I confronted, he denied. New evidence. What now?

[Kate45]

My husband and I have been married 15 years, but have been together for a little over 20 years. We have had a really good marriage. I have had no major complaints about my husband during our 20 years together, the typical problems in any marriage, but they have always been easily worked out. But the past eight months, things have changed. And I could really use some help processing everything that has happened and figuring out where to go from here.

 

My father married a much younger woman, and she had a young daughter, my step-sister. She was 5 years old when my husband and I started dating. When my step-sister was in her teens, she started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Her life has been a complete mess. Now, at the age of 25, she is an alcoholic, I also believe she is addicted to prescription pain killers, and she smokes pot all day every day. For years, my husband and I tried to help her, even allowing her to live with us for a couple of months several years ago. We have found rehab centers for her, we even paid for one of them. Early last year, after talking to my father and step-mother, I decided to practice tough love with her (as they have been doing), and I completely cut her off as far as help goes. This made her angry, and we have only spoken/seen each a handfull of times since last June.

 

Last September, I discovered that my step-sister had been calling and texting my husband quite frequently. It was accidental that I found out. I was going over our cell phone bill like I do every month to total up the cost of my husbands usage for his job so we can turn it in to get reimbursed. I noticed my step-sisters number showed up a lot on that bill. I asked my husband that night why she had been calling him so much, and he said she was asking for money, and crying to him about how unfair I was being by not helping her. I asked why he hadn't told me that she had been calling him, he said he didn't want to cause a fight, because he knew I would be upset that he was talking to her, but that he felt bad if he ignored her calls and texts because she is family and everyone else in the family has turned their backs on her. He said that's not the way his family would handle the problem, that his family would surround her with love and understanding and help in any way they could if it was a member of their family struggling. I told him that I understand where he is coming from, but that what she needs is tough love, not coddling. He said he would cut down on the amount of contact he had with her, unless she came to him and seemed to genuinely want to get clean and sober. I told him if that happened, he needed to come to me and we would discuss the situation and make a decision together on how to handle it, whether we would try again to get her into rehab or not, etc.

 

We had been planning a move to another state for several months due to my husbands job. Right after the first of the year, my husband moved into an apartment close to his job, and I stayed behind to tie up the loose ends with listing our house for sale, and finishing out my notice at my job. I was finally able to join him two weeks ago. Right before I left to come here, my step-mother told me that my step-sister had told her that my husband had made a pass at her at the family Christmas party. According to my step-sister, she had gone outside on the deck to smoke a cigarette after a cousin had made a harsh comment about how much my step-sister had had to drink, and my husband had gone outside to see if she was ok. There was mistletoe hanging on the deck, and (according to my step-sister) my husband backed her up against the wall and tried to kiss her as he was fondling her breasts. She says she pushed him away and went back inside the house. Of course I went straight to my husband with my step-sisters accusations, and he steadfastly denies any such event took place, noting that she was, indeed, drunk that night.

 

My step-sister has sent me several text forwards recently - texts that my husband has sent her over the past several months. I'm not impressed. He has been lying to me for months. Some of the texts are:

 

Me and you. Private conference today.

 

You and me have to have a date soon. I miss you kiddo.

 

If you need me text me. I will be there as soon as I can. You know I love you kiddo.

 

I worry about you. I will be there if you want someone to be with you.

 

Maybe you and me can spend the day together in the near future.

Or you could come to (new state) on a getaway and meet the guys I work with. We are the dirty old man club. lol

 

That girl named (step-sister) that not everyone can understand has been heavy on my heart.

 

I hope my text finds you doing well. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you and always will be. I won't give up on you. I'm not too far away if you need me.

 

And finally, this gem........

 

I'm shipping your sister off to (another state where my best friend lives) for 10 days next month. The weekend she is gone I would like us to get together and catch up. I miss you kiddo.

 

I don't know what to do. I've been stewing for days. My husband knows something is wrong with me. My step-sister said that the day after the Christmas party, my husband contacted her and begged her not to tell me what had happened. And of course, she didn't right away. For whatever reason, she waited months to tell anyone about it.

 

Obviously, I need to confront my husband with the texts my step-sister forwarded to me. But then what? Part of me wants to wait, do some snooping and see if he is messing around with someone else. I mean, if he developed feelings for my step-sister, and tried to kiss her, he could easily be trying to get with someone else, too, right?

 

And then I have to decide if I want to stay married to him. I would never again feel comfortable with him being anywhere close to my step-sister. I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

 

Please help!

[aliveagain]

Keep copies of their texts safe. Time to get a keylogger on his computer, there may be more you don't know. You need to decide what it is that you want before you confront him with hard evidence. You have written texts that will require honest explanations. Independent counselling should be a requirement of any reconciliation. Are you able to get access to his computer to install a keylogger?

[Spark1111]

i'm so sorry you are going through this nonsense. yes, he has crossed many a boundary, is lying to you and seems ripe for an affair....with either your step sister or another young damsel in distress.

 

I would bide my time, pretend everything is just fine until he lets his guard down and you have the concrete evidence you need to make an informed decision about your next step.

 

why not pretend to see your best friend, but cancel and then sleuth your own home and hubby?

 

can you access his emails? texts? Implant a voice activated recorder in his car?

[Art_Critic]

He is looking to bang your sister...

 

Can you live with it ? if not then just confront and divorce.. if you can then sit it out and wait to see if you can dig up something.

 

Personally I would be gone if my wife was looking to bang my brother.. or step brother (I don't have one though but have a few half sisters).

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Divorce him. I can see (not agree with at all) doing something discrete with a stranger. Keeping it in the family is just so, wow. Then there's the semi incest feel to it. What a way to take advantage of someone who's in a bad place.

[Kate45]

I might have to get really creative as far as recorders go. His job is barely ten blocks away from where we live. His office is in our home, and he bounces between his office and his job site frequently throughout the day.

 

I have always handled the finances. His paychecks are direct-deposited. I do a lot of secretarial type work for him, such as submitting his hours to his employer, keeping records of his expenses, etc. I pay all of the bills, and it is rare that he carries cash. He doesn't even know the password to our online bank account. He has never cared to know these things. Before any purchase, he will call me and say he is planning to buy whatever, and ask if the checking account can handle it. Any purchase he makes is easily verified by looking at our online account. He does not have credit cards - neither of us do. We got into major credit card debt early in our relationship, and once we had everything paid off, we agreed to never have credit cards again.

 

I have full access to his phone and laptop. There was a time before he moved that he kept a tight hold on it for a month or so, but at the time I didn't notice. It has only been in hindsight that I am recalling things that are now making me suspicious, but at the time I chalked up to him being stressed about the move and selling our house. He stays logged in to his work email account, and gets pissy if he somehow gets logged out because he has such a hard time remembering his password. So I have his password written down to both of his email accounts - his personal one, and his work one. He has the ability to lock his phone with a password and his fingerprint, but he doesn't use either. He also never clears his history. I have been through his laptop thoroughly in the past few days.

 

So it's hard to imagine how he could be hiding anything now. I check the cell phone usage online every day to see if he is still calling or texting my step-sister, and he hasn't in well over a month.

 

What are other things I can do to spy on him? What are other things I should be checking?

[loveboid]

I think your step sister did you a favor in sussing him out. I'm not sure I would keep him.

 

Another thing you can do is drop in on him early from your trips unexpected. This was already mentioned. Just stop in at work or wherever unexpected. As a rule, people stepping out hate surprises.

Edited April 29, 2015 by loveboid

[beach]

I might have to get really creative as far as recorders go. His job is barely ten blocks away from where we live. His office is in our home, and he bounces between his office and his job site frequently throughout the day.

 

I have always handled the finances. His paychecks are direct-deposited. I do a lot of secretarial type work for him, such as submitting his hours to his employer, keeping records of his expenses, etc. I pay all of the bills, and it is rare that he carries cash. He doesn't even know the password to our online bank account. He has never cared to know these things. Before any purchase, he will call me and say he is planning to buy whatever, and ask if the checking account can handle it. Any purchase he makes is easily verified by looking at our online account. He does not have credit cards - neither of us do. We got into major credit card debt early in our relationship, and once we had everything paid off, we agreed to never have credit cards again.

 

I have full access to his phone and laptop. There was a time before he moved that he kept a tight hold on it for a month or so, but at the time I didn't notice. It has only been in hindsight that I am recalling things that are now making me suspicious, but at the time I chalked up to him being stressed about the move and selling our house. He stays logged in to his work email account, and gets pissy if he somehow gets logged out because he has such a hard time remembering his password. So I have his password written down to both of his email accounts - his personal one, and his work one. He has the ability to lock his phone with a password and his fingerprint, but he doesn't use either. He also never clears his history. I have been through his laptop thoroughly in the past few days.

 

So it's hard to imagine how he could be hiding anything now. I check the cell phone usage online every day to see if he is still calling or texting my step-sister, and he hasn't in well over a month.

 

What are other things I can do to spy on him? What are other things I should be checking?

 

A voice activated recorder in his car would be useful.

 

Don't rule out the high possibility that he has a second (burner) phone - one that he uses to contact her - one that you would never see or know he had.

 

Search his entire car...when he's not looking. Place that VAR in the car when you search it.

[elaine567]

I am just a bit worried that your alcoholic, drug addicted, pot smoking step sister is stirring and that the "concerned" texts from your husband are being used by her to wind you up.

YOU cut her off, but your husband obviously didn't agree with that situation and although going behind your back to keep in touch with her is a bit gutting for you, it is not the same as cheating.

YOU only have her word for it that he made a pass at her.

Alcoholics can be manipulative and as I guess you are her enemy now, she may be just out for revenge.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I am just a bit worried that your alcoholic, drug addicted, pot smoking step sister is stirring and that the "concerned" texts from your husband are being used by her to wind you up.

YOU cut her off, but your husband obviously didn't agree with that situation and although going behind your back to keep in touch with her is a bit gutting for you, it is not the same as cheating.

YOU only have her word for it that he made a pass at her.

Alcoholics can be manipulative and as I guess you are her enemy now, she may be just out for revenge.

 

I agree,this is absolutely a possibility. Wait until you have more information.

[Marchhare]

I am just a bit worried that your alcoholic, drug addicted, pot smoking step sister is stirring and that the "concerned" texts from your husband are being used by her to wind you up.

YOU cut her off, but your husband obviously didn't agree with that situation and although going behind your back to keep in touch with her is a bit gutting for you, it is not the same as cheating.

YOU only have her word for it that he made a pass at her.

Alcoholics can be manipulative and as I guess you are her enemy now, she may be just out for revenge.

 

What about the texts her husband sent to the step sister? Is this SS so set upon taking the H that she purchased a burner phone and attempted to incriminate him?? Was it his phone number that sent the texts?

I think OP needs more information too, and revenge is a strong motive. Could the SS sent the texts to herself??

I believe the OP needs to talk, not confront her H about this ASAP. If OP's gut tells her H is back pedaling the by all means investigate further. His reaction will determine what she needs to do.

AND no more contact by H with SS unless OP is present. He must respect her decision. If not then there is very serious trouble ahead.

[wizer]

How do you know he really sent her those texts?

 

Maybe she's just a troublemaker.

 

Can you get access to his phone?

[No Limit]

Get a polygraph. And an attorney.

[elaine567]

What about the texts her husband sent to the step sister? Is this SS so set upon taking the H that she purchased a burner phone and attempted to incriminate him?? Was it his phone number that sent the texts?

I think OP needs more information too, and revenge is a strong motive. Could the SS sent the texts to herself??

I believe the OP needs to talk, not confront her H about this ASAP. If OP's gut tells her H is back pedaling the by all means investigate further. His reaction will determine what she needs to do.

AND no more contact by H with SS unless OP is present. He must respect her decision. If not then there is very serious trouble ahead.

If you actually look at the texts he sent, he may not be suggesting anything suspicious there, he may just be trying to help her and meet up with her as a concerned "parent" figure.

The only one that is a bit iffy is the mention of the dirty old men's club, but that could just be an "in" joke.

[Grapesofwrath]

Kate: This is a tough situation, and sorry you are in it. Your SS is an unreliable historian, to say the least, and she has an axe to grind. She is a also a very vulnerable young lady, and shame on your husband for possibly taking advantage of that fact for his own pleasure or meet his own emotional needs to play the hero. She may be "splitting" you, in the psychological sense, by playing you against each other to get what she wants. Addicts can be very manipulative this way. However, the fact that he is, at best, violating your boundaries and enabling her, is very worrisome and must be addressed. He is undermining your family's position with her by going behind your back. This is detrimental to everyone involved. That part we know.

 

Whether he is cheating with her is hard to tell, though again, those texts seem awfully suspicious. His final one, about shipping you off, is wildly disrespectful and a real slap in the face. The one about the "dirty old man's club" is revealing and smarmy as all get out. I would have a very hard time believing any explanation for these, other than the one you are suspecting.

 

I would do the following:

 

1) Investigate as much as you can. You've done a lot already, and I don't think it's a bad idea to use this planned trip as a chance to surprise him by coming home early/not leaving when expected.

 

2) If you can't uncover any other hard evidence, I would sit him down and show him the texts you have. See how he reacts. If he tells you you are "over-reacting" are "imagining things" or "making a big deal out of nothing" then the man is cheating. If he is remorseful and offers to cease contact with her now that he knows how much it bothers you, then maybe things are okay.

 

also, you might want to consider letting him know that she supplied the texts. If he is cheating with her, that will piss him off. A lot. if he isn't, it will show him that he is dealing with a manipulative addict and that he is best leaving that alone and not trying to play the hero in her psychodrama.

[Lion Heart]

Kate it takes alot for a level headed person to disclose stuff of a sexual, infidelity nature to an innocent spouse. ESPECIALLY to a person they love. Being a confused person with addiction issues, it's no wonder your SS took months to tell you! She had ALOT to process. Plus the information your SS disclosed was your H telling your SS the day after the Christmas party / mistletoe event NOT to tell you. See if THAT call / text comes up in the bill.

 

I think your H texts tell you PLENTY. Least of all inappropriate behaviours on your H part.

 

TBH your SS had WAY more to lose by telling you about your H than what she could GAIN by keeping it all a secret. She was very brave. Now if SHE was creeped out by all H continuing contact, then that alone should tell you alot. IMHO your SS has more regard for the boundaries of your M than your H. THAT should tell you alot too.

 

As for needing to know if there have been other OWs - maybe yes or maybe no. From what you've said, your SS was "easy pickings" for your H and if he wasn't being predatorial then he was at the very least lying, deceiving and being sneaky about his relationship with YOUR SS. He was not respecting your family's solidarity on the next step to support your SS and this is another disrespectful thing he's done.

 

He's not your SS "Knight in shining armour". For all we know he may turn out to be the "idiot in tin foil".

 

IDK your SS but being an alcoholic doesn't automatically mean she's out for vengeance on her own S in one of the cruelest ways imaginable. She's probably been distraught about this and agonizing over it. No doubt she wouldn't be handling it all well.

 

Your gut is telling you all is not well with your H (WH) behaviours. Follow your gut because you've got PLENTY of red flags just with his relationship with your own SS.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[jnel921]

I'm sorry, but those texts don't sound like a cheat. I read the texts and imagine that your H is many years older.

 

Your H may be genuinely concerned about your stepsister. He has known her since she is 5. I seriously don't think his interest is in her sexually.

 

I think you need to talk to your H and let him know that you know about these texts. If she forwarded them to you to make you think he was flirting then she is wrong and trying to stir the pot. She is already angry that you have cut her off.

 

Being an addict is tough. I doubt your H is attracted to this. Those texts sounded like he did want to help her. He is even willing to meet her while you are away because I am sure she pisses you off.

 

Instead of calling her "kiddo" I think he'd be calling her his hot b**** or some other sexually charged name.

 

I think you are jumping to conclusions here. Talk to your H. Then talk to your stepsister and let her know you love her and want to help her but she needs to be accountable for her issues and start helping herself.

 

Good Luck to you.

Edited April 30, 2015 by jnel921

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry, but those texts don't sound like a cheat.

Wow - I complete disagree.

 

This one especially is suspicious:

You and me have to have a date soon. I miss you kiddo.

Why does a married man need a DATE???

[Lion Heart]

Wow - I complete disagree.

 

This one especially is suspicious:

 

Why does a married man need a DATE???

 

Yes this ^^^^ and also a MM setting up to meet on a weekend when his W is "shipped off" (conveniently like it was HIS idea) and out of state. I'm sure Kate would've preferred to be present when her SS visited?

 

That's why this all looks like red flags.

LH

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh, God, reading your story just makes me sick to my stomach. That is a man who has brought severe dysfunction and sickness into your life and your family. I cannot tell you how many times I have been exposed to this kind of sickness. I am sorry this is happening to you. All I know is, if it were me, at this point in my life, I would kick him out of my life IMMEDIATELY. I would not worry over or force myself to make any decisions about anything until the decisions need to be made. Remaining with him would literally make me insane. That kind of thing has turned me into an absolute neurotic. He is going to deny it and try to hide the truth for as long as he can. Then he is going to finally admit it, beat up on himself about it, and come up with all of these lame excuses. He'll beg for forgiveness and a second chance, all while continuing behind your back. If you will not kick him to the curb immediately, start learning about character disorder and manipulation. Books by George Simon are a good choice. Also, stuff on emotional blackmail. Arm yourself with this knowledge so that you don't spend the next three years of your life going insane. Godspeed.

[Kate45]

Some may think I'm crazy, but the "shipping off" comment does not offend me or raise red flags necessarily. It has been a long-standing joke about him "shipping me off" to see my best friend every other year. What does piss me off, is that he was trying to make plans to spend time with my step-sister while I was gone.

 

As I said before, I am in total control of the finances, so I don't know how he would have gotten a burner phone. He gives me receipts weekly, as we are able to write a lot off, and he has not made any purchases that raised a red flag. It's not impossible that he has a burner phone, but it is highly unlikely.

 

You all have given me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate it.

 

I will keep you updated as this unfolds.

[BetrayedH]

I don't often recommend one but the upcoming trip is probably a perfect time to have a PI watch him. If there's anything to see, that's when it's going to happen.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry, but those texts don't sound like a cheat. I read the texts and imagine that your H is many years older.

 

Your H may be genuinely concerned about your stepsister. He has known her since she is 5. I seriously don't think his interest is in her sexually.

 

I think you need to talk to your H and let him know that you know about these texts. If she forwarded them to you to make you think he was flirting then she is wrong and trying to stir the pot. She is already angry that you have cut her off.

 

Being an addict is tough. I doubt your H is attracted to this. Those texts sounded like he did want to help her. He is even willing to meet her while you are away because I am sure she pisses you off.

 

Instead of calling her "kiddo" I think he'd be calling her his hot b**** or some other sexually charged name.

 

I think you are jumping to conclusions here. Talk to your H. Then talk to your stepsister and let her know you love her and want to help her but she needs to be accountable for her issues and start helping herself.

 

Good Luck to you.

 

Could not disagree with this more.

[Kate45]

Apparently there are many phases to this whole "discovery" thing. (If I am, indeed, discovering that my husband is cheating on me)

 

In the past few days, I have gone from anger to disbelief, to pain, to disgust...lather, rinse, repeat.

 

He wanted to have sex tonight...it makes my skin crawl to think about him touching me. All I wanted to do was punch him.

 

I'm just spinning ... obviously he has not had sex with my SS, or she would have told me (or her mom) ... but I'm leaning more and more towards an emotional affair ... and that is incredibly painful for me.

 

20 years is a LONG time to be with someone. And we have had an amazing marriage. I have never before suspected him of ever doing anything wrong. So my mind and heart are just reeling right now.

 

We have had so many changes in our lives in the past 8 months, and I have been replaying every moment over and over, because things that I had chalked up to the stress of packing and moving, I'm now questioning. Such as, there was about a 3 week period where H didn't want to have sex. VERY unusual for him, he has a very high drive. The only other time in the 20 years we have been together that his sex drive temporarily dropped was when his father passed away 9 years ago.

 

And then there's the cell phone issue I mentioned before...that for awhile he kept his phone guarded, and it seemed like it was dinging his text tone constantly. I actually made a joking comment to him that he was as bad as a teenage girl. On the other hand, his new project was starting, and his phone always blows up at the start of a new project. When I went back through the cell phone bills, there were a LOT of work numbers around that time.

 

I also noticed, by paying close attention to the time of day the texts and calls with my SS took place, that 90% of the time, she contacted him first, and often it took him hours to respond to her.

 

I've always heard to trust your gut...and my gut is telling me that my husband was far too emotionally involved with my SS than he should have ever been. What I want right now is to know why.

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, my gut says that nothing has really happened with your step sister, but your H sure wishes it would.