The anger phase

[GoldenHour]

I'm curious, for those BS, did you hit that anger phase? If so, when, and how did you handle it? We are several months out from Dday, and all has been going somewhat smoothly until this week. BH didn't agree with a decision I made, and went off the deep end without any warning. Since, he has been very verbally abusive, aggressive, and even making comments that sound a little suicidal. I told his after DDay, I'd be there with him through thick and thin, to get past this. I knew it would include distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but I'm not so sur win willing to subject myself or my kids to this type of lashing out. Advice? Counseling is a no. He refuses.

 

Should I just set back and take it because I deserve it? Part of me thinks yes, but another part knows we can't live like this. Is it just a short phase as part of the process.

[BetrayedH]

From my experience, it is ridiculously hard to control. Trust me, there was no one that wanted me to be over it more than me. Unfortunately, thinking about the affair is usually completely involuntary and it can be relentless for upwards of a year. I woke up thinking about the affair, thought about it all day, and went to bed thinking about it. When I'd wake up, it would take me a minute to realize that yes, this is my life; it wasn't a bad dream. And the cycle would begin again. It is very, very draining. And it leads to a very short fuse.

 

More than six months after Dday, my wife and I went to a Christmas party. We'd gone to another one recently and had done quite well, even with some alcohol consumption. Doing it again seemed like we were pushing our luck but one the way home, I was glad we'd successfully done another social event without drama. But then we passed a hotel and she asked how my father had liked staying there on a recent visit. That was a big mistake (she and her AP had used a dozen hotels, including that one) as hotels were a big trigger for me. I instantly recoiled and she instantly apologized. Still, I was tortured by it for the ride home and couldn't get to sleep when we got home (again). After sitting up for two hours, a rage went thru me. It wasn't anger with her, just that after so many months a perfectly good evening could be completely ruined by one inadvertent comment. I was exhausted from it all. I happened to be walking thru the kitchen (pacing, probably), and I tossed a whole rack full of dishes on the drying rack across the room. Ugh. My poor wife just came out and cleaned it all up.

 

I tell you that story just to illustrate how involuntary much of it is. It comes from a place of exhaustion with it all. By then I had lost 38 pounds from lack of appetite and the lack of sleep was debilitating. There were certainly times that I was mad AT my wife (she said and did some stupid stuff during our reconciliation) but in many cases, I was just angry that I couldn't get it to go away.

 

So, what do you do? Well, I do think that you have to accept some large degree of responsibility for this and you should expect anger, distrust, hurt, and the whole roller coaster of emotions. I'd honestly say that you should withstand as much as you can. However, there is a line where abuse comes into play. And while you may need to endure a few tirades of anger on his part, you do have to draw the line somewhere. Of course, physical abuse should never be tolerated. But even beyond that, you should make some agreements about emotional abuse. Name-calling is one that I chose to tackle. It's one thing to say that during an affair discussion that you're an adulteress; it's quite another to scream in your face that you're a two-timing slut. Since you have kids, agree on restrictions anytime they are around. Some people have also had success at structuring affair conversations. We used a journal; I'd write questions in it and keave it on her nightstand; she'd return in with answers in a day or two. It was a safe way to communicate and for us to be more thoughtful in our dialogue.

 

In other cases, people have agreed to having affair discussions every other evening (say Mon/Wed/Fri) and take the weekend off (unless a discussion was really needed). It may also be good to limit conversations to a pre-agreed time, like an hour or so. And to do something you both like afterwards to celebrate a successful discussion (an old poster here used to share an ice cream with his wife in front of the TV).

 

Anyway, those are just some thoughts. Yes, you should expect this anger phase, accept that you created it, be very tolerant, and buckle in for the long haul. But there need to be limits if he wants to reconcile with you and have you as his wife. Come to some agreement about what those are.

[Clay]

He will need time. He has to work through this. You can keep encouraging him to get help but yes you have to just live with some of this. If you really want the relationship to work just own your mistake when he brings these things up and be honest and sincere when you do it. Tell him and show him you are really remorseful. This will help him greatly through these times.

 

I think the question I have for you is what are you doing to prevent this from happening again and helping yourself be a better person and partner?

 

Counceling ?

 

Clay

[minimariah]

I'm curious, for those BS, did you hit that anger phase? If so, when, and how did you handle it? We are several months out from Dday, and all has been going somewhat smoothly until this week. BH didn't agree with a decision I made, and went off the deep end without any warning. Since, he has been very verbally abusive, aggressive, and even making comments that sound a little suicidal. I told his after DDay, I'd be there with him through thick and thin, to get past this. I knew it would include distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but I'm not so sur win willing to subject myself or my kids to this type of lashing out. Advice? Counseling is a no. He refuses.

 

Should I just set back and take it because I deserve it? Part of me thinks yes, but another part knows we can't live like this. Is it just a short phase as part of the process.

 

me & my xH didn't really try to reconcile but... the anger phase didn't hit me until months later. at first, it was profound devastation & sadness. and then... i felt sick of feeling that way and i suddenly became angry. AT EVERYONE. i couldn't control it at one point... i did control it in front of the child, but i'm sure she at least sensed the negativity. for me... that kind of "lashing out" anger phase was short, yes. the anger stayed but it become kind of "quiet resentment" kind of anger" and it eventually turned into ignoring my xH... then i went back to depression, acceptance and eventually, indifference.

 

no, you shouldn't "take it" - that's not the point of reconciliation. yes, he has the right to be angry but that angry needs to worked on... you shouldn't just sit around and let him take it out on you and the children and wait for the storm to pass. insist on counseling. when he starts lashing out, remove the children if they're near and then wait when he calms down... sit down, talk to him, comfort him, express your remorse... let him get the feelings out.

 

it is a phase, it will pass. just be patient.

[sammy7111]

How do you think he should feel. You created this pain for him so when time gets hard you want to run. I think you need to ask him not to vent in front of the kids but when your alone just keep your mouth shut and let him vent.

[jbrent890]

First if you don't mind me asking, what caused the disagreement? As everyone else said this is just a phase but you will see some degree of this anger again. Emotions during R are fluid. They come and they go. You have another year of this so be prepared to see this again. Is he in IC?

[drifter777]

I am also a betrayed husband.

 

A few months out really means it just happened. He's probably just coming out of the shock and confusion your betrayal caused him. The first reaction of men when they discover their wife is cheating is to try and reconcile - especially if there are children involved. This initial decision is often based on simply being so completely destroyed and lost that he will grab on to anything that he thinks might get his life back to "normal". He's in complete denial about just how much his wife's betrayal has harmed the relationship. He finds out that time is not healing him - in fact his anger, pain, shame, etc. seem to be growing. So the fact that he is blowing up about it now is totally understandable to me. His denial is slowly fading and he's now acknowledging the strong emotions he is feeling.

 

It seems like your attitude right now is "jeez - it's been months, can't he just get over it". Never, ever, ever say anything like this to him.

 

How long will the anger last? Years. He may not always tell you about it but he when he has a mental image of you and OM in bed together he will go through lots of these same emotions again. Like I said, he might not tell you when it happens but it will haunt him forever - especially if you remain married.

 

From this point on it's very likely that your BH is going to become even more depressed and express more anger every day. He hasn't processed it yet and neither of you have any idea how to even begin to reconcile. Marriage counseling is probably the only way you are going to be able to save your marriage.

[Seachan]

My BS father raged and triggered for years. He finally settled down when he reached the "plain of lethal flatness" wrt my WS mother. Total indifference.

 

They stayed together for decades afterwards - "til death do us part", however it wasn't much of a marriage. Separate bedrooms, separate pursuits.

 

This was before Internet marriage forums. My mom spent years justifying her affair(s)? to me until she died. I was too naive to understand my father's anger and disengaged from him until he died. Since then, I've spent hours and hours reading up on infidelity to create a new, hopefully more on target, narrative for myself about my family.

[SoulCat]

My anger phase was mercifully short. The worst was the few days after d-day.

I threw a vase with flowers in his general direction (it hit the wall) and ripped up our wedding album.

 

I am naturally not an angry person and it helped that I moved out and went total NC about a week after d-day when it was clear to me he wasn't going to give her up.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I'm curious, for those BS, did you hit that anger phase? If so, when, and how did you handle it? We are several months out from Dday, and all has been going somewhat smoothly until this week. BH didn't agree with a decision I made, and went off the deep end without any warning. Since, he has been very verbally abusive, aggressive, and even making comments that sound a little suicidal. I told his after DDay, I'd be there with him through thick and thin, to get past this. I knew it would include distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but I'm not so sur win willing to subject myself or my kids to this type of lashing out. Advice? Counseling is a no. He refuses.

 

Should I just set back and take it because I deserve it? Part of me thinks yes, but another part knows we can't live like this. Is it just a short phase as part of the process.

 

Letting the anger out is part of the process, or at least it was for me. I let rip a few times and while I don't regret it I feel really bad about it. I never felt hate or never really wanted to hurt her back. But my IC said the anger has to go somewhere and I could not let it build up, it can be directed inward via sadness and depression or you can just let it all out and say everything you want to say. It did help me to let it all out, the days after I had the worst emotional outbreaks were some really good days that allowed us to move on. There was one conversation that I recall being triggered by something she said that really set me off. I walked to the back patio and picked up a piece of firewood and went to town on the rest of the stack. When I was done the anger was gone and I was able to calmly return to the house where she immediately offered an apology for what she said.

 

My IC said early on that I should let rip anytime I felt the anger building up and not to be concerned about what she thought or did as a result of those outbursts. If she wanted to be in my life that she would make every effort to do so regardless of what was said. To her credit she was not defensive or avoidant of those conversaions and pretty much took it. There were about 3 or 4 times where I thought we were done but we both felt better the next day and we moved on. During the first few months after dday it was a day to day process. Was this day good enough for me to stay?

 

The one thing I would say in your situation is the kids should never see that anger or any of the conversions regarding the affair. If he is lashing out at you in front of them that is wrong in my opinion.

[MuddyFootprints]

As a reconciling couple we had to learn how to establish and enforce our boundaries, both individually and as a couple.

 

At my insistence, one of the boundaries set was that there is to be no screaming or name-calling.

 

There is no safety there for either of us and I refuse to tolerate or engage in verbal assaults.

[road]

The old anger phase.

 

 

Not every BH has an anger phase.

 

 

Usually the BH's mind takes 6 months from D day to process his WW's affair. During those 6 months the questions get asked and answered, NC is verified and the BH feels safe that the affair is dead and his WW is not leaving him.

 

 

Now the BH feels he's got a handle on things and is feeling secure in his marriage. Problem is now 6 months from D day this secure feeling allows his mind to realize the need to express his anger. His WW is not divorcing him. So he no longer needs to walk on egg shells. So he gets angry with his WW. He blows up. Usually a lot.

 

 

The anger phase usually lasts 6 months.

 

 

Now the BH has just spent 1 year in recovery. Ending his 1st year raging. Thus recovery needs at least 2 years to happen and can take up to 5 years.

[oldshirt]

Some questions and comments in bold below.

 

 

 

 

BH didn't agree with a decision I made,

 

 

What decision?? What was his disagreement?

 

 

It matters. Context is everything here. Did he not agree with the brand of shampoo you brought home from the store or did he disagree that you should suck some other guy's di<k at the neighbors party this weekend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and went off the deep end without any warning. Since, he has been very verbally abusive,

 

 

 

 

what did he say? What were his exact words? How are you defining "verbally abusive"? did he just raise his voice and say things you didn't like to hear? Or was he calling you names, making threats, being intentionally hurtful etc etc?

 

 

again, context is everything. Did he express his anger and disgust at you getting it on with another man or was he calling you a skanky, smelly C--t and saying you never should have been born and that you should douse yourself with gasoline and strike a match?

 

 

 

 

aggressive

 

 

Define 'aggressive'. give examples.

 

 

Was he defining and enforcing his own boundaries and not allowing you to BS him or was he verbally attacking you and calling you names and making threats that he is capable of actually carrying out?

 

 

 

 

, and even making comments that sound a little suicidal.

 

 

a little suicidal is like being a little pregnant. Did he or did he not make statements indicating self harm or harm to others?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I told his after DDay, I'd be there with him through thick and thin, to get past this. I knew it would include distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but I'm not so sur win willing to subject myself or my kids to this type of lashing out.

 

 

as WS you do have to expect distrust, hurt, anger and even accept risk that either of you may opt out of the marriage at some point.

However that does not give him license to abusive, cruel, mistreat you, provide a toxic environment for the kids etc.

You may not have the right to expect him to be giving you footrubs and flowers and chocolates and candlelight bubble baths every day but you do have the right to expect to be treated with common human decency.

And any suicidal/self harm threats or threats of harm to others must be taken seriously and delt with appropriately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Counseling is a no. He refuses.

 

 

Why???? If he is refusing professional assistance and counseling then he is not putting full faith effort into reconciliation.

Even as a WS you have the right to require professional counseling as a condition of you staying in the marriage and attempting reconciliation.

The chances of a marriage successfully surviving an affair without professional assistance and greatly less than if there is MC. You may have been the WS but that doesn't mean that you are required to waste your time attempting reconciliation with someone who is not sincere in putting in the appropriate effort.

 

Should I just set back and take it because I deserve it?

 

 

NO. you may have been in the wrong when you cheated but that doesn't mean that a lousy marriage and a toxic environment with an abusive and manipulative spouse has to be your sentence.

 

 

Abuse, Abandonment, addiction etc are still deal breakers and still unacceptable behaviors even if you have cheated.

 

 

Part of me thinks yes, but another part knows we can't live like this. Is it just a short phase as part of the process.

 

 

distrust, hurt, insecurity, hypervigilence, some loss of affection etc are part of the process. Abuse, mistreatment, threats, suicidal gestures etc are never acceptable or appropriate.

 

 

 

 

[BetrayedH]

The old anger phase.

 

Not every BH has an anger phase.

 

Usually the BH's mind takes 6 months from D day to process his WW's affair. During those 6 months the questions get asked and answered, NC is verified and the BH feels safe that the affair is dead and his WW is not leaving him.

 

Now the BH feels he's got a handle on things and is feeling secure in his marriage. Problem is now 6 months from D day this secure feeling allows his mind to realize the need to express his anger. His WW is not divorcing him. So he no longer needs to walk on egg shells. So he gets angry with his WW. He blows up. Usually a lot.

 

The anger phase usually lasts 6 months.

 

Now the BH has just spent 1 year in recovery. Ending his 1st year raging. Thus recovery needs at least 2 years to happen and can take up to 5 years.

 

I'd say this is a decent summary. I wasn't angry as much in the beginning. I was hurt, in damage control mode, and frankly, confused as hell. I needed a playbook. But as I began to feel "safe" that my WW wasn't going to up and leave, I think I felt more safe in expressing my anger. It's almost like I was too busy for it before. But once I caught my breath it was like, "Hey, you know what, I really don't appreciate all this."

 

And I'd say it accelerated around that 6 month mark. As I said before, I think I was also just fed up with it all by then. I had no patience for anything that seemed like bullcrap, from anyone.

[HurtOfGlass]

You said you will be with him through thick and thin. And now one bump on the road (probably a very long bumpy road to come) and your resolve withers?

 

This probably shows why you had the affair to start with. And probably engage in an affair again because you are not taking the necessary actions to correct your wrongs. Because if anything goes wrong in future, again you are going to blame your poor husband.

[HurtOfGlass]

Its true most men try to forgive withouth knowing the full extent of the betrayal. This is why I think men should take time (probably 3 months) and gather as much information about deatails of the affair before deciding whether to keep the marriage (relationship) or not.

 

Because whatever they might think, that they can forgive the affair (and probably accept some fault), eventually they start asking themselves questions and feeling ashamed at their weakness. Hence the anger comes out.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm curious, for those BS, did you hit that anger phase? If so, when, and how did you handle it? We are several months out from Dday, and all has been going somewhat smoothly until this week. BH didn't agree with a decision I made, and went off the deep end without any warning. Since, he has been very verbally abusive, aggressive, and even making comments that sound a little suicidal. I told his after DDay, I'd be there with him through thick and thin, to get past this. I knew it would include distrust, hurt, anger, etc. but I'm not so sur win willing to subject myself or my kids to this type of lashing out. Advice? Counseling is a no. He refuses.

 

Should I just set back and take it because I deserve it? Part of me thinks yes, but another part knows we can't live like this. Is it just a short phase as part of the process.

 

Once the shock wore off and I was able to grasp the level of betrayal and the full scale of what she had done, then I entered into the Anger stage. That was a few months after D-day. I stayed in the Anger stage for a long time. It seemed that there was a rage just below the surfaced waiting to erupt through any fissure.

 

I yelled. I threw things. I did a lot of exercising. I punched a punching bag. I got into fight with a drunk guy for cursing in front of my young kids. I went to IC and MC.

 

Once I got past the Anger/Rage phase I was still blow up every few weeks. I would be okay for awhile and then I had to "emotionally throw up" on my wife. As time went on I would emotionally throw up every few months. I haven't had any outbursts in years.

 

For me it was an integral part of reconciliation. I had to express my anger.

 

It my opinion the the WS can never fully comprehend the damage that an A causes to the BS. It was little jumping hurdles: I would make over one hurdle only to face another one. I would be angry over the sex, then be angry over the lying, then something else. I would realize yet another aspect of the A that would trigger me into another fit of anger. It was a long and dark process to get through.

[Lion Heart]

I am a BW around 5 months since my D Day.

 

I told WH to leave on 4 days ago because I couldn't stand the "reconciliation process", I was still angry. Angry about SO much including WH inability to grasp the GIFT of reconciliation that I gave him. It's a gift to him (and you) and reconciliation should NEVER be expected or taken for granted. As I said to my WH "What did you expect? That I'd be HAPPY that you had an affair?". I don't want to beat you up too (verbally) but seriously?

What DID you expect? Entitled to have an affair? Yes! Because you did. Reconciliation is worse for the betrayed spouse so hold on or let go. I agree with others, you need help understanding this and I'm glad you came here.

 

I upped and left my previous WH immediately and after the initial anger on D Day and until I'd packed and moved, I was angry. More sad but yes angry!

 

This time it's been horrible with the TT, blame shifting, gas lighting. Once I called him out on this, HE would get angry with me and YES constantly told me to "get over it!". So I am. His butt has been kicked to the curb and he's got 10x the work to do now if he wants ANY chance of reconciliation. Apparently he's doing everything NOW that a WS should've done immediately.

He's had "What a WS needs to do" for 4 months. Look it up.

 

I loved this man so much. His place as my H and father and grandfather was so important to ME. Obviously not as important to him because he risked it all for an A. He knew the deal, if he was ever unfaithful, he was out. So he's out. Took me a while to catch up but I'm ahead of him now.

 

I'm well and truly prepared to do whatever it takes to raise my remaining 3 children by myself and determined NOT to put up with his abuse. An A is abuse. It's an abuse of our M, me, the children, the home and family I worked my butt off to keep. He's shown he's not entitled to live in this family anymore. We don't deserve this abuse. No one does. And no one should expect reconciliation afterwards. Nor expect that it's gonna be a "rosy" honeymoon experience for them. It certainly is NOT for the BS. It's ridiculous to think he wouldn't be angry.

 

And I'm glad I've expressed my anger because I'd rather that than swallow it up and become depressed. Depression would suit my WH better. It would affect him less but too bad.

 

Now I get to plan our lives without him. I'm in a much calmer place. It's sad sure but I'm better. Alot better!

 

Separation for me means selling the house, moving us. Parenting 3 children about to be teens and do it all by myself.

This is what my WH cheap thrills cost our family because he didn't understand the gift of reconciliation I unwillingly gave him. Unwilling because I knew it would be very difficult for me to ever trust him at all again.

 

Take stock. Recommit if you want but realize your BH may be in his way out.

 

Lion Heart.

[davidromero43]

It takes a few years

[Hardgrind]

Golden,

 

 

I am a BH who is 15 months out from D Day. We are in the process of divorcing. I still get triggered for anger, though I tend to try to not let my STBXW see it, because the message I want her to receive is "I am over you, you screwed me over, but I am not letting you screw up my life any further from this point on."

 

 

As a WS, you should not have to take ongoing abusive language and actions. That is not helpful to either of you. The problem is drawing the line between expected anger and unacceptable behavior.

 

 

As a BH the things that still trigger anger in me include:

- the Gas Lighting she engaged in during the A and how screwed up I was both before and after D Day as a result.

- the lies (both direct and of omission) she told me

- the fact that as part of the divorce settlement that I am funding a very comfortable retirement for the two of them, and she continues to push for even more money

- her minimizing the pain I was experiencing while telling me her A was good for our marriage

 

 

One thing I resigned myself to after D Day was that nothing she could do was actually going to make amends for the pain she inflicted by the A. We had to chose whether to move forward together or apart. Her unwillingness to shift her focus from her AP back to me even after 6 months made the decision to move forward apart relatively easy. I have also resigned myself to the fact that the divorce settlement will not punish or penalize her in any way. I don't deserve what has happened, but as Clint Eastwood said in the Unforgiven, "Deserves got nothing to do with it."

[Friskyone4u]

You should ask him to not lash out if possible in front of the kids. but you betrayed him in the worst possible way. Did you think he would just say "OK, we'll be fine.

 

if you have bothered to read anything, and Im not sure it sounds like it, you need to understand this is a long process and bumpy road you are going to be in for some time and you better either divorce or put your football helmet on.

 

The first thing you really need to accept is all this anger is vaused by the actions of guess who. THATS RIGHT, YOU OWN IT!!!

 

sO IF YOU WANT TO SHORTEN THE ANGER STAGE YOU MIGHT MAKE SURE YOU ARE REASSURING HIM EVERY CHANCE YOU GET OF THE FOLLOWING IN ANY WAY YOU CAN

 

NO CONTACT WITH OM

TOTAL TRANSPARENCY- you right to privacy went out the window when you opened your legs

COMMITMENT - to your BH and your marriage.

 

And even if you do all that, this ain't going away any time soon. So, yup, you sit there and take it as long as it does not get physical. That is unacceptable.

 

And by the way, the quicker he got from denial to anger, the better it actually is.

[MuddyFootprints]

We did enough spewing on each other pre-affair. It was crucial to our reconciliation that we stop that behaviour.