Lifeslessons Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I'm new to here, in fact I should be working on my PhD, and yet here I am trawling the internet for any sort of help I can get I have been with my husband for 13 years, we have two wonderful sons together and all was well. I met a guy at work 18 months ago, we started out chatting online and soon I started to develop feelings for him. We started meeting up for coffees and just lunch at first, then things got more serious and before I knew it I was in the middle of an affair. I don't know how I let it happen. I love and respect my husband, and it would never have crossed my mind to get involved with someone else. As the months progressed, I started to find it harder within myself to finish things. He was married with children, he said his wife doesn't sleep with him, at all. He admitted from the very start he had been seeing another woman for 3 years, and at the time, it honestly didn't bother me (which makes me an awful person). A month after he told me, I told him I didn't want to see him any more that it was really messed up and it was bad enough I was the other woman with his wife, let alone another gf. What a mess. I was a mess, I missed him dreadfully. Then he contacted me a few weeks later to say he had ended things and did I want to see him again. Blindly I agreed and went along willingly. At the end of last year I found out that he was still seeing her and I cut things off. I spent two months in a heartbroken stupor. He admitted that he never really loved me, it was his gf he loved. During those two months of no contact, him and his girlfriend really did split up, and he came crawling back to me, an empty shell of a man. I was too in love with him to care about the reasons or why, it was just a way to stop the pain. After a few months he told me he loved me again but this time I was cynical and the feelings of guilt towards my husband were starting to crash in on me. I had held them at bay for so long it came on me like a tonne of bricks. My hair started to fall out, I started to get ill and just wanted to sleep. I was depressed and anxious and no longer functioning properly. A few weeks ago he told me he only loved me as a friend and he never really meant romantically. That was the final straw. I'd been messed around so much at such a high risk and for what? I am heartbroken, I've been played and manipulated. I feel like the rose tinted glasses have finally come off. Not only have I cheated on my lovely husband, but I have fallen in love with the worse kind of man and am left picking up the pieces of my life. It's my own fault of course. I got what I deserved, and some. In the meantime I am dying inside. It had to finish, but with the knowledge that this was all nothing, that it was only me who really felt anything. I am worried this will never pass, or that once it does the true gravity of what I have done to my family will destroy me; and so I cling on to the feelings of attachment I have, to justify what I did. What happens when that goes, if it ever does? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 What you will find if you read the stories here, is that this will rip your marriage apart. So many women in this situation unknowingly find themselves actually getting more distance from their husbands as they pine for the other man. In your situation I thing your broken over the fact that your other man didn't care for you, and not really about the affair itself. What I'm getting at is if it wrong and you feel horrible for doing it, then should it really matter if he loved/loves you or not? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I am worried this will never pass, or that once it does the true gravity of what I have done to my family will destroy me; and so I cling on to the feelings of attachment I have, to justify what I did. What happens when that goes, if it ever does? Welcome to LS. I'll ask a few questions similar to what an IC would ask you in therapy.... Could you briefly outline your goal? Is this your first experience with infidelity? What's your family background? Any experiences there? How would you describe the foundation of your marriage? Why did you title this thread the way you did? These are merely questions for reflection. Are you open to working with a professional to process these feelings? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Reveal to your husband. He deserves to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You love and respect your husband but apparently had no problem putting his health at risk for STD's and humiliated and betrayed him in the worst possible way? Please do not say that you love and respect your husband. You and your husband need to be tested for STD's. How would you feel if you husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him? At the very very least you need to confess to your husband so he has the right to make choices about his life as well. It is not just all about you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 OP, upon re-reading, I think I understand the title better, in that the MM you were involved with was a poly-philanderer, apparently having multiple concurrent affairs. Something to consider here is a concept I learned decades ago from early experiences with MW's: Trust but verify. Anything which is unverified is unverified and should be considered unreliable. That includes many statements people make. People lie, generally to benefit themselves. If you did have concurrent sexual relations with the MM and your spouse, I echo the advice to get a comprehensive STD panel performed and clear yourself using the standard STD testing procedures and latency periods. Specifics vary by couple but my general advice is, if wishing to recover/reconcile your marriage, transparency (that's telling your spouse about your affair) is key in that recovery. If you are on the path to divorce, just divorce, with the only caveat being STD disclosure if you contracted a STD from the affair partner. Your spouse has a right to know for their own personal health, regardless of where the marriage goes. Whatever you do, move forward and get it out. I watched a female friend internalize her past affair and drink herself to death. Be on guard against self-destructive behaviors and internalizing. You related examples of the physical aspects in your post. Find a path to health which works for you and get moving. You only have one life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I will never understand how a woman, who claims to love her husband, would allow herself to be a part of another mans harem. This guy must be one cool player with the penis of Zeus. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Now you have a idea how your husband will be feeling after he finds out that his wife betrayed him. You really created a real mess and honestly it will get worse and I hope you can deal with the fall out. It's obvious that you didn't think this one through and when the other shoe drops, I hope your prepared. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mintcondition Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 "A cheater who cheats on a cheater". Is this supposed to be some earth-shattering discovery, or something that's an anomaly? Of course not....lol. People who cheat like the thrill and excitement of cheating, especially men because men have this innate drive to want to sleep around as much as possible; it's in their genes whether you like it or not. You're not thinking clearly because you developed feelings for this guy, but remove yourself from the equation and replace your character in this mess with another woman and look at it objectively from the outside. It's a clear case of "everybody's cheating on each other" type of scenario. I'm almost positive that the girlfriend he's been sleeping with has someone else on the side too - when she cuts him off is when he comes to you from some affection. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 God! Think of all the nasty fluids these people are passing back and forth to each other. If I was your husband and found out I would never touch you again. Gross. I'm noyt trying to beat you up, but you need to step back and look at this situation with an objective eye. You have dragged your poor husband into a quagmire of filth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 God! Think of all the nasty fluids these people are passing back and forth to each other. The fluids are not the problem, but the bacteria/virus in them. OP if you have any respect for your husband at all you'll get a STD test done ASAP. And should you have caught something you'll tell him to get tested as well and why. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Your husband probably already knows something is off, I mean you being depressed, ill, sleeping a lot and having hair fall out he must notice this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 What I'm getting at is if it wrong and you feel horrible for doing it, then should it really matter if he loved/loves you or not? You hit the nail on the head with this. It took me a really long time to get to the place where I could understand that to be true. It also totally crushed my personal self-esteem to think that I let myself be destroyed and all for a jerk who didn't really care; it was all just a game to him. I had to get to a place of indifference to realize it didn't matter, and OP is nowhere near that. Still, I think it helps her to hear it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 (edited) Working on your PhD and you can't even protect the two boys you brought into this world because it appears that banging some player who is having unprotected sex with you and multiple women is more important than family and home. Just how smart is that? Where do you expect this all to go? You can't unfu*k yourself, no going back. You mention your husband and two boys in one little sentence and the other 5 paragraphs are all me me me me me and other man other man other man. We get where your priorities lie. You may want to move your post to Other Man/ Other Woman section, they may be more understanding. I have very little sympathy for someone intentionally risking their family for a little strange. Hope it's all worth it for you, you will be discovered just like our spouses were. Edited April 19, 2015 by aliveagain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I am worried this will never pass, or that once it does the true gravity of what I have done to my family will destroy me; and so I cling on to the feelings of attachment I have, to justify what I did. What happens when that goes, if it ever does? Well, I am impressed. A cheater acknowledging that they use "but I am in lurve with him/her" as a justification. And I am surprised you didn't say that before you met OM, your M was not good and list all your H's faults which is what 95% of cheater on here do when telling their A story. I don't under stand what you are upset about. Your H does not know, so no problem there. Not like he is going to D you because of it, he does NOT KNOW. So you still have your H and family and life goes on, except you got played and cheated on by a cheater and you don't like that?? Exactly what is your problem???? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I posted a rude post. I apologize to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 OP, what kind of help do you need? Do you want to stop the deceit nd become a better person? I'm one of those weirdos who think people can change. Is change what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 This right here? This is the reason I keep coming back. I learn so much about the thinking that makes it possible, about how cheaters think - about how my husband thought. This reminds me of some recent threads. OPs obsess about AP's actions, AP sightings and interactions. Whether AP is serious about them or not seems generally to be the concern. OP entertains posts about the marriage but not nearly with the intensity or interest of the posters. Same here. OP writes, what?, four or five paragraphs of which the two longest are about the AP. The affect is that of a teenager asking an advice column if AP is into her. Instead it's, what? A PhD candidate in grad school, 2 kids and a husband, agonizing over whether she's OM's #1 or #2 mistress this year. That's the title: "A cheater who cheats on a cheater." The husband/family data are just intro material for lead character background. Last paragraph gets down to it: I cling on to the feelings of attachment I have, to justify what I did. What happens when that goes, if it ever does? That line — "to justify what I did"— rang a bell. My husband says he broke up with AP #1 because she was sleeping around (a "slut"). Also during grad school, after their 6-month affair, he saw her making out with a professor. They need to be exclusively cheating. The AP's desire for them is heady stuff; the flattery and attention, thrilling. They obsess on this and the desire they reciprocate. It MUST be all about the two of them. Just so you know, OP, he told me only decades later. It was devastating. Realizing that I had nothing to do with his obsession was devastating. Realizing what a cad he was and is, was also devastating. I won't burden you with remarks about your family or your husband. This thread is about your AP, Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 i didn't know how i got into an affair, but i kept it quiet the whole time??! WTF?! DUMP THAT SORRY A** LOSER YOU'RE IN A "RELATIONSHIP" YOU CALL YOUR S.O!!! leave one relationship .. and start the other... don't be a coward and crawl over!!! YOU GOT WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR - NOW HAVE THE BALLS TO END IT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 You mention your husband and two boys in one little sentence and the other 5 paragraphs are all me me me me me and other man other man other man. Same here. OP writes, what?, four or five paragraphs of which the two longest are about the AP. It's rather strange that posters here get criticized for not writing about what was working, but rather, about what is not. As if that act of not spewing out valentines for their loved ones makes them less loved. No matter, if anyone were to spend more than a few words about their spouse the resounding response would be "stop saying you love your husband, you are a slut, if you did love your husband you wouldn't have cheated"... A little bit of a catch 22. Like the one where you have to confess to infidelity no matter what, to save your marriage, but then the advice to the BS is to divorce his WS to survive his mental life. Regardless of her remorse (or confession) OP you are allowed to phrase your issues in any way you wish. In spite of the fact that some people believe they reside in LS and own the place and you are just a visitor who cheats. Newsflash: The Infidelity forum is for betrayed and betrayers, its not a just water cooler for the betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 It appears this is yet another drive-by so we'll close this up. Link to post Share on other sites
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