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Would you classify this as infidelity?


Grapesofwrath

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Grapesofwrath

A friend is in a situation right now, so I ask this question on her behalf. (Yes, it's really a friend. I've got enough of my own infidelity drama, trust.)

 

She is separated from her WH, and she is free to date as she pleases. She recently began seeing a Dad from the school where all our children attend. He is still living with his WW, who cheated with a neighbor. She planned to leave him for the AP, until the AP changed his mind. Now they are all still living in the family home because their finances will not allow for her to leave. She is a SAHM, and we live in a very expensive city. They are barely able to afford one household, let alone two. I know that sounds shady, but I can believe it. I don't know them well enough to know what's really going on there.

 

In any case, he has started seeing my friend. While his WW may have some general idea, he seems uncomfortable with being 100% transparent with her about what he's doing. He worries that WW will "go balistic" if she finds out, so they have to sort of sneak around. My friend asked me yesterday if they could use my house for an afternoon tryst because it in a convenient part of town for them. Huh?

 

According to my friend, he says the marriage is "dead" and they live like roommates, etc. You know....all the usual things they say. I know this man (all the kids are at the same school) and he seems like a nice guy, but I know enough by now to know that means nothing.

 

My friend's marriage ended because her husband cheated. She would never want to be an OW. Do you think she is being turned into one?

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autumnnight

She's married, he's married. It's infidelity. I'll be interested to read the consensus though.

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BetrayedH

She IS an OW if she's having a relationship with a married man. The fact that he still lives with his BW and the BW doesn't know about his extramarital activities just solidifies it all.

 

I'm not even the sort that says people need to have dry signatures on their divorce papers before dating. Some people (wisely) say you should wait a year after that before you start dating. But at minimum, I think people should be legally or at least physically separated.

 

This guy is just secretly cheating and trying to justify it.

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Yes... Since it's somewhat of a secret - he has placed her in a positionif being the OW - especially since he's not divorcing his wife.

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Michelle ma Belle

Yeah this is all kinds of shades of crazy.

 

As much as I can appreciate the financial constraints when it comes to separating/divorcing, this just feels like they're not dealing with the issues head on and avoiding the inevitable.

 

I'm with BetrayedH in that I'm not one who believes couples need to be officially divorced before dating again but at the very least, there needs to be a legal or physical separation in place if only out of respect for the people they're dating.

 

Do you know if this couple still sleeps in the same bed?

 

Regardless, does this constitute infidelity? Not sure but I think it's deeply unhealthy if nothing else.

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Grapesofwrath

My gut is that he is having a revenge affair. I think having his wife cheat on him for over 2 years with a neighbor--an A that included camping trips with both families and lots of neighborly stuff like that--was devastating to his self-esteem. Understandably so. He also lost his job in there somewhere, which made the financial problems worse.

 

So the bottom line, for me, is that she betrayed him and destroyed their marriage by saying she was leaving him. then she stayed. So they are still together, but not really in R. So he is having a revenge A to make himself feel better, without actually getting the D.

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Chi townD

YES!! Plus, you wrote that she's separated, not divorced. Therefore, she's still technically married too!

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BetrayedH
My gut is that he is having a revenge affair. I think having his wife cheat on him for over 2 years with a neighbor--an A that included camping trips with both families and lots of neighborly stuff like that--was devastating to his self-esteem. Understandably so. He also lost his job in there somewhere, which made the financial problems worse.

 

So the bottom line, for me, is that she betrayed him and destroyed their marriage by saying she was leaving him. then she stayed. So they are still together, but not really in R. So he is having a revenge A to make himself feel better, without actually getting the D.

 

That's what it sounded like to me. And I can relate because I went there, too. All it did was make me a wayward.

 

I might say differently if they had decided to divorce, put dating on the table, and still decided to cohabitate for logistical reasons but that doesn't sound like the case here. If they want to do this right at all, the MM should announce to his wife that the marriage is over and that he's dating. Then she is free to make her own informed decisions about how to move forward with life. If he's lying to her, he's just another wayward. And your friend is both enabling that to continue and participating in a betrayal, all while she is still married herself.

 

People on both sides of this need to clean this mess up.

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She is an OW. He's just enjoying his revenge affair, but ultimately he won't leave the marriage so she's just the 5th wheel.

Way to go though, if that thing goes viral and everyone knows the children will be screwed. I do hope you have a different school in the area they could go to instead once that fallout happens.

 

Not having much pity for the BS in that situation though. She's just regretting cheating with a guy who wouldn't get her out like she had hoped.

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Too complicated.

 

Messed up boundaries.

 

Too many secrets.

 

Time for therapy.

 

Any other questions?

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Mrs. John Adams

Anyone who is married and has a non platonic relationship with another person other than their spouse..unless all parties agree to be in an open marriage and all lines are discussed...in my opinion is committing adultery.

 

So this scenario you have painted in my opinion is infidelity.

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My friend asked me yesterday if they could use my house for an afternoon tryst because it in a convenient part of town for them. Huh?

 

 

No.

 

Don't.

 

If you do, when it all turns sour, you will be elected as the villain of the piece.

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Grapesofwrath
YES!! Plus, you wrote that she's separated, not divorced. Therefore, she's still technically married too!

 

I think that if one is legally separated, living in a separate residence, with divorce proceeding apace, then one is free to date and enter other relationships without it being infidelity. In the state where I live, it can take YEARS after signing papers for a divorce to become final. I don't see this scenario as adultery. Whether one is ready, emotionally, for a relationship is another question, definitely.

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sandylee1

While his wife doesn't know. .its cheating. In your friend's position, I'd want the guy to tell his wife he is seeing someone. Really what right has she to go ballistic, when she was ready to leave him for another man anyway. The fact that she would go ballistic, makes me think that she doesn't view the marriage as 'over'.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Grapesofwrath

My friend asked me yesterday if they could use my house for an afternoon tryst because it in a convenient part of town for them. Huh?

 

Seriously? That's just disgusting!

 

 

Yes, it's an affair! And it's gross that the douchebag won't even spend money to make her feel a little bit special... Is he not capable of paying for a room?

 

Sounds like pay by the hour is all that's needed.

 

Your friend is allowing him to use her.

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seriously? That's just disgusting!

 

 

Yes, it's an affair! And it's gross that the douchebag won't even spend money to make her feel a little bit special... Is he not capable of paying for a room?

 

Sounds like pay by the hour is all that's needed.

 

Your friend is allowing him to use her.

 

^^^ this ^^^

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The real issue here that you should be concerned about -

 

Do you know a woman in your life that has very standards of behavior and ethics and morality? Someone who is very clean, straight and proper? Who doesn't drink, smoke, cuss, do drugs, cheat on her spouse, lie, deceive, manipulate or conspire to hurt other people through deceptive or malicious actions?

 

Do you know a person like that? Your grandmother maybe?

 

Now with that person in mind, would you ever ask her to use her marital bed to screw around on your husband with a married man?????

 

Who's bed would you ask to use to screw around on your spouse with a married man? A skanky ho that you know condones adultry and has poor ethical boundaries and has no qualms with shady, destructive and morally reprehensible behavior of others taking place in her home where her children eat and sleep?

 

The real issue here is not their behavior or whether it is OK for them to be skanky and sleazy. The issue here is they feel YOU are skanky and sleezy enough to support and provide for their bad behavior.

 

I would never ask my grandmother use her bed to conduct my affair. I would ask the person I know with the least morals, the least standards of conduct and the most sleazy and degenerate morals to use their house as my safe house for an affair.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. Are these the kind of birds you want to be flocking with and do you want them thinking that you will make a good coconspirator in their affair?

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Grapesofwrath
Seriously? That's just disgusting!

 

 

Yes, it's an affair! And it's gross that the douchebag won't even spend money to make her feel a little bit special... Is he not capable of paying for a room?

 

Sounds like pay by the hour is all that's needed.

 

Your friend is allowing him to use her.

 

The part that confused me about wanting to use my place is that she has a place of her own now. so why not go there?

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The part that confused me about wanting to use my place is that she has a place of her own now. so why not go there?

 

Maybe because it's possible her soon to be exH might drop by? Or kids are home?

 

She's got some low standards for herself. The guy is still very much married - she's his secret.

 

And her expectations from him are as low as possible... Not even expecting some sort of decency.

 

Have you asked her why she expects so little?

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While his wife doesn't know. .its cheating. In your friend's position, I'd want the guy to tell his wife he is seeing someone. Really what right has she to go ballistic, when she was ready to leave him for another man anyway. The fact that she would go ballistic, makes me think that she doesn't view the marriage as 'over'.

 

This, exactly this.

 

On the last line I'd like to write that she would go ballistic because as a wayward, she feels entitlement. And if the guy who she thought was a "save bet" would suddenly screw around elsewhere that entitlement would be crushed and she'd go ballistic (cheaters are the most jealous people you'll ever meet). I'd say that the guy should tell her nonetheless and agree on an open marriage together, after all she already tried to make a run for it and would have done it if her OM had been in the boat too. But for this, that guy would need a little bit of guts, some backbone and balls, and obviously he doesn't have any of that.

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Grapesofwrath
The real issue here that you should be concerned about -

 

Do you know a woman in your life that has very standards of behavior and ethics and morality? Someone who is very clean, straight and proper? Who doesn't drink, smoke, cuss, do drugs, cheat on her spouse, lie, deceive, manipulate or conspire to hurt other people through deceptive or malicious actions?

 

Do you know a person like that? Your grandmother maybe?

 

Now with that person in mind, would you ever ask her to use her marital bed to screw around on your husband with a married man?????

 

Who's bed would you ask to use to screw around on your spouse with a married man? A skanky ho that you know condones adultry and has poor ethical boundaries and has no qualms with shady, destructive and morally reprehensible behavior of others taking place in her home where her children eat and sleep?

 

The real issue here is not their behavior or whether it is OK for them to be skanky and sleazy. The issue here is they feel YOU are skanky and sleezy enough to support and provide for their bad behavior.

 

I would never ask my grandmother use her bed to conduct my affair. I would ask the person I know with the least morals, the least standards of conduct and the most sleazy and degenerate morals to use their house as my safe house for an affair.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. Are these the kind of birds you want to be flocking with and do you want them thinking that you will make a good coconspirator in their affair?

 

Uh...no. That is not the real issue here. The real issue here is that my friend, who I have known for many years and who, along with her children, lived with me for months after she left her husband because he cheated on her, is beginning a relationship that may hurt her. She has asked me for my advice. I asked the question to get a sense of other perspectives on this, so I can best advise her objectively.

 

Your post is so riddled with assumptions, it's unbelievable (marital bed? WTH? And you don't know the size of my house. Perhaps I have multiple bedrooms and she asked to use the guest room). The mean-spirited nature of your post shows me that you are definitely not the sort of a person that a friend would go to for support or advice.

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My friend's marriage ended because her husband cheated. She would never want to be an OW. Do you think she is being turned into one?

 

Yes. He ain't gonna leave his W. :(

 

And tell her that you'd rather not be involved in any way because it's a mess and you have your own mess to deal with.

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Uh...no. That is not the real issue here. The real issue here is that my friend, who I have known for many years and who, along with her children, lived with me for months after she left her husband because he cheated on her, is beginning a relationship that may hurt her. She has asked me for my advice. I asked the question to get a sense of other perspectives on this, so I can best advise her objectively.

 

Your post is so riddled with assumptions, it's unbelievable (marital bed? WTH? And you don't know the size of my house. Perhaps I have multiple bedrooms and she asked to use the guest room). The mean-spirited nature of your post shows me that you are definitely not the sort of a person that a friend would go to for support or advice.

 

In sense you are correct. Noone ever has come to me for assistance in having an affair. ....that was kind of my point. People don't ask for help in doing something bad, from good people.

 

 

Your friend wasn't really asking you for advice here was she? She was asking you to be a coconspirator in her affair with a married man. That means she feels comfortable in asking you for help in doing something bad. That means she feels you will be understanding and willing to help her and support her in doing something slimy.

 

 

That's not a good reflection of you or of the relationship you have with her. Asking you to be player in her affair is actually an insult and offense to you.

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whichwayisup
A friend is in a situation right now, so I ask this question on her behalf. (Yes, it's really a friend. I've got enough of my own infidelity drama, trust.)

 

She is separated from her WH, and she is free to date as she pleases. She recently began seeing a Dad from the school where all our children attend. He is still living with his WW, who cheated with a neighbor. She planned to leave him for the AP, until the AP changed his mind. Now they are all still living in the family home because their finances will not allow for her to leave. She is a SAHM, and we live in a very expensive city. They are barely able to afford one household, let alone two. I know that sounds shady, but I can believe it. I don't know them well enough to know what's really going on there.

 

In any case, he has started seeing my friend. While his WW may have some general idea, he seems uncomfortable with being 100% transparent with her about what he's doing. He worries that WW will "go balistic" if she finds out, so they have to sort of sneak around. My friend asked me yesterday if they could use my house for an afternoon tryst because it in a convenient part of town for them. Huh?

 

According to my friend, he says the marriage is "dead" and they live like roommates, etc. You know....all the usual things they say. I know this man (all the kids are at the same school) and he seems like a nice guy, but I know enough by now to know that means nothing.

 

My friend's marriage ended because her husband cheated. She would never want to be an OW. Do you think she is being turned into one?

 

She is the OW. As long as he is living with his wife, living life with her, being a family unit together, it's an affair. Also, how does she know that his wife actually did cheat? It's all stuff he's told her, who knows if that is true.

 

Tell her to end it and find a single guy without all the complications and baggage. If she doesn't, you'll be consoling her soon enough when the drama and roller coaster ride happens to her and she'll be in be tears.

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whichwayisup
The part that confused me about wanting to use my place is that she has a place of her own now. so why not go there?

 

That's pretty ballsy of her to ask you to use your house. Obviously you told her no and not to ask you again.

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