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Thinking about reconciling with my close friend after she and my H had an EA


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I met my H when I was 17. We got married while in college. We are soul mates and best friends. We laugh and have our own language and go on dates. We talk about almost everything. We travel. We have a great sex life. We've been together for 33 years. We have two teen-aged children still at home.

 

We live in a small town. We moved here 15 years ago with another couple. The wife of the couple is my H's EAP. She was my friend in both high school and college, and beyond. She calls us BFs because we are close, but I've never felt comfortable with that terms. She had a different BF in high school. I wasn't her maid of honor at her wedding. She tends to have intense friendships that don't last. I'm the friend that has stuck by her all these years. She has one other close childhood friend. I have several close friendships here, as well as long-distance friendships from earlier in life.

 

D-Day was 4 months ago. Though my H and my friend have known each other for 30 years as well, and we've been on many vacations together, they didn't "fall in love" until two years ago under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms. Last October they crossed the line into snuggling and kissing and saying I love you. This went on for over 3 months. After D-Day, I said to my husband NC or we have to separate. We stayed together

 

Since then, H and I have been to IC and CC. He says he never planned to leave me. He thought he could have his thrill of falling in love, and it would run its course, and I'd never know. When his feelings from my friend intensified, and threatened to turn into a PA, he ended it. I accept that he's a risk-taker and is going through a mid-life. He's been unhappy at work for several years. All these factors played into his crappy choice. Still it hurts like crazy. I'm bewildered, devastated, in pain. I've always been so careful not to hurt him all these years, and to meet his needs.

 

He has held me for a few months of near daily crying, and listened to me talk, and apologized, and read Shirley Glass book on infidelity. He is working on the source of his deep unhappiness with life in general. I have learned to speak up for myself. We've been working on how to communicate in areas where we disagree.

 

In the beginning, I talked to my friend, too. Then I switched to NC with her because she seemed to have little understanding of what I'm going through. She blamed her behavior on her bad marriage, when in fact she lied to me for months and abused me as a friend. Part of me would like to end the friendship forever. But she wants to try to work things out. She is reading the infidelity book right now, and says she'd be willing to go into counseling with me. I feel like I should give her a chance.

 

I would love input from any BS that experienced double betrayal like I did. Did you forgive your friend? Also, from any women who betrayed their best friends. My other close friends tell me that my friend was never really my friend if she did that to me. Is that true?

 

I've poked around threads looking for a story like mine with no success. If you know of such a thread, please point me in the right direction.

 

Thank you!!!!!!

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LivingWaterPlease

I'd definitely forgive her for your own sake but I wouldn't enter into a friendship with her again from the way you've described her character/personality and the history of your relationship.

 

She has a lot of maturing and character building to do before she's a safe friend, imo. And even if she does the work necessary to grow in these areas it'll most likely take years to accomplish.

 

Plus, you have a lot of healing to do from all that happened between her and your husband and don't need the added stress and discomfort of triggering from her being in your life.

 

If it were me I'd tell her I forgive her and wish her well yet let her know I need my space.

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VeryBrokenMan
I met my H when I was 17. We got married while in college. We are soul mates and best friends. We laugh and have our own language and go on dates. We talk about almost everything. We travel. We have a great sex life. We've been together for 33 years. We have two teen-aged children still at home.

 

We live in a small town. We moved here 15 years ago with another couple. The wife of the couple is my H's EAP. She was my friend in both high school and college, and beyond. She calls us BFs because we are close, but I've never felt comfortable with that terms. She had a different BF in high school. I wasn't her maid of honor at her wedding. She tends to have intense friendships that don't last. I'm the friend that has stuck by her all these years. She has one other close childhood friend. I have several close friendships here, as well as long-distance friendships from earlier in life.

 

D-Day was 4 months ago. Though my H and my friend have known each other for 30 years as well, and we've been on many vacations together, they didn't "fall in love" until two years ago under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms. Last October they crossed the line into snuggling and kissing and saying I love you. This went on for over 3 months. After D-Day, I said to my husband NC or we have to separate. We stayed together

 

Since then, H and I have been to IC and CC. He says he never planned to leave me. He thought he could have his thrill of falling in love, and it would run its course, and I'd never know. When his feelings from my friend intensified, and threatened to turn into a PA, he ended it. I accept that he's a risk-taker and is going through a mid-life. He's been unhappy at work for several years. All these factors played into his crappy choice. Still it hurts like crazy. I'm bewildered, devastated, in pain. I've always been so careful not to hurt him all these years, and to meet his needs.

 

He has held me for a few months of near daily crying, and listened to me talk, and apologized, and read Shirley Glass book on infidelity. He is working on the source of his deep unhappiness with life in general. I have learned to speak up for myself. We've been working on how to communicate in areas where we disagree.

 

In the beginning, I talked to my friend, too. Then I switched to NC with her because she seemed to have little understanding of what I'm going through. She blamed her behavior on her bad marriage, when in fact she lied to me for months and abused me as a friend. Part of me would like to end the friendship forever. But she wants to try to work things out. She is reading the infidelity book right now, and says she'd be willing to go into counseling with me. I feel like I should give her a chance.

 

I would love input from any BS that experienced double betrayal like I did. Did you forgive your friend? Also, from any women who betrayed their best friends. My other close friends tell me that my friend was never really my friend if she did that to me. Is that true?

 

I've poked around threads looking for a story like mine with no success. If you know of such a thread, please point me in the right direction.

 

Thank you!!!!!!

 

Your life sounds similar to mine so I thought I would respond although I have no experience with my wife cheating with my BF. My DDay was about 7 months ago and I can tell you the first 4 months were the hardest so maybe you are over the worst but I'm sure everyone is different. It's a crushing blow to find out someone you were devoted to and thought you knew for 33 years is capable of doing that to you. It really changes your whole outlook on life.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and I think I would be unable to maintain a relationship with a BF that cheated with my spouse. I don't see how going forward that would even be possible. It's hard enough to forgive your spouse but to add another reminder to that mix just seems crazy to me. I know you probably feel like you've lost everything as I did but if you focus on you and what you want and what your future holds it makes it easier. Only you can decide if her friendship is worth the effort but I would at least give it a few months of NC to let the emotions die a little.

 

Good luck to you, hope you find peace.

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She crossed the line that made it impossible for her to be your friend going forward. You don't need people like that in your life. You definitely don't want her around your husband under any circumstances. Tell her you think she crossed the line with your husband and therefore you'd rather keep your distance. Then don't ever take her phone calls again. Go completely NC with her. The old saying 'with friends like that who needs enemies' comes to mind.

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Your advice is so wise, yet my particular situation makes it hard to follow. We live in a small town, and have many mutual friends and acquaintances. We will keep running into each other over and over.

 

My H, of course, wants to go back to being friends with this couple. We used to go on vacations together, hikes together, etc. We'd get together for dinner at least every other week, plus holidays. He doesn't think the NC is necessary for him, because he's compartmentalized his romantic feelings for her. Still, he has agreed to NC with her until I say otherwise for my sake.

 

He sees or talks on the phone to my friend's husband twice a week. They are still close friends, despite what happened.

 

I believe my friend wants to grow in these areas so that we have a relationship again. We love each other. But I definitely need friends right now that understand me better, are less selfish, and have my back. I don't think she can be that person for me for a long time. Maybe never.

 

You're right about me needing more time to work through this with my H before complicating my life by talking to her. I thought I would be ready by now, but I'm not.

 

Thanks for responding!

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It's been four months. I think another month or so would be productive for healing. I'm still pretty raw. Reconciling seems like a nearly impossible task from where I sit right now. My therapist reminded me that my friend could surprise me, though.

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It's been four months. I think another month or so would be productive for healing. I'm still pretty raw. Reconciling seems like a nearly impossible task from where I sit right now. My therapist reminded me that my friend could surprise me, though.

 

Give it six months. That way you'll know why you are never going to want to be this persons friend again. Forgiveness is a separate issue. You do that for you, not for her. What you want right now is to be rescued from what she did. Wait, you'll see. You will not want this when you pass through the next phases.

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Very worrying that your husband still wants to be friends with her, I think.

 

I'm not sure if he's still in the affair fog, or if he really has moved on. Either one seems possible, but option one makes me queasy. Because of my doubts, I'm sticking to NC for now.

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Give it six months. That way you'll know why you are never going to want to be this persons friend again. Forgiveness is a separate issue. You do that for you, not for her. What you want right now is to be rescued from what she did. Wait, you'll see. You will not want this when you pass through the next phases.

 

What are the next phases? I'm not sure what you mean by "rescued." I don't want her to minimize what she did. Or sweep it under the rug. She's already told me she loves me, she's sorry, etc. etc. I would like her to be able to see what work she needs to do before we can reconcile.

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Just my $.02

 

Screw that.

 

There are 'natural consequences' that result from engaging in an affair. The affair partners having no contact with one another for life is one. Not expecting the betrayed spouse to be pals with the other woman is another.

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harrybrown

Have you had your H think about how he would feel if you had the A with her husband?

 

Would he still like to get back together with them as a couple and go on vacations together? I do not think your H understands how devastating it is to have someone cheat on you, lie to you and betray you.

 

So tell him that he ripped your heart out and threw it into the fire.

 

After he reaches in with his hand to get your heart out of the fire, his hand will hurt from that pain. Now he has to get your heart started in your chest. This is no small task. You may need years before you are better from the betrayal.

 

(not just a few months) Your H should be grateful that you have given him a second chance and he needs more distance from temptation to make sure that he does not hurt you again, because he would end up in D court.

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the only way you can let her back into your life is if you wanted her to join you and your husband in threesome sex. because if she is around, she WILL be doing your husband for sure. So if you are not ready for THAT, dump her like a load of cow manure into the garden

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So much about this is concerning to me, not the least of which the friend's husband is OK with her being friends with your H and that the question of actually still being friends with them is up for discussion.

 

I'm not sure how deep your friendships are, but my really good friends are people I can depend on and trust, no matter what. Your friend is not that person for you.

 

Not only are you trying to forgive your H and save your marriage, but now you have to remain friends with her? Let's just step all over wordster while we are at it.

 

He was unhappy with his job, she was in a bad marriage? The same marriage that she is in now? The one where you all go on vacations together? Excuses, not reasons, wordster.

 

Look. I get wanting to reconcile. I did it the first time my XH cheated. But I can tell you that had it occurred with my "friend", the reconciliation would not extend to her.

 

Interestingly, I had not thought about this in a very long time, but the counselor we went to the 2nd cheating time, told us about her experience with infidelity. Her H cheated with her best friend and when found out, they went through counseling, blah, blah, blah. He sent her a beautiful letter; she had a copy and showed it to us. You know what? He did the same thing AGAIN with the same woman and this counselor took him back, but not the friend. I was floored. I could not imagine trusting him again. She wasn't that good of a counselor, either.

 

Anyway, you will do what you want, but befriending a friend who betrayed your trust may sound forgiving and noble, but I sure would have some trouble sleeping with her knife in my back!

 

Good luck.

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ladydesigner

No please do not reconcile with your friend. She crossed a line that should never be crossed as did your WH. She doesn't deserve to have that guilt alleviated. Your friend is not a friend of the marriage anymore she needs to be removed.

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She crossed the line that made it impossible for her to be your friend going forward. You don't need people like that in your life. You definitely don't want her around your husband under any circumstances. Tell her you think she crossed the line with your husband and therefore you'd rather keep your distance. Then don't ever take her phone calls again. Go completely NC with her. The old saying 'with friends like that who needs enemies' comes to mind.

 

Very worrying that your husband still wants to be friends with her, I think.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater. I wouldn't trust either your friend or your husband again, despite the amount of years between the three of you.

 

The moment you let your friend back into your life, she will go after your husband again. I have no doubt about that. As notbroken pointed out, your friend knowingly crossed the line. Her excuse that she went after your husband because of her bad marriage is just that -- an excuse. She made a choice and when caught, blames her husband. When you try to hold her accountable, she refuses to take any blame so you stop talking to her. Doesn't matter if it's 6 months or a year. Your friend cheated on her husband with your husband because she wanted to. She is not someone you should ever trust again. Ever.

 

And as far as your husband's excuses go, he also made a bad choice. Why did he want to try to fall in love with your friend, behind your back? Mid-life crisis? Bad job? Sorry, those excuses don't fly. He did it because he wanted to. Because he's not communicating his real feelings with you despite the books and despite the counseling that he's done.

 

People don't cheat because of their external circumstances. They cheat because of their internal feelings and beliefs. No one, no job, no situation "makes" a person cheat. That person chooses to cheat on their spouse.

 

I think it's foreshadowing of what's to come that your husband wants to still be friends with the woman -- your friend -- whom he had the EA with. The last thing you want is for those two to be in contact with each other after what they did to you and to your friend's husband. Two very selfish people.

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Have you had your H think about how he would feel if you had the A with her husband?

 

Would he still like to get back together with them as a couple and go on vacations together? I do not think your H understands how devastating it is to have someone cheat on you, lie to you and betray you.

 

 

I did ask him to imagine it. I don't think it's possible to really know unless you've been through it yourself, though.

 

From your response, I'd guess you have experienced it.

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I'm not sure how deep your friendships are, but my really good friends are people I can depend on and trust, no matter what. Your friend is not that person for you.

 

Not only are you trying to forgive your H and save your marriage, but now you have to remain friends with her? Let's just step all over wordster while we are at it.

 

 

You don't feel that people can change? What if she works on herself? In any case, I'm not saying I'm taking her back as a friend, but rather that I'll talk to her about what happened. If she really can change, shouldn't I give her that chance.

 

H has agreed to NC as long as I need it. At first I imagined that would only be a few months, but as time goes on, I realize it will be longer. How much longer, I don't know. Forever is a very long time, though.

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If you let her back you'll personally re-start the affair.

 

Is this speculation, or are you speaking from personal experience?

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As notbroken pointed out, your friend knowingly crossed the line. Her excuse that she went after your husband because of her bad marriage is just that -- an excuse. She made a choice and when caught, blames her husband. When you try to hold her accountable, she refuses to take any blame so you stop talking to her. Your friend cheated on her husband with your husband because she wanted to. She is not someone you should ever trust again. Ever.

 

People don't cheat because of their external circumstances. They cheat because of their internal feelings and beliefs. No one, no job, no situation "makes" a person cheat. That person chooses to cheat on their spouse.

 

 

My friend talked about her bad marriage on our first meeting, just a week after D-Day. Later she blamed herself, but couldn't explain why she did it. I do believe that cheating is a selfish choice, and it's hard for people to admit right away that they've been selfish.

 

But do you really feel that someone that cheats once ALWAYS cheats again? Don't people ever learn from their first bad experience? I'm pretty sure there are numbers on this in Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends.

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I'm surprised by the vehemence of the responses. Is this coming from personal experience? Did anyone who posted actually have a friend that continued an affair with their H or W after reconciling?

 

Though it may seem to some that I'm a doormat, I'm not.

 

I have insisted on NC since D-Day.

 

And if my husband has another affair, I will leave the marriage.

 

I can't go through this repeatedly. If he makes the mistake twice, then I will believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Self-deception is a powerful force. I believe you can deceive yourself in a certain way once. But after you've been down the slippery slope into an EA, as Shirley Glass calls it, if you do it again, it's because you haven't learned from your past mistake.

 

I think it's possible that my husband learned from his mistake.

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You don't feel that people can change? What if she works on herself? In any case, I'm not saying I'm taking her back as a friend, but rather that I'll talk to her about what happened. If she really can change, shouldn't I give her that chance.

 

H has agreed to NC as long as I need it. At first I imagined that would only be a few months, but as time goes on, I realize it will be longer. How much longer, I don't know. Forever is a very long time, though.

 

I think people make mistakes and marriages can recover from infidelity. I'm not sure how strong those marriages are, but I imagine some of those are good. But listen, I wouldn't want to be friends with my XH's affair partners. Your friend said she loved YOUR HUSBAND. Of all the men in this world to have an affair with, she picked her best friend's husband? Really? And now, she wants to be your friend again?

 

My XH's last affair partner and I communicated by message on fb and she started saying "oh, if we met under different circumstances, we would have been friends...etc" Oh Gawd...I was not interested in that. She was married, too. My thoughts were what the hell is wrong with this woman? Not, oh I want to be her friend.

 

Look, if you want to forgive her and take her back as a friend, then do it. You certainly know your mind better than we do. I just don't need friends who would do something like that to me. That is where I am coming from.

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AlwaysGrowing

Listen, everyone has a finite amount of emotional energy to spend. Your husbands affair is going to deplete yours. You just do not have the energy to R two relationships from betrayal at the same time...or for some of us...more than one in a lifetime.

 

Put your focus on you...the only one of the three you can trust.

 

Self-care is so very important right now, let your husband work on his issues...by all means be open to him sharing this.

 

Your friend needs to find another support system...you are much, much too busy being your own support system.

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I assume your friend is still unhappy in her marriage-and I'm surprised that her husband was willingly to overlook this whole affair in just a few short months. I'm wondering if her husband knows the complete details of what transpired. She may have told him that it was "big misunderstanding" on your behalf, or twisted it to look less guilty than it actually was.

 

In my opinion an Emotional Affair is much more serious than an affair that was purely for sexual gratification. In a mere four months she wants bygones to be bygones after she and your husband betrayed you in the worst possible way?

Your husband has agreed to NC, I would not tempt fate by putting these two in each others paths again. Your "next" best friend surely will be an improvement on someone who "cuddles up" and exchanges "I love yous'" with your husband.

 

Stay strong!

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