He took his Wedding Ring off

[clanforlife]

We have been married for 24 years. In 2005 I found a fake email account with emails but didn't look at them. I told him if we didn't have children I would divorce him, he said if we didn't have kids we wouldn't still be married. We went to Marriage Counseling. I don't think it helped much, it was more for me a punishment for him, a wake up call? We really aren't intimate, but have two kids and I don't want to be divorced. So I keep busy with my job, the kids and their school and well he works. The last three years he hasn't gone on any trips with us. I love to travel and spend time with my siblings and parents about three vacations a year. I feel like he has slowly been removing himself from all that. My sisters say how can I go away on vacations when deep down I suspect his has a long time GF. I know they are right, I guess I am in denial and want what I want just like he does.

 

Two years ago when he came home from a business trip I asked if he had a girlfriend. He said if I want a divorce I can have one. Not meanly, like honestly. I found myself making remarks in front of the kids, like if you ever cheated they would never talk to you again. I couldn't help myself. Then two months later he revealed he had been seeing a Therapist and didn't love me romantically anymore. I was distraught and he also revealed things about himself I didn't want to hear, that he has watched porn, had been with more then one woman before me (he was 30 when we married). I went to see a Divorce attorney, to protect myself finacially. We are well off but his new venture was going down the drain and I wanted to see of I could cut the money off and I couldn't. So we basically have been living as roomates since. The financial aspect is looming over us both big time. I feel like we are in a holding pattern.

 

Last September he removed his Wedding ring after 24 years. I haven't brought it up. What is wrong with me? Why haven't I asked about it? Should I?

Edited April 19, 2015 by clanforlife

[loveboid]

I believe you're financially dependent on him or at least you think you are and that this is influencing you to deny that he is out of the marriage.

 

I think if you want to keep him you should turn yourself around to make yourself more attractive to him. Otherwise, take the divorce that he has offered you.

[Lurkeraspect]

We have been married for 24 years. In 2005 I found a fake email account with emails but didn't look at them. I told him if we didn't have children I would divorce him, he said if we didn't have kids we wouldn't still be married. We went to Marriage Counseling. I don't think it helped much, it was more for me a punishment for him, a wake up call? We really aren't intimate, but have two kids and I don't want to be divorced. So I keep busy with my job, the kids and their school and well he works. The last three years he hasn't gone on any trips with us. I love to travel and spend time with my siblings and parents about three vacations a year. I feel like he has slowly been removing himself from all that. My sisters say how can I go away on vacations when deep down I suspect his has a long time GF. I know they are right, I guess I am in denial and want what I want just like he does.

 

Two years ago when he came home from a business trip I asked if he had a girlfriend. He said if I want a divorce I can have one. Not meanly, like honestly. I found myself making remarks in front of the kids, like if you ever cheated they would never talk to you again. I couldn't help myself. Then two months later he revealed he had been seeing a Therapist and didn't love me romantically anymore. I was distraught and he also revealed things about himself I didn't want to hear, that he has watched porn, had been with more then one woman before me (he was 30 when we married). I went to see a Divorce attorney, to protect myself finacially. We are well off but his new venture was going down the drain and I wanted to see of I could cut the money off and I couldn't. So we basically have been living as roomates since. The financial aspect is looming over us both big time. I feel like we are in a holding pattern.

 

Last September he removed his Wedding ring after 24 years. I haven't brought it up. What is wrong with me? Why haven't I asked about it? Should I?

 

I think you know your marriage is over. His taking off his ring is just the icing on the (your marriage is over) cake. It's time to get your head out of the sand, lawyer up (for good) and protect your assets and future.

[loveboid]

To answer your questions yes, if you want to keep him you should show that you're very upset about the ring and ask him about it. You should have been upset that he was no longer spending time with you too. But really, I don't believe you're that upset otherwise you would have shown it already and wouldn't need our advice so my recommendation again is to turn yourself around or let him go.

[clanforlife]

Thank you all so much. I have a high paying job that leaves me a lot of free time to do the things I enjoy, the kids, school and spending time with my extended family. I am not dependent on him in a financial way, although we are now in debt over this failed business venture. Actually right now I am the one with a job!

 

I know the Marriage isn't working but Divorce would be a failure and I wasn't raised that way. I guess he took the ring off expecting a response and I haven't done that. If I do then we might end up having the discussion I don't want.

 

I know going away so much when I suspect he is with another is like burying my head in the sand, but my extended family is just as important as him, maybe moreso?

 

I still don't know why he would take the ring off. Does he want me to ask?

Edited April 19, 2015 by clanforlife

[minimariah]

why haven't you asked about it...? only you know the answer to that question, really. he takes his wedding ring off - you don't ask why, you don't communicate. you found secret e-mail account and you don't even read the e-mails... why? you either don't care or you simply don't want to know because you don't want to be forced to take some real action.

 

he told you he didn't love you anymore romantically and you were distraught... why? your marriage failed ten years ago when you both agreed that you're staying married ONLY for the children. he very OPENLY told you that you can have the divorce if you want to... what is so surprising about him not loving you anymore? i doubt you love him, anyway.

 

i think you're simply afraid of getting a divorce because you probably view it as your personal failure, you're probably comfortable with living your familiar life & afraid of the unknown. i don't think you love him... at all.

 

children & fear, comfortable life are the only things keeping you together. he, on the other hand, probably doesn't want to be a bad guy so he's waiting for you do it.

[minimariah]

I still don't know why he would take the ring off. Does he want me to ask?

 

because he's done with your M, as simple as that. and yes, he probably is having an A(s). you two are basically separated, no reason for him to wear a wedding ring when it clearly doesn't represent anything.

 

maybe his AP asked him to take it off.

 

maybe he does want you to ask him so he could ask you for a divorce? ask him and you'll know.

[sandylee1]

Thank you all so much. I have a high paying job that leaves me a lot of free time to do the things I enjoy, the kids, school and spending time with my extended family. I am not dependent on him in a financial way, although we are now in debt over this failed business venture. Actually right now I am the one with a job!

 

I know the Marriage isn't working but Divorce would be a failure and I wasn't raised that way. I guess he took the ring off expecting a response and I haven't done that. If I do then we might end up having the discussion I don't want.

 

I know going away so much when I suspect he is with another is like burying my head in the sand, but my extended family is just as important as him, maybe moreso?

 

I still don't know why he would take the ring off. Does he want me to ask?

 

Your marriage is a sham. I don't understand why you want to continue living this way and showing the kids this unhealthy relationship. Having to see this interaction between their parents is not nice. They will end up thinking it's normal and may well go on to have crappy relationships as a result of what they're witnessing.

 

He doesnt really want to be married, a ring is a symbol of love and fidelity. There's obviously none of that, so why bother wearing the ring it means nothing to him . Right now, your both together because of the kids. He's probably trying to sort out his finances and once he has fully decided his girlfriend is 'the one , he'll file for divorce.

 

It's just a matter of time.

[beach]

Thank you all so much. I have a high paying job that leaves me a lot of free time to do the things I enjoy, the kids, school and spending time with my extended family. I am not dependent on him in a financial way, although we are now in debt over this failed business venture. Actually right now I am the one with a job!

 

I know the Marriage isn't working but Divorce would be a failure and I wasn't raised that way. I guess he took the ring off expecting a response and I haven't done that. If I do then we might end up having the discussion I don't want.

 

I know going away so much when I suspect he is with another is like burying my head in the sand, but my extended family is just as important as him, maybe moreso?

 

I still don't know why he would take the ring off. Does he want me to ask?

 

There are times when staying in a marriage looks more like a failure than leaving.

 

 

He obviously isn't acting like he's married to you by being a loving and supportive partner who is honest and has integrity.

 

And you wonder why he's not wearing his ring? Honey, it's because he's not acting as if he's married.

 

So if he's not totally into it - then it's better for both of you to just end it.

 

It's not a failure! Failing is staying after the marriage has died and ended.

[xxoo]

I know the Marriage isn't working but Divorce would be a failure and I wasn't raised that way. I guess he took the ring off expecting a response and I haven't done that. If I do then we might end up having the discussion I don't want.

 

The marriage failed a long time ago. No one is fooled, probably not even the kids. You are staying married to keep up appearances, but even that is failing.

 

A failed marriage doesn't equal personal failure. YOU have not failed, your marriage has. It's dragging all of you down. Cut the line, and you'll rise.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Would you say your marriage is successful? My guess is no, so if it is unsuccessful now, what difference does it make if he is wearing his ring or not. You already know where all this is heading, it is only a marriage in the sense that you are wanting to keep the title. You are a successful woman, but the fact that this marriage does not succeed, does not blemish you, it sounds like he left long ago. When you are ready you really need to clean this mess up and move on with life. There is a brave new world out there.

[goodyblue]

My guy and I began as an affair. He took off his wedding ring. His ex asked him why and he told her he didn't like to wear it while working out. Three months later he moved out.

 

If you want to save your marriage you had better take some sort of action. And soon. It sounds to me like he is done.

[spanz1]

at this point you are roommates. so there is nothing really to lose here. might as well act boldly. ask him if he can see any way to jump start the marriage again. if he says no...then divorce him and disentangle yourself from his business venture. his business is bringing in no money, and he is not acting like a husband, so how would divorce really be any worse?

[No Limit]

The moment he admitted he was only around for the kids you should have left. Staying for the sake of the kids is a poor excuse, a dysfunctional home isn't a better environment just because there's one more person around.

[clanforlife]

Well, we both said we were only there for the kids. I think we both have that mentality. Or did, until he said he was seeing a Therapist and all and then the ring coming off.

 

I can't thank you all enough for responding. The replies have really made me think.

[clanforlife]

Thank you No Limit. Actually, he is never around much, although he loves his kids and they him. And when he is home I am busy with school stuff, TV shows, and really love talking on the phone to my sister's most of all. I am always giving them advice but look at my own mess. UGH.

[clanforlife]

children & fear, comfortable life are the only things keeping you together. he, on the other hand, probably doesn't want to be a bad guy so he's waiting for you do it.

 

Mini I think you are onto something here, he always has to look like the "good guy".

[Raena]

It sounds like you know it's over... you just need to find a way to extricate yourself from this situation.

[minimariah]

Mini I think you are onto something here, he always has to look like the "good guy".

 

sweetie, end it.

 

this mess has been going on for an entire decade. you ain't never getting those ten years back, do not waste another ten just because you're afraid of changing your life.

 

living like this makes no sense, really.

 

one more thing - he might be preparing for a divorce. he took off his ring, he is seeing his therapist? in my opinion, he is probably figuring out how to end it - and you should be doing the same.

[clanforlife]

Well the therapist reveal was two years ago in May. Then the business stuff happened last year then the ring came off in September.

 

Seems like he is just treading water here. I guess if I don't mention the ring we can continue this way for the kids (one leaves for College this fall).

 

Even if he is in an affair or in love with another he is still staying with us now.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all so much. I have a high paying job that leaves me a lot of free time to do the things I enjoy, the kids, school and spending time with my extended family. I am not dependent on him in a financial way, although we are now in debt over this failed business venture. Actually right now I am the one with a job!

 

I know the Marriage isn't working but Divorce would be a failure and I wasn't raised that way. I guess he took the ring off expecting a response and I haven't done that. If I do then we might end up having the discussion I don't want.

 

I know going away so much when I suspect he is with another is like burying my head in the sand, but my extended family is just as important as him, maybe moreso?

 

I still don't know why he would take the ring off. Does he want me to ask?

 

Divorce him immediately. This isn't a failure and stay married for fears of that or worrying what others will think is ridiculous. You're not happy, he's not happy, and pretty sure your kids are aware that you two are not acting in love or being a couple.

 

You can be great co parents apart, even be on good terms and the kids will adjust.

[Grapesofwrath]

I was distraught and he also revealed things about himself I didn't want to hear, that he has watched porn, had been with more then one woman before me (he was 30 when we married).

 

You previously thought that your 30-year-old groom had only been with one woman before you? Reading this, and some of your other posts in this thread, makes me wonder if you have always lived in some denial about your husband. To uncover a secret email account and then not read the emails is an act of incredible self-discipline, one might even say self-denial.

 

Maybe it's time to get real with yourself and with him. Cards on the table time. If you know the facts and have a handle on reality, you will be better equipped to decide what to do.

[CarrieT]

Why is divorce considered a failure but living this sham of a marriage is not?!!

 

How is raising your children to see this as acceptable healthy for them?

[Diezel]

Why are you asking in APRIL about him taking a ring off in SEPTEMBER?

 

That's what I really want to know. Something must have triggered this question 8 months later.

[cocorico]

Well the therapist reveal was two years ago in May. Then the business stuff happened last year then the ring came off in September.

 

Seems like he is just treading water here. I guess if I don't mention the ring we can continue this way for the kids (one leaves for College this fall).

 

Even if he is in an affair or in love with another he is still staying with us now.

 

My parents "stayed together for the kids". When he youngest left home, they split immediately. It is something I will never forgive them. They stole our chance of "happy childhoods" by denying us access to happier parents.

 

I wish my parents would have had the courage to split when they saw it wasn't working. My siblings and I all learned horrible lessons about relationships from watching their dysfunction and each of us has at least one divorce to our names. Is this what you want for your kids? To punish them for your own lack of courage?