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For the BS's, are you surprised at the way you handled your DDay? any WS's surprised by the reaction of their spouse? I was talking to a friend about this and explaining how I reacted because she was looking for normalcy in reactions( I doubt there is any). Talking about it made me think of how I surprised myself. Everyone thinks they know what they will do, I didn't do any of things I thought I would. Looking back I am happy I didn't stalk the MOW or confront her, or expose them at work. All things I considered but am glad I didn't do.

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We all say we would do it a certain way when we are faced with it. Very few people actually handle it like that when it happens to them. I swore I would just kick her to the curb if it happened to me. Then we had kids and the issue became extremely complex. While I regret not kicking her out sooner I think its how you finish in the end is what you should be proud of. Its a long walk to recovery regardless if you stay or leave. I am thankful I no longer have to worry about being betrayed like that now and I sleep a lot better at night.

 

 

Clay

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Confused48

I remember having suspicions of the A long before I had proof. I recall looking for firm evidence, thinking that if I found it, I would be gone. Instantly. No looking back. No regrets. No sympathy for the fall out for WS. I was very sure about all this.

 

I recall then finding firm evidence, suddenly, unexpectedly, late one night. I confronted WS. I saw the fear in WS. I felt strong compassion for WS. I found that I still loved WS.

 

I was also in shock. I had gotten used to feeling that my suspicions were just that. Irrational jealous suspicions. I had a hard time adjusting to the fact that there was more to it than suspicions.

 

I suddenly had a change of heart and decided that I could, after all, give my WS a second chance. I found that I very much wanted to do that. To my very great surprise.

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minimariah
For the BS's, are you surprised at the way you handled your DDay? any WS's surprised by the reaction of their spouse? I was talking to a friend about this and explaining how I reacted because she was looking for normalcy in reactions( I doubt there is any). Talking about it made me think of how I surprised myself. Everyone thinks they know what they will do, I didn't do any of things I thought I would. Looking back I am happy I didn't stalk the MOW or confront her, or expose them at work. All things I considered but am glad I didn't do.

 

i am. i thought i would have a nervous breakdown. i thought i'd tell everyone everything... in the end, i had 15 minutes of lashing out and handled the rest with calmness and dignity.

 

until this day... i don't know how i stayed calm when i remember some of the things i found out, when i found out just how deep the disrespect and betrayal went. i stayed calm & composed even when i was scared to death of losing a kid, friends, family and myself. i remember feeling like an outsider in my own life.

 

for the life of me, i don't know how i didn't go crazy. but i didn't. i took the high road and i'm glad that i did. kindness + silence, good communication, politeness, no attacking... all smiles, cilivised conversations... it was a HUGE win for me. it sometimes made the other side crazy and i remember my xH's AP saying to a mutual friend of mine how she wanted to knock me off of my pedestal. i got out of that entire situation feeling incredbily good about myself and the way i handled it ended up boosting my self-esteem, making me feel invincible.

 

nothing like surviving and getting out of it stronger.

Edited by minimariah
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VeryBrokenMan

I never really thought about affairs or how I would react prior because I never thought it would happen to me. Even her EA 15 years ago did not prepare me because I never knew the extent of it.

 

I assume DDay is the day you discover the affair. That day I thought I was having a heart attack but I realize it was just an anxiety attack and fight or flight kicked in my adrenaline. I did not confront her for a couple of weeks after that. The first confrontation when I did not let her know I knew about the affair was anything but calm and reasonable.

 

I had a little over a month to get ready after that first confrontation for giving her the ultimatum and to let her know I knew everything. I vowed to remain calm and detached and for the most part I succeeded. I was prepared for her to walk out the door that day. What surprised me the most was her desire to stay married when I gave her the ultimatum and that she was willing to break it off with the OM that day. I assumed that an affair meant the marriage was over but I was a total rookie having had no experience with friends or family.

Edited by VeryBrokenMan
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It's interesting to see I'm not the only one who didn't react how I thought I would. I think we all say how we would do things until we are faced with them. When we are assuming we never have to actually take into account all the factors in our lives that will affected by our choices.

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flowergirl14

I was a complete wreck! Crying, sobbing! Gave up my cards that day. He deleted everything and contacted his ex affair partner so they could get their stories straight. Oh holy f**ck. Should have left his a** then.

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I was a complete wreck! Crying, sobbing! Gave up my cards that day. He deleted everything and contacted his ex affair partner so they could get their stories straight. Oh holy f**ck. Should have left his a** then.

 

Did you eventually leave? I wouldn't be hard on yourself for your reaction we really don't know what do when we are hit with this. I just did a lot of talking prior to it about what I would do, so naive, and did nothing like I said I would.

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Confused48
It's interesting to see I'm not the only one who didn't react how I thought I would. I think we all say how we would do things until we are faced with them. When we are assuming we never have to actually take into account all the factors in our lives that will affected by our choices.

 

OP it wasn't my life circumstances that affected my reaction on Dday. It happened too fast to thnk of things like that. It was instant. I saw WS in great pain and fear, remorse and regret. I was surprised to feel compassion for WS. I was surprised to feel love for WS and a longing to not have this be the end for us. It all happened in an instant. A shocking reversal of what I thought would be the case.

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flowergirl14
Did you eventually leave? I wouldn't be hard on yourself for your reaction we really don't know what do when we are hit with this. I just did a lot of talking prior to it about what I would do, so naive, and did nothing like I said I would.

 

I did not leave ...yet..the farther I am removed from the event the more I see it. Its like looking at a movie ( my marriage) through a crystal ball. Its become so much more clear how much of a sham my dday was/is. I am still in the marriage but I definately wouldnt call it Reconciliation. If a wayward spills their guts, becomes transparent, takes responsibility then there might be a chance of R. The reality is that they lie, deny and minimize. (Not all do) Is it not enough that they blew apart the marriage? No then they add Insult to injury. I think all bs would rather be told the truth on dday. Yes, i screwed so and so. Its been going on for x amount of time. Its both physical and emotional. If the basics came out there is going to be a lot more trust down the road. Heck, right then you could have a baseline for decision making. Its such an emotional time for bs its hard to know what to do or say.

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drifter777

My d-day was a nightmare - an ambush. My wife was vacationing with her parents while I stayed home with my son. She flew home alone and I picked her up at the airport. While driving home she seemed really cold so I asked her what was up. She calmly told me she met someone and wanted a divorce to be with him. She told me he would be here in a couple days so I had to pack and leave. So I did. I told her to have my son ready every Friday by 5:00 so he could spend the weekend with me. I stayed with my brother and never gave him the details. For the next 3 or 4 weeks I only spoke to her to tell her I was coming over to get my son. No other communication. I decided that I would recover faster this way. I called on all of my strength and swore I would hate her forever and never have any unnecessary contact with her. I was shattered but I was determined to move forward and used my hatred to fuel my resolve. It worked well for those 4 weeks. If she had not broke down and begged for another chance when she did I would have moved on without looking back. I thought of her as a stranger that I had to tolerate in order to see my son. She was becoming dead to me - another couple weeks and I would not be posting here.

 

I could have never imagined this scenario so I couldn't have planned my reaction. In hindsight, I think my reaction reflected exactly who I was then and, in large part, who I am now.

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Did you reconcile then...after 4 weeks of intensely hating her....how did you manage to do that 360.....as you know...I am recently divorced. ..and when I think of her in my minds eye I unconsciously and sometimes even coming out verbally. .when I'm alone. ..."fu****g bast***d" ..how coukd she do that to me...its like I associate her very name and image with these two horrible descriptive words...I'm saying then rote fashion when I think of her and what she did. ...

Then I spoke to her on the phone....and I immediately really missed her....and wanted her to be here with me right now...

weird...

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How could you have been so indifferent to her for 4 weeks...hated her deeply....then took her back and loved her again after only 4 weeks and the A still elephant in the room....was the 4 weeks a very calculated and difficult act for her from you...how can you say you would've walked and never looked back.....when you went back..after only 4 weeks drifter

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How could you have been so indifferent to her for 4 weeks...hated her deeply....then took her back and loved her again after only 4 weeks and the A still elephant in the room....was the 4 weeks a very calculated and difficult act for her from you...how can you say you would've walked and never looked back.....when you went back..after only 4 weeks drifter

 

 

 

 

You fail to see the BS did not have the affair. So the BS was not looking to divorce their WS.

 

 

Yes the BS world is turned upside down on D day. Though once his ship has righted the BS develops the ability to realize that maybe not getting a divorce would be in his best interests.

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eleanorrigby

Yep, very surprised. I had been suspicious for a while, but had found no proof. I was hanging out with a friend and her boyfriend and talking to them about my suspicions.

 

I was flexing lots of muscle, going on about how if I found anything I was out the door, divorcing him, I'd kick his a$$, etc.

 

My friends boyfriend laughed at me and said "no you won't, you'll stay right there with him".

 

Shortly afterwards I did find proof and just fell into a complete crying mess, I didn't react in the strong way that I thought I would have and I'm still ashamed of myself for that years and years later. Ashamed and angry because I think my lack of a strong furious reaction just made things worse.

 

btw, my friends boyfriend at the time was physically abusing her.. I've often wondered if he saw in me the same things he saw in his girlfriend. Someone willing to take abuse. (though mine has never been physical)

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drifter777
How could you have been so indifferent to her for 4 weeks...hated her deeply....then took her back and loved her again after only 4 weeks and the A still elephant in the room....was the 4 weeks a very calculated and difficult act for her from you...how can you say you would've walked and never looked back.....when you went back..after only 4 weeks drifter

I can't fall out of love and hate someone deeply in 4 weeks. What I did was decide the best way to get past her cheating and extinguish the love I felt for her was No Contact. To maintain NC you have to harden your heart and use all your resolve to keep from giving in to your urge to see and talk to her. Every time I thought of her with OM I wanted to scream and vomit. I used this to keep my resolve strong. I was dedicated and focused on hating her and it was just a matter of time until I was "cured" of her. I didn't know how long it would take and, unfortunately, it was going to take longer than a month.

 

Did you reconcile then...after 4 weeks of intensely hating her....how did you manage to do that 360.....as you know...I am recently divorced. ..and when I think of her in my minds eye I unconsciously and sometimes even coming out verbally. .when I'm alone. ..."fu****g bast***d" ..how coukd she do that to me...its like I associate her very name and image with these two horrible descriptive words...I'm saying then rote fashion when I think of her and what she did. ...

Then I spoke to her on the phone....and I immediately really missed her....and wanted her to be here with me right now...

weird...

The 360 is actually a 180 from where I was. I managed to do it because I was in the most vulnerable state imaginable - I was a BH and suffering to find a way to make the pain stop. Lots of us will grab onto anything that seems promising while in this stunned, shattered state of mind.

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ladydesigner

Never would have thought I would have reacted the way I did. I absolutely lost my mind! I attempted suicide and raged like an animal. Not proud of it, it was who I was at the time. No coping skills at all whatsoever! It has been 3 years from my first Dday and I am much better now. My coping skills are so much healthier through lots of therapy and medication.

 

Hats off to those of you who kept their wit! I sure didn't :laugh:

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duckrabbit

I was surprised by my reaction only insofar as I was able to stay relatively calm and stick to the script I rehearsed. Finding loveshack was definitely a help in knowing what I was in for and what sorts of things to look for in the conversation.

 

 

DDay for me also coincided with the day my WW's A turned physical. I knew that was happening so I confronted her when she got home that night after getting all the kids to bed. This all happened three weeks before Christmas and I am kind of dreading that time again this year.

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drifter777
Never would have thought I would have reacted the way I did. I absolutely lost my mind! I attempted suicide and raged like an animal. Not proud of it, it was who I was at the time. No coping skills at all whatsoever! It has been 3 years from my first Dday and I am much better now. My coping skills are so much healthier through lots of therapy and medication.

 

Hats off to those of you who kept their wit! I sure didn't :laugh:

Not proud of what? That you reacted to a bomb going off in your face like you did? Your d-day response was typical of many BS's.

 

And coping skills? Nothing could have prepared you for d-day. Period.

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Thanks for the replies. I don't think there is a right way to react to this.

Most of us do our best with what we have to get through it. I think sometimes we feel bad about our own reactions because of the pressure of what others think we should do or should have done. I think no one should feel bad about their reaction to infidelity, everyone's situation is different.

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Hi drifter

I get all your points completely. ...I feel and felt the same...

Did you reconcile after those 4 weeks nc then?

I'm still not clear about that...? Are you still with your WW now ? You said you 'grabbed onto it" when you were in such a bad state...did u mean that you reconciled with WW after she was begging you to come back

sorry for questions

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drifter777
Hi drifter

I get all your points completely. ...I feel and felt the same...

Did you reconcile after those 4 weeks nc then?

I'm still not clear about that...? Are you still with your WW now ? You said you 'grabbed onto it" when you were in such a bad state...did u mean that you reconciled with WW after she was begging you to come back

sorry for questions

I would never say we "reconciled". When she wanted me to come home - that she had learned her mistake and knows now how much she loves me - I decided to come back and try to get my old life back. I shouldered the trauma alone and just tried to compartmentalize it and throw it into the hidden recesses of my mind. It kind of worked for a year or so before it started to leak out. I was able to hold it all together - for the most part - for the next 20 years, although I became more obsessed with understanding what the hell happened and why it happened and why the hell I didn't just divorce her. So I am here on LS now.

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It must have been hell to keep that bottled up inside for 20 years....awful

I was just a bit confused because it sounded to me like you had reconciled with your WW. ...but you were on here giving me and others sound advice...about how the cheaters minds work and somewhat anti R....

I am divorced now...but still wonder if I could have shouldered it too and forgiven and forgot...because I'm pretty misetable and lonely now...

I know ur here on LS drifter...but are you still with your cheater wife now....

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gettingstronger

I am surprised that I was as calm as I was for at least the first day and how much it hurt. I never felt anything like that in my life, its surreal! Have to admit that sometimes I wish I had kept it to myself and called him on his trip to say, hey I am in the lobby to surprise you- can I come up- I am glad I didn't because THAT would have been a scene!

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RoseVille

Never been married, but have been cheated on twice in two different LTRs, 10 years apart.

 

Prior to the first time, I thought if my man ever strayed, I'd calmly peace out, hold my head high, kill him with silence. But when it happened, I was a literal maniac. I suppose it didn't help that I literally caught him with his pants down, mid-thrust. Despite the mania, I wanted to stay with him. I was devastated.

 

So the second time (fiancé), I assumed if it ever happened again, I'd be a maniac. Instead, when I inadvertently discovered it via absolute found proof, I calmly closed the laptop, set it aside, stared at it sitting there next to me, and stood up and said to myself, "Well, that's that." He'd started the breakup discussion with me the day before, wherein I had begged for him to work on things with me. So he was quite surprised when I pulled a 180 and silently left without any issue, just, "Okay." I didn't tell him why for several months after I moved out.

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