Long story but I really need , my life depends on it literally

[janedoexo]

Hello everyone this is my first post here. I have been lurking all morning because I have been going pretty wacky about my boyfriend for the past few weeks and I can't seem to shake these nagging fears / feelings which worries me that this time my insecure thoughts may actually be true.

 

So my situation is really complicated. I am 22 and a transgender female. Me and my boyfriend of almost 3 years met when I was 20. He is 29 and I love him with all of my heart. He met me when I was extremely depressed, still living as a male, and just all around miserable. He was like this shining miracle that came swooping into my dark existence and saved me from myself and others. He is the first serious relationship I have ever had and he is my love, my soul mate, my whole world.

 

My love has a condition called Elhers Danlos Syndrome. It is a connective tissue disorder that leaves him in a LOT of pain. He has to take serious pain meds all day every single day just to be half normal and get out of bed and the opiates have dulled his sex drive / ability to orgasm. I never really cared that much about it in the sense of "missing out on life" because of it. I just love him and we have discussed the future of his illness. As in he may end up in a wheelchair and not be able to walk within the next 10 years and I have always said and have always felt that I would not give one **** and I would stick with him through it all.

 

We met from facebook. He found an old dating profile I had and sent me a message on my attached facebook link. The night we met it was just instant connection / fire / passion / love. We didn't even last 20 minutes before we were passionately kissing in his car for HOURS. Literally since October 16th 2012 we have not gone more than maybe 3 days without seeing each other and have been inseparable since.

 

We have been through hell and back, then hell again and back, then hell one more time and back, and now it seems like were on our way to hell once again.

 

So in the course of our relationship one thing that has been a sort of issue is we fight a LOT and we fight HARD. I honestly believe it is the passion we have for each other is VERY intense also mixed with other factors.

 

One is that we currently live with his family. It is awkward and I don't feel comfortable doing things like getting food or going to the bathroom here because I don't like talking to his family without him there. So it stresses him out that we spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week in the same room without me leaving the room almost half the time.

 

Another is my anxiety issues. It seems I am always "freaking out" about one thing or another. It has ranged from worrying about my face aging / my body not being perfectly extremely feminine to having cancer.

 

So moving on I started to transition into a female about half way through our relationship. He always knew I was transgender, he is attracted to transgender women and has been since he was a kid. When he met me I already used to pass as a female without even trying more than half the time. I am a VERY feminine girl now. I pass as a female almost 100% of the time. I take care of myself, I try to always look good when I go out for anything. I always wear makeup, I dress well, I am always in heels. I am actually doing modeling now and making a lot of money. So my transition has been a success. This may seem like bragging but I feel it is important that I mention this since most people may think that our issues may stem from me not being attractive as a female. I am.

 

So sex is the next thing I want to add. I am totally submissive in the bedroom. When we met I was able to give him blowjobs and make him cum that way. But after about a month or 2 we started to try to have anal sex. It really hurt me, I hated it, and I didn't want to do it. I always dreaded when we would try. Most of the time I was clenched shut and he couldn't get inside of me. When he did get inside it would be extremely painful and I would just want to stop. That lasted for a while. Our sex life was still ok but I felt like I was neglecting his needs. He eventually was finding it hard to finish from oral and he was literally just masturbating to porn with me there and finish on me so he could get off. This actually didn't bother me much at first, but it did soon after. We started to have anal sex magically for some reason every once and a while because I REALLY wanted to fulfill his needs.

When we would have sex it was good, he would get so turned on his was cumming within 2 minutes, was SO happy while doing it and afterwards. I was too, it was making me feel fulfilled sexually to make him cum and feel good by using my body manually himself to do it. I enjoy being penetrated VERY much so now.

 

So this is where things take a sudden and shocking turn on my part. This was at a time where things were NOT going well for me and my love. We were fighting every single day BAD. He kept dropping me off at my family's house, coming to get me again, then dropping me back off after fights. He constantly kept telling me things weren't going to work out, that he needed to end things. One of the most hurtful things he would constantly say is "Go find some other dick to suck / ****" "Go find some other guy" "Find someone else to take care of you". So one day after being kicked out of his home at 2 AM and being told these things I made a dating profile. I was so low and sad that night I didn't know what else to do. I noticed the next morning my profile was FLOODED with messages from local men.

 

It made my confidence SOAR, I had never had so many men interested in meeting me, calling me beautiful, saying all the things I guess an insecure, depressed woman wants to hear. I couldn't take down the profile, and I made more even though me and my love were still together. I guess I was escaping and just giving in to what my BF kept telling me. I felt like I was going to lose him anyways and I thought I could maybe find someone else, even as far as to say I was looking for a replacement. I slept with 2 men I met. One on my love's birthday which was a one night stand thing and the other was a short term "thing" with another guy. I told my love right away and was not sexual with him without him knowing what was going on.

 

I really just loved my boyfriend, but I wasn't feeling stable. I also suspect my hormones were playing a HUGE role in this cheating phase I went through. I am going through an INTENSE second puberty and my dosage of meds were not optimal at the time. Excuse I know, but it does hold some truth. My endocrinologist even agreed and adjusted my meds even more when I told him about all of this.

 

So eventually I was seeing my "boyfriend" and the other guy at the same time. My bf knew but the other guy didn't. I eventually chose my boyfriend and ended things with the other man.

 

Things were ok, then my boyfriend started really getting angry all the time about my cheating. He was hacking into emails, my work account, bank info, my phone was checked every time I left it out, any website I used he was bookmarking my profiles to follow what I was saying on the internet. It was really overwhelming, he even was stealing new passwords I was making and taking free reign over whatever of my personal info he wanted. We were fighting all the time again as well, so I again made a profile and met someone one night. We didn't do anything sexual but we did kiss. I felt disgusting / guilty / terrible the next day and I never spoke to the guy again. My BF found my emails back and forth between the guy and I though and we dealt with it.

 

So this all happened last summer. Things have never been the same since.

 

I understand that he has every right to be angry. I wouldn't even be with him if it were me honestly. But the cheating has been brought up every single day since. I am constantly being called a cunt, slut, whore, cock pig, slut, aids victim, hooker, a "free" prostitute, everything you can imagine.

 

It got to the point that I left his house at the end of Febuary for about 3 weeks.

 

THIS IS WHERE I REALLY BEGIN TO NEED HELP!!

 

So when I was gone he got his first smartphone and started texting me on it, sending me pics of himself, and we were seeing eacother almost every day. We were hooking up, crying, kissing, and I felt like we were't broken up even though I kept saying we were just friends and I didn't know if I wanted to be with him or not. I mean we were hooking up and talking about our future and I was sleeping over almost every night again, I was just saying that stuff so we didn't jump right full force back like nothing happened. The whole time I was moved out he was looking for apartments for us to move into locally and told me every day how he wanted me to move in and be with him forever.

 

One day I just got this weird feeling that something wasn't right though. For some reason he didn't answer me much. I just got a bad feeling.

 

At this point it had been about 3 weeks since I "moved out" and I was basically moved back in.

 

I went through his phone and found him texting some girl about me. He saved her in his phone as E. He was complaining about me, telling her all of our business, and it really shook me. She was also giving him some advice about me and talking about her relationship but I felt like he was cheating on me with her. He even asked her to go on walks together and smoke weed! But he was talking about me which made me feel better. the end of their texts even had him saying I was making plans with him and when she asked if he was happy he said "of course im happy, I love her." and she said " well then I'm happy for you and wish you the best"

 

He told me our weed dealer gave him her number because she has weed when he doesn't. I didn't beleive him and I asked our weed dealer. He told me he didn't give him any number.

 

My heart sank.

 

I ended up texting the girl myself and asking her what happened and how they met. She said she missed the bus one day and he picked her up and he was looking for weed. She said he was a "perfect gentleman", that they didn't even hug never mind touch, that he talked about me the whole time and how we were meant to be, and she said he really loves me. She said they smoked once and that was it.

 

I didn't know what to think. Then she texted his phone 2 seconds later telling him how I texted her. A woman texting my man? I don't think that appropriate and it was sketchy. I was reading all the texts, but he immediately told her I was there. She then just started talking about how she just answered me and told me the truth that they just hungout and nothing happened between them.

 

I felt better, but not totally. There were other things going on with my snooping.

 

Another huge red flag was I found he had downloaded kik on his phone. That's something he knew I used when I cheated on him. He made an account and he signed into it when I confronted him about kik. He said he didn't know how it worked and that he made it when we were fighting and he thought I was doing the same thing. He said he never talked to anyone on it and let me look at it. He said he thought he deleted the account when he deleted the app. I have signed into it since behind his back and found no new messages from anyone. But this REALLY made me panic.

 

So I kept searching, I needed to know if I was in danger of getting STI's and if I was wasting my time on a relationship that was not going to work out.

 

He made me really upset when I really though back about him looking at apartments. When I went to one of the places I realized how intimate the situation is. It's two people alone in an empty place. He was looking at places, with women realtors young and old the whole time. He even brought one up and said how she seemed really cool. When I saw her card I saw that she was a pretty 30 something woman. He mentioned that he boyfriend brought her to the listing to meet him. I felt like he said that so I wouldn't think something happened between them. I felt like he brought her up because they did have sex or something.

 

Another piece of info I want to share that worries me are the pictures he sent me. 2 were of his penis and he sent me other pics of his whole body. He said he deleted them but I felt weird about them. I searched on his computer and when into paint. In his recent pics he edited in paint it had files listed as "cock" "chest" "chin" "arms". When I went to click on them they were deleted! That means they went from his phone to his computer to paint.

 

I felt like something was definetly wrong, he has never lied to me before and now he had lied to me 3 times. He told me he kept them because he was trying to keep track of his body while working out and he just deleted them. I told him that his penis wouldn't change and asked him why he would have ever had that pic on his computer and he just brushed me off about it. There is a legit reason he mentioned but I don't beleive that's the reason why. (Him and I do erotic cam modeling and he said they were going to go on his profile.)

 

Another HUGE red flag to me is his body. He started working out right before I went home for a little while and now he's getting really hot. His body already changed so much and he is illegally taking Testosterone too because he thinks the opiates he has to take have lowered his Testosterone. So his muscles seem to be bulking up literally overnight. He CONSTANTLY keeps talking about his body, how hot he is, asking what I think, asking me what he needs to work on. He even tells me about how I need to improve my body.

 

He actually went as far not once but twice to tell me how he is more attractive than me / hotter than me.

 

It's driving me crazy. I am working on my body but I already had gotten a bit out of shape and I now feel disgusting and insecure.

 

When we go out I now catch him looking at other women. He did before but I didn't care as much or feel as bad about myself so it didn't phase me. Now it throws me into a jealous rage in public.

 

It seems that either I didn't notice how often he does it and now that it bothers me I notice ever glance, or that he really is looking and lusting after other women.

 

Another issue is our sex life. Now we are having MARATHON sex. 2 hour sessions! and he cannot cum! This is unheard of for him! He used to be able to cum when I was barely able to take him and he would have to uncomfortably penetrate me! Now he can't finish most of the time with full force!! He never cums from oral from me either.

 

He tells me it's the opiates and that getting himself off is easier since he started taking Hydromorphone. I find him jerking off ALL THE TIME behind my back. I used to not care about that either but now it really bothers me.

 

I felt like before I wasn't giving him what he needed, so if I couldn't take him inside me and he couldn't cum from oral that day I felt porn was a way better option to get him to cum than cheating on me.

 

But now that I am actively seeking to have sex and am willing to do whatever it takes to get him off and he still chooses to jerk off behind my back it hurts and bothers me a lot.

 

I feel myself getting jealous and mad every time I need to do something now like work or even take a shower because I feel like he's in his room jerking off to other people and lusting after them and wishing he was with them instead of me.

 

It's also the porn he watches that bothers me. He even admitted recently that he find regular cross dressers who aren't transgender or using hormones aka just men in women's clothes sexually attractive as well as "twinky boys". The most hurtful is when he told me he finds regular young women the most attractive, more than transexuals. Which means more than me.

 

When we first met all he would watch was transsexual porn and he would always tell me that's what he always watched and found the most attractive. He still does but the other comments and this new found attraction makes me uncomfortable. Obviously. Ill never be a cross dresser since my body has changed so much from hormones, and I also will never have a perfect cis female body that he seems to be lusting after.

 

I am really insecure about him being a cam model, even though I am as well. I feel like it has made his ego SWELL to have people paying him to see his body and get off for them. I have been doing modeling for longer than him but it still makes me jealous and upset to have other women and men paying to see MY man naked and get off without me even being involved. The worst part is he hasn't even really started working yet. But we are planning on moving to california and he will be working all the time soon, starting literally today

 

Lastly is his internet browsing history, cookies, cache. When going through it I have found match.com and ashleymadison.com in the cookies. Although he claims and I beleive he doesn't have an account and that the cookies were generated while looking at porn sites / the torrent sites we use it still was shocking. Also when he signed on his facebook one of his google adsense advertisements was for Zoosk.com and the ads were centered around dating sites. Now the google adsense ads have literally come up before just like that on facebook with ads for the EXACT household items, shoes, handbags, Jewlery, and websites ETC. I have looked at previously. I feel in my heart zoosk was coming up because he was looking at dating websites and maybe even was ok zoosk.

 

He also had a facebook on and off for the past year and he didn't even put he was in a relationship.

 

He even admitted to me that when we were on a short break before he was "looking" at dating websites but never made a profile. It's funny now because our whole relationship from the begining he was randomly accusing me of cheating or talking to other people when I never was. Now I feel like he was actually doing it the whole time behind my back. I just beleived in him and trusted him and never snooped or questioned his love, faithfulness before.

 

Wow looking back this post is GIANT, I am so sorry for going on and on... I just needed to vent and tell everything to someone.

 

So knowing all of this now what can I do?

 

I feel so insecure all the time, im going crazy every day, I am now driving him crazy. He always says he loves me all the time, that he never cheated, that he never would, that if he wanted to he would never chase after me or be talking about a future / looking for places for us to live together and that he would in fact break up with me and have sex with whoever he wanted.

 

I don't know what to think, please give me advice and help me not go totally crazy... I fear at this point I am almost there

Edited April 18, 2015 by janedoexo

[Hope Shimmers]

Is there any way you can post a cliff notes version?

[velvette]

I think you both need to see a counselor, but you can only control what you do.

 

 

A lot of issues here and there seem to be as many underlying personal issues for both of you as there are issues within your relationship.

 

 

This chaos is not what healthy love looks like.

 

 

Is this really the way you want to spend your life? Its sad for anyone to be in a R that's such a mess, but you are so young. At 22 you should be enjoying life, exploring new things, etc.

 

 

I think talking to a counselor might help you gain some clarity.

 

 

I definitely would not move away with this man and leave my existing support network when there is this much chaos in your R.

 

 

Sounds like the two of you need to separate, get some counseling to work on your individual issues and then assess whether or not you can and even want to salvage this relationship.

 

 

Truthfully, I think you should just walk away from it and start over. Get yourself in counseling and then look for a healthier relationship.

[janedoexo]

I think you both need to see a counselor, but you can only control what you do.

 

 

A lot of issues here and there seem to be as many underlying personal issues for both of you as there are issues within your relationship.

 

 

This chaos is not what healthy love looks like.

 

 

Is this really the way you want to spend your life? Its sad for anyone to be in a R that's such a mess, but you are so young. At 22 you should be enjoying life, exploring new things, etc.

 

 

I think talking to a counselor might help you gain some clarity.

 

 

I definitely would not move away with this man and leave my existing support network when there is this much chaos in your R.

 

 

Sounds like the two of you need to separate, get some counseling to work on your individual issues and then assess whether or not you can and even want to salvage this relationship.

 

 

Truthfully, I think you should just walk away from it and start over. Get yourself in counseling and then look for a healthier relationship.

 

Thank you velvette for your reply. I know on paper this all looks really bad, and it is, but there is a lot of love / respect / happiness that wasn't included in this post. This is literally ALL of our dirty laundry and the worst parts of our relationship condensed into one huge rant.

 

He has basically taken care of me for the past almost 3 years. In every way.

 

I feel like the relationship is worth salvaging and is worth any type of work to make it succeed. Because when things are good they truly are magical.

 

I also know that I drive him crazy. A lot. Because I am pretty unstable in almost every way.

 

We have spent so much time together as well. He even recently said that it's really been like we have been together for 10 years in this condensed 2 1/2 year relationship. We have been in the same room together in his house without leaving the actual house for almost 3 weeks at some points. Maybe even more. On top of that we barely do anything without eachother.

 

Since this all happened I have been in his room with him for almost 4 weeks straight.

[inuyoshi]

maybe he his in a revenge affair?

[velvette]

Thank you velvette for your reply. I know on paper this all looks really bad, and it is, but there is a lot of love / respect / happiness that wasn't included in this post. This is literally ALL of our dirty laundry and the worst parts of our relationship condensed into one huge rant.

 

He has basically taken care of me for the past almost 3 years. In every way.

 

I feel like the relationship is worth salvaging and is worth any type of work to make it succeed. Because when things are good they truly are magical.

 

I also know that I drive him crazy. A lot. Because I am pretty unstable in almost every way.

 

We have spent so much time together as well. He even recently said that it's really been like we have been together for 10 years in this condensed 2 1/2 year relationship. We have been in the same room together in his house without leaving the actual house for almost 3 weeks at some points. Maybe even more. On top of that we barely do anything without eachother.

 

Since this all happened I have been in his room with him for almost 4 weeks straight.

 

 

Most everyone who is here with whatever problem they are discussing in their relationship could say the same thing. Almost all relationships start out happy and with a lot of love whether or not its a healthy version of love depends. That is not enough and its also past not present.

 

 

A R where you spend 4 weeks in a room together is not healthy imo.

 

 

But, if you want to try to salvage it and you say you have issues that apparently you are unable to resolve yourself, then the smart thing to do is leave the room and go by yourself to counseling. Don't you have a counselor from going through the transgender conversion process? Sorry if that's the wrong terminology, but I don't know anything about this issue.

 

 

Its great he was there for you when you needed support. Don't mistake that or let that hold you in a relationship that may have run its course.

 

 

Get some professional help. Get out of that room. Stop being joined totally at the hip to him and see where things go.

 

 

If he has issues, ask him to go to counseling too. Then consider joint relationship counseling to work through all the other stuff.

 

 

And, both of you need to stop cheating or thinking about cheating when things aren't going well.

 

 

This cant possibly be the kind of relationship you want is it? Holed up in a room with someone because why?

 

 

Lastly, as I said, I don know anything about transgender issues, but as you were describing your sex life, the first thing that came to mind is that your boyfriend is gay but unwilling to admit that. His sexual preferences seem a bit unusual, but again I don't really understand why straight men would prefer cross dressing or male pre transition transgender folks.

 

 

Perhaps you could find better support on a transgender site? I haven't heard anyone here discussing that issue.

 

 

All that said, if cheating is the real issue, then read up and you will see what happens and all the manifestations of people cheating here.