i am gutted Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 coming up 8 weeks apart and have had a bad couple of days. I caved in yesterday and asked him for tea - kids were here but they were busy with their own things. his phone wouldn't go and I couldn't get hold of him to tell him what time tea was going to be so I went round to his place and he wasn't home. he said that he had heaps to do but wasn't there. I have asked him if he has someone else and he said he hasn't but I just feel that he is not being honest. he packed bit of a crap about me asking him questions. he looked at me as if I was just a pain in the butt. how can he not seem to care about how I have been feeling through all of this after being together for so long? how can he just switch off? he told me to move on a couple of weeks ago - like its that easy to do! I asked him last night if he has already moved on and his reply was "probably". I would just rather hear from him if he has someone else than hearing it from someone else. . am feeling pretty low today, would love to wake up and not care about it anymore. there just seems to be more lies.................. Link to post Share on other sites
I4givehim Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 I have learned through all of this is to go with my gut feeling. He has someone else. Stop!!! Sounding so desperate to him. You are boosting his ego. You are to good for him. You deserve better. Any time you find yourself thinking or wanting him think of what he did to you and the kids. It will snap you back to reality. Hold your head up, put a smile on your face. Happiness is the best revenge YOU GOT THIS!!!! 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted April 18, 2015 Author Share Posted April 18, 2015 yes I know what you are saying is true but I just cant help it. he probably is loving the fact that I get upset and all that and want to know what where and when...........I have had nothing else but him and family all my life. never really had my own thing..........was just dedicated to him. he has crapped on me - I just would really like for him to be sincere in his apology and still sort of give a damn. my gutt feelings have been pretty much right in the past - he thinks I am stupid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 As long as you appear needy, he'll just be scoffing and revelling in you wanting him. It's a very big mistake to centre your whole life and happiness around a single individual, especially a spouse. You need to build up your confidence and show your children,you will be just fine. Start investing time in yourself. Find a hobby, do not let yourself sink into a depression over it. He isn't worth it . No human being is worth it. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there are so many more traumatic things in life. I find when I get very upset about something, I just think of a depressing news story and thank God I'm not in that position. I think they'd love to have my little problem. Think about that suicidal pilot and all those families he has devastated , wherever you are in the world, you'll have heard of that. Life will get better, when you start not caring about him. No matter how sad you feel, don't let him see it. I read about a lot of MM saying their wife can't cope without them, she'll crumble and that makesme so mad. Don't be one of 'those' women. Don't let any man or their actions define you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 You know he has and this kind of behavior does not do you any good. You want him to pine for you, but he doesn't, it sucks, but it is a fact. I don't say these things to be mean to you, but it is not fruitful to dwell on such things. What he fails to realize is that being with you is a privilege, while he is wasting his time with the flavor of the month. You need to busy your time investing in yourself and your children and not on him as he is not worthy of you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 thanks all...............am digging deep today to not go and see him or contact him. I read that 180 and have tried very hard to do it. I was doing ok last week, have just fallen flat this weekend. He is working away from here and that makes it easier for me knowing he not around town. yes I know that I sound desperate ae.......I do pine for him but not this him.....the old him. my kids birthdays are on 26th april.......son will be 19 and daughter will be 16. I don't want him to come over but I know that's a bad thing to think. my son and I went out and we saw him drive past and when I got home my daughter said that he called in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 coming up 8 weeks apart and have had a bad couple of days. I caved in yesterday and asked him for tea - kids were here but they were busy with their own things. his phone wouldn't go and I couldn't get hold of him to tell him what time tea was going to be so I went round to his place and he wasn't home. he said that he had heaps to do but wasn't there. I have asked him if he has someone else and he said he hasn't but I just feel that he is not being honest. he packed bit of a crap about me asking him questions. he looked at me as if I was just a pain in the butt. how can he not seem to care about how I have been feeling through all of this after being together for so long? how can he just switch off? he told me to move on a couple of weeks ago - like its that easy to do! I asked him last night if he has already moved on and his reply was "probably". I would just rather hear from him if he has someone else than hearing it from someone else. . am feeling pretty low today, would love to wake up and not care about it anymore. there just seems to be more lies.................. I don't know how to reinforce this gently. He is telling you the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 hi muddy..........I take it you mean the highlighted parts............ Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 There is more there that I could highlight in your post, but yes, those particular statements reflect more than a hint of truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Hi I am gutted So I've had a quick look at some of your previous posts, please correct me if I am wrong: * you discovered your H had an affair = WAYWARD husband * you tried to reconcile * you found out it was a false reconciliation effort because WH was still wayward, lying, deceiving etc. * WH left * WH shows little interest in you or your family * WH replied "probably" when you asked if he's moved on??? If everything ^^^^ is correct then OFCOURSE HE'S MOVED ON. Please I am gutted. Your WH "moved on" WHILE he was married to you. WH remained "moved on" during your false R. WH has moved out and you're asking anybody if we think he's seeing someone else? He was seeing someone else's during your M and R so ofcourse he's gonna be seeing someone else now! In his entitled mind he could have an affair during his M. In his entitled mind he could cheat during your false R. He's not cake-eating anymore (not with you anyway). But I'd bet my house on him seeing someone now. It's your WHs pattern of behaviour. He does this. As crappy as your options are, you have NO CHOICE BUT to move on. I guess it's that or beg the cake-eater to move back and continue eating cake. Your call but boy they're major sacrifices and major risks for you to make. I guess you could insist on him using condoms with you. Is that M to you? YES NC NC NC. 180 180 180. USE LS if you want to break contact and there are LOTS of tools and forums here to help you. When all is said and done, the ACTIONS part is up to you. Good luck from the bottom of my heart. I guess the biggest lesson here (one my mother taught me by 14yo) is to teach your daughters NEVER to be 100% financially dependent on a man. You can do this because you must. Lion Heart. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 Thank you Lion Heart........... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Thank you Lion Heart........... I am sorry that your devotion was wasted on this man. I'm angry for you. He just doesn't deserve you. You loved him so well. Forgave him when he didn't deserve that either! I'm sorry for the harshness of my post. I just can't understand why spouses can't be 100% honest when there's nothing to gain by their DIShonesty anymore. It's plain cruel and heartless. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you can pull your life in and really learn to devote yourself to YOU now. You are very important to the people who love you. Wishing you all the very best Lion Heart. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 I sympathise with how you are feeling, but you need to get to a point of acceptance. It is over. He does not love you. He does not want to be with you. He does not believe that you have any right to honesty from him. So yes, you need to move on. He's right about that. It's not easy, but it can be done. Start now. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Wanting closure, an explanation, the truth, etc. are all just stalling tactics for more time. Nothing he could say would satisfy because the fact is he's moved on without you. Time for you to move on too. Are you working and making money? Focus on that instead of him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 my kids birthdays are on 26th april.......son will be 19 and daughter will be 16. I don't want him to come over but I know that's a bad thing to think. These are not babies, they can have two birthday celebration, the real one with you and the lesser one with him. He has decided to put himself on the outside, so that is where he should remain. This going to be their new normal, now that you two are separated. Don't try to rescue him, he has made his bed now let him lie there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 Wanting closure, an explanation, the truth, etc. are all just stalling tactics for more time. Nothing he could say would satisfy because the fact is he's moved on without you. Time for you to move on too. Are you working and making money? Focus on that instead of him. slowly getting there and have been pretty good on the NC. in saying that, today I am bursting to talk to him. Don't know why. Yes I am working, I have a part time job which I can also pick up extra shifts now and then. I am lucky that my work mates have been a good support to me during all this. I work with the elderly and I have struggled to keep the smile mask on when there....... as for the wanting closure etc, its the truth I wanted the most.....I just couldn't get my head around all the lies he was telling me to my face all the time. but I have to accept the fact that he lies, he is a liar, he will always lie to me about things now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 How about an update? Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted May 19, 2015 Author Share Posted May 19, 2015 How about an update? hi there... well, good days and bad. still a few bad days at present. the kids birthdays were good and went without a hitch. I have had a very busy few weeks at work and have picked up extra shifts and longer shifts which is good. just very tired at the moment trying to stay strong, not think of him and what he is doing. today I have had him on my mind a lot again, thinking about who he has been with, how many and all that, how he got away with it and I think about how long he has probably been doing it too. I know I shouldn't but it just seems to pop into my head when I see something that triggers it. kids and I have had some good times tho, we went out last week with my father to a quiz night and had a great night. something we have not done together. we got home, sat together and just laughed so hard about stupid things. was great. hope you are doing ok, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 You are going to have to ride this emotional roller coaster for awhile, and you are going to go through a myriad of feelings. This is very normal, though things feel anything but normal to you now. Just keep being busy with you and the children, spend as much time as you can with them doing fun things, this will be very beneficial to all of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts