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DIVORCE FINAL...but am i supposed to Celebrate!!


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For the all the good friends on here who supported me over the past 6 weeks...Lionheart and many others etc

 

Yep the Divorce was final last Thursday 24th April....she's been out the house now for one week. Certificate will come to each of us in 14 days.

 

Great...im still off work sick with stress, suffering i think from PTSD after her DDAy 6 weeks ago...and especially the big gory details sex etc DDAy only just over 2 weeks ago (probably still only told me about 40-50 %....and I knew then for first time that she also met him during the day a few times while I was out at work)

 

She Betrayed me...lied about it and denied it for nearly 12 years...which was eating away at me ALL this time...and always came up in arguments..but she still denied anything.

Then we had nearly 7 torturous weeks there while she TT me after admitting was full blown affair for 3/4 months. Especially the last 2 weeks after the BIG, REAL DDay...!

 

Then we haD Divorce procedures and lawyer which was horrible for me to.

 

Now im coming home to an empty house each night to my own company which is hell, Ive not been alone for at least 12 years..and I come from a big family too when growing up,,,so this is hell for me.

 

I look drawn and anxious all the time (like sh** really)

I'm on anti depressants...and still drinking too much though Ive cut down....to help me sleep

 

So ..ive been betrayed horribly, now lost my partner and company, on my own off work and not too healthy..

 

HER...she looks fine, still very attractive, not really remorseful or sorry, didnt even want to attempt R...and strolls off with her wad of cash to a new flat tenancy....

 

THATS FAIR ISNT IT....!!

 

ps...ive been using the Noxema cream that one of you guys recommended on here day and night...ive got the cleansing cream and the anti-bacterial wash...its good...but im still no Keannu Reeves yet...unfortunately :)

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It just takes time, brother. What you do with the time also matters.

 

It's time to start your second life. You've been liberated from an unfaithful wife. What do you want to do with yourself?

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flowergirl14

Im sorry for your sadness. The faithful spouses always hurt, mourn, grieve more. We are the ones with compassion, care , love and integrity. People who cheat have lost that or never had it in the first place. Is there a divorce meet up group in your area? At least reach out to a friend or family. Someone that will listen. Take it one day at a time. You are grieving the loss of a spouse and a life. That is okay.

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For the all the good friends on here who supported me over the past 6 weeks...Lionheart and many others etc

 

Yep the Divorce was final last Thursday 24th April....she's been out the house now for one week. Certificate will come to each of us in 14 days.

 

Great...im still off work sick with stress, suffering i think from PTSD after her DDAy 6 weeks ago...and especially the big gory details sex etc DDAy only just over 2 weeks ago (probably still only told me about 40-50 %....and I knew then for first time that she also met him during the day a few times while I was out at work)

 

She Betrayed me...lied about it and denied it for nearly 12 years...which was eating away at me ALL this time...and always came up in arguments..but she still denied anything.

Then we had nearly 7 torturous weeks there while she TT me after admitting was full blown affair for 3/4 months. Especially the last 2 weeks after the BIG, REAL DDay...!

 

Then we haD Divorce procedures and lawyer which was horrible for me to.

 

Now im coming home to an empty house each night to my own company which is hell, Ive not been alone for at least 12 years..and I come from a big family too when growing up,,,so this is hell for me.

 

I look drawn and anxious all the time (like sh** really)

I'm on anti depressants...and still drinking too much though Ive cut down....to help me sleep

 

So ..ive been betrayed horribly, now lost my partner and company, on my own off work and not too healthy..

 

HER...she looks fine, still very attractive, not really remorseful or sorry, didnt even want to attempt R...and strolls off with her wad of cash to a new flat tenancy....

 

THATS FAIR ISNT IT....!!

 

ps...ive been using the Noxema cream that one of you guys recommended on here day and night...ive got the cleansing cream and the anti-bacterial wash...its good...but im still no Keannu Reeves yet...unfortunately :)

 

I am happy for you that your divorce is final, you're out of limbo, and can start truly moving on with your life. I am sad for you that you are lonely.

 

Do you like pets? Perhaps a dog, cat, bird, reptile, whatever would provide you some company, a living being to care for, and that will return that care with loyalty and affection. Something to consider.

 

I'm glad you divorces but I'm wondering what country you live in where it only takes 6 weeks?

I live in the US, Michigan, and my divorce only took 12 weeks from the date I filed to the date the divorce was finalized and I had my papers in my hand.

 

I did my divorce myself, though. We didn't own any joint property and my ex was not contesting the divorce itself nor custody of the kids. So, I simply bought the papers from the office supply that carried the specific type our county requires, filled them out, filed them, and then went to the first hearing, a Case Management Conference.

 

At the CMC the judge is supposed to see how the divorce is going, if there are any issues such as with child support, etc. My ex and I simply asked the judge if we could proceed with finalizing the divorce since there were no loose ends and no chance the marriage could be saved. He allowed it and VOILA! I left court that day a free woman with papers in hand to prove it.

 

One of the happiest days of my life.

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I recognise so much in what you are going through; the not sleeping, the anti-depressants; the copious amounts amounts of alcohol to help you get something vaguely resembling sleep.

 

The emptiness of what was once a happy home, the feelings of utter despair and betrayal.

 

I would advise you to get back to work as soon as; it gives structure and purpose to your day, something to get up for in the mornings. Also the interaction with colleagues and a job to focus on will help you.

Trust me, I know it's bloody hard at first but it will help you in the long run.

 

I returned to the UK a week after my D-day and one of the first thing I did was adopt a cat. Knowing I wasn't totally alone and there was 'someone' to come home to every night made all the difference. I owe that little fella a lot!

 

 

Your divorce has gone through very quickly and you haven't had a chance to recover from having your world smashed to bits by someone you loved. It's a huge mental trauma and unfortunately it's gonna take time to heal.

 

Try and look after yourself, but more importantly, be kind to yourself.

 

If you need to talk, get counseling. Or phone the Samaritans. Or just talk to a friend you feel you can open up to.

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I recognise so much in what you are going through; the not sleeping, the anti-depressants; the copious amounts amounts of alcohol to help you get something vaguely resembling sleep.

 

The emptiness of what was once a happy home, the feelings of utter despair and betrayal.

 

I would advise you to get back to work as soon as; it gives structure and purpose to your day, something to get up for in the mornings. Also the interaction with colleagues and a job to focus on will help you.

Trust me, I know it's bloody hard at first but it will help you in the long run.

 

I returned to the UK a week after my D-day and one of the first thing I did was adopt a cat. Knowing I wasn't totally alone and there was 'someone' to come home to every night made all the difference. I owe that little fella a lot!

 

 

Your divorce has gone through very quickly and you haven't had a chance to recover from having your world smashed to bits by someone you loved. It's a huge mental trauma and unfortunately it's gonna take time to heal.

 

Try and look after yourself, but more importantly, be kind to yourself.

 

If you need to talk, get counseling. Or phone the Samaritans. Or just talk to a friend you feel you can open up to.

 

 

yes..its so true...I almost feel sometimes that I didnt even want the Divorce...just to keep her and to have someone here at least...some other bugger will get her after my spending 12 years with her and getting her her British passport (shes from Ukraine originally) and doing everything for her...

 

In Scotland there is a new 'Quickie Divorce' scheme which can take only 6 weeks for Divorce to be granted...if living apart for at least a year (we pretended she was living at a friends address for past year) and both sides consent to the divorce..then approx another 2 weeks..14 days,,,for Divorce certificate to be issued to both parties....

 

Someone on here said in another thread "I love to hate her...and I hate to love her".....sadly I think that's true for me too...

 

Thanks for all supportive comments and I will try to keep busy and eventually get back to work for routine too....I agree

 

I may get a cat...I love cats...

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It just takes time, brother. What you do with the time also matters.

 

It's time to start your second life. You've been liberated from an unfaithful wife. What do you want to do with yourself?

 

 

cheers BH

 

i like the word 'liberated'...but it doesnt really feel that way at the moment..

I remember you said before that once i was divorced and she was gone I would feel 'elated'...maybe I will eventually...probably I will in fact..because she was a betrayer, unfaithful and a very cunning liar ...but i still miss her..damn!!

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stop thinking about her. You have her on a pedestal and she does not belong there.

 

Do things for yourself, go to a gym, take walks, and get plenty of exercise.

 

Do things to help you feel better.

 

She was not the wonderful person you had in your mind.

 

Good luck, but there are better days ahead.

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I may get a cat...I love cats...

 

I can totally recommend it... I remember to this day that the first time I genuinely laughed out loud again after my d-day was when my cat strolled into my livingroom carrying the washing-up sponge in his mouth and dropping it by my feet....

 

Laughter is such a great tonic!

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toolforgrowth
I can totally recommend it... I remember to this day that the first time I genuinely laughed out loud again after my d-day was when my cat strolled into my livingroom carrying the washing-up sponge in his mouth and dropping it by my feet....

 

Laughter is such a great tonic!

 

Laughter really does help. I would listen to hours of stand-up comedy. One of my particular favorites was Christopher Titus's "LOVE is EVOL". He talks about how his ex wife cheated on him, the divorce, and how he met his now wife. He talks about the pain, how he moved through it, and came out the other side. And the whole time he's making you laugh your a$$ off.

 

Make a Pandora profile and give it a go, or watch it on YouTube. Both are free. :)

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cheers BH

 

i like the word 'liberated'...but it doesnt really feel that way at the moment..

I remember you said before that once i was divorced and she was gone I would feel 'elated'...maybe I will eventually...probably I will in fact..because she was a betrayer, unfaithful and a very cunning liar ...but i still miss her..damn!!

 

It's still early days for you. It was a good year and a half from Dday before I was divorced. Yours was amazingly quick. I got really exhausted from trying to reconcile with a woman that wasn't truly remorseful. Perhaps if this divorce had taken a while it would have been more liberating for you.

 

Infidelity has a way of making us feel rejected. But as we've discussed, your wife's infidelity had everything to do with her and nothing to do with you. So, do your best not to internalize all of this. The best thing you can do is to rebuild your life, and keep in mind that you're doing it free from an adulterous woman. The future is yours.

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autumnnight

I think even if a marriage has just about killed your soul (like mine did), you still mourn the end of it. You still grieve. I mean, there's the history, and then there's the fact that you really did mean it when you said "til death do us part," and now that's not going to happen. In fact, I found that some of the anger I thought I "shouldn't" have or express for years came out in spades after the ending.

 

It does take time, and no one gets through it exactly the same.

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Grapesofwrath

Divorce is highly traumatic. It is one of the most stressful experiences that one can endure. No wonder you still have PTSD. This has been only a matter of weeks. It takes time--and lots of it--until you can sleep a full night again and not feel that knot in your stomach. If you can, try getting some exercise. Even if it's just a walk around the neighborhood now that the days are longer (assuming you live in the northern hemisphere.) call up a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Take yourself to the movies. Try a warm soak in the tub before bed to help you sleep.

 

This is a long healing process. Give yourself time. Every day that it's in the rearview mirror, it gets smaller and smaller. Take this time to get to know yourself again. What are your dreams? Your desires in life? Would you like to learn a new skill? Learn to play music? Learn to paint? Learn another language? Love yourself the way you would like to be loved by someone else.

 

Try not to concern yourself with how she looks or how she's faring. She is no longer your problem to deal with.

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Of course you celebrate, you got a cheating wench out of your life. That is a GOOD thing. You might still be bummed over the betrayal, but make no mistake: it is a good thing you divorced her.

 

Although I find it god damn disgusting if you had to pay this person ANY money for divorcing her. She doesn't deserve a damn penny from you. She didn't do a thing to earn it, and doesn't deserve it. I hate women who cheat and lie and still think they are entitled to get money for their husbands leaving them.

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It's been 6 weeks and now its over - maybe you could try setting a time-table for grieving. Like give yourself permission to wallow in your pain for another day or two and then shorten it to only in the morning and then every other morning - something like this. You know you have to get moving but acknowledging the pain and then moving forward anyway will give you strength. On Friday morning drag your ass out of bed and drink some coffee and watch the news. Then maybe put in a DVD that makes you laugh and take it from there. If you feel like crawling back into bed after lunch then fine. Just get up and get moving every morning and see if it gradually helps you stay up and find something to do in the afternoon. Get moving - even if it's just a little at a time.

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All comments and posts taken on board read well.and appreciated absolutely. ...its very hard. ..but I need to do what you all advocate....the 6 weeks or so we're so rapid....and now I'm sitting here watching tv...but not really watching anything. ..its so unusual and closing in on me....but need to push through it....the last week feels like a year already being in the house alone at night. ..

thanks for support all

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All comments and posts taken on board read well.and appreciated absolutely. ...its very hard. ..but I need to do what you all advocate....the 6 weeks or so we're so rapid....and now I'm sitting here watching tv...but not really watching anything. ..its so unusual and closing in on me....but need to push through it....the last week feels like a year already being in the house alone at night. ..

thanks for support all

Don't just sit around alone at night. Get yourself that cat or simply get into some music or movie or TV show. And don't make decisions after 10:00 PM. Here's a quote from the poem "Desiderata":

 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

 

Find a support group, find a friend - do something constructive to fill your time.

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I've copied that quote Drifter....It rings so true for me in this situation. ...

fears and imagination are greatly exaggerated on the evening s especially when alone....

I will get more active with things and maybe join some divorce support group. ..

thanks

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There with you brother. My XW not only destroyed my love and trust, through her A, but ruined my 23 year careerxout of pure spite. I now have a criminal record and can't find a decent job anywhere. Only get to see my son 2 or 3 days a week.

She could care less.

18 months into this and I'm still a mess.

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I'm glad you divorces but I'm wondering what country you live in where it only takes 6 weeks?

 

Yeah when you disclose your country, get ready for mass immigration!

 

LH

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No...not celebrate... But just be thankful.

 

Staying in a M where your WW has hurt you beyond repair would have done nothing for you except satisfy your wish of not being alone.

 

In the end you shouldn't be in bad company, but available and preparing yourself for the next person who will come into your life. Hopefully this person believes in love and Monogamy.

 

This is the risk we all take when we marry. But remember that taking risks is what makes us brave.

 

You will be ok. Good luck to you.

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Dear Lisbon my heart aches for you. It's happened and done. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable at times.

 

The D is a legal and "official" end to the relationship.

This pales in comparison to the deep hurt that betrayal of your WW has dealt. You've endured over a decade of your gut KNOWING but still to have confirmation and SO much information about the timing of things could only serve to devastate you..... almost. 6 weeks. I pray for your strength.

 

I love LS because people are here 24/7. They've got all the "tricks of the trade", I'm sorry to say, but thank goodness OPs pain and healing can help us all. At least we can use this experience to support others. No one else understands the pain. No matter how much they love or care about us.

 

I strongly recommend getting a pet asap. My cat Patchacutee is incredible. He's normally out defending his family's territory like the war lord he's named after and then when I'm sick or sad, he doesn't leave me. He keeps my feet warm at night and has slept for hours on the lounge when I felt I couldn't get off it.

It's the unconditional love they give.

 

So I suggest you get a cat and a dog at the same time. You can walk the dog morning and night and then have your cat to cuddle too. Maybe start with the cat! Walk anyway.

 

IMO your D Day(s) and D is so recent that I shudder to remember them. I called that first month "Ground Hog Days". Absolutely NOTHING CHANGED! Not my anguish, nor my frustration at myself and WH, nor the weather! Nothing. I felt absolutely f***ing hopeless. I was drunk every single day. Sometimes only getting 1 hour sleep but being unable to sleep.

I stayed sober for some periods of some days but only to drive somewhere for my children. And those times I white knuckled it to get home and drink. BTW I'd only had the grand total of 3 drinks in the entire 12 months previous to my D Day.

 

Then one day - yeah I woke at 6am and thought F*** NOT ANOTHER F***ING GROUND HOG DAY!!! I CAN'T STAND THIS!

I got dressed, drove to the shops for a tin of coffee and mint slice biscuits then drove straight around to my lifelong friends house, T. Yeah waking her up before 7am. She hugged me so hard and I sobbed my eyes out. She spent 6h with me that day. We talked about WH A ALL DAY LONG. I've known T for over 40y. This is what we've always done, sought each other out when the worst things have happened in our lives. There was a big change for me that day. T was the catalyst. Hold on. T would say I WAS the catalyst because I made the decision that enough was enough.

 

Looking back it was a major step. I reached out to someone who KNEW the pain of infidelity but she also loves me. I did ONE THING DIFFERENT that day. I'd done ONE THING DIFFERENT 5d before that by quitting alcohol cold turkey. I have a few here and there now but haven't been "drunk like post D Day" since.

 

My healing process goes on. It's been sharp peaks and valleys. Sure beats Ground Hog Days for me.

 

My initial help was doing ONE THING DIFFERENT.

Just one. I did expect too much of myself too early but frankly I was incapable. So I shaved it back to ONE. "Moving" in any way helps beat off depression. Move. Making dates with family and friends helps us do the thing anyway. I forced myself to do this. Sometimes still have to. But I won't let them down so I do it.

 

Lisbon I'm gonna state the obvious. Your healing is all up to you. You know that but it needed to be said. You've gotta do it your way and in your time. You'd be a major sh** head to deprive a deserving woman of you, so don't take too long!!!!

So I'm crazy for saying this: hurry up but take your time. Makes sense to me. Allow yourself to grieve. It's early days. Change something for yourself. .. and that kitten.... and that puppy .... and that lady.

 

See an IC just to do one thing differently. You might ditch it after 1 appt. But that's 1.

 

Work. Hmmm. I'm only back 3d per week. Fortunately or not, my Dr only signed off on me for 3d after an illness last year which I had 5m off. This illness was the beginning of terminal for 2 of my close relatives. They died only a few years older than I am. My POINT is that on my D Day, my boss gave me leave. I had 6w off. She was willing to have me back HALF a day per week or anything I wanted. I chose 3 and I felt completely brain dead and incompetent. I should have chosen 2 days for 3 months. Everyone thought I looked great! Oh right. New clothes, hair style, fake tan, nails etc and I "looked" the part but couldn't for the life of me remember anything of my 3 degrees! At least I looked the part - right. LOOK THE PART.

 

Ok I've tried to lay out a small picture of the landscape after my D Day. How I started all this was to get a number of writing pads. One for "MY NEW LIFE" listing everything I could think of to DO for myself. Everything to SEE. Holidays to take. Every activity I was gonna try. Who cares if I never do any of it! My list is there and I love reading it and having a chuckle. I'm getting through those things now and actually having fun (at times). My latest thing is to buy a chainsaw to cut up the massive trees in my garden from the cyclone last week. Now THATS gonna be fun.

 

Another note book for my spiritual stuff. Quotes. Books to read. Etc.

 

Refuse to let this action of your WW define your life. It shouldn't and it won't (for long) IF you do the healing work. You've already started, you just can't recognize it yet. You're here so you're gonna be fine.

 

Hang in there brother

Lion Heart.

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