need insight,intimacy after my affair

[karma80]

i am fWS. married 6 years. affair was with a co-worker. D Day was actually within a week of starting EA and H then moved out, not wanting to reconcile. H and I stayed in touch at times but didn't discuss D. OM is single. i ended the affair myself, as i was feeling extremely guilty for way i walked out of my M . although i felt like i had fallen in love. the A made me loathe myself so much and i just wanted to do the right thing and ended it. moved back in with H and despite NC, i have a hard time letting go of thoughts of AP and that has impacted resuming of intimacy and sex life and overall sense of connection . I do not want to pine for someone, its soul eroding , I told my H he should just divorce me but he still wants to try.

I married my H through family's introducing us, much like semi arranged setting and i know we never have experienced the honey moon phase. we are good partners. i do not know if i am chasing this unfilled fantasy of being in love. i have read accounts of many WW here and it seems like most of their affairs were with MM. and they felt used and ended going back to their H as plan B.

 

all the BH here whose W had intense love affairs, how do you know your W is not carrying a silent flame for the ex OM. How do you reconcile in such a situation?

 

the problems if any before A have magnified 1000 times and i kick myself everyday for being so selfish and letting the A impact my heart and mind.

 

any inputs on whether this M is worth saving?

[toolforgrowth]

all the BH here whose W had intense love affairs, how do you know your W is not carrying a silent flame for the ex OM. How do you reconcile in such a situation?

 

I believe my xWW always would have carried a silent flame for her xAP, which is I divorced her and never looked back.

 

I'm speaking for me and not your BH, mind you.

 

But I have a feeling there will come a day when he asks himself that very same question. How recent was your affair and D Day? In the beginning, men will do everything they can to try to preserve what they have; it's in our nature.

 

But after a while, he'll start asking those questions. They'll eat at him, until eventually he can't take it anymore. I've seen it happen a thousand times; in real life, here on LS, and on other relationship forums as well.

[Friskyone4u]

Karma,

 

Not sure but it sounds like you are stil working with this OM, which if so means that every day you spend 8-10 hours in proximity to a man who you had all the excitement of illicit sex and relationship with. YOUR HUSBAND CANNOT COMPETE WITH THAT> it is not a fair fight.

 

That is why any book you read will tell you that in a work place affair someone has to leave. Plus, it now sounds like your husband is refusing to make any demands on you now that he has moved back in.

 

The bug question?? have you really maintained NC. What is your work relationship with this OM. i hope you do not say you travel together out of town or he is your boss.

 

And just a few more questions

(1) who else knew about this. Do you have girlfriends who helped you cover up and who were actually cheerleaders for your affair telling you you deserved it.

(2) what are YOU doing to regain intimacy with your husband and make him feel safe???

 

Now if the answer is you really got married for the wrong reason and do not love your husband then divorce. But the burden is on YOU to do the heavy lifting, and there is no doubt that being around your OM every day is going to make it much more difficult.

[toolforgrowth]

You want to know what'll get you off this roller coaster? Tell your husband. That'll put an end to it right quick.

 

Sometimes people make bad choices. I can honestly understand that. But when they'd rather sit idle and do nothing to improve their lot and just complain about it, you lose me. Zero respect for that.

 

Getting better takes action. What action have you actually taken?

[Mr. Lucky]

i have read accounts of many WW here and it seems like most of their affairs were with MM. and they felt used and ended going back to their H as plan B.

 

Aren't you?

 

What your H reads into your hesitancy is that you're paralyzed by holdover feelings for your AP. And so, how rewarding is any expression of love or intimacy for him, convinced you're thinking of someone else?

 

He's in a normal post-infidelity love/hate relationship. Loves you for who you are, hates you for what you've done. You don't say how long ago D Day was but recovery takes years. And it's a bumpy ride...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Is the marriage worth saving?

 

Depends on :

 

- if you really love your H

- if you can see a future with him

How long ago did the affair end?

 

Dependingon the length of time, if you still have these feelings to the extent that it is affecting intimacy, then it's unfair to your H and would translate to you're really not in love with him.

 

Seek some counselling and work out what's best. Don't hold reach other back.

[spanz1]

is was a semi arranged marriage. Often in these circumstances, the wife learns to love the husband, and vice versa. it sounds like YOU are incapable of that. If you stay married, the very next guy that strikes your fancy will have you thinking erotically of having another affair.

 

UNLESS you can somehow get over, and stop all thoughts of this past AP....you are just not marriage material for your current husband and SHOULD divorce. Your affair is over, and it SHOULD be in the past for you to reconcile. if you keep dredging it up in your mind, you will never be able to reconcile fully with husband.

[road]

Recovery is a two to five year process.

 

 

Recovery will not begin until you go NC, nocontact with the OM. That means you have to leave that job. You will never detox from your addiction to the OM and recover your feelings for your BH until you leave that job and go NC.

[karma80]

Thank you all for replying . I Have lurked around on this forum for months now .

 

Frisky: d day was in April last year within a week of starting EA. As I said H walked out but my A continued for 5 months . He was aware of it . None of my friends or anyone knew . I ended it in October . I do not work with OM anymore . There was a break in NC because of living in same town and ran into him in January. Didn't speak. But I was aghast at the fact that how it rekindled everything in my mind.

I have told my H what I have felt since then. We spend a lot of time together . But somehow it is not the same . We went to counseling once the town we live in have Really inexperienced counsellors .

 

I not in love with H that's what is impacting the intimacy . I want to feel the same again I did and make this work and have a good future.

 

Sandy lee: I would really want to save my M. But I just feel that I m way too deep in past still.

 

Road : is it fair on the spouse to witness this detox ? 2-5 years is a long time . We do not have kids. But we both are afraid of unknown. Codependent .

 

Mr lucky : when I ended the A H was not plan B. but with these lingering feelings I wonder whether he is .

 

I have not hidden any aspects of A from my H and maybe brutally tell him everything I feel. Sometimes I feel he is God that he chooses to put up with what I did and still love me .

[GoldieLox]

Road : is it fair on the spouse to witness this detox ? 2-5 years is a long time . We do not have kids. But we both are afraid of unknown. Codependent .

 

It is really up to your husband whether he wants to stick around and witness this. Is it fair? No, none of it is fair. You shouldn't have to detox in the first place, but it happened and now the best thing is to find the most honest and appropriate way to deal with it.

 

Just some perspective for you, my husband decided to stick around. It's been about 3 months NC with xAP and 3 weeks since a self-induced D-day. I work "with" xAP. I use quotations because I do not see him (other side of campus) nor speak to him personally, but have to be in conference type calls with him and others for a few minutes a day. I haven't had any desire to speak to him in the 10 weeks NC started, but just being there is enough to drive anyone off a cliff. Husband and I (mostly husband, I left it up to him honestly. Didn't really feel I had a choice in the matter) decided it was best to stay in my job for now due to financial considerations.

 

Um... money or not, I'm considering quitting my job on my own. I come home from work at least twice a week in tears, and this is with full blown NC going on. It is not only unhealthy for me, but unhealthy and completely not fair to my husband to be forced to witness it. He says it will get better with time and counseling and to just try to hang in there, and that he really just wants to help me through this process, even though it's something he never imagined doing. Not everyone is my husband though. I can't tell you how yours is going to react.

 

I really caution you against keeping your job, not only for your own sanity, but for the implications on your marriage if this is something you want to save. It takes an emotionally steel person to go back to a job where she works with an xAP. I thought I could do it, but I'm learning I can't. I hope you don't figure it out the hard way.

[karma80]

Goldilox- thanks for your input . I read your story. I actually changing jobs in 6 weeks and actually moving to another town 2 hours away. Due to BH contract he cannot move with me. I don't know why it has been so hard to let go. I'm unable to have mental NC . It's unfair to my H . And I know i am just testing his patience before its too late . The fact thay my AP was single really made things more intense in the sense that We both were visualizing a future at some point but then I felt extremely guilty. I felt like a coward. I felt how could I just move on with someone after having destroyed my H trust and blind siding him completely .

 

I wish he would just D me . I have intense self loathing . And no matter how much i say I care I can never imagine the pain inflicted on H. I have been selfish and now I feel I am am addict too . As a female I feel it's really hard to switch focus between Mates and that's why Shirley glass says women's affairs are more destructive .

[Artie Lang]

why are you waiting for your husband to pull the trigger on the divorce? don't let your guilt-ridden self allow for this charade of a marriage to linger any longer. it's obvious you and your husband aren't compatible.

 

 

at this point, i feel you need to act in the best interests of both parties. you two should really move on and heal from this episode individually.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Artie Lang

[karma80]

Artie Lang : thank you for your honest brutal comments . It's unbelievable how people on this forum albeit complete strangers can provide insight to messed up situations self created by individuals like me

 

affairs are so destructive . I am not even close to the WW who do everything to bring the M back .

 

Does my affair sound like the cowardly exit affair ?

[GoldieLox]

 

affairs are so destructive . I am not even close to the WW who do everything to bring the M back .

 

Does my affair sound like the cowardly exit affair ?

 

I hate to say it, but that's what it takes. Everything, 100% honesty and transparency.

 

Your affair sounds like you need to go to counseling and figure out what you want out of your life right now. Sounds to me like you want to divorce but are waiting for your husband to pull the trigger. Yes, that's cowardly, as much as having an affair in the first place is. If you really want a divorce, just leave. Keeping your husband in the sidewings waiting isn't doing either of you a favor.

[GirlStillStrong]

I haven't been on these boards for a while; have been trying to get my life back in order after affair with MM. But I do want to throw my two cents in. Everyone (including me) seems to think that relationships are about the other people, or how you feel about or get along with one person vs another. But in my experience, the true question isn't so much about our relationship, or potential relationship, with the other person as it is about our relationship with ourselves.

 

What I mean is, what kind of life do you want to live? Do you want to go through life chasing a feeling? Because in my experience, the beginnings of every relationship are the same. The feelings you get are great, and the hope and dreams make you high. Then once all of that settles down (for me it takes 1-2 years) you are then stuck with another person you are not getting the same feelings from anymore. You can chase that feeling by starting up something with someone else but sooner or later those feelings will subside and you're back in the same position you were in the last time.

 

The real question is, do you want to be married and have your life revolve around that? Or do you want to be single, stand on your own, and seek out someone else? Forget your AP, your OM, because HE is not the answer to YOUR life. YOU are. If you want to be married and you love the person you are married to, get over the idea that you are going to have these crazy feelings about him because that is just not how life is. EVERY partner is going to have his Pros and and his Cons, his good points and his bad. There is no perfect guy and there is no relationship where those crazy-good feelings last forever. You have to evolve as time goes on.

 

For me, settling down has never given me great feelings because I begin to feel stuck with the person. And then I move on, looking for the one guy who can keep me having those crazy-good feelings. I've done it so many times now that it's nuts and I'm tired. And just done. If I could take all the things I loved about each guy and roll them up into one, I might be happy. But at this point (having gone through about 10 relationships in my adult life) I know Mr Right just does not exist.

 

If you want the married life, kids and all that, and are willing and able to let go of the idea that you're going to have euphoric love for someone through eternity, and he's a good guy, takes care of himself, is reasonably attractive, loves you and goes out of his way for you, and wants to work with you, I say keep him and learn how to make your marriage last. Let yourself fall in love with him. If you don't want the married life, he's a bad guy or a bad match for you, or he doesn't meet your basic needs, move on and let him find someone who he can have a chance at happiness with. Good luck.

[karma80]

Girlstillstrong: thank you for yor reply. I do not want to chase feelings but how do I fall back in love? I have not had many relationships before getting married . Marriage was a commitment it wasn't under influence of feelings at all . I don't know what kind of emotions or feelings are real or fantasy.My H is struggling with me trying to get over the past. But it seems like I have destroyed my soul and I feel I am deceiving him by not connecting in a way I should. I tell him everything And that I hate the fact that he should watch me go back in past .

[bigman1]

you are in a terrible quandary. why do you put the burden on him to divorce you? why not do it yourself? i don't say it to be mean, but it is the obvious thing.

[nightmare01]

To me what you did sounds like an exit-affair. So it's probably best that you exit, because staying will just cause further injury to you both.

 

If you stay, your M will NEVER be as good as it was because trust between you and your H is broken - and once trust is broken it never returns completely. Without trust can anyone be emotionally intimate?

[Furious]

i am fWS. married 6 years. affair was with a co-worker. D Day was actually within a week of starting EA and H then moved out, not wanting to reconcile. H and I stayed in touch at times but didn't discuss D. OM is single. i ended the affair myself, as i was feeling extremely guilty for way i walked out of my M . although i felt like i had fallen in love. the A made me loathe myself so much and i just wanted to do the right thing and ended it. moved back in with H and despite NC, i have a hard time letting go of thoughts of AP and that has impacted resuming of intimacy and sex life and overall sense of connection . I do not want to pine for someone, its soul eroding , I told my H he should just divorce me but he still wants to try.

I married my H through family's introducing us, much like semi arranged setting and i know we never have experienced the honey moon phase. we are good partners. i do not know if i am chasing this unfilled fantasy of being in love. i have read accounts of many WW here and it seems like most of their affairs were with MM. and they felt used and ended going back to their H as plan B.

 

all the BH here whose W had intense love affairs, how do you know your W is not carrying a silent flame for the ex OM. How do you reconcile in such a situation?

 

the problems if any before A have magnified 1000 times and i kick myself everyday for being so selfish and letting the A impact my heart and mind.

 

any inputs on whether this M is worth saving?

 

 

 

You seem stuck and passive agressive. Looks like you fear the unknown and yet want security. The what if's seems to paralyze you and leave you in limbo.

What if i leave my husband and OM doesn't want me or we are not a right match and I end up alone? What if my husband moves on and I regret leaving him? What if...what if....?

 

The affair in itself is easy to sustain, it's a relationship that has no day to day realities. The only way you'll ever know if the OM is the "one" is to be openly available to each in an authentic way. He could be the "one" or he could be a mistake. You'll never really know, unless you take the risk to divorce your husband. The not knowing for sure while in limbo keeps the what if's alive and keeps you stuck.

 

You and your husband have no children, and thankfully you can both move on with a clean break. If there's an ounce empathy and respect for your husband let him go. Stop waiting for him to let you go. Sure he'll be hurt, but in the long run he will be ok.

 

What's the worst that can happen, you'll either end up with the OM or you'll end being happily single.

[harrybrown]

Your OM is a fantasy.

 

You will find that out some day.

 

 

He is not half the man that your H is, but go ahead and let him go, if you can't change.

 

Your H deserves someone that loves him.

 

let him find someone that will not cheat on him.

 

put yourself in your H's shoes for some time, to see how destructive it is to find out about the betrayal, the lies, etc.

 

You did not have to live with the OM. If you do, it will be different, but you will be able to see how it hurts, when someone that you care about, has an A on you.

 

and the OM will, just give him time.

[karma80]

nightmare01: as much as im ashamed to admit this, I am afraid to be alone

 

furious: i think you nailed it. the way i ruminate over the what ifs and what nots. i feel even more selfish that i do not have the balls to just D my H and help him find peace. I mean what have i given him except pain? the W he knew before the A is lost. limbo is excruciating.

 

harry brown: you are right, the AP is not half the man as my H , nor am i half the woman , my H would deserve to be with.

 

 

My story is so cliched..

 

when we decided to get back together, I thought that i would be able to connect at some point and not just out of guilt and doing whats right. then i think of my M before the A, its like i am amnesic , the parts i remember is being room mates and having a long distance marriage for first 2 years of our M .

[GirlStillStrong]

I think you are already one step ahead of the game; you already MADE the commitment. You sound as though you feel you have just woken up in this place and not sure how you got there. I do not know how to fall in love again; if I did, I would not be single. But i have heard many people talk about it. They even say that after working through an affair together, the bond, the trust, and the marriage are stronger than ever. Have you tried marital counseling?

 

One: I think it is important to face your fears. Head on. It is the only way I know to grow. I am guessing you are young but nearing a new decade of your life? I have found that every time I approach a new decade in life, something drastic occurs, forcing me to evolve. It is far easier to wake up and face yourself every single day than it is to have your eyes FORCED open. Which it seems has happened to you and your spouse. Now get to work learning about your self. Where you find pain is where you need to focus.

 

Two: It does no one any good for you to beat yourself up about the affair, not you, not your spouse, and not your marriage. I think you need to forgive yourself for being human. You are on a journey and every one who enters your life is on that journey with you, for however long. Your spouse came to you so that you could learn a very important life lesson. Only you can know what that lesson is. You begin to realize what the lesson is by first accepting yourself, healing what needs to be healed within you, and sharing what you have learned with at least one other person. Your spouse may choose to learn and grow right along with you. If not, well, there you have it.

 

Three: I've never found that hyperfocusing on the relationship and the problems with the relationship to be helpful. Each of you needs to focus on your own self, growth as a person, hopes and dreams. You cannot fix the marriage without first fixing yourself. There are things EACH of you need to address to make the marriage work. Think of marriage as a place. It should be a safe place within which both of you can grow. A place where both people can return to at the end of the day and find solace and togetherness.

 

Try Googling interdependent relationships and reading about that. Stop fretting about what to do about the marriage and start living your life. Be authentically you. You should know by now whether or not you and your spouse are compatible. He isn't going to change much. I've never found men to be particularly romantic or doting. There are some who are but most just live their lives as they want and you kind of become like furniture. They are not particularly attentive, in my experience. And relationships, taking care of others, can be a lot of work. What is he like?

 

Get over the guilt. It serves no purpose other than to make you miserable and feel more stuck.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh and about the roommates and living separately for 2 years? You cannot create loving and affection on your own. Both of you need to attend to the other in this way. If he is not willing to work on this with you, dump him. Is this what drove you to have an affair in the first place?

[karma80]

girlstillstrong: I pray to god that you always are happy. thank you so much for your time in writing to me

 

I cannot justify reasons for my affair. I just know that the neglect was mutual i think not intentional but we never worked on making our M strong, our needs are poles apart. we have never argued ever because there was this calm apathy to things and we thought we were okay. not having kids was my idea.

 

the fact is after i ended my affair, H has tried to be attentive and caring, but despite that I feel horrid that instead of thanking god, I am drifting in my own autistic world.

 

living authentically, i guess this is something i have not done ever in My M, just went through the motions, as with any A, I felt alive and happier than ever i was, ofcourse, the aftermath has been hell for me and my H, it is not worth it.

 

I am needy but i do not think much more than the standard woman but women who cheat like me are probably weak and selfish .

 

at this point, all i hope is moving away will give me some clarity, I have no support from family. they are in another continent. I just do not want any of us to suffer further because of my own selfishness and lack of strength and character

[GirlStillStrong]

You are judging yourself. Judgment is like a grey cloud that keeps you from seeing the truth. What you need to do is learn acceptance. It begins from within you. Acceptance is hard. It is so very difficult to face yourself, face the truth. But until you do, you will continue to act out in ways that do not bring you true happiness.

 

Thank you. I would like to say I am always happy but the truth is, no one is. Happiness is a feeling and you have to continually choose it, and choose those things that bring you happiness. Life is a series of ebbs and flows. No one could ever be happy all the time. One way to find happiness is to learn Gratitude. True Gratitude. And practice it every single day. It also means avoiding people who do not also practice Gratitude. It helps immensely to have someone to be grateful toward. A higher power. Some choose to call their higher power "God." You must find your own higher power.

 

Life is easy. We only make it difficult. One thing's for sure, continually wanting things makes life hard. It is in letting go of the wants, the shoulds, the comparing self to others that we find freedom. And true happiness. Running away or moving away from your problems does not solve them. This is called the Geographical Solution. You can run but you cannot hide because you are always left with yourself. It is best to confront You.