Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Well it's been over a year now since the MOW my H had an A with has attempted contact. The A has been over since November 2013, but she attempted contact until April 2014 on and off. I guess after going through this I kept wondering if she was going to reach out again and if this would set us back, but I think after a full year of nothing she has moved on. She is blocked on all avenues but she managed to get through the last time with an email address that wasn't blocked. I do believe it's been over all this time as even if I chose not to believe my H, her communication was very telling. She said things like "I know you don't want anything to do with me" or "since you don't want me". What do those of you who have experienced infidelity think, is a year enough time to stop thinking she will come back? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 At this point, a year later, it should not matter if she comes back or not. Seriously. What matters is what you believe your husband would do if she did come back. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I would put money that the bitch is dead to him. She is just trying to cause drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 At this point, a year later, it should not matter if she comes back or not. Seriously. What matters is what you believe your husband would do if she did come back. I understand what your saying, but even though I do believe he is totally done with her, it has been something that set me back in the past. We would be doing better, then I would get a call from him saying she sent an email and he would forward it and it always seemed to upset what was going on with me. I agree it shouldn't matter but it has. I hope she has moved on as I am trying to do. I was just curious about whether or not others have had this much time of NC and the AP tries to come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I would put money that the bitch is dead to him. She is just trying to cause drama. I believe he does feel this way, and he has said as much, but she hasn't tried in a year. So right now she isn't causing drama I was just wondering if others think it's safe to say she won't again after this much time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Nothing is safe when other people are involved. Especially not when it's people who have already demonstrated that they do not care about you. Sorry, it is what it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) Nothing is safe when other people are involved. Especially not when it's people who have already demonstrated that they do not care about you. Sorry, it is what it is. What do you mean by that? My H does care for me, if that's what you meant, the MOW, she doesn't care for me. Edited May 5, 2015 by Red123 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 What do you mean by that? My H does care for me, if thalways at's what you meant, the MOW, she doesn't care for me. I'll rephrase it then. Who have demonstrated that they have the ability to disregard your interests and feelings. That goes for both of them, but since you only concentrate on OW, no you can't trust her, and why would you? If it makes it any easier, you can always work with odds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I don't think there is any statute of limitations on these things. Just as their are fWS who suddenly contact their fAP decades after the A, and fBS who continue or resume harassing the fAP years after the A, so too there will no doubt be fAP who either can't move on or who move on, but relapse after a set-back. She may be done. She may not. Or she may be done for now, but return in the future. You can't predict that. But if your H is really done, then how he handles any future attempts at contact will be your safeguard. He will either vindicate your trust, and help you become more secure in your M - or he'll disappoint you; but that's up to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I'll rephrase it then. Who have demonstrated that they have the ability to disregard your interests and feelings. That goes for both of them, but since you only concentrate on OW, no you can't trust her, and why would you? If it makes it any easier, you can always work with odds. He definitely did disregard me in a lot of ways, I guess she did too but we have never even spoke so I can't say that she owes me much. The focus is on her because she was the one reaching out. I guess there isn't a safe timeframe away to feel like it's fully over. That was what I was asking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I don't think there is any statute of limitations on these things. Just as their are fWS who suddenly contact their fAP decades after the A, and fBS who continue or resume harassing the fAP years after the A, so too there will no doubt be fAP who either can't move on or who move on, but relapse after a set-back. She may be done. She may not. Or she may be done for now, but return in the future. You can't predict that. But if your H is really done, then how he handles any future attempts at contact will be your safeguard. He will either vindicate your trust, and help you become more secure in your M - or he'll disappoint you; but that's up to him. Thanks. I believe he is really done. This A was about 3 months in total and we were separating. He views it very differently than her, I saw communication he thought he deleted so I was able have a small glance in to their A and not fully rely on what he told me. I guess because we stayed together I was just looking to see if anyone thought a year of NC meant that this was behind us, I barely ever thought of an ex even a few months after we were done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I believe he does feel this way, and he has said as much, but she hasn't tried in a year. So right now she isn't causing drama I was just wondering if others think it's safe to say she won't again after this much time. My WW is two years and a week past NC. Do I think she would go back? No. would her AP try to contact her. No. He knows where she is, had her cell, it's not blocked, can leave letters in her work mailbox, can catch her at her car. Would he welcome her back if she asked him. Hell yes. So I can trust him to stay away, and she has kept her distance, but that does not mean he is done with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Thanks. I believe he is really done. This A was about 3 months in total and we were separating. He views it very differently than her, I saw communication he thought he deleted so I was able have a small glance in to their A and not fully rely on what he told me. I guess because we stayed together I was just looking to see if anyone thought a year of NC meant that this was behind us, I barely ever thought of an ex even a few months after we were done. yes. I am like this, too. But I think the trouble with As is that they often end before one (or sometimes even both) of the APs is done, and so there is "unfinished business" that can lurk, and surface when conditions provoke it. If your H really is done, it won't make the slightest impact if she tries contact, as he simply won't engage. Hopefully she has gotten the message, and won't try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 yes. I am like this, too. But I think the trouble with As is that they often end before one (or sometimes even both) of the APs is done, and so there is "unfinished business" that can lurk, and surface when conditions provoke it. If your H really is done, it won't make the slightest impact if she tries contact, as he simply won't engage. Hopefully she has gotten the message, and won't try. He threatened to tell her H the last time she attempted contact so I hope so too. All of the times she attempted contact he told her to leave him alone so If that were me I would get the the very loud hint but not sure about her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I guess because we stayed together I was just looking to see if anyone thought a year of NC meant that this was behind us. It's behind you, when its behind you. It's not behind you yet, or your question wouldn't be on the board. I'm on your side, red. Don't give your energy to her. Stay focused on today with your H. Not worrying about tomorrow's possibilities that you have zero control over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 It's behind you, when its behind you. It's not behind you yet, or your question wouldn't be on the board. I'm on your side, red. Don't give your energy to her. Stay focused on today with your H. Not worrying about tomorrow's possibilities that you have zero control over. I think the real question you are asking is - can I feel safe yet in this marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I think the real question you are asking is - can I feel safe yet in this marriage? Yes. He has been the model of reconciliation and he does everything to make me feel safe I just wonder if she's gone for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Yes. He has been the model of reconciliation and he does everything to make me feel safe I just wonder if she's gone for good. See, I think if you truly felt safe, you wouldn't wonder if she was really gone or not. I'm sure H has done everything right to help you feel safe, but she's still in the back of your mind...picking away at your thoughts. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 See, I think if you truly felt safe, you wouldn't wonder if she was really gone or not. I'm sure H has done everything right to help you feel safe, but she's still in the back of your mind...picking away at your thoughts. Why? Because I let her. Really that is the only reason I can think of. I never questioned him in almost 20 years together so I guess its insecurity now. Insecurity doesn't fit me well, confidence has always been something I was praised for so it feels very strange to worry like this, very unnatural. Logically if he wanted to be with her he had the chance, we split up and he could have gone with her. I didn't tell him to write his NC letter he did that himself and if he wanted to hide her attempts at contact he could have they went to his work email, but he didn't he showed me every time. So it's me that's the common thread. Thanks for asking because writing it out makes me have to question myself. This has been completely over for almost 18 months and he says he has no interest in her and he only liked the ego feeding and only thinks about her when I bring her up and yet I keep a piece alive. Crazy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Well it's been over a year now since the MOW my H had an A with has attempted contact. The A has been over since November 2013, but she attempted contact until April 2014 on and off. I guess after going through this I kept wondering if she was going to reach out again and if this would set us back, but I think after a full year of nothing she has moved on. She is blocked on all avenues but she managed to get through the last time with an email address that wasn't blocked. I do believe it's been over all this time as even if I chose not to believe my H, her communication was very telling. She said things like "I know you don't want anything to do with me" or "since you don't want me". What do those of you who have experienced infidelity think, is a year enough time to stop thinking she will come back? ANSWER her....Say this is RED123. My H has given me full access to his emails and has shown me your attempt to contact him through an unblocked email. No, he does not want you and he wants NOTHING to do with you. PLEASE stop contacting US. You are embarrassing yOURSELF at this point. WE have moved on. Please do so now. That should do it. Trust me on this. Get his permission to do so....then DO it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Because I let her. Really that is the only reason I can think of. I never questioned him in almost 20 years together so I guess its insecurity now. Insecurity doesn't fit me well, confidence has always been something I was praised for so it feels very strange to worry like this, very unnatural. Logically if he wanted to be with her he had the chance, we split up and he could have gone with her. I didn't tell him to write his NC letter he did that himself and if he wanted to hide her attempts at contact he could have they went to his work email, but he didn't he showed me every time. So it's me that's the common thread. Thanks for asking because writing it out makes me have to question myself. This has been completely over for almost 18 months and he says he has no interest in her and he only liked the ego feeding and only thinks about her when I bring her up and yet I keep a piece alive. Crazy! Our lives sound very similar (minus the lesbians). Seriously, 20 years of marriage. 18 months since affair ended. We separated. I could have chosen XAP, didn't. Like you, my wife was always strong and confident. My affair eroded all of that from her. She's finally getting back to herself. We are finally moving forward and doing some deep, soulful healing. Do your work, red. Find you again...all of you and you'll find MOW means nothing today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Our lives sound very similar (minus the lesbians). Seriously, 20 years of marriage. 18 months since affair ended. We separated. I could have chosen XAP, didn't. Like you, my wife was always strong and confident. My affair eroded all of that from her. She's finally getting back to herself. We are finally moving forward and doing some deep, soulful healing. Do your work, red. Find you again...all of you and you'll find MOW means nothing today. Thank you, it's interesting you say how similar our stories are because I have been drawn to your posts for a while now. I find them honest and thoughtful and I did at times feel that I can really relate when you discuss your W and how she feels. Thanks for the kind words and the questions. It helps. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 What do you mean by that? My H does care for me, if that's what you meant, the MOW, she doesn't care for me.Your defensiveness is telling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Your defensiveness is telling. Did you read the next part? I guess I can see how that may have looked defensive, but if you read further you would see that it's not. If you want you can say what my defensiveness told you. Once the poster reframed the question my reaction was different. It's hard to not be defensive when someone says the person I have been with for half of my life doesn't care about me, which wasn't what the poster was trying to say. Edited May 6, 2015 by Red123 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 Thank you, it's interesting you say how similar our stories are because I have been drawn to your posts for a while now. I find them honest and thoughtful and I did at times feel that I can really relate when you discuss your W and how she feels. Thanks for the kind words and the questions. It helps. In your posts, I see my wife. I have been drawn to your posts, too. Sometimes, things need to fall apart to be put back together again - and put together the right way and stronger. That's were my wife and I are finding ourselves. We have seen where each of us has failed in our marriage and we are both working very hard to communicate more honestly and openly and to make every day count. It's a journey, Red. One thing this has taught me and my wife is we live for today only. What happened yesterday is old news. It no longer serves us to stay there in any way. I love my wife deeply. I'm sure your husband feels the same about you. Walk the journey today one step at a time together. I hope the new house has brought you closer together. Be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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