lisbon67 Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 (edited) Many people on here on LS often talking about 'triggers'...those that have decided to R especially...even solely Jeeez....I am divorced and she is gone...and i am getting upset with 'triggers' and she's not even here! WTF Last few night watching TV...if a seduction scene come on in a movie or a programme...I feel butterflies sick in stomach and turn over channel... If I see any sex scene..i feel sick and turn over channel... And (ashamedly) if I see a black man on the tv (which is every day every channel here)...I try to change channel or turn off....and im not racist in the slightest They are fecking everywhere...even after Divorce....the triggers I mean How will I feel when I find a new girlfriend eventually...Im worried I wont be able to get turned on when we are making out for the first time..cause that will also be a trigger...reminder of dirty cheap sleasy sex in the A the first time... I hope I dont have libido problems when Im ready to date again because of this.... Infidelity is the worst thing in the World...bar NONE Edited May 3, 2015 by lisbon67 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Getting divorced only gets rid of the marriage. It does nothing to get rid of the memories or deal with the emotions. Those things is why the triggers remain. Time is the only remedy. The triggers pass sooner and become farther apart. Takes at least a year. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 It will lessen with time, one day you will realize that you didn't think about her that day, that's when it really starts to get easier. I couldn't stand to watch any movie with infidelity in it, still can't, that's just about every movie unfortunately. Get rid of things that belonged to the two of you, specially photographs, the sofa you snuggled together on, the bed you shared. As you replace things you'll find that she will start to fade as well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I cant wait until I can watch things and not get irked also. I am no where near healing and he keeps coming over to get his stuff twice a week. He is running out of tings here and he is my biggest trigger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 I can give you my perspective on triggers from the D and R standpoint since I have been cheated on in both respective M. Triggers were worst after I D. Only because I didn't have any real closure with my XH. He was a compulsive liar and I was traumatized as to how he could do this while I was pregnant with our second and how we had a one year old. I have to say I had many years of therapy to get over my anger and it did affect my future relationships. I never would have thought that I would end up in the same situation in my second M. My H knew what I had been through and it was 10 years after we were together that it happened. After my H showed real remorse and wanted us to R I gave him the chance. It of course was not without some kind of triggers. When they happened and he saw me flip he'd understand. It was something that the M counselor warned him would happen. Over time as he has convinced and proven to me that he wants this M I haven't reacted to as many triggers. My heart doesn't hurt as it did before so he did his part in helping me with this. So when it comes to D its important that you do the work to heal yourself and realize that it wasn't your fault. you have to try and overcome those feelings of anger and replace them with other emotions that are beneficial to you. I know my XH didn't spend any time crying, worrying or going to any counseling to get past what he did to us and our family. 18 years later... I really don't spend any time thinking about him...because I honestly don't care. Not being a part of my life was the best thing that ever happened. Of course it did not feel that way at that time because we were married and just starting our family. And for all intensive purposes we are to believe that this is the normal cycle of life and what could possibly go wrong? Well...everything. So when it happened again. I was deeply hurt. But if it meant being alone again I had the tools to deal with it. Thankfully it all worked out. It's been 2 and half years since D-day. I know it still hurts, but go to IC and keep reminding yourself that this is for the best. The best is yet to come. Good Luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 3, 2015 Author Share Posted May 3, 2015 aliveagain.. youre right just about every movie has someone playing around behind someones back and getting their guilty dirty pleasure from it... never used to bother me before these scenes in movies Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Once you find a new girlfriend and start having sex yourself, you will get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Once you find a new girlfriend and start having sex yourself, you will get better. It does get better... That said, I don't know that triggers ever go completely away. Its been several years, an engagement, and too many girlfriends---I still trigger and suspect I always will... Just another cost of infidelity.... Few but the mentally ill escape unscathed whether they be the betrayed or betrayer. Best wishes in your recovery. PS: I hope you'll work on that color issue. Wouldn't have mattered and its only triggering you. She was gonna do what she was gonna do. When my ex started her $**T, color meant just another guy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I was not married but I was engaged when it happened to me, going on 18 years now. Over time, the triggers faded but in all honesty, some of them are still there. Mostly it reveals itself as a sort of PTSD, and a need to have enough information from the other person about what they are doing in order for me to judge for myself whether or not the person is trustworthy. It varies from partner to partner though. If something does not add up, a flush of fear, anxiety, and panic will come over me and I feel trapped. Unfortunately, I don't think it'll ever go completely away. It sucks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 As another poster noted, with time many of the triggers will start to fade. For me the first step was moving, I had to wait a couple of months until the lease was up on our apartment. New walls helped immensely. And once moved I began to make new friends. Then with my new friends help, I forced myself to reclaim places, restaurants, parks, etc, that used to trigger me, by going there with my new friends and making new memories. But as I have noted in the "dreams" thread, every few years, even though it has been 35 years, and I have for 20 years been in a super loving relationship with a woman far better then my Ex, the wrong song, the wrong place, at the wrong moment, what ever, and I will once again trigger back to the bad days. And once again experience the loss of 30 plus years ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Hi Lis, Sorry you're going through this now! I'm like jne1921. Last 2 Ms I've had WHs. Almost same, as exWH and I had a young baby. Present WH 3 babies /15y together. It's been 21y since leaving WH No. 1. TBH I may be incorrect but from memory I only triggered once badly. I'm certain there were lesser triggers but at the time I couldn't label them, so I figured I was just sad seeing a pregnant lady or family together. Happy for them but sad for me / us. I think things passed faster (possibly) because I moved house asap. And I mean packing and looking for a rental property I could afford closer to my family the very next day. I kicked WH out on D Day. I was an hour away from WH within 2 weeks. It's been far far harder this time with triggers. Too many to list. The first thing I did was remove the lounge WH had videod himself on for his OW. I bought a new one and made sure that it would fit in the house I'd be renting after D. The things I could avoid, I did. Others I took head on (like the sexual acts they did together) and found I was reduced to tears alot at the beginning. 5 months later, they still triggered me but not nearly as badly. After D Day I changed whatever I could. From the perfume I wore, to underwear, clothing etc. I also started doing things that had been "unacceptable" previously to WH. Not out of spite. Just because we weren't M anymore and I was practising the 180. I started putting me first. Multitudes of visits to the beautician and hair dressers. Lunches out with the kids & my girlfriends. Yeah I'm REAL rebellious. WH thought so! If that wall is still going to remind you of exWW even after its painted a completely different colour, then consider moving house. I'm talking about the house in one. I don't trigger at all from exWH A that I know of. But this M is a different story. I'm just doing the best I can right now but since separating on the weekend, I've noticed other triggers resurfacing and new ones altogether. I've let WH know that the children and I will move after D, and it could be to Ks farm in the next 2y. Once all children are in HS. Ofcourse none of that may happen. It's just too soon after D Day and separation to tell. I guess the only advice I could offer is similar to the Serenity Prayer. Change the things you can. Try to deal with the things you can't change. Hopefully your IC has tips for you. Lion Heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Triggers are a b*itch. Unfortunately there isn't a pill you can take to be rid of them forever. Yes, "time heals all wounds" is a saying for a reason BUT if you want to get over this sooner than later you're going to have to deal with these issues head on rather than continue to sweep them under the rug. What do you I mean by that? I mean, you need to be proactive in combating the triggers or the demons that still plague your life as a result of your past experience. Not dealing with those emotions isn't going to do you any favors in your life and especially in another relationship. When one of those scenes show up on television, rather than flip the channel and ignore the uncomfortableness, allow yourself to feel it. Get angry, cry, punch a pillow, whatever. Let it take over you for that moment and be done with it...for now. The second part to this is training yourself to recognize the triggers. What makes them a trigger for you? Understanding these "triggers" better and how they affect you is a huge step to ensuring you don't compare every woman you meet from here on out to your ex. That isn't fair to you nor to the women you will eventually date. It isn't easy and it takes time but it DOES work. I've done it. I would also strongly recommend you don't actually date anyone until you've had some time alone to process things and learn to properly deal with this. Good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I do know from experience though that if you are triggering all day, have obtrusive thoughts, your mind races 24/7 about it, or the thoughts are keeping you from getting sleep, you need to see a doctor to help you through this time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Everyone here tells me I'm not really far along in the reconciliation process but triggers are almost a thing of the past for me. I think it's because I've been working with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) from the start with my IC. She recommended the techniques in this book (or any book on CPT or MCBT): "FAST & EASY Emotional TRAUMA & PTSD Treatment" "Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think " CBT really does make a difference and I attribute it to my quick recovery but you have to really want to get better. There are many titles on CBT on amazon. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 To answer your question as stated in the title, I would say YES. There is an end. You've gotta grieve. You've gotta get used to living life, not like there is something missing, but living altogether differently. You can't walk away from a broken heart. Movies and stuff will trigger you. Hell, if you've had any sort of trauma or drama in your life a movie or music or scene on t.v. can trigger it. Didn't Billy Joel make a song about "Sad Songs"? The question is how do you trigger. If you re-live the pain and anguish, well, you are going to need counseling on how to get closure on that or maybe you suffer from some form of PTSD. I once read that loss of a spouse, loss of home, loss of job and a host of other things were the most traumatic things that people could go through. There may be more to the list or worded differently, but you get the point...you got hit with a real pain and trauma inducing event. I'm going to say something that can easily be MISunderstood, so bear with me as I write this. Deal with it. I don't mean suck it up or put it behind you already, I mean face it head on... the pain caused by the triggers. Roll in it, bask in it, Don't run from it or bury it. Deal with it head on. Just like you would have to deal with a bully who won't leave you alone. Sure, they might kick your butt for a good long while, but you are learning. You learn their moves, you learn how you move and then one day, BOOM. You are kicking some bully butt. You are still in a fight, but this time, you are winning. Get some counseling and set goals for your own healing. Goals can be re-adjusted, but having them is important. You have walked away from a vicious emotional assault. Pain will be acute, flashbacks will be frequent. Eventually, you know that you are going to get better, so don't forget that. Also, change your thinking, if needed. Your life was not thrown off or messed up. You got a second chance to get it right. A do over. That last pitch that you hit and thought was going to be a home run (baseball analogy), well, it was long enough, but it was a foul. Next time, you will hit a home run. Triggers come with the territory, but so does victory. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Thanks for support as always guys... yep...I'm pretty sure it's PTSD.. cause I've been obsessional and sensing triggers pretty much 24/7 as a poster friend said here....yesterday I couldn't get my head from going spin cycle. ..so I did what I know I shouldn't have done and I went to pub for some drinks. ..it was empty and I sat alone but it got me through that period...then home and straight into bed to try to sleep VBM...I've ordered that book this morning from amazon Michele. .thanks for that. .very good thought provoking advice... LH...Brill as always...will digest more and get back Big man. ...your post is inspiring and will help me I'm sure...I know exactly what you mean about facing it head on..which I've been trying to block and escape from so far. Ur analogies are spot..I used to make excuses not to go to school because of a bully. .bit never told parents the real reason. The day I finally faced upto him and asked him to go for a fight. ..he backed down...not me...and I had no.problem with the pretend hard man again...cheers for that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) Hi Lis, As OP have pointed out, and I'll elaborate in all too many words as usual, it's YOU who has to stop the cycle. I'm not ascribing there's any "magic cure" to the depth and frequency of your triggers BUT there will be an end or at best a much reduced affect they can have on you. ONLY if you do the work. Absolutely read the books suggested but EMPLOY any strategies suggested. This is what I mean by "hurry up". You can accelerate the healing process but it's you who has to do the work. Because I'm your friend lol, I'm gonna put it point blank. The first step(s) involve breaking the cycle. Pick the ONE thing that's the most destructive and break the habit it's become since D Day. If it's waking up in that bedroom, change it around. If it's lying on the couch, walk or get a funny video. I played several over and over again when I felt like lying down and drowning in misery. If it's alcohol, break the habit. Even for a day or few hours or few minutes. It's tough, L*** I know but it's up to you. Please don't think I'm diminishing the importance of moving through the grief. This is very important. Crying it out is releasing hormones for your healing. I cry at the strangest things but I let myself. Then I swap my thoughts. I think of a quote that pops into my head and dwell on it. Sometimes I've cried for hours but it's so much less now. That's good. I see progress. It's very very slow but beating myself up about that too would NOT help me. Nor you. Allow it. It's major grief we're talking about. This is what I mean by "take your time". TBH I lost 2 wonderful friends through death in the 12 months prior to my D Day. They were school friends, exactly my age. I'd known them for over 40y. At times, I've "asked" them what THEY think I should do now. Ofcourse the response is "get your board out" or "go to the beach and watch the ocean" or "feel alive". Yes I will. Any and all strategies that create a more positive outcome are worth trying. You'd be surprised at the results they have. PLASTER YOUR WALLS with the positive suggestions of OP and yourself. Every single positive thing that you do now will contribute to your healing and create your new self. The opposite is also true I'm afraid. Make the decision to do "the thing" then do it. I agree with goals. I agree with time frames for your goals. You're gonna have some down times. Make the decision to squash some times in there to soothe your wounded soul. Many blessings. Lion Heart. Edited May 5, 2015 by Lion Heart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 Thanks Lionheart I'm taking on board everything you're saying here...especially the bit about doing positive things more...because that will shape how I get over this pain and also shape the new me. I agree that the reverse is also true...and not helping me. Last night having a drink. ..got me through intense pain in my head and stomach last night...but today I've got bit of a hangover and still the original mental pain on top..it's not worth it... I hope you are coping with your troubles just now...they sound really terrible. ..but you do have a strong positive strategy and that is helping you cope. ..and nothing wrong with a good cry...in Scotland we call it 'a good greet"....now and again... talk soon. ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Not trying to lecture but drinking alcohol (or doing other substances) is a really bad attempt at coping. Try running, bicycling, working out at the gym, yoga, anything physical, even walking if you have to, which will release endorphins which will IMMEDIATELY make you feel better. Substance use will only distort your thinking, make you more depressed, and cause more suffering. You need to take care of yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I agree...but for a while I was genuinely unwell...it was or is PTSD....its difficult to get out and go to gym when this state...but I need too I know 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Believe me, I understand very well; I've been there. Start small. Make a list of the things you MUST do every day to care for yourself and then do them. For instance, "walk to the end of the street and back." Designate a time when you will do that and make it a rule that you must do it without fail. With each tiny little success, you will begin to move out of the trauma. This is a benefit of writing a list each day and checking off when you complete those things. Once you have mastered each goal, increase it somehow. Maybe you change it to "run to the end of the street and back" or "walk three blocks and back," whatever is accomplishable for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 6, 2015 Author Share Posted May 6, 2015 Thanks GSS... Good advice absolutely. ..I ve had good days when I'm buzzing about and can do lots...yesterday I coukd barely move off the couch the whole day...and night... I do need to plan out and ensure I do even small goals each day...I will try this and plan it properly and aim to stick to it... its similar to points Lionheart was making to me...inspiring ones....about even doing ONE thing different and positive each day...for myself. . All small things added together are greater than the accumulative total.... I think there's some proper quote about this....but can't remember it exactly. .. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sticky Fingers Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Any attempts to find out what is causing you to become a "lighting rod" for broken women? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Don't get you... ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Bigman I think I've read your response now at least 4 times. .it's helping me so much u won't believe. .. did u have the same experience. . ?? And ur right it is a trauma. . Its just how one deals with it.... Link to post Share on other sites
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