Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Assuming that during the A you were infatuated, or thought you were infatuated with the AP, once the A is over, how long did it take for you to stop thinking about the AP? Hoping to hear from WS's. Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 My A was 6 years & he'll probably pop into my head for the rest of my life. I also see him from time to time (which doesn't help)not socially but while out & about.i think it depends on the length of A & how strong the feelings were. Every person & situation is so different. I know people that could care a less after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 My A was 6 years & he'll probably pop into my head for the rest of my life. I also see him from time to time (which doesn't help)not socially but while out & about.i think it depends on the length of A & how strong the feelings were. Every person & situation is so different. I know people that could care a less after. Thank you for your response. May I ask how long the A has been over? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Not a WS but I've read of plenty who were pining over their AP for years after ending it 'for the family'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
karma80 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 As I just started the thread . I am struggling to get over the AP. It's been 8 months. I am WW. I feel I am In love and Ofcourse I will be massacred by folks here to even suggest that. I am extremely ashamed to have crossed so many red flags . Maybe the affair wouldn't have been so intense and could be nipped early on. Most women find it hard to move on from A 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Would love to hear from WS's who do not pine for their AP anymore and share how long it took for them to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Wondering33 Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Thank you for your response. May I ask how long the A has been over? We were NC for months then I ran into him one night, we slept together & I haven't spoken to him since. It's been a year. I don't pine for him anymore, he just pops into my thinking bc i see him every so often, I wouldn't think of him as much if I didn't. I'll always care for him but it's different than pining for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeryBrokenMan Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 My WW says she only thought about him for a couple of weeks past DDay. Not really believable but she showed no outward signs of it and never attempted contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I don't think they ever do. That's why for me, once you cheat, you're gone. I don't attempt reconciliation. I'm not going to play second fiddle. You want someone more than me? Fine. Have him. And don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I still think about him. It's been a little over 2 years. At this point, I think of him the way I think of a distant ex that I still had feelings for. Not pining, but still part of me, still regret, still affection, etc. But he only pops up occasionally now in my mind. Btw, everything they told me on LS about getting over him was wrong... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 How of term do you think of your exs? I think everyone I know thinks of people they used to date. The illicit part of the affair only makes the images in your mind have a stronger, more vivid component to them. We encode memories with the emotions we were feeling at that time (think about traumatic memories and post-traumatic stress disorder) and release some of those same chemicals when we recall the event. A lot of people get an adrenaline rush from remembering their AP that they don't get from reminiscing about other past romances. Not to mention, if the affair was not mutually ended or they were forced to choose between their AP or BS, it may intensify their longing and pining and/or romanticize their memories of the experience. Ultimately, I think the answer to your question lies in the personality of the WS. Some people can easily let go of thoughts and some are more obsessive and have a harder time letting go. Also, type and length of affair has a lot to do with it as well. It's different for everyone, but I don't think anyone ever just forgets. It's the way they remember and view the affair partner that probably matters the most. WS just have to live with the fact that their spouse thinks about AP when they masturbate. There's no such thing as the thought police and most people fantasize about past sexual experiences. This is another thing that's extremely hard for a WS to come to terms with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Back in 2008 I had a revenge affair in which I did end up catching feelings for the xOM. I believe because I did not disclose this A until many years later that it caused me to think of my xOM for a lot longer than I should have. I would say I thought about him for almost two years. Obsessively for 6 months after ending it. Now I have no fond memories of the A or my xOM. I honestly do not even think of it as a REAL past relationship, so I do not see him like I do an ex boyfriend from the past. It's definitely a more tainted view that I have of the A now and any memory connected to it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Btw, everything they told me on LS about getting over him was wrong... What were you told? Link to post Share on other sites
obtuseedge Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Its been a month and a half for me. I still think of her every day. Some days are more intense than others. I try to shut down my thoughts and mind though when it drifts to her. But mostly, when I think of the memories, there is a dull pain in my heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but I'll throw in my .02 I don't pine for him, never did to be honest, but there were some wicked strong feelings there, absolutely. It's only been about 3 weeks since a self-induced D-Day, and almost 3 months of absolute NC with xAP. I don't think of him too much when I'm not at work. When I'm home, at the gym, running errands, with my husband, yeah he's always in the back of my mind somewhere, but it's almost like a "Yeah... that happened. Moving on". I wonder if a lot of it is just subconscious. I know I need to move on. I don't think he's ever going to completely leave my mind. But when I go to work and have to hear his voice (I don't even see his face-just hearing his voice on conference calls) brings it all back for those 8 hours. I firmly believe once I find a new job, I will be 10x better off. Will I ever forget him? Nope. Will I still think of him? Probably. But he won't be on my mind every second of those 480 minutes. I honestly think that with me, it's about minimizing triggers. My job is number one on that list. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but I'll throw in my .02 I don't pine for him, never did to be honest, but there were some wicked strong feelings there, absolutely. It's only been about 3 weeks since a self-induced D-Day, and almost 3 months of absolute NC with xAP. I don't think of him too much when I'm not at work. When I'm home, at the gym, running errands, with my husband, yeah he's always in the back of my mind somewhere, but it's almost like a "Yeah... that happened. Moving on". I wonder if a lot of it is just subconscious. I know I need to move on. I don't think he's ever going to completely leave my mind. But when I go to work and have to hear his voice (I don't even see his face-just hearing his voice on conference calls) brings it all back for those 8 hours. I firmly believe once I find a new job, I will be 10x better off. Will I ever forget him? Nope. Will I still think of him? Probably. But he won't be on my mind every second of those 480 minutes. I honestly think that with me, it's about minimizing triggers. My job is number one on that list. I'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. I have a rather obsessive personality, so I can relate to intrusive thoughts. I was wondering how often your husband says he thinks AP? I know for some men, this can be very hard. Also, mean to be very visual creatures. For most mean, the first few months or years are like watching a constant pornographic film of you and AP doing the most vile things you could think of. Those "mind movies" seem cause more men to divorce their wife than the actual acts themselves. Most men report they are even tormented in their sleep by them. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I wonder which stops last... the pinning over the AP... or the regret over hurting their BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Zigoto2 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 It took my husband a few months. The first month was the hardest on him. He would sometimes get panic attacks on his drive home. He would call me and it would help calm him down. In the second month, he was already more emotionally removed. Then, he saw her at a conference and on the second day, the XAP asked him if he was OK. He walked away from her and texted me right away. She was pretty upset about his reaction and sent him a long email one week later. He shared that email with me. It basically said that their long term affair was all his fault, that the friendship was what was most important to her (can we say EA???), that she never thought he would act this way and that he had deceived not only me but her as well (oh! the irony of it all!). My husband accepted responsibility for the A from Dday, but he wasn't impressed by the blame laying from his XAP. That really helped create distance between them. Four months after Dday (and breaking up with AP), he didn't like her, he told me he had hurt me with her. Five months post Dday, she was like an ex girlfriend you don't think of often, you don't care for much. A year after, she was just a stranger in the room (when they were at the same PD event. Now, he only thinks of her when I ask questions about the affair. I guess it helps me ask less questions:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I agree with the others who've said it probably has much to do with type and duration of the affair. And probably has a little to do with your own personality type and gender. I'm a MW and my A with a MM lasted only 2-3 mos. With the EA component, maybe 6 mos tops. I was infatuated. I wasn't in love. The shock of the friendship (a decade) ending threw me. It probably took me 3 months to stop obsessive thoughts, 6 months to get over it. Now (20ish months after the A ended) he is a fleeting (bad) memory in a life otherwise well lived. If you're wondering about your MM, I think men (in general) get over it a lot faster. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OldLady Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 Almost 26 months NC.. Only the last six months has it gotten easier. By far the most painful thing I have ever done to myself. I'm finally at peace with it. But I will end by saying he's always with me, unseen ,unheard and resides in the corner of my heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Would love to hear from WS's who do not pine for their AP anymore and share how long it took for them to get there. I knew xOM for about a year though we were not in contact that whole time. I thought he was my soul mate though now I see I was very, very obsessed and addicted to him. For the first month after d-day, I thought about him all the time (no contact though). Until I realized I was thinking about him to escape my reality. So I started thinking of something negative whenever he popped in my head. It sounds silly but it worked. Within 6-9 months I wasn't thinking of him regularly at all. As time went on, he popped in my head less and less. Once (maybe 2 years after d-day?) I heard a song in a store that he had played for me and it was the first time in ages I'd thought of him. Some may say, don't you think of him when you visit this site, write these messages? I may think of the A, but I don't think of him. I rarely think of him, over five years out. He's just a person I used to know, of no importance to my life now. My focus in on my M and my family and living a healthy life. Hope this helps. Edited April 28, 2015 by Bittersweetie 3 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I wonder which stops last... the pinning over the AP... or the regret over hurting their BS. My money is on pining over the AP...every time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 My A was 6 years & he'll probably pop into my head for the rest of my life. I also see him from time to time (which doesn't help)not socially but while out & about.i think it depends on the length of A & how strong the feelings were. Every person & situation is so different. I know people that could care a less after. I think that "thinking about" is a world different than pining after. We all (probably) have ex's in our past. Old boy or girl friends that we think fleetingly about from time to time. But do we think about them with an intensity such that we would rather be with them than our spouse? Probably not. At about the 5 year mark after Dday my WW disappeared for a day out near to where OM lives. She was out there to visit one of our kids, and that's what she was doing. While there she decided to visit a local community - one of those quaint ones that are find to walk around and look at the shops - and she thought that it was ok for her to do that even though that community was one of the places she and her OM used to go. Obviously I found out about it and was ready to kick her to the curb. She swore she didn't see him, that the community was just a place she enjoyed visiting. So I told her that if she would rather be with OM I would give her a clean divorce. We divide everything 50-50, no fuss at all. Our kids were grown then (not so right after Dday), so it would be an easy divorce. She would walk away with enough money to buy her own house out near where OM iives - heck if he divorced his wife they would be living easy. I asked to to "JUST LET ME GO" if she would rather be with him. She held on to me like crazy, and we didn't divorce. Ever since then she has never been unaccountable when she has visited that area. "Thinking about" the AP is just going to happen. Yes it's not right and not fair to the BS because that person should not be in their mind at all. Being betrayed like this is so unfair on almost every level. But "thinking about" is just going to happen - and for me that's ok as long as there is no attraction or pining associated with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I wonder which stops last... the pinning over the AP... or the regret over hurting their BS. Probably depends a lot on the WS. WW was really angry with herself after Dday. She saw that OM was just manipulating and using her as a sex toy. He said all the pretty things she wanted to hear, and at the same time as an experienced WH worked to sabotage our M. In my WW's case I think she regrets hurting me a lot - but she regrets hurting herself even more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I wonder which stops last... the pinning over the AP... or the regret over hurting their BS. I have to say that in my case, I haven't pined for the AP in well over five years...but I regret hurting my H every day. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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