Jump to content

Interesting article [on infidelity] in "Woman's Day. " True or not?


Recommended Posts

12 Surprising Facts About Infidelity

 

Can you spot a husband prone to infidelity? If he's unhappy with his wife, he'll cheat, right? Not necessarily. According to a Rutgers University study, 56% of men who have affairs claim to be happy in their marriages. They're largely satisfied with all they have and aren't looking for a way out, yet they still find themselves in bed with other women—and in hot water with their wives. Here, experts explain this phenomenon and dispel other popular cheating myths.

Fact #1: Most men are still in love with their wives when they cheat.

Men who cheat haven't fallen out of love; they've become unsatisfied with the current state of it. "Cheating usually occurs in the phase of companionate love, when couples begin to settle down, have kids and solidify the life being built together," says clinical psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD. While they're fulfilled in some areas, like being a provider, the romance may be missing. "We more often think of women complaining about a lack of romance, but men feel it, too," says Dr. Brosh. "They frequently suffer in silence, believing they can't get what they want from their spouses." To avoid this in your marriage, plan nights out together, set aside time for sex and discuss hopes and dreams—not just workdays and your son's last soccer game.

Fact #2: Men usually cheat with women they know.

Cheaters don't generally pick up random women in bars. "My first husband cheated on me with a childhood friend," says Diane* from New York City. "His family was close to her family, so they never lost touch." Intimacy expert Mary Jo Rapini explains, "A lot of women think that all cheating women are floozies—not true. The relationships are usually friendships first." In fact, more than 60% of affairs start at work, according to Focus on the Family. A good idea: Make sure your husband feels more connected to you than to his business partner. "Spouses go to work, take care of their kids and do separate things at night. That has to stop," says Rapini. She suggests always going to bed at the same time and cuddling.

Fact #3: Men cheat to save their marriages.

"Men love their spouses, but they don't know how to fix their relationship problems, so they go outside their marriages to fill any holes," says licensed marriage and family therapist Susan Mandel, PhD. Men want it all and have the skewed notion that another woman will make the longing for something more disappear. Then, they can live happily ever after with their wife—and their mistress—without confronting the real issues.

Fact #4: Men hate themselves after affairs.

You may think of cheaters as men without morals, but while they may like what they did, they tend to despise themselves after their indiscretions. "If he puts his ego to the side, he'll feel like a piece of garbage," says relationship expert Charles J. Orlando, author of The Problem with Women...Is Men. "After all, he's betraying another human being who he claims to care about, so that takes its toll on every part of his psyche." A cheater can feel as though he's failed as a man.

Fact #5: Cheaters often get friskier with their wives when affairs begin.

Just because a husband's touchy-feely doesn't mean his marriage is on firm footing. "When a man starts cheating, he becomes hyperactive sexually," says Rapini, explaining that his sex drive has been awakened, and his wife is still the one with whom he feels most comfortable sexually. If you notice a sudden change in your husband's sex drive, it should raise a red flag. Be on the lookout for the switch to flip off again. "After the affair is solid, he may begin to pull away," says Rapini.

Fact #6: Women cheat just as much as men, and their affairs are more dangerous.

An Indiana University study shows that men and women cheat at the same rate. But "the reasons the sexes cheat are different," says Orlando. He explains women are more likely to cheat for emotional satisfaction. "Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most damaging type of infidelity," says Orlando. Becoming emotionally invested in another person means you've likely checked out of your marriage. But if it's just sex, it's less about attachment and more about a hurtful mistake.

Fact #7: A wife often knows her husband's cheating.

How could Tiger Woods's ex, Elin Nordegren, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's ex, Maria Shriver, not have known what their high-profile husbands were up to? They probably did, but couldn't bear to acknowledge it. "At one level, I knew, but my denial was so strong," says Lily* from Toronto, Canada. "The pain, had I accepted it at that time, would have been too horrendous, so I had to process it slowly." According to Dr. Brosh, the jilted celebrities were likely doing the same thing: choosing what they could live with for the sake of their kids or to avoid humiliation and the fallout.

Fact #8: A couple will never work it out when the husband is in the midst of an affair.

They could agree to work on things, but it won't matter. If he's still in the throes of a hot, new romance, nothing a woman does will drag him out of it. "He's got such positivity happening, without all the drama that exists in the established relationship," says Orlando. The marriage will likely fail, unless he decides on his own accord that life isn't better with the other woman. So the key is prevention. Continue to be the woman he first fell for throughout your marriage. "Women often turn from a loving girlfriend into a nagging wife. Men aren't attracted to that." Dole out compliments and surprise him with sex—don't just yell at him about that towel on the bathroom floor, suggests Dr. Mandel.

Fact #9: Affairs can often fix a marriage.

Is infidelity the kiss of death for a couple? Not always. Although a new relationship is exciting, "an affair can rekindle the marriage," says Orlando. "Men realize who they want for the rest of their lives and that the new relationship isn't as perfect as they thought." But think hard before returning to a cheater. "Flings can highlight how little self-control someone has," explains Orlando. Still, if it was truly a one-time slip, it's possible to get back on track.

Fact #10: Even after rebuilding the marriage, a husband may still miss the affair.

Sadly, he might love his wife and want to salvage the marriage, but he doesn't totally forget about the affair. "He might miss the great things about the other woman—fun, zero responsibilities, sex, the rush or the chase—but oftentimes he misses how he feels about himself when he was with her, which is more damaging if he's trying to return to his marriage," says Orlando. Again, acting as you did when the relationship was new could help.

Fact #11: A cheater knows he's hurting the woman he loves, tearing his family apart and sacrificing his honor.

A man may realize the negative impact on his wife, family and himself, but still continue an affair. How? "It's all in the perception of the cheater," says Orlando. "If he feels unwanted, undervalued and taken for granted, his personal needs of being wanted, valued and appreciated will win out."

Fact #12: The wife's not to blame if her husband cheats on her.

Realize this: If your husband is unfaithful, it's not your fault, no matter what people say. "When a man cheats, he's making a conscious choice to do it," says Dr. Brosh. "The idea of being pushed into the arms of another woman is an expression, not a reality." Orlando echoes this sentiment: "Men don't cheat because of who she is; they cheat because of who they're not," he says. "The 'fault' is that the signs of disconnection have been ignored by both parties."

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
drifter777

Both men and women cheat at the same rate yet 11 of the 12 "Facts" are about men cheating.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Women NEED to know that us men feel a little bad when we cheat, and that it's just a phase of the marriage cause you turned in your mother.

 

I did it for US, babe. I love you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Woman's Day? Really?

Hey, I was getting my hair cut and didn't have anything to read. lol

 

Besides, gotta check in and see what you ladies are up to every so often.

Guess I'll have to check "Playboy" to see why women cheat next.

Edited by lgspot
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky

I especially like this one:

 

Fact #9: Affairs can often fix a marriage.

Is infidelity the kiss of death for a couple? Not always. Although a new relationship is exciting, "an affair can rekindle the marriage," says Orlando. "Men realize who they want for the rest of their lives and that the new relationship isn't as perfect as they thought." But think hard before returning to a cheater. "Flings can highlight how little self-control someone has," explains Orlando. Still, if it was truly a one-time slip, it's possible to get back on track.

 

And tornadoes can often fix trailer parks...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 16
Link to post
Share on other sites
merrmeade

Look, these articles are written by freelance writers who make their living from online magazines that pay for certain formulaic writing. It's perfectly legit to summarize different findings, compile them into quick reader bites with catchy section headings. Short, quick reads for the grocery store line, beauty parlor, etc. But the information is only as good as the freelancer's research.

 

This person did no research. The article is the work of freelance writer Jenna Birch, whose pitches have hooked a lot of big-name online periodicals, according to her blog — Men's Health, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Prevention, Latina, MedHelp.org, among others. Her mini-bio reads, "I love sparkles, I know too much football, and I am addicted to my iPhone. Oh, yeah. And I'm a freelance lifestyle writer + editor, working with outlets like mom.me, ...."

 

ALL of her links go to articles by other freelance writers!! She's taken their work, condensed it, and made it look authoritative – a la –ox News. Little tricks include: mix 'n' match data from 2nd, 3rd and 4th-level sources, posited into a comprehensible list of "12 Facts" of her own making, and saturated with titles and academic institutions! The PhDs she quotes? ALL private therapists interviewed locally by other freelancers for their own articles. The Rutgers and Indiana U links? More 2nd-hand reporting about the Helen Fisher and Shirley Glass studies. So why didn't she quote them? I'd wager she has no idea who they are and apparently "Woman's Day" doesn't either.

 

I trained to do this kind of writing. This article reminds me of why I didn't.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting article in "Woman's Day. " True or not?

 

True, it's an interesting article in "Woman's Day".

 

But Fact 8 is soooo untrue.

My wife does not yell at me for leaving the towel on the floor.

I leave it on the bed...

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

What is "surprising" is that these pass as "facts". Most are opinion, or at best, conjecture. Some are true some of the time, but are any true all of the time?

 

I especially like the implication in #8 - that As are cause by the BW turning into a "nag". If only she stayed as she was during courtship, the A would never happen... :rolleyes:

Link to post
Share on other sites
waterwoman

I would just like to add another few 'facts':

 

1. All cats are black

2. Everyone likes chocolate

3. Magazine articles are always factually correct.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hardgrind

I totally agree with 8. While the affair is ongoing, there is no chance for fixing the marriage. The BS can rug sweep, but the WS will not be investing in the marriage what is needed.

 

 

I think 9 is off base. Affairs are never good for marriages. If there were problems in the marriage, in the aftermath of the affair both partners may decide to give the effort needed to fix/improve the marriage. But this could have been done more easily and more effectively without the affair.

 

 

My STBXW claimed her affair was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. Really? REALLY? This type of thinking is just a way for the cheater to avoid taking responsibility and ownership for the destruction they have caused.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
elaine567

My STBXW claimed her affair was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. Really? REALLY? This type of thinking is just a way for the cheater to avoid taking responsibility and ownership for the destruction they have caused.

 

Yes, but are you not now behaving post her affair, in a way that perhaps she wanted all along. Maybe that is why she feels the A was good for her marriage.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think number 9 is just doing what all those who talk this line are doing: lazy language.

 

I think it would be more accurate to say that a marriage can emerge stronger after an affair. The affair does not fix the marriage. It's all the work the couple have to do to save it. The couple fixes it. And only if both are agreed. And only if both have incredible stamina and resources. It has been said that "crises" situations bring out the best and the most in some people. And I believe that holds true for what follows DDay. But I cannot imagine making the statement that "affairs can fix marriages" should be construed to mean the affair itself did something to help it along. If that were the case, I suppose the best thing I could do right now is go out and have a revenge affair on my wife and let her know it's surely got to be the best way to make our marriage spectacular.

 

And also I disagree with the phrase "one time slip up". This suggests that the BS is being overly cruel if s/he doesn't see a full blown E&PA as a mere "slip up". I think this is just typical Woman's Day promoting their conservative notion that a wife should overlook her silly husband's notions of grandeur, take him back, give him a pointy finger, and get back on the job.

 

There is no evidence that when someone literally emotionally and sexually "leaves" their marriage that this was a slip, it was more probably a decided solution. Sure, later, one can regret making that assumption about the marriage withstanding an extra marital period, but to call it a slip up? "Oops, I put salt in your coffee, not sugar..." "Oops I put my penis in another woman's vagina...Im terribly sorry for that..."

 

I totally agree with 8. While the affair is ongoing, there is no chance for fixing the marriage. The BS can rug sweep, but the WS will not be investing in the marriage what is needed.

 

 

I think 9 is off base. Affairs are never good for marriages. If there were problems in the marriage, in the aftermath of the affair both partners may decide to give the effort needed to fix/improve the marriage. But this could have been done more easily and more effectively without the affair.

 

 

My STBXW claimed her affair was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. Really? REALLY? This type of thinking is just a way for the cheater to avoid taking responsibility and ownership for the destruction they have caused.

Edited by fellini
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
BetrayedH
What is "surprising" is that these pass as "facts". Most are opinion, or at best, conjecture. Some are true some of the time, but are any true all of the time?

 

I especially like the implication in #8 - that As are cause by the BW turning into a "nag". If only she stayed as she was during courtship, the A would never happen... :rolleyes:

 

Yeah, but the affair is never the fault of the wife either, even though several "prevention" steps are mentioned. The writer fails to address that dichotomy.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Didn't even bother reading because articles in these kind of magazines are just trash.

Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

It was probably a fun read while waiting to get your hair cut- a little something for everyone- touches on all of the aspects of an A without placing too much blame or making too bold of statements-

 

Hope your hair looks awesome!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lion Heart
Yes, but are you not now behaving post her affair, in a way that perhaps she wanted all along. Maybe that is why she feels the A was good for her marriage.

 

elaine a divorce? (STBXW)

 

Maybe he is behaving how she wanted before her A, she's getting the D she "wanted".

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Lion Heart
I think number 9 is just doing what all those who talk this line are doing: lazy language.

 

I think it would be more accurate to say that a marriage can emerge stronger after an affair. The affair does not fix the marriage. It's all the work the couple have to do to save it. The couple fixes it. And only if both are agreed. And only if both have incredible stamina and resources. It has been said that "crises" situations bring out the best and the most in some people. And I believe that holds true for what follows DDay. But I cannot imagine making the statement that "affairs can fix marriages" should be construed to mean the affair itself did something to help it along. If that were the case, I suppose the best thing I could do right now is go out and have a revenge affair on my wife and let her know it's surely got to be the best way to make our marriage spectacular.

 

And also I disagree with the phrase "one time slip up". This suggests that the BS is being overly cruel if s/he doesn't see a full blown E&PA as a mere "slip up". I think this is just typical Woman's Day promoting their conservative notion that a wife should overlook her silly husband's notions of grandeur, take him back, give him a pointy finger, and get back on the job.

 

There is no evidence that when someone literally emotionally and sexually "leaves" their marriage that this was a slip, it was more probably a decided solution. Sure, later, one can regret making that assumption about the marriage withstanding an extra marital period, but to call it a slip up? "Oops, I put salt in your coffee, not sugar..." "Oops I put my penis in another woman's vagina...Im terribly sorry for that..."

 

Gosh you've gotta laugh hey? I love the "slip up" or "little hiccup"

(which is what my baby grandson does - little hiccups) or when my friend found her H actually IN BED with an OW and he repeatedly said in front of the OW, "she's ONLY a friend darling, why don't you believe me?". My friend replied "oh because I don't f*** my friends?".

 

Yeah a "mistake" 5 months long with multiple Os, texts, phone calls 24/7 included ummmmm just a little bit of intent in there somewhere? No. Just a little mistake.

 

Plain dumb.

LH

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
BetrayedH
Spot on 1,2,6,10 and 11

 

What about the others? You can't argue with facts.

 

;)

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would tend to agree with everything except "fact" 12.

if a spouse is horny and wants more or kinkier sex, and they keep getting rejected and are forced into twice a month vanilla sex...then it is the rejector who is to blame for the affair. sorry, turning your spouse down for sex is a REAL MARRIAGE KILLER, and it is so easily avoided...just get laid more.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...