Am I making a mistake?

[kindascared]

OK. I want to keep this short, but I know that hardly ever happens. Almost a year ago, my partner made a choice that hurt me pretty badly. I don't know if it was cheating. In short, we had been talking for about 3 weeks. Upfront she said she wasn't interested in a long term relationship and wanted to date around. The problem is that we had known each other for a long time and we were already in deep. Talking about being soul mates, saying i love you, I'm in love with you, talking about our future together, calling each other nonstop. Well, the moment there is a chance for her to actually sleep with someone else, I tell her I am not ok with it. She says ok, she won't do it. She had a couple if drinks when she said this. Well, that night she had a threesome with her best friend and her best friends husband. She was pretty drunk, but so what. She says it was a mistake to tell me she wasn't going to sleep with anyone, because at the time she didn't know what she wanted. She got very drunk, had a threesome, didn't like how she felt in the morning and told me what happened. There are some aggravating factors but lets leave them out for the time.

 

Ok. I was upset. A couple days later, she told me that she wanted to be in a committed relationship. So, i say of course, this is what I wanted. Well, the people she had a threesome with are her closest friends. She doesn't admit any wrongdoing for some time. Then she admits to wrong doing but doesn't want to let go of her friends. Then she lets go of the friends finally after a few months. But I was still hurting, and when we talked about it, we fought, and the fights started to get very painful. I know she was remorseful and I know she is trying very hard to be good to me, and to get me to trust her. She started to resent me for bringing it up so often. I see that this is hurting the relationship so I decide that I need to forgive her. And i have. I am still upset. But I want our relationship to be good.

 

She never makes any new friends really after a few months. I tell her that it was a confusing time in our lives and maybe she should talk to her old friend. She does, and now her best friend has a new baby. We are going to see them in a couple of days. I forgive my girl, but I am still hurting. Am I dumb for going along with this? Should I have requested permanent no contact? I am trying to be the best person that I can be. If you want any more details just ask. There are a lot of hurtful things in this story.

[Lion Heart]

Kindascared? I'd be freakin terrified!

 

To be honest I think you need to read up a WHOLE lot more.

 

Why on earth would you want to commit to a woman like that??

That woman is most men's nightmare.

 

My nightmares became a reality just 4 months ago and I NEVER would have committed to a KNOWN cheater. It's been complete and utter he**. I always cut and run from any man who cheated ESPECIALLY one who was just a boyfriend. But also my previous WH whom I had a baby daughter with. NONE of those people's characters have changed and I've had decades to see this.

 

But you now KNOW this woman's character. She blindsided you. She's shown little to no empathy. She's rugswept the A and now expects you to SOCIALIZE with the not one but TWO people she cheated on you with?? That's total mind f***ing behaviour. Her behaviour is sickening towards you and you think she loves you?

 

If you are man of good morals, fine character and hope for the future then why on earth would you bet on a "lame horse"?

 

Marraige and children are difficult enough, at times, to deal with, imagine finding out that your child isn't yours? I would never wish this type of mother for my children no matter how much she doth protest.

 

I'm sorry you're here and I truly hope you find clarity for your situation. From my perspective, you'll have to be ALOT stronger to deal with a continuing relationship with WGF or the break away from her, which I strongly suggest.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Audacious]

for the sake of your happiness and mental well-being

dump her .... she is not good

[elaine567]

There are some aggravating factors but lets leave them out for the time.

 

Aggravating factors???

[badpenny]

In my opinion, monogamy is seriously over-rated and goes against our natural instincts as mammals.

But we've been seriously - and at times, irreversibly - programmed to believe that monogamy is correct, right, and virtuous.

Society, cultural upbringing, religion and even law, at times, dictates one-person-per-person relationships to be acceptable in everyone's eyes, but if my H felt the same way, we'd both be a bit freer with our favours.

 

He doesn't.

He's the kind who has decided that one partner, is enough. If we were to split up, it wouldn't be due to infidelity on either part.

I am happy to go along with his views and wishes, because I love him, I respect him, and to do otherwise would destroy him.

 

If a person commits to something, they should stick to it.

If they can't stick to it - don't say you can, and don't pretend.

 

"You can't have your cake and eat it." And neither can she.

 

Leave.

[kindascared]

So, i know its a bad situation. But, i truly have come to forgive her, and she has tried really hard to prove that she loves me, and that she made a mistake. Like I said, she was pretty upfront. Now, I can't defend any of her mess-ups because they aren't really defensible. She did some awful things, but i choose to see her as a human that makes mistakes. I have made mistakes. It sucks. Do you think I should ask her not to go see them? I think we need to see a therapist to create a safe space to talk about this is. I am on the only person she has talked to about it so she doesn't have a lot of perspective on it.

[kindascared]

In my opinion, monogamy is seriously over-rated and goes against our natural instincts as mammals.

But we've been seriously - and at times, irreversibly - programmed to believe that monogamy is correct, right, and virtuous.

Society, cultural upbringing, religion and even law, at times, dictates one-person-per-person relationships to be acceptable in everyone's eyes, but if my H felt the same way, we'd both be a bit freer with our favours.

 

He doesn't.

He's the kind who has decided that one partner, is enough. If we were to split up, it wouldn't be due to infidelity on either part.

I am happy to go along with his views and wishes, because I love him, I respect him, and to do otherwise would destroy him.

 

If a person commits to something, they should stick to it.

If they can't stick to it - don't say you can, and don't pretend.

 

"You can't have your cake and eat it." And neither can she.

 

Leave.

 

I guess honestly, I think she can stick to it. Honestly, she was in a very confused place in her life, same for me. She really didn't know what she wanted. She made a terrible mistake. I can have empathy for that. I have messed up big time, if not bigger than what she did. I very much told her I was ok with her figuring out what she needed...until that night. She thought she wanted to experience that life(she was recently out of a long term relationship) and she didn't like it. She hurt me, and I hate that. But I a trying to make the right decisions moving forward, WITH her. If it turns out that the person that hurt me that night is who she is, then, yeah, I leave her.

[bigman1]

Having read this I think that both of you have some very serious issues. She who doesn't make friends easily is crossing that line to a 3way with friends? It's usually kind of hard to just start seeing friends as sexual partners in the drop of a hat. And to do it in such an unconventional way? I'm not buying that story for a minute. A drunken Threeway with normally platonic friends? Were they drink too? Nope, that story stinks.

 

All of this after you all are soulmates, and all that new lover sounding romance novel inspired declarations? Now she changed in a heart beat? Nope. Not right.

 

You keep trying to forgive her but are hurt. Sir, you need to get a counselor for you. If you can't see anything wrong with this and your desire to make it work then you need help. Now. Don't worry about her. You gotta save yourself first then you will see that you should never get back with her again. Not because she's a cheater, but because she's got serious issues and they are deep. Run. Hide. Do what it takes to get away. You are bad for her too. Sorry to be so blunt but they're is no easy way to say this.

[HurtOfGlass]

Run before things get more complicated.

 

She will drop bombs in your life (though she already did once) in ways you thought she was not capable of. Then you will be wondering why you were so stupid not to see this earlier.

 

Trust me, speaking from a very recent experience.

 

But I think you will not listen to anyone just like me.

[elaine567]

She thought she wanted to experience that life(she was recently out of a long term relationship) and she didn't like it.

 

She was recently in a LTR and that could suggest you are the rebound and the GIGS attitude (wanting to experience "Life") on top doesn't bode well for you.

 

People just out of LTRs can fool people because their "serious" behaviour that they were in the habit of showing to their long term partner spills into the new relationship.

So it all seems very familiar, very cosy, very loving, very intimate both emotionally and physically, very early on. You are hooked into that, but her actions tell a different story.

A story of impulsiveness and lying, and a desire to push the envelop.

Be very aware of that, protect your own heart here.

 

Why did her LTR fail?

Was she the dumper or the dumpee?

[kindascared]

She was recently in a LTR and that could suggest you are the rebound and the GIGS attitude (wanting to experience "Life") on top doesn't bode well for you.

 

People just out of LTRs can fool people because their "serious" behaviour that they were in the habit of showing to their long term partner spills into the new relationship.

So it all seems very familiar, very cosy, very loving, very intimate both emotionally and physically, very early on. You are hooked into that, but her actions tell a different story.

A story of impulsiveness and lying, and a desire to push the envelop.

Be very aware of that, protect your own heart here.

 

Why did her LTR fail?

Was she the dumper or the dumpee?

 

She was the dumper? We dated 11 years ago. We have stayed in touch but, we always kept our distance because we were in serious relationships. So she was in a relationship for 8 years. I am trying to protect my own heart, but i am trying to be a human being as well. I wouldn't want someone to dump me for making terrible mistakes, especially if I were trying very hard to fix the mess i had made. But yeah, I don't want to be a shattered mess at the end of this either. I want to be in this relationship. I do love her very much, and I truly believe that she loves me. How should I proceed?

 

Her last failed because she wasn't happy.

[kindascared]

She was recently in a LTR and that could suggest you are the rebound and the GIGS attitude (wanting to experience "Life") on top doesn't bode well for you.

 

People just out of LTRs can fool people because their "serious" behaviour that they were in the habit of showing to their long term partner spills into the new relationship.

So it all seems very familiar, very cosy, very loving, very intimate both emotionally and physically, very early on. You are hooked into that, but her actions tell a different story.

A story of impulsiveness and lying, and a desire to push the envelop.

Be very aware of that, protect your own heart here.

 

Why did her LTR fail?

Was she the dumper or the dumpee?

 

Also, lets just say that I am going to take a risk with the relationship. I am not saying thats wise, but do you think I should be ok with her friends coming back into her life.....hmmm...asking you directly that question actually sounds like I'm a crazy person. Of course I shouldn't. My concern is that this is a friend that she would consider family and she took her out of her life because I was hurting.

[bigman1]

Okay, this is a game right? Every poster has advised you to leave or end it or not pursue this relationship and your last question is "I want to be in this relationship...how to proceed"?, AFTER EVERYONE SAID DON'T DO IT.

 

You have your answer. Ignore the clear warning signs, ignore the clear advice, ignore reason and common sense and do whatever it takes to be in a relationship with the woman who: (1) you had a prior failed relationship with, (2) who ended a LTR because she wasn't happy (3) professed being your soul mate, but wasn't happy AGAIN so she had a threesome with friends (4) who is coming off of a LTR so she is clearly on the rebound... It sounds like a plan for success. (He says sarcastically.)

 

I do apologize if this post was too harsh, but SERIOUSLY?!

[aliveagain]

So, i know its a bad situation. But, i truly have come to forgive her, and she has tried really hard to prove that she loves me, and that she made a mistake. Like I said, she was pretty upfront. Now, I can't defend any of her mess-ups because they aren't really defensible. She did some awful things, but i choose to see her as a human that makes mistakes. I have made mistakes. It sucks. Do you think I should ask her not to go see them? I think we need to see a therapist to create a safe space to talk about this is. I am on the only person she has talked to about it so she doesn't have a lot of perspective on it.

 

I think you are in a world of hurt with this one. Sounds like she makes the rules as needed. The real problem in my opinion is you like her more than she likes you. Friends are no friends of your relationship, get rid of all of them. You are in a relationship but she's still looking for your replacement.

[elaine567]

Also, lets just say that I am going to take a risk with the relationship. I am not saying thats wise, but do you think I should be ok with her friends coming back into her life.....hmmm...asking you directly that question actually sounds like I'm a crazy person. Of course I shouldn't. My concern is that this is a friend that she would consider family and she took her out of her life because I was hurting.

 

This friendship of your wife's also puts you in direct contact with a man who slept with your gf behind your back.

Are you OK with that?

[Wondering33]

She told you that at the time she wasn't ready for a committed relationship & even know you've known her for a long time, talking for 3 weeks isn't exactly something most people would take too serious especially after coming out of a 8 year LTR.

 

She did something that made her change her way of thinking & was honest. If you want to be with her, then take it slow & see how it goes. You've known her for a long time, you already know her character. After 8 years it's understandable how she might be scared to be committed & after a break up its normal for a person to go a little crazy (like a drunk threesome). If you set boundaries now & you're both on the same page of being committed & she makes you happy, go for it...just with open eyes.

[Try]

Also, lets just say that I am going to take a risk with the relationship. I am not saying thats wise, but do you think I should be ok with her friends coming back into her life.....hmmm...asking you directly that question actually sounds like I'm a crazy person. Of course I shouldn't. My concern is that this is a friend that she would consider family and she took her out of her life because I was hurting.

If you are going to "take a risk" and stay in this relationship, you should do what is needed to give it the best odds of success. Thus you must insist on permanent full no contact with this other couple to have any chance at this working long term.

 

This other couple knew that she was seeing you and yet choose to have a threesome with her anyways, thus they are not friends of your relationship with her. They are what is know as toxic friends. They are advocating and living a lifestyle to her that you do not wish to live, and the three of them will always share that experience and a sexual bond such that when the 4 of you are together, there will always be that element of it being a group of 3 plus you. And talk about the other man, making you beta to her, it does not get much worse than having a threesome with her, where he gets her to ignore her relationship to you without making any of the promises of commitment to her that you willing to make to her.

[kindascared]

If you are going to "take a risk" and stay in this relationship, you should do what is needed to give it the best odds of success. Thus you must insist on permanent full no contact with this other couple to have any chance at this working long term.

 

This other couple knew that she was seeing you and yet choose to have a threesome with her anyways, thus they are not friends of your relationship with her. They are what is know as toxic friends. They are advocating and living a lifestyle to her that you do not wish to live, and the three of them will always share that experience and a sexual bond such that when the 4 of you are together, there will always be that element of it being a group of 3 plus you. And talk about the other man, making you beta to her, it does not get much worse than having a threesome with her, where he gets her to ignore her relationship to you without making any of the promises of commitment to her that you willing to make to her.

Yeah. this is exactly my sentiment. I am trying to be agreeable and not controlling and its just making me a pushover. I should have set proper boundaries from the start.

[kindascared]

She told you that at the time she wasn't ready for a committed relationship & even know you've known her for a long time, talking for 3 weeks isn't exactly something most people would take too serious especially after coming out of a 8 year LTR.

 

She did something that made her change her way of thinking & was honest. If you want to be with her, then take it slow & see how it goes. You've known her for a long time, you already know her character. After 8 years it's understandable how she might be scared to be committed & after a break up its normal for a person to go a little crazy (like a drunk threesome). If you set boundaries now & you're both on the same page of being committed & she makes you happy, go for it...just with open eyes.

 

This is the situation. I know her pretty well. She's a good person.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Kindascared, From what you have written till now it seems that you need this relationship more than her and she knows it. If that be the case then I think you are going to be bending over backwards now, and in the future, whenever she decides to test the waters and see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Fact is no real damage has been done till now because you are not married to her and can break your bond with her when ever you decide. However if you seal your relationship with marriage then it is going to be a very different kettle of fish.

 

Think seriously as to what you want in a life partner and whether this woman has those attributes. If at all you think she doesn't then turn around and run like mad. If you choose to make a mistake now knowing fully well where this is going to lead you then do not be a cry baby and come running back to forums like this one asking for advice which you do not like and do not intend to take. In that case I would wish you the best in the future!

[elaine567]

Yeah. this is exactly my sentiment. I am trying to be agreeable and not controlling and its just making me a pushover. I should have set proper boundaries from the start.

 

Yes and you also have to be on your guard re attachment between your wife and your friend's husband, on her part or on his.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/525415-follow-up-lost-bf-after-3some

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/524560-she-played-behind-my-back-my-fault

Edited April 27, 2015 by elaine567
wrong link

[No Limit]

Dump her and run. This situation is ridiculous. And likely the dream for any cheater out there.

[kindascared]

Yes and you also have to be on your guard re attachment between your wife and your friend's husband, on her part or on his.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/525415-follow-up-lost-bf-after-3some

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/524560-she-played-behind-my-back-my-fault

 

I will be wary but honestly, I won't control her. If she wants any part of him, she can have him, and I will be on my way. I refuse to be intimidated. Honestly, if I find them alone together I would just walk. She needs to be sensitive to that and it should be obvious.

[kindascared]

Dump her and run. This situation is ridiculous. And likely the dream for any cheater out there.

 

This situation is ridiculous. I don't think she is a cheater. I think that whatever betrayal she met was as significant and as grave as cheating, but I don't think its the case that we were in a relationship. She's good to me. She screwed up. She puts her everything into trying to make up for a mistake that she is very remorseful for. I can't ask her to change the past. That terrible night will always be there. It sucks. But I have known her for all of my adult life and she was acting uncharacteristically in that period. At the end of the day, I do love her, and if I am wrong, I get sad, learn a lesson and she goes away from my life. I don't mean to defend anything that she did. Thats sickening. But I can forgive. I was raised in a really abusive family and I was a MONSTER up until a couple of years before I left the Army. If I were judged by my worst moments I would be irredeemable. She did the worst thing that she could have done. I forgive her because I am strong, and I understand.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be accepting and forgiving such humiliation from you.

I hope you both have been tested for STD's.

 

Being with a bisexual woman is asking for trouble.