Is cheating always a poor life choice?

[elaine567]

If a person is doing so because of problems within the marriage, then they are using a very poor coping mechanism to deal with it, if they are cheating because of some unresolved issue within themselves, then again, they are making some poor choices.

 

I never really thought about this, until I read what was written above today.

 

Is cheating always a poor choice for the cheater?

Is it for some, a good choice?

Is cheating "the break" for some that they needed in their lives?

Are there marriages out there that would never have survived had one partner not cheated?

 

We in society also go on apace about how bad cheating is, how it is morally wrong, how it impacts people's lives, how it ruins lives too.

And there is no doubt it does.

It causes upset, hassle and stress and the ripples run wide. It is certainly no fun for most people who surround and interact with a cheater.

 

But is cheating always, in reality, a poor choice for the one doing the cheating?

Are some WSs actually living off the high that cheating brought them for years afterwards?

Did they actually need that in their life to give their life a boost; to inject some drama, something to remember, something to learn from maybe?

Has cheating made them better people, not to their close circle perhaps, but generally?

If they had to look back on a life well lived, did cheating make their life better, more interesting, more exciting?

 

I do not have any answers, just asking some questions.

[central]

Despite all the social, psychological, and relationship issues surrounding cheating, the baseline biological motivation underlying it all is the drive for reproductive success.

 

Looked at from that perspective - and the fact that the vast majority of cheating is never discovered - then women may cheat to gain better genetic material while retaining a good provider/nurturer for this or previous children.

 

Men may gain from fathering children without having to spend the resources to raise them. Presently, roughly 3% of children were fathered by someone other than the presumed father. That may have been higher in the past when there was no way to test paternity.

 

In modern times, the downside to cheating is less. In the past, discovery could often lead to death of the adult and the children, or at least poverty. Now, with the legal and social support networks that exist, those kinds of risks are far, far less.

[minimariah]

I never really thought about this, until I read what was written above today.

 

i would say that it's the most painful choice for all parties involved... including the cheater. this is actually a really good thread and you're asking some really good Qs... in my opinion - it's always a poor choice, indeed. why? because i think living with the constant guilt, shame & paranoia of your little secret someday being discovered is absolutely draining. if cheater ADMITS? well... that's another story.

 

Are there marriages out there that would never have survived had one partner not cheated?

 

not sure about this but i will tell you one thing - some marriages really did improve after infidelity. i have one couple, they are close friends of mine. he was in love with her but she... for some reason, just couldn't connect with him. she didn't feel the spark and i think she probably didn't WANT to feel it either. so after some time... of course, he built up walls and put up a guard around her and they both kind of... never really got to know each other, never really honestly communicated. so she had an A and fell in love for the first time. he found out... and she chose her family over her lover. that A, ironically... allowed them to learn how to communicate without secrets, reservations. and it allowed her to fall in love with her husband... for the very first time. it's like the A needed to happen in order to bring the spouses together.

 

but it's a stretch. i didn't stay in a marriage after an A happened and i wouldn't. i personally don't believe things can be fixed after an A but that's me being a pessimistic a**hole, really.

 

But is cheating always, in reality, a poor choice for the one doing the cheating?

Are some WSs actually living off the high that cheating brought them for years afterwards?

 

i think you gotta be a special kind of character to learn how to shut out the guilt in order to just take the "good" out of it. so for those folks, cheating is really not a poor choice... cheating also keeps a lot of BAD marriages alive. you'll have cheaters being calmed and happy because they're feeding off of their lover's love and affection and it helps them to live through the marriage, day-to-day life.

 

If they had to look back on a life well lived, did cheating make their life better, more interesting, more exciting?

 

for some? for sure. i mean... i'm sure a lot of folks will tell you that cheating was a poor choice for them because... it's cheating. it's a bunch of unnecessary drama but they will also tell you that they don't regret falling for and experiencing love and emotions and something special they maybe had with their lover. so... cheating can never be the right way you're dealing with things but sometimes folks (especially those who benefit from it) will tell you that it was worth it... at least for them.

 

in my personal opinion... As are simply too devastating to be worth it to anyone BUT the cheater. so while it might be the right choice for the cheater - it will be a bad one for everyone else.

 

that being said... cheating did make a lot of people better in terms that they learned something from it. they learned how to handle problems the right way... in my opinion, i often felt safer dating a previous cheater than i did dating someone with the "OH. IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN TO ME" mentality. cheaters were aware of the possibility of an A happening easily so they had very firm boundaries in relationship with other folks. they were aware of the damage an A can cause, so they were able to avoid it the second time around (i'm clearly not talking about serial cheaters who don't know why they do it and learn nothing from it).

 

the thing is... i think cheating can make you a better person if you truly feel remorse. true remorse. not the "well, i'm sorry i handled it that way BUT..." type of remorse. true, no excuses and explanations remorse where you're sorry for hurting the other person. not the "i'm sorry for betraying my morals and myself" remorse either. that's something 1% of cheaters will experience - a true remorse. and experiencing selfless remorse and accepting your feelings - even when you don't regret loving your AP and having an A - leads you to learn something from it and grow as a person. just pure acceptance and true compassion for those you've left behind.

[gettingstronger]

Always a bad choice because whatever you accomplish after the fact could have been accomplished without the cheating/lying/betraying-

 

We are in reconciliation and its going well- we are communicating better, spending lots of quality time together, etc...- thing is, if we could do this with infidelity hanging over our heads, we could have done it even better without that-

 

My husband said in therapy a while back- what sucks is not matter what I do, no matter how much I improve myself by facing down my demons, I will always be less than who I could have been- I am someone capable of hurting the one I love, I am someone capable of extreme selfishness- and the fact that I was once capable of that because I was too weak or selfish to handle it a different way means I missed the opportunity to fulfill my true potential as a person, a husband and a father- (paraphrased)-

 

Yes, he is a great, strong person because he is facing all of this, but in his heart of hearts he knows there was a better way and he did not choose that-

[understand50]

Everything has a silver lining to some extent, but it is always what was salvaged after the pain and hardship you have to go trough. If your marrage is bad and you are not communicating, there has to better ways to start the process. Affairs always leave damage. The fact you and your spouse maybe are able to move on from it and have a "better" marriage, does not out weight, the lasting pain that is given to the BS, and then, I hope, to yourself.

 

As for cheating that your spouse does not know about, you got away with it, there is always the chance it will come out later, and you will have to deal with it.

Edited May 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[fellini]

I have no issues imagining situations where cheating, from the perspective of the cheater, is a positive decision. In fact there exists, within the taxonomy of types of infidelity, several positive (for the cheater) motivations.

 

In the same way someone with marital issues goes to IC and together the solution offered is entirely based on the needs of the client and may in fact be detrimental to the spouse, there are affair types which have to weigh the reaction of the spouse should he/she find out against the immediate needs of the WS.

 

The thing is, we would need to hear direct clear stories from such people and frankly I don't blame them for not posting knowing that there are simply too many intolerant BSs who talk as though the "infidelity forum" is actually BS forum.

[autumnnight]

Yes, cheating is always a poor choice. But people who choose to be objective can also understand that while cheating is a terrible choice that is the responsibility of the heater, it does NOT define their past and future. Unless someone chooses to see it that way. Period.

[Popsicle]

Its always always better not to cheat but it does give some people the strength to leave a bad marriage. The ones that do leave a bad M without regret are better off afterwards than if they stayed, imo. Still would have been best if they left without the cheating but some people lack confidence and strength and can't do it alone. Like those who are abused.

[No Limit]

If you're the type that doesn't care about him-/herself, or if others get hurt, it doesn't really matter. Everything else really depends on the situation, for example some woman who was stuck with her physically abusive husband should definitely take any chance (...except murder of the husband) to get out of that situation. Same goes for men who did the mistake of marrying psycho-women who almost drive them to suicide. Mind you, in both examples it would have been better if the people had the strength to leave themselves, but it's still better than going in in that fashion.

[VeryBrokenMan]

Even if it's a bad marriage it cannot ever be a good choice to hurt someone that you were once in love with. It's certainly not a mature calculated decision or choice. How could it possibly be considered a "good choice" in any situation?

[elaine567]

Even if it's a bad marriage it cannot ever be a good choice to hurt someone that you were once in love with. It's certainly not a mature calculated decision or choice. How could it possibly be considered a "good choice" in any situation?

 

Yes but not all choices we as individuals make in life are good for other people, are they?

We break up with people who are in love us, we disappoint our parents sometimes when we move away, we may upset work colleagues/bosses when we change jobs... etc.

Are they also poor choices or are they just individual choices we make for ourselves and by choosing them, we necessarily sometimes upset other people.

[Friskyone4u]

Unfortunately, that mindset that cheating can help your marriage is being sold today in magazines, TV, and all other social medium. What that says is the end justifies the means.

 

How does the cheater have any idea that it will help their marriage when they go down that path. the overwhelming number and proliferation of divorces and ruined relationships caused by cheating certainly does not make that choice one that the odds of a favorable outcome would be expected.

 

Any statement can obviously on a forum this size that will disagree, but when you get up there and say marriage vows and then knowingly violate every one of them and lie, deceive and betray, you really have to do some twisting to make that one sound like a positive experience for both parties.

 

People are free to choose to be non monogamous, but for those that think that is utopia you are mistake and that has destroyed a lot more marriages than it has helped. And anyone truthful and involved in it knows it.

 

Now, most things I have read said that married women are quickly closing the gap with men as a percentage who stray.

 

Well it is understandable with all the encouragement they get. You cannot find a major womens magazine or TV show that has not published articles glorifying infidelity, and i am not just talking about sleaze publications. In the grocery store just look at the cover of Cosmo, Glamour, or anything else women read. And soap operas that women watch in droves are nothing but one person cheating on another after another.

 

I AM NOT EXONERATING MEN !!! So those of you getting ready to go bonkers relax. We men think with the wrong head and are responsible for our share of cheating, but you do not see too many articles in Mens Health or any other media that men overwhelmingly read or view that constantly tells them how great an affair can be and how positive it is.

 

Getting constantly bombarded with this stuff is bound to have some effect.

 

So before someone decides to go have an affair, you might want to make sure you read all the forums about the DAMAGE, HURT, and FIANACIAL destruction your actions probably will cause and see how you can spin that into a positive.

[minimariah]

Yes but not all choices we as individuals make in life are good for other people, are they?

We break up with people who are in love us, we disappoint our parents sometimes when we move away, we may upset work colleagues/bosses when we change jobs... etc.

Are they also poor choices or are they just individual choices we make for ourselves and by choosing them, we necessarily sometimes upset other people.

 

i don't think it can be compared with cheating because there is one huge difference - cheating can be avoided, it can be handled differently.

 

when you're breaking up with someone or leaving a job or doing something that will upset other folks... if it CAN be avoided and handled in a better manner - then it is a poor choice. instead of cheating, you can be honest and address the issues or simply walk away. when you're leaving your job or breaking up... those are the only ways to do what you want to do.

 

cheating is just one of many ways to deal with problems, it's a poor choice because you do have other better choice(s).

[truncated]

sorry...I don't buy that.

 

an alcoholic may use alcohol as a crutch to get through life, and the results can be devastating for them and those around them. does that make it a good choice?

 

The notion that it can be a good thing is rooted in selfishness. maybe it's good for the cheater in that they get their psychological needs met, but is that all that counts? is nothing else important?

 

what about things like honesty, integrity, being true to one's own self, to not causing unnecessary pain for others?

 

I know this will get me flamed but it's a very selfish choice, and no one knows what the outcome will be, yet they are willing to risk the mental health of their children, their spouse, the om or other woman, and their own...all for what?

 

Sure, maybe no one will ever know that they are cheating, but this day and age, the things that make cheating easy to hide make it just as easy to discover. It's like playing russian roulette with the feelings of others.

 

How is that a "good choice"?

 

I suppose, that if the only one who would have to deal with the fallout, it could be a good choice, but at some point, an adult realizes that they are not the only one who matters. If they want to be, then get a divorcem and they acn be with whomeveer they choose without hurting anyone, and without having to lie.

[sandylee1]

I never really thought about this, until I read what was written above today.

 

Is cheating always a poor choice for the cheater?

Is it for some, a good choice?

Is cheating "the break" for some that they needed in their lives?

Are there marriages out there that would never have survived had one partner not cheated?

 

We in society also go on apace about how bad cheating is, how it is morally wrong, how it impacts people's lives, how it ruins lives too.

And there is no doubt it does.

It causes upset, hassle and stress and the ripples run wide. It is certainly no fun for most people who surround and interact with a cheater.

 

But is cheating always, in reality, a poor choice for the one doing the cheating?

Are some WSs actually living off the high that cheating brought them for years afterwards?

Did they actually need that in their life to give their life a boost; to inject some drama, something to remember, something to learn from maybe?

Has cheating made them better people, not to their close circle perhaps, but generally?

If they had to look back on a life well lived, did cheating make their life better, more interesting, more exciting?

 

I do not have any answers, just asking some questions.

 

I'd say it's a poor choice for the marriage . The cheater may say this is the only way they were able to stay in the marriage, but in reality it's deceptive.

 

Some cheaters and some betrayed spouses have said after cheating and after the remorse, the realisation, the MC and all the hard work, that the cheater has become a better person.

 

I think where the cheater looses respect, money and relationships with children, then it I don't imagine the cheater would think it was for the better.

 

I'm sure the period they were cheating was exciting, probably stressful as well, but they are having an experience on the sly, that goes against those vows.

[elaine567]

Now, most things I have read said that married women are quickly closing the gap with men as a percentage who stray.

 

Well it is understandable with all the encouragement they get. You cannot find a major womens magazine or TV show that has not published articles glorifying infidelity, and i am not just talking about sleaze publications. In the grocery store just look at the cover of Cosmo, Glamour, or anything else women read. And soap operas that women watch in droves are nothing but one person cheating on another after another.

 

Yes, agreed, the passionate affair is portrayed as being all consuming and true love and the affair partners are often seen as the victims of social convention.

They are stuck in dead end marriages/relationships, but cannot leave for all sorts of varying reasons. Reasons that make total sense to the viewer/reader, like the helpless, sick wife or the wealthy, controlling, abusive husband. The lovers are seen as heroic in the face of adversity.

"We are fated to be apart, but my love for you is so strong."

 

After expressing love and passion for each other in secret, they slink off to their "boring" marriage partners.

We, the viewer or reader are encouraged to take the side of the "exciting" and beautiful cheaters, against their lack lustre, or sick, or ugly, or old, or unexciting, or even abusive marriage partners.

[darkbloom]

I think anything that will knowingly cause harm to another person is a bad life choice.

 

I think one can acheive the same results with less fallout by being honest and communicating for change.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no issues imagining situations where cheating, from the perspective of the cheater, is a positive decision. In fact there exists, within the taxonomy of types of infidelity, several positive (for the cheater) motivations.

 

Substitute "theft" for "cheat" :

 

"I have no issues imagining situations where theft, from the perspective of the thief, is a positive decision. In fact there exists, within the taxonomy of types of theft, several positive (for the thief) motivations."

 

Seems almost any act can be rationalized. From the thief's perspective, stealing was indeed a positive decision. He's got more money. Same with cheating, the WS get more validation, etc.

 

Where this falls apart concerning infidelity is the context. You vowed a greater "perspective" than your own, in fact to take it a step further you committed to putting your partner's wants and needs above your own. Cheating is the ultimate breach of that promise.

 

So yes, it's a poor life choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bittersweetie]

I'm only going to speak from my own experience, and I am going to say, yes. It is a poor life choice. For me, it was an epically poor choice.

 

My H and I are now doing very well. We have a son. I am living authentically, and our marriage is much, much healthier. However, that does not make my A the right choice in any way shape or form...one could say the "end result" (our R right now) is positive...but we both walked through heck to get here, a heck that could've been handled in a much better way, or avoided altogether. I do wish I could've gotten to where we are now without the A, without the pain of my H, without the disrespect I showed to him, us, and myself. But all I can do now is move forward making positive, healthy choices.

 

The A is a choice I will not make again.

[fellini]

When the question on the table is the Heinz Dilemna about stealing a medicine from a pharmacy to save one's wife, Ill engage you about it.

 

So two things:

 

1. The classic Heinz dilemna about stealing is in fact, the most renowned moral dilemna known in the english speaking world. This of course means that it is a FIT DILEMNA, so your analogy about stealing obviously falls flat on its face, or, we could say, proves my point. Infidelity is a dilemna facing the cheater. As a dilemna, there are moral and ethical issues that fall on both sides of the equation.

 

(Please note I have NEVER SAID CHEATING to improve the marriage. I neve said that, and so stealing money to "improve" one's financial situation is also not the point).

 

2. We are not talking about rationalisations for infidelity, the question is, are there reasons whereby cheating can be seen to be a positive move for the cheater. Rationalisations are specifically about whether the decision to cheat has been determined based on reasonable decision matrix. Most often its an emotion decision so discussing it "rationally kind of defeats the purpose.

 

Substitute "theft" for "cheat" :

 

"I have no issues imagining situations where theft, from the perspective of the thief, is a positive decision. In fact there exists, within the taxonomy of types of theft, several positive (for the thief) motivations."

 

Seems almost any act can be rationalized. From the thief's perspective, stealing was indeed a positive decision. He's got more money. Same with cheating, the WS get more validation, etc.

 

Where this falls apart concerning infidelity is the context. You vowed a greater "perspective" than your own, in fact to take it a step further you committed to putting your partner's wants and needs above your own. Cheating is the ultimate breach of that promise.

 

So yes, it's a poor life choice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[the_artist_1970]

Well when my DH was cheating, he was really depressed. He lost weight and was very sad all the time. Even his XAP said he was depressed. So some ppl don't get that "high" when they cheat. I know for me I would feel like a wart if I cheated. The high I get is from living an authentic life and treating myself and others with honor.

[Mr. Lucky]

When the question on the table is the Heinz Dilemna about stealing a medicine from a pharmacy to save one's wife, Ill engage you about it.

 

So two things:

 

1. The classic Heinz dilemna about stealing is in fact, the most renowned moral dilemna known in the english speaking world. This of course means that it is a FIT DILEMNA, so your analogy about stealing obviously falls flat on its face, or, we could say, proves my point. Infidelity is a dilemna facing the cheater. As a dilemna, there are moral and ethical issues that fall on both sides of the equation.

 

Telling that once-in-a-million examples are needed to support your position.

 

But OK, I'm in favor of any infidelity specifically needed as an absolute last resort to save your partner's life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[truncated]

Telling that once-in-a-million examples are needed to support your position.

 

But OK, I'm in favor of any infidelity specifically needed as an absolute last resort to save your partner's life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is a poor analogy, as the man stealing the medicine would be doing so to help his wife, not to help himself.

 

How many people cheat and say " I did it because i wanted to make things better for my spouse"? If they did, I would expecet that there would be a diatribe of ridicule hurled their way.

[autumnnight]

Cheating because a marriage is bad is like ripping out you car's engine because it's leaking oil.

[spanz1]

I would say it was "usually" a poor life choice. but there are no absolutes. lets say you were married for a long time, and one day one of the married pair just says "I no longer want physical sex with you, stop bugging me about it". and the other partner tries everything, takes her to a doctor to check out her hormones, checks her medicines for side effects, pleads with her to reconsider....and is turned down when they ask for a hall pass. In that case, it may be the only choice other than divorce. It would be up to the person to decide which of those paths to follow at that point, it would be a personal decision.