I spoke to him, he said he was the one who broke it off, because he realized he loved his wife too much, and my wife was starting to become attached/possessive of her. So what, am I going to let myself become the second/safe/default choice to a cheater? A project for her to appease/placate me for the sake of something else? Even if that something else is a “noble” goal?

 

What do you think?

[Clay]

That has got to hurt. You know I wondered about that with my xW alot. I just don't think its really worth it. Sadly there are to few cheaters that actually learn from there bad choices and really invest themselves back in the marriage. Your just going to have to decide if the other things she is doing for you are enough. My personal thoughts are to just never stay. Its was never worth and of the heart ache me or my kids suffered. In fact I feel more guilty that I stayed longer instead of booting her out sooner. My children suffered greatly do to my bad choices.

 

Sorry your going through this.

 

Clay

[HurtHusband]

You are totally correct and I struggle with the same feelings ( wife cheated with a married man, got pregnant, confessed and had abortion) still with her (2 kids)

Busying myself and am there for the kids but I will never trust my wife again and it has revealed an ugly side of her personality that I never knew was there.

 

We just co-parent and coexist for now and we never really had a sex life before her affair anyway. But it's the knowledge of what she did, those memories she must have, did they laugh about me behind my back? Do things we never did? Who knows, but I try to push it to the back of my mind and work on myself. I am above this ****, and there is a better woman out there for me

Edited May 14, 2015 by HurtHusband

[ladydesigner]

Wow I definitely identified with your post OP. I am currently in Limbo after experiencing False R 9 months ago. Now my WH does seem to be trying and sdoes seem to "get it" now but I am feeling very "too little too late". So I identify with all that you have said. It seems no matter what my WH does I will never see him as a safe person to me EVER again!

[Artie Lang]

i know you came here asking for advice about staying in your marriage, but only you can answer that.

 

 

ask yourself this... can you really get past this? this type of situation is dealbreaker for most, if not many. you may very well be in this category.

 

 

is she aware of your current feelings regarding this? are you two in any kind of counseling?

Edited May 14, 2015 by Artie Lang

[DKT3]

I think all betrayed spouses deal with this.

 

In my situation I often feel her efforts are disingenuous. I have doubts about our ability to make it work, I still question my desire to do so. I often think there is someone with whom I don't have to deal with these doubts.

 

I don't have any anwsers for you, I can't answer my own question.

[johnbol2]

Thanks for your responses. All very thoughtful.

 

We have been doing counseling. But frankly I resent the fact that I have to go thru all this mess to give her "a chance" to save her marriage when she do all this with another guy at the risk of destroying her marriage.

 

I think in such situations forgiveness comes at a steep price. Loss of self-respect. What, someone can do this to me, and still have me? And why in hell would I think I deserve no better than a cheater ? Growing up as a boy, I didn't dream about marrying a cheater? Should I join then her in betraying myself?

[drifter777]

I'm an advocate of divorce for BH's and much of what you are suffering is the reason why. See a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Either you or her move out. Harden your heart toward her, maintain no contact, and you will begin to heal. Or keep doing what you are doing.

[No Limit]

You were #2 the moment she cheated. I hope you told MMs wife about the affair.

[johnbol2]

I did contact his wife. But essentially she didn't care. They apparently have an open relationship. Which made all the more. She associates our family with folks like that.

 

But what makes me really frustrated is when she says that it is me who is breaking up our family because she wants to move on and I am the one who keeps taking divorce and doing this to our kids. And I cannot put in words back to her why this is so wrong to put it on me. I am just reacting to her infidelity.

 

Her dad is a pastor and her family keeps telling her that Jesus has forgiven her and that I am just tormenting her by not getting over it.

 

And with all these ups and down, she thinks I am doing it to punish her. How convenient ... She screwed up, she repented and now I should move on ... Never minds the small inconvenient fact that I now find myself married to a cheater. I know it sounds silly ... But I didn't sign up for this?

 

If you go to bestbuy and your purchase turns up a dud, what so you do? You didn't pay for that! Take back to the store. Similarly , I didn't marry a cheater. Return!

 

Sorry I now I am just venting like a brat

[jwi71]

I did contact his wife. But essentially she didn't care. They apparently have an open relationship. Which made all the more. She associates our family with folks like that.

 

But what makes me really frustrated is when she says that it is me who is breaking up our family because she wants to move on and I am the one who keeps taking divorce and doing this to our kids. And I cannot put in words back to her why this is so wrong to put it on me. I am just reacting to her infidelity.

 

Her dad is a pastor and her family keeps telling her that Jesus has forgiven her and that I am just tormenting her by not getting over it.

 

And with all these ups and down, she thinks I am doing it to punish her. How convenient ... She screwed up, she repented and now I should move on ... Never minds the small inconvenient fact that I now find myself married to a cheater. I know it sounds silly ... But I didn't sign up for this?

 

If you go to bestbuy and your purchase turns up a dud, what so you do? You didn't pay for that! Take back to the store. Similarly , I didn't marry a cheater. Return!

 

Sorry I now I am just venting like a brat

 

9 months is just the beginning. You are not even a 1/4 through your journey (they say its 4-5 years - and I would agree with that time frame) to healing. Point is - it may be too soon to tell. And do be witness that the 9 month to 15 month time span is THE HARDEST. You are just now entering the "shyte zone" of R. Be cognizant of that as it may be coloring your view of things.

 

If you wish to D no one, least of all me, will fault you. You have every reason to do so.

 

Here's my advice: 6 more months. Give it six more months of real, honest, hard, emotional trying. Give it your all and leave nothing on the table (not saying you haven't done so already). Date her. Woo her. Pursue as you did when you once first met. Give her a chance. The baggage of the past - drop it. Make that choice and it IS a choice.

 

Now stop.

 

Did the above energize you and give you hope for R?

Or did it make you turn the other way emotionally?

 

That is your lean. Fight or flight. Again, no one blames you whichever you felt.

 

The path forward will be obvious on how you reacted.

[Artie Lang]

well, one of the first things i can say is no one can tell you when it's time to forgive a person- NO ONE! be it a pastor, a trusted family friend, a respected elder. ultimately, it is you who must feel, in your heart, when it's time to forgive. NEVER leave it to someone else to dictate your healing processs- NEVER!

 

 

that being said, 9 months is a drop in the bucket when considering the length of time to get over infidelity, if ever you do get over it.

 

 

let me ask you this... if all this pressure to keep your marriage intact weren't thrust upon you, would you stay or walk?

 

 

for all intents and purposes, these people you speak of shouldn't be mounting this pressure on you in the first place.

[fellini]

Ill try to reflect what I think, although I think it might be difficult to communicate in writing.

 

I too had a similar experience (and I think that others say it's normal suggests that there is something here to take heed)

 

Right after DDAY, a BS needs, more than anything, to know the A is over, that the AP is no longer coming between them. Fundamental. This is where NC steps in, but also a whole slew of important behaviours. The truth is these behaviours are not "authentic" in that they are negociated, agreed upon, have specific objectives that rightly need to be met. I call them hoops we require our WS's to jump through. Because I insist that although they might include some behaviours which are absolutely necessary to help reestablish trust and more important, security, there are others which are not, and we all know the noose has to be eventually slackened.

 

My point is our WS's are trying to save their marriage. And in doing that, we are complicit with creating an atmosphere aimed at one objective: survival.

Is it possible, that you are now 9 months post DDAY and are beginning to question or resent the very practices you helped put into place so that you could feel secure? There was a thread a while back in LS about this very issue: authentic vs. inauthentic WS behaviour and how we, in the end, want to love our spouses, not our WS's!

 

At 9 months my WW and I did a one month structured separation. We are now 3 weeks past 2nd year post DDAY. We got through it. I have been through your doubts. I have reflected heavily on the issue of "what I turned my WS into" by following the mantra "the WS has to do all the heavy lifting".

 

At some point the BS has to take the cross off the back we ask them to bare. The BS has to let go of the demands for inauthentic spousal behaviour, accept they jumped through our hoops, and allow them to find themselves again and live authentically. I do not mean go back to the way they were, but to at least allow them to try to live more spontaneously and to tell them to not continue to try so hard to please us, but to please themselves celebrating that the marriage is still alive, and to share that with us.

 

I think you need to do a small adjustment in your mindset, communicate that to your WS, and then see how you feel having set her a little freer, and without a cloud of divorce over her for not doing X, Y, Z in your presence.

 

9 months is an incredibly short period to be there, so if you are not ready, then just give yourself another 3 months post DDAY recovery before you start to read negative signs in behaviours you established as being fundamental to the survival of the marriage.

 

I hope I have communicated my experience in this issue adequately. I do not wish you to think you have done anything wrong, nor has she. You need to pass through this.

Edited May 15, 2015 by fellini

[Ramius]

Oh...Jesus forgave her? Well then great....move along people...nothing to see here. I would ask this of your wife's pastor/father, because Jesus forgives a murderer, does that mean there should be no consequences for their actions?

 

You can forgive the neighbor kids from throwing a rock and breaking your window. They still have to replace it with a new one.

 

Blood is thicker than water, her family will always side with her no matter what she does. They do not want to admit what she did was that big of a deal. One reason being that it reflects back on their parenting. They raised a cheater. Better to blame you for not moving on than face that reality.

 

Look man, if it's a deal breaker for you then that's it. You are under no obligation to stay and spend the rest of your life wondering if she is doing it again. If you had done what she did, and she wanted to leave these same people would be say "you go girl, you deserve better"

[Just a Guy]

Hi John. Having read your first post I find that you have a very clear idea of why you should abort this sham marriage. You do not need the advice of folks on this forum to reinforce your line of thinking or your arguments. All your arguments and thoughts on the subject are very valid. All you need to do is to gather up your courage and take that one vital step to disengage from your wife inspite of what her folk or her friends or even she might have to say. If she ever says that you were the one responsible to break up the marriage or did not try to do enough to keep it together just tell her that she killed the marriage the moment she decided to have an affair with the other man. She burnt the bridges not you. Simple as that. After that do not look back.

 

Hope this helps. Best wishes.

[katielee]

Ever associated forgiveness with a big price tag?

 

by Rick Reynolds

 

What is the cost of forgiveness? What does this have to do with

forgiving infidelity? We’ll talk about that in a moment, but first let me tell a story. Seventeen years ago, within the first two years of marriage, Sandra had multiple affairs. Doubts of whether she’d married the right man plagued her even before the wedding. A better man than Campbell she’d never find, but the spark was missing. She feared he’d be a Steady Freddie who was dull and commonplace. His impeccable character and undying love had captured her attention, but where was that romance of man and maid she’d so longed for? Those feelings never came.

 

About a year into the marriage Sandra’s boss invited her to lunch. From an innocent beginning blossomed a growing conflagration of passion. He understood her womanly need of small attentions and seemed to get her in ways Campbell never imagined. Justifying her affair was all too easy. She’d never felt like this before, confirming in her mind that she’d married the wrong person, and now she’d found the love of her life. Besides this wasn’t some spur of the moment impulsive whim, they’d spent their days at work talking about music, philosophy, religion and life. Milton knew her better in a month than Campbell had in 2 years.

 

For the first time in her life she felt compelled to recklessly abandon herself to another. It was like nothing she’d ever experienced, until Milton’s wife discovered their affair and filed for divorce. Milton immediately resigned his job and moved his family to another state. She was shocked; they had planned their future together and now, just like that, he was gone? He even told her he wanted nothing to do with her and to quit bugging him. The pain was unbearable, and even she was surprised at her response. Rather than grieving the loss and moving on, she numbed the pain with three more short-term affairs. What was the difference; she didn’t envision Campbell as any part of her future.

 

However, about a month after affair number three ended, she and Campbell conceived and life suddenly changed. She loved life as a mom and admired the way Campbell stepped up and supported the family. Over time she even grew to love her life and recognized she had indeed married well.

Skip forward 17 years when Campbell received a call from Milton’s wife. “I told him if it happened again I would no longer keep his secrets, and I just discovered he’s doing it again,” she said. “I thought that you might want to know your wife isn’t who you think she is. Why don’t you ask her about Milton?” Milton’s wife was coping with infidelity in a flurry of anger.

Initially, Sandra lied. She had decided to take the secret of her infidelity to her grave, but eventually she came clean about all four affairs before their first child’s birth. She pleaded for forgiveness; after all, it was 17 years past. But for Campbell it wasn’t seventeen years ago, ground zero was just last month. Forgiving infidelity for him didn’t seem possible. Seventeen years of faithfulness did nothing to ease the pain of her betrayal. In fact, it made it worse. She had caused him to live a lie for 17 years. He no longer trusted his current reality, his past, his future, his wife or himself. How could he have been so blind? How could he just forgive and move on?

For the sake of our discussion let me point out that there are two elements to what we refer to as forgiveness. The first is an internal matter where we choose to forgive the wrong committed against us and no longer expect justice as a result of their offense. Even more, we wish them well. The second element of forgiveness is about reconciliation. It’s where we choose to continue in relationship with that person in spite of their offense. For the sake of this discussion I’m focused on the second element, reconciliation.

All too often we talk about the high price of NOT forgiving. That forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and how failing to forgive leaves you forever a victim. We extol forgiveness as a virtue and share examples of those saints who forgave much to show forgiveness as a possibility. (Even though the fact we even share such stories indicate those people may be the exception, not the rule.) But forgiveness isn’t natural, especially when it comes to forgiving infidelity. It flows against our basic human nature. For most, our initial response to coping with infidelity is justice, not forgiveness. We want restitution, not mercy. We want the scales of justice to be balanced.

An understanding of the high cost of forgiveness seems to go missing when an offense is committed. Far too often I see an entitlement mentality when it comes to receiving forgiveness from our mate or forgiveness from God. As humans we’re supposed to forgive, right? In Christendom we teach “as God forgave us so we’re to forgive.” Isn’t that the lesson we teach our children? But we forget that forgiveness comes at a price. Even the Christian tradition teaches that the price God has paid to forgive mankind’s offenses was the life of His own Son. In the same way, the price paid by the betrayed spouse, if there is to be reconciliation, is high indeed.

What was the price of forgiveness in Campbell and Sandra’s case? Campbell had been an exceptional husband and father, not perfect by any means, but he’d lived and loved well. For him, forgiveness meant violating his personal beliefs and values. He would never have chosen to be with someone who betrayed, lied, and deceived him. He believed in the sanctity of marriage, and to choose to stay with Sandra came at the price of settling for something he never wanted.

Forgiving infidelity would mean sacrificing his dreams of the type of marriage he’d wanted. He’d never have the opportunity to brag to his children about the fidelity of their marriage. To stay meant sacrificing a marriage that was free from doubts. How could he ever again believe a word that she said if she’d been able to deceive him for 17 years? Staying meant the sacrificing of his dignity. He personally knew two of these men, and he now imagined how they’d seen him as the fool. To stay he’d have to sacrifice his rights. Didn’t he have the right to leave and find another who would be faithful to him? Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of.

All Campbell ever wanted was to love unconditionally and to be loved by someone special, but now his heart was so full of pain and distrust he wasn’t sure whether he could give himself to Sandra or anyone else again. Could he walk through the pain of her betrayal and face the demons he’d encounter if he ever gave himself to her again? For him, choosing to stay would cost him dearly.

Grace isn’t cheap; it comes at a high price. Failure to appreciate the high price paid by those choosing to forgive minimizes the magnitude of their sacrifice. The currencies used by the betrayed spouse to pay off the debt incurred by their mate’s betrayal are pride, ego, and suffering. Forgiving infidelity costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave. It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship. It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind. Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past. It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling. It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life. And I’m only beginning to scratch the surface.

 

As one who believes in the value of forgiving, I never want to be guilty of cheap grace, where I think it’s something to which I’m entitled. If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship. Anything short of that is mercy, indeed. Failing to consider the price paid by others for my sake causes me to be careless with my behavior. Forgiveness and reconciliation are expensive gifts purchased through great suffering and sacrifice on the part of the offended. Failure to understand that reality makes me blind to the love displayed by those who choose to continue on in relationship.

[Sub]

But what makes me really frustrated is when she says that it is me who is breaking up our family because she wants to move on and I am the one who keeps taking divorce and doing this to our kids. And I cannot put in words back to her why this is so wrong to put it on me. I am just reacting to her infidelity.

I think a lot of times the WS just doesn't want to make THE decision or be accountable, so they do something to force the hand of the BS. My WW had the same thought at one point, even to the point that she assumed if I left her nobody would know it was because of the A. It would be because I was done with the M and everyone would think I was responsible. Or it was my shortcomings that made her unhappy and the M start to crumble. Fortunately, she did start to take responsibility for her actions and we've made it through. But it sounds like your WW has no plans to do so, I'm sorry to say. For your own sake, I think you need to separate at the very least. You need to focus on you.

 

Her dad is a pastor and her family keeps telling her that Jesus has forgiven her and that I am just tormenting her by not getting over it.

Run. Run for the hills. They're just feeding her lack of accountability with that BS, and she's eating it up.

 

Sorry I now I am just venting like a brat

No, you're not a brat. And it kinds of ticks me off that she's getting to you like this, to the point where you feel like you don't have the right to be angry or hurt. Simply put: F*ck that!

[Popsicle]

I think that she is wanting to build up sexual tension through texting. She likes that.

[oldshirt]

I don't want to turn this into a religious or theological discussion, but it's kind of Jesus' job to forgive repentant sinners. That's what he was sent here to do.

 

She may be truly repentant of her wrongdoings and she may be deserving of Jesus' forgiving in the Christian sense, but that doesn't mean that she innately loves or desires you and that doesn't mean that you will want to remain married to someone who has done this.

 

The salvation of her soul is between her and Jesus/God and your opinion on that matter won't have any bearing.

 

The salvation of your marriage is up to you and/or your wife and what takes place between her and Jesus has no bearing.

[harrybrown]

So what would she do if you had an A and she now knew that she was your backup plan?

 

Would she forgive you? Did she get tested for stds and did you do DNA tests on the kids?

 

How is she showing you that she always chose you first? She can't do it.

 

So a twister hits a trailer park. It does damage. but there is hard work to fix the damage and it takes time. Her A did a huge number on your marriage.

 

Look at her actions not her texts. Her lack of actions speak volumes. She is not taking ACTION to repair the damage.

 

File for D and tell her if you see actions to show she has always chosen you and you are not the backup plan, then the D can be stopped.

 

She is not remorseful.

[oldshirt]

I think that she is wanting to build up sexual tension through texting. She likes that.

 

But you see that is what is at issue - she probably is NOT doing it because she likes it or is enjoying the sexual tension. She is likely doing it to Hoover him (look up the term if you're not familiar)

 

In other words, she is not acting out of desire or of her own innate feelings but rather to appease him so he keeps her around.

 

But here's the real rub, even if she is sincere and is doing it out of honest desire - he won't believe it or accept it because his trust and confidence in her has been broken. That is what losing trust is. That is what is destroyed when someone cheats.

 

Distrust isn't simply wondering if someone is still maintaining contact with the AP.. distrust is questioning the very foundation and all aspects of th marriage and relationship as a whole.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Your original post hits home as I've had all those same thoughts.

 

The first thing I'd say is most men, as high as 87% I've read are not able to forgive infidelity and move on. There is no shame in divorce after infidelity and you need to do what is right for you. Only you can decide that and I think you already have by what you are saying. But I've decided not to divorce (at least for now) and I've had all those same thoughts.

 

The one thing I've learned in there are cheaters and those who would never cheat and neither really understands the other. I'm one that would never cheat so I do not understand those who do. But what I've learned about cheating wives is that they do deeply love their husbands much of the time but they need to have their ego's stroked and the way to get that is to flirt and have other men tell them how gorgeous they are and how much they are wanted. In many cases they give up sex to get that attention and don't really feel anything more than infatuation for the other man. So ask yourself is that is what your wife is doing and she does she love that type of attention? Whatever is in a cheaters core that fuels that need for attention also allows them to risk everything to get it. I see this as a character flaw and she must understand that and change as a person so that she never cheats again. And that's a tall mountain for some women to climb. That need for attention is ingrained in a way that it's almost as needed as oxygen to them. Do you risk more years with someone that is not willing to see that or change?

 

So now she is being fake and trying to save her marriage. I think it's probably not fake, I think he is going overboard trying to save her marriage. It's not that she does not feel that way, just that she feels she needs to be over the top so you know she is doing it. The question is, will she continue to treat you well years from now and can she remain faithful from this point on? Only you can answer that but based on your thoughts now that this is not forgivable how can you move forward? You have to either recommit for a while and see where it leads or pull the plug and move on without her. You have to see her actions now was over the top but maybe coming from the right place. Maybe that is the only way she knows now to show you how she feels. There are no easy answers when a spouse cheats and you are really the only one that can decide for you and the children what is right.

[merrmeade]

9 months is just the beginning. You are not even a 1/4 through your journey (they say its 4-5 years - and I would agree with that time frame) to healing.

I've seen these numbers here and there. Also 2.5 years. Anyone know whose numbers they are? (Book? Study?) Also, is it 4-5 years to heal regardless of marriage outcome (ie, whether divorced or reconciled)?

[sandylee1]

I did contact his wife. But essentially she didn't care. They apparently have an open relationship. Which made all the more. She associates our family with folks like that.

 

But what makes me really frustrated is when she says that it is me who is breaking up our family because she wants to move on and I am the one who keeps taking divorce and doing this to our kids.

 

 

 

^^^ YOU SEE WHAT SHE SAID ABOVE, IS WHAT WOULD MAKE ME GET DIVORCED. HER TRYING TO PUT IT ON YOU. IT'S SO SELF CENTRED AND SELFISH. WOULD SHE BE HAPPY NEW TO JUST MOVE ON IF YOU HAD THE AFFAIR?

 

 

Her dad is a pastor and her family keeps telling her that Jesus has forgiven her and that I am just tormenting her by not getting over it.

 

ABSOLUTE NONSENSE. AGAIN ALL THIS RUGSWEEPING WOULD MAKE ME MAD.

 

And with all these ups and down, she thinks I am doing it to punish her. How convenient ... She screwed up, she repented and now I should move!

 

Sorry I now I am just venting like a brat

 

 

They just don't get it because they don't know what it feels like to have a spouse cheat. Your wife isn't remorseful, or at least it doesn't sound like it.

 

Don't waste too long with her if you can't get over it. Reconciliation is a gift. It's not compulsory and your not obligated to reconcile.

 

She made a vow to be faithful and broke it. No remorse = move on.

[drifter777]

I did contact his wife. But essentially she didn't care. They apparently have an open relationship. Which made all the more. She associates our family with folks like that.

 

But what makes me really frustrated is when she says that it is me who is breaking up our family because she wants to move on and I am the one who keeps taking divorce and doing this to our kids. And I cannot put in words back to her why this is so wrong to put it on me. I am just reacting to her infidelity.

 

Her dad is a pastor and her family keeps telling her that Jesus has forgiven her and that I am just tormenting her by not getting over it.

 

And with all these ups and down, she thinks I am doing it to punish her. How convenient ... She screwed up, she repented and now I should move on ... Never minds the small inconvenient fact that I now find myself married to a cheater. I know it sounds silly ... But I didn't sign up for this?

 

If you go to bestbuy and your purchase turns up a dud, what so you do? You didn't pay for that! Take back to the store. Similarly , I didn't marry a cheater. Return!

 

Sorry I now I am just venting like a brat

If you truly believe you are just being silly by struggling with her cheating and not just "getting over it" then just keep doing what you are doing. Time will heal the wound - right? Jesus forgives so your just a low-life for feeling the way you feel. Your just "venting like a brat"? Ok, then just stop posting and keep doing what you are doing.

 

As long as you see yourself as a silly brat for not magically healing then you are doomed. If you want to start to recover then divorce her. You are married to an unrepentant cheater. Asking God to forgive her is, basically, her giving herself permission to cheat without any consequences and that is as naive and narcissistic as a person can be. She has no empathy or sympathy for you. Only a 180 will get you on a path to recovery so, again, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Move out. Work with a counselor. Or just shut up and take it.