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Strong suspicions he's having an affair, now what?


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Up until now I've thought his withdrawal to me was my problem (weight gain). Several months ago I brought up to him that I wondered if he was having an affair and he was quick to turn it around to "how do I know it's not YOU who's having the affair" and other classic signs. Sudden new interest in golf, polishing up his appearance (working out at work, whitening teeth, new clothes including underwear), decrease in sex from about every other day(ish) to now once per week so not extremely drastic.

 

 

When I bring up the decreased sex his excuses are he's tired, too stressed from work, doesn't feel good about his own weight gain, too stressed from being the breadwinner, claims I am crabby/moody. He knows I have been suspicious for a while.

 

 

I had found porn through his Facebook history but should have been looking at his work texts. This is where the problem is...his phone is through his work, as is his laptop. I have absolutely no way to get into his laptop and he keeps it pretty much on lockdown...he leaves the room and turns the password protect on. His phone is also password protected but I can get into that and did (but if he knows I did he would change the password, and actually the company has it set up that it requires a new password every few months so it should be time soon)...there were numerous texts between him and another married woman. Not exactly sexually flirty, but definitely playful and made my gut drop. Many were just banter back and forth of "when are you coming to work out, been waiting" because how convenient, she works out at the work gym too. When I had found it, it was from the last deletion point and was obvious that there had been deleting before that point. When I looked again last night it had all been deleted again. He still has my texts from day 1.

 

 

During dinner cleanup his phone was charging on the counter and it alerted a text and I read it--from her, something to the effect of having a meeting but will be available after that. After child went to bed I brought it up to him (I realize now I should not have), and he said it's for some department meeting, am I really bringing that up again, he's not cheating and I should trust him, there were times when he did not trust me like when I go out with my girl friend (several times a year we do dinner & mani/Pedi's, then dessert, never involve alcohol), and now I succeeded at making him feel like crap. Then all of a sudden he has a raging hard on and wants sex.

 

 

He's been trustful in our 14 year marriage, but did have some questionable moments during the 7 years we dated. While I don't know if it's a full blown PA, something is not right, something has not been right, and at this point I'm not sure what I can do or what the next step should be. For those of you that have been in my shoes, what advice can you give?

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I do not agree with waiting.

 

There are at least two ways to look at this. He either IS or IS NOT (but might eventually) be cheating.

 

IF he is, you should either END IT NOW before it gets worse, or live with the consequences that you could have put a stop to it, and didn't. (Obviously he doesn't want to stop and will continue UNTIL HE GETS CAUGHT). The only way to get him to stop is to break the spell.

 

If he is NOT, but might end up, in an affair. You want to break the spell.

 

Ask him about the woman with whom he is texting. Is she married, ask him, does her husband know she is going to gym with your husband. Tell him you are not comfortable with him texting a married woman and going to the gym together. Ask him to find a GUY to do that with. If he accuses you of being jealous. Tell him you are, and you have a right to be. It's inappropriate for a married man to be with another woman - married or not - and have private messages moving between them. They are behaving like two people ENTERING, IN or potentially GETTING into an affair. You do not need more evidence than this. All the evidence will tell you is WHERE THEY ARE in this together.

 

So, if I knew my wife was meeting more than was necessary a MAN who previously she had no need to meet so often, I would put an end to it BEFORE they got out of control. I would NOT want to know I could have avoided a physical affair but did NOTHING because I DIDNT have enough "evidence". This is not healthy thinking.

 

Of course if you want out of your marriage, wait for him to cheat, and then milk him. But it doesn't sound like you want to, so I say put a STOP to it NOW. Any argument he offers you tell him "that's the risk I take, but I'd rather pay attention to red flags than WAIT until I catch you in bed with her with your pants down." You are his wife and want to stop him making a fool of himself and your marriage because he cannot recognize his boundaries all of a sudden. If he needs you to do it for him, so be it.

 

He does NOT NEED TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN. Period.

Edited by fellini
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I do not mean to make you panick but may husband ended up with work phone, computer and had them locked.He also was working out meeting girl at work.He was always defensive and swore nothing happened.Well to make a long story short he asked for a divorce about a year or so later.Has completely rewrote history.He is very secretive about where he lives now and gone.I do not know how to stop it or I would have. But let him know you do not approve of him with woman working out or what ever it is.If he respects you he will stop. Mine did not and we are over.Good Luck

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I suppose there's a chance you could put a stop to it before it becomes an affair. Monkeys could also fly out of my butt.

 

The reality is that the betrayed spouse is typically the LAST to know. If your gut says something is off, you should trust your gut. Something has probably been going on for a while.

 

What you need now is information. If he's cheating, you're not going to get it from him. So stop asking. You're just giving him a heads up to be more careful. Shutup and play stupid and compliant. And then quietly investigate. Find out the truth so you can make an informed decision.

 

Bear in mind that you don't need to convince him that he's cheating; he already knows. You only need to convince yourself sufficiently so that you can feel confident about whatever decisions you might make.

 

Probably your easiest course of action right now is to purchase a voice activated recorder (VAR) and then velcro it under his steering column. Affair partners commonly talk on the way to/from work. They're relatively inexpensive and don't require you to be tech savvy.

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I suppose there's a chance you could put a stop to it before it becomes an affair. Monkeys could also fly out of my butt.

 

The reality is that the betrayed spouse is typically the LAST to know. If your gut says something is off, you should trust your gut. Something has probably been going on for a while.

 

Well saying the BS is the last to know is like saying you found your car keys in the last placed you looked.

 

Of course she can try to stop it if she can. Your butt has nothing to do with it. Or the monkeys you seem to have stuffed up it.

 

If she can't stop him and tried, at least she knows why. It's up to her to do something. She already knows something is wrong, she doesn't need VAR to confirm it.

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Insider info - usually when a spouse/partner suspects, it means they actually know.

 

What you should do if you're at that point is hire a private investigator and inquire about the possibilities re: GPS vehicle tracking. What they'll do, assuming they do it, is put a unit on his vehicle (and possibly hers), monitor them remotely, and when/if it looks like they're going to hot spots or meeting, they'll go out and document it. Then you'll have your answers.

 

The GPS option is generally much cheaper than full-time in-the-field surveillance, so do opt for that if it's available. Used to be it wasn't and you had to foot the bill for PIs to watch people doing innocuous stuff all day in order to get to the good stuff here and there.

 

The bigger question is what do you do then? Depends a lot on where you live and what the divorce laws are, but in the US forex, infidelity alone isn't grounds for divorce, but then again you may be somewhere that really requires no grounds per se. (Documentation of infidelity is generally used as ammo for settlements of various kinds to show creepiness on the part of the cheater.)

 

You may feel like you don't really want to go down this road, but if you're at this point already, the only other option is resigning yourself to 24/7 suspicion and mistrust, which will eat you alive eventually.

 

The sad truth is that everybody lies. Or at least everyone has the potential to.

 

[edit]

 

DON"T do secret audio recording - it's a felony in many/most places.

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So to outsiders, does it sound like I have a legitimate concern? I'm not crazy?

 

I did tell him I wasn't comfortable with him texting her, but of course his job requires him to do so. He could quit if I want him to (his words). He also said lots of people work out, it's not just the two of them. I could also go meet her, which at his work would be next to impossible and he knows it (security, non employees not allowed in building, etc). Judging by the amount of gas he uses, I don't think they are going anywhere or she would be driving. According to Facebook she is married with 2 kids close in age to mine. I believe my brother in law would have been in the same high school class as her, his family is not from the area. She does not live close to us or to work.

 

My other concern...what if I do all this to "catch" him, but he really is being honest? And he finds out what I did? He'd end the marriage. If he is cheating, more than likely I would end it. Either way I'm screwed.

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Grapesofwrath

I think you definitely have cause for concern. there are many reliable indicators in your description of events, and it sounds like you've done your online research so you already know what they are. some others that I've noticed: they either shower right after arriving home, or come home freshly showered. Their sexual behavior changes, and just the frequency but also the technique. If this is happening, you'll know what I mean.

 

I would suggest that you look closely at credit card statements, bank records, and any other data points that you can see. If he is spending cash, instead of charging things, then you'll notice more cash withdrawals than usual. Plus, it's a good idea to know and understand your finances so you can protect yourself.

 

If you can do it, I agree with Jen that you hire a PI to get irrefutable evidence of the affair. Not only to provide grounds for a divorce should you need it, but also to stop him from denying and blame-shifting. Having proof will give you some peace of mind, and peace of mind will be in short supply if your fears are proven to be true. If it turns out he isn't cheating, then that would be nice to know, too.

 

Do NOT continue to question him about it. He will just go deeper underground and continue to gaslight you. the gaslighting will make you doubt yourself and will drive you round the bend. Trust your gut.

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So to outsiders, does it sound like I have a legitimate concern? I'm not crazy?

 

I did tell him I wasn't comfortable with him texting her, but of course his job requires him to do so. He could quit if I want him to (his words). He also said lots of people work out, it's not just the two of them. I could also go meet her, which at his work would be next to impossible and he knows it (security, non employees not allowed in building, etc). Judging by the amount of gas he uses, I don't think they are going anywhere or she would be driving. According to Facebook she is married with 2 kids close in age to mine. I believe my brother in law would have been in the same high school class as her, his family is not from the area. She does not live close to us or to work.

 

My other concern...what if I do all this to "catch" him, but he really is being honest? And he finds out what I did? He'd end the marriage. If he is cheating, more than likely I would end it. Either way I'm screwed.

 

What's your explanation for his texts with her being deleted?

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Well saying the BS is the last to know is like saying you found your car keys in the last placed you looked.

 

Of course she can try to stop it if she can. Your butt has nothing to do with it. Or the monkeys you seem to have stuffed up it.

 

If she can't stop him and tried, at least she knows why. It's up to her to do something. She already knows something is wrong, she doesn't need VAR to confirm it.

 

She doesn't seem confident about what she "knows" at all. And if she keeps bringing unverifiable accusations, he can just continue to deny and make greater efforts to hide everything to the point where she'll never know the truth.

 

I don't see a lot of spouses successfully precluding an affair from developing once they're suspicious. But I see a lot of wayward spouses getting away with lying because the betrayed spouse shows all of their cards.

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VeryBrokenMan

I was very surprised to learn from my IC that email/facebook and similar passwords should be open to the other spouse. I had nothing to hide and she had access to 12 years of emails on my account the day the IC said we needed to share those. She was very slow to open up hers and I think it was about another month before she gave me the passwords. Obviously she had some things to hide but I never logged in and tossed them but I think she went through mine. The point is, there can be no secrets in a marriage and a password on anything is a secret. I would ask for all his passwords but realize that if he wants to cheat he will find a way to hide it regardless if you have his passwords.

 

One other thing my IC told me was that if your gut tells you your spouse is having an affair your gut is almost always right.

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Grapesofwrath
I was very surprised to learn from my IC that email/facebook and similar passwords should be open to the other spouse. I had nothing to hide and she had access to 12 years of emails on my account the day the IC said we needed to share those. She was very slow to open up hers and I think it was about another month before she gave me the passwords. Obviously she had some things to hide but I never logged in and tossed them but I think she went through mine. The point is, there can be no secrets in a marriage and a password on anything is a secret. I would ask for all his passwords but realize that if he wants to cheat he will find a way to hide it regardless if you have his passwords.

 

One other thing my IC told me was that if your gut tells you your spouse is having an affair your gut is almost always right.

 

It's possible to create a new email account in a manner of minutes. so having passwords to known email accounts is a good thing, but by no means a guarantee that nothing untoward is going on. Deleting texts is a big red flag. My cheater did this, and I only found them when I was looking in his phone and knew which contact to open. Then I could view the history, including deleted texts, and knew what was going on.

 

Unfortunately, OP, you are in a difficult position here. Questioning him further will only drive him underground. Sharing your feelings--which is precisely what you should be able to do with a spouse--will only cause him to gaslight you and try to make it about your insecurity.

 

If the affair is going to end, there has to be a proper D-Day, and that needs to be supported by irrefutable proof.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's gut-wrenching to watch your world unravel like this, especially with a child in the mix.

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She doesn't seem confident about what she "knows" at all. And if she keeps bringing unverifiable accusations, he can just continue to deny and make greater efforts to hide everything to the point where she'll never know the truth.

 

I don't see a lot of spouses successfully precluding an affair from developing once they're suspicious. But I see a lot of wayward spouses getting away with lying because the betrayed spouse shows all of their cards.

 

He can also continue to tell the truth if in fact he hasn't actually done anything yet but he is only thinking on it. It took my WW more than 8 months to get her AP on board. It took her 2 months after that to invite him to her office for a kiss. 2 months after she had confided to her female friend that she was going to take her EA as far as it would go. We do not know where this posters H is along the continuum of coworker to "not just friends".

 

It's a long journey sometimes to that first physical contact. He may be still only in the early stages of infatuation or he may be well into it.

 

So if he tells her she is delusional in his mind he is justified. But the fact remains that as his wife she has EVERY right - actually is being responsible - calling him on his Boundaries.

 

This idea of sitting back and letting things play out is to me the worst advice anyone in LS can give someone. It's like people in LS want him to screw this woman so she has something tangible to call him on. Why should she turn a blind eye just to catch him stealing from the cookie jar. It's her marriage she is risking. Be honest. Tell him you want the communication to stop.

 

It seems to me that the excuse that doing so would only make him more carefull is entirely besides the point. What she wants is to try to stop him so that dday doesn't occur, not so that when it does she can throw photos from motels in his face for effect.

 

If he doesn't want to hear her FINE, that makes it clear to her she is out. Her silence literally allows him to stay connected to the AP in a way that does not serve the OP.

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autumnnight

If your gut won't leave you alone, I would find a way to try to snoop. I will admit I used to sort of dismiss the "gut" thing unless it was accompanied by firm evidence. I was wrong, at least in my own case. I had this gut feeling there was someone else for months, and not only was I right, the time my gut started screaming was about the time he started seeing her.

 

I hope you find out you are wrong, but I would definitively investigate.

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So to outsiders, does it sound like I have a legitimate concern? I'm not crazy?

 

I did tell him I wasn't comfortable with him texting her, but of course his job requires him to do so. He could quit if I want him to (his words). He also said lots of people work out, it's not just the two of them. I could also go meet her, which at his work would be next to impossible and he knows it (security, non employees not allowed in building, etc). Judging by the amount of gas he uses, I don't think they are going anywhere or she would be driving. According to Facebook she is married with 2 kids close in age to mine. I believe my brother in law would have been in the same high school class as her, his family is not from the area. She does not live close to us or to work.

 

My other concern...what if I do all this to "catch" him, but he really is being honest? And he finds out what I did? He'd end the marriage. If he is cheating, more than likely I would end it. Either way I'm screwed.

 

 

You're not crazy. Look up the term gaslighting., it's a tactic many cheaters use to disarm you and make you doubt yourself. It seems as though your husband has you feeling guilty for even suspecting.

 

You've shown and expressed your concern to your husband and he has responded to you in flippant way. He deletes his texts and continues seeing his coworker and this is hugely disrespectful to you.

 

Unfortunately, the fact you've shown concern has most likely made him more secretive and proactive in not being found out. Seriously, it's rare a cheater will come clean when asked. Even kids with chocolate smudges on their mouth will not admit to eating that cookie.

 

As of now play dumb, act normal, let him think he's cooled your suspicions. I suggest you hire a PI if you can afford it.

 

In my situation, I kept my cards close to my chest and hired an experienced PI. i hoped I was wrong but more often than not your gut is the best inner voice you'll hear.

 

Think ahead and plan ahead, use your brain and not your emotions. Think hard on what you'll do and how you'll react if in fact he has been cheating on you. I took the time to face that possibility. I handeled myself with grace and handed him his suit case and wished him well. It's was the hardest thing I ever did, and it hurt so much. But, I'm grateful that I respected myself even though he didn't.

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Hope Shimmers

I don't think anybody, with the exception of one person maybe, said to sit around and let it play out.

 

What I read is that it would likely be pointless for her to question him, because it's not going to wake him up at this point. It would likely only serve to get him to cover his tracks more effectively. If he is cheating or is considering it, he knows it. I doubt that her telling him to get a male gym partner, for example, will elicit a "Wow, yeah! Never thought of that. Great idea!" More likely he will just tell her she's being paranoid and she has nothing to be worried about, when clearly she does.

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I don't think anybody, with the exception of one person maybe, said to sit around and let it play out.

 

What I read is that it would likely be pointless for her to question him, because it's not going to wake him up at this point. It would likely only serve to get him to cover his tracks more effectively. If he is cheating or is considering it, he knows it. I doubt that her telling him to get a male gym partner, for example, will elicit a "Wow, yeah! Never thought of that. Great idea!" More likely he will just tell her she's being paranoid and she has nothing to be worried about, when clearly she does.

 

Yeah, I'm certainly not suggesting that she let it play out or bury her head in the sand. The techniques to discover an affair don't take oodles of time. Once I investigated using a GPS on my wife's car, she was caught on the first download. I left it in the car for 3 days. Turns out the affair was going on for 13 months. I could have talked to her until I was blue in the face and never would have known or stopped anything. Her AP was her boss and they went on mid-day trysts.

 

Investigating is not sitting around doing nothing while allowing an affair to develop. And in all of the years I've been here, I can't say I recall anyone that has confronted their spouse and thanked their lucky stars that they precluded an affair from occurring. Cheaters follow the handbook: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more.

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If they try to talk you into being crazy, it's them who are being crazy.

If you want solid proof and want it right away, get a polygraph done because he'll never confess.

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While you consider whether to hire a PI, or investigate on your own, I would advise that you start doing things for yourself. Like go to the gym, go out with friends, get new clothes /underwear and take a trip to the spa.

 

You'll soon see his attitude change. If he is cheating, I can tell you there's nothing a cheater hates more than being cheated on. He'll think your changed attitude means something, but you'll know your concious is totally clear.

 

Asides from that, have the two of you done anything to address the issues in your marriage?

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Thanks for all the responses. I have gone back and checked credit card records--nothing out of the ordinary, I have the only ATM card so I know he's not withdrawing cash, and he averages a tank of gas about every 10 days according to the credit card bill.

 

 

He is of course, acting on his best behavior...even left work way earlier than normal yesterday (about 2 hours). There has been no texting since I brought it up (I played around with old texts on my phone deleting just one or two messages in a conversation and the date stamp never changed even with those messages missing, and her last text has the date that I saw). Although emails & work IM'ing I have no idea.

 

 

So with this in mind I think a GPS would be useless, and believe if anything is going on it's all at work. I don't know how a PI could help unless they are somehow able to get in as an employee? Not sure how that works. Currently researching VAR's, spysticks, how to retrieve deleted texts and trying to act as normal as possible.

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This is the problem I had. My WW did NOTHING out of the ordinary. She works in the same building as the AP so all their contact, communication, interactions were organised through the workplace. She didn't have his phone number in her phone until it she was already in a full blown EA with him.

 

No problem using the phones at work, coffee, breaks, visits to each others offices, lunches with the gang but always sitting together and walking between lunch and work buildings together. Played some tennis with other colleagues. He would drive her. On and on, NO contact from home except some emails. Putting a VAR in our car would not have helped. She had total access to him at work. No need to pull over in some strip mall to talk.

 

The thing is, I was so unprepared to think she would cheat, I never even looked at her phone or email, none of which have passwords. Had I had a reason to, I would have discovered everything. of course all this changed when they got into a PA, and then she got sloopy, writing emails that didn't leave much to the imagination, but I simply did not have any reason not to trust her. But had she shared with me any information about how much time they were together, all the joint activities they had arranged, had she locked her phone, deleted messages, yes, I would have said and done something fast. Since they work together, looking at gas and odometer would mean nothing.

 

This is why I say, if something is building up, lay down the law. Tell him what you feel - he is your husband after all, not some pesky rat you are trying to bait into a trap - and let it be known that for you fidelity is the backbone of your marriage. Without it, there is nothing left to discuss.

 

As to the workplace and the PI. All I know is my WW invited her AP for their first kiss in her office, and someone nearly caught them walking in, her best friend, in fact. As well they met to kiss and hug in his offices. But they had to take it off campus to move forward. And that is when he is going to exhibit strange behaviour. Sudden plans to visit friends he hasn't seen in months, an ailiing sister who have gave a rats arse about before is suddenly his personal case.. these things that people suddenly do to find excuses to change routines.

 

Thanks for all the responses. I have gone back and checked credit card records--nothing out of the ordinary, I have the only ATM card so I know he's not withdrawing cash, and he averages a tank of gas about every 10 days according to the credit card bill.

 

 

He is of course, acting on his best behavior...even left work way earlier than normal yesterday (about 2 hours). There has been no texting since I brought it up (I played around with old texts on my phone deleting just one or two messages in a conversation and the date stamp never changed even with those messages missing, and her last text has the date that I saw). Although emails & work IM'ing I have no idea.

 

 

So with this in mind I think a GPS would be useless, and believe if anything is going on it's all at work. I don't know how a PI could help unless they are somehow able to get in as an employee? Not sure how that works. Currently researching VAR's, spysticks, how to retrieve deleted texts and trying to act as normal as possible.

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You know what's interesting fellini, or at least what I find interesting, is that just about everyone that he works with, he's connected to on linkedin. If he's not, then they're a FB friend. This lady is not on either, and I've never heard any mention of her name before until I asked "who's that text from?" but by that point I had already seen the now deleted texts (which was why I specifically asked).

 

 

About a year ago his workplace adopted some open-office plan, where nobody has an office and everyone is in a cubicle. In a few weeks though, they are doing away with cubicles and putting everyone in one huge room. There will be no boardrooms, or walls really, except for bathrooms and between buildings. He's already having a fit over this because of the amount of meetings and conference calls he does and will have no privacy (he also does the hiring/firing and yearly reviews so I can see his point). In one of the last texts I read before it got deleted was that once this comes into effect, in order to do this workout that supposedly 10 other people do (a P90X type DVD workout), they will have to go to a park. Not outside in the 5 acre company soccer field or the basketball court, both on company grounds. So, workout or "workout"....

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Southern Sun
What's your explanation for his texts with her being deleted?

 

Yep. This. Someone with nothing to hide, hides nothing.

 

Seriously think about it. Do YOU delete texts? Ever? If you do, think about why.

 

My xMM used to delete ALL of his text conversations except for those from his family. Everything. I guess it made it look less questionable, because that way he could say, see, I don't just delete HERS. I'm so innocent... :sick:

 

I of course deleted questionable texts from xMM too.

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Southern Sun
You know what's interesting fellini, or at least what I find interesting, is that just about everyone that he works with, he's connected to on linkedin. If he's not, then they're a FB friend. This lady is not on either, and I've never heard any mention of her name before until I asked "who's that text from?" but by that point I had already seen the now deleted texts (which was why I specifically asked).

 

 

About a year ago his workplace adopted some open-office plan, where nobody has an office and everyone is in a cubicle. In a few weeks though, they are doing away with cubicles and putting everyone in one huge room. There will be no boardrooms, or walls really, except for bathrooms and between buildings. He's already having a fit over this because of the amount of meetings and conference calls he does and will have no privacy (he also does the hiring/firing and yearly reviews so I can see his point). In one of the last texts I read before it got deleted was that once this comes into effect, in order to do this workout that supposedly 10 other people do (a P90X type DVD workout), they will have to go to a park. Not outside in the 5 acre company soccer field or the basketball court, both on company grounds. So, workout or "workout"....

 

Does he have an iPhone? If so, spotlight search can still see deleted texts if you search for specific words. It's amazing (and kind of disturbing). They remain on the phone via spotlight search until a backup via iTunes is performed.

 

If he doesn't have an iPhone, there are programs you can buy which can download deleted text history. Just be prepared for what you may read.

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