The Details

[Ironpyrites]

They say the devil is in the detail, can I ask wronged partners how much detail they asked or gained from their partners infidelity. I have dates, exact times (using Google location history) plus all the sexual acts the did together. Did you insist on this ? Do you think its relevant ? I personally do as it indicates the intensity of the relationship? For instance a quick act in a private place at work or in a car differs from a meal out and whole night in a hotel together imo. What do you reckon?

[minimariah]

at 1st, i wanted to know EVERYTHING! who, when, how, where, what positions, how long, how passionate... i felt this morbid need to know everything, like a morbid curiosity. it's really interesting - it's like watching a car crash or some other fatal accident happen but for some reason, you just can't look away.

 

BUT... i resisted it. never asked anything, we divorced so eventually - i lost all interest. i just assumed the worst case scenario and acted like that happened, it helped me move on.

[I_Give_Up67]

at 1st, i wanted to know EVERYTHING! who, when, how, where, what positions, how long, how passionate... i felt this morbid need to know everything, like a morbid curiosity. it's really interesting - it's like watching a car crash or some other fatal accident happen but for some reason, you just can't look away.

 

BUT... i resisted it. never asked anything, we divorced so eventually - i lost all interest. i just assumed the worst case scenario and acted like that happened, it helped me move on.

 

 

 

I agree completely^^^^

 

 

For me, the fact that it happened was enough, didn't want to know or need to know the details.

 

Though I suppose had I chose to forgive and tried for reconciliation, I may have sought the details. But the fact that I was betrayed at all was a deal breaker.

[Lion Heart]

They say the devil is in the detail, can I ask wronged partners how much detail they asked or gained from their partners infidelity. I have dates, exact times (using Google location history) plus all the sexual acts the did together. Did you insist on this ? Do you think its relevant ? I personally do as it indicates the intensity of the relationship? For instance a quick act in a private place at work or in a car differs from a meal out and whole night in a hotel together imo. What do you reckon?

 

Iron, I'm a "serial BW", yeah my second time on the spousal infidelity train. Lucky me.

 

It's totally up to an individual's personality here on these questions. I'm a person that wants every sordid detail. I want to know EXACTLY THE TYPE OF PERSON I married!

With ExWH it was pretty straight forward 2 x ONS But I picked up my baby DD and moved over an hour away asap.

This WH (yeah I sure can pick 'em) was / is a different kettle of fish.

 

In both cases I wanted everything they had. I knew then b4 LS and know that I'm NEVER gonna get the whole story but I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie. That's me. I'm honest. I expect and demand honesty. TBH it helps me make my verdict! But I must add there were children involved in both these cases.

 

The very first evidence I had of previous bfs who were unfaithful, I couldn't care any LESS for the details whatsoever. I KNEW so I was outta there brother!

 

What I'm trying to say is its COMPLETELY UP TO YOU!

 

I'm about to go to a party of a girl I share an office with. She's married to one of my school buddies. She told me that if I ever found out her H was cheating, she would NEVER want to know! Wtf. Oh well its her life. Her choice. I said she'd know because if I found out, he'd more than likely be minus a member when he arrived home. I'm gonna have "the talk" with him tonight. Yes he'll laugh but as we have a "cousin" type relationship, he's gonna hear it.

 

Good luck. This is NEVER an easy time for a betrayed spouse. We're here for you but circle the wagons with your friends and family. It's too hard to go through this alone.

 

Lion Heart.

[minimariah]

Though I suppose had I chose to forgive and tried for reconciliation, I may have sought the details. But the fact that I was betrayed at all was a deal breaker.

 

same here. if we reconciled... yeah, i would probably want to know everything and i mean... EVERYTHING.

 

but as soon as i found out, as soon as he confessed i was out of there. so there was no need for details either.

 

but it is weird because i was curious as hell! it's like you KNOW you'll be hurt knowing the details but you just have this need to see, read and go through everything. it's masochistic, really.

 

when you get over the person & the situation, suddenly it's just not interesting anymore. lol.

[Friskyone4u]

Iron,

Every person is different so your question really has no right or wrong answer.

I think details of the length it was going on ARE important even if maybe details of specific sex acts are not for you. Women are USUALLY emotionally involved with OM even before the sex begins and if it is an ongoing thing no contact becomes a more difficult thing to get compliance on .

The more details you find out the bigger the chance that something you find out is going to "haunt" you. But it is better to find out too much than too little because one emails are deleted or evidence destroyed then you can never get the truth confirmed as you pAss from shock to anger to possible acceptance of what happened.

You need to do your own soul searching to know what you really want and need to know . Be truthful to yourself and do not let your WS determine this .

[Ironpyrites]

Iron, I'm a "serial BW", yeah my second time on the spousal infidelity train. Lucky me.

 

It's totally up to an individual's personality here on these questions. I'm a person that wants every sordid detail. I want to know EXACTLY THE TYPE OF PERSON I married!

With ExWH it was pretty straight forward 2 x ONS But I picked up my baby DD and moved over an hour away asap.

This WH (yeah I sure can pick 'em) was / is a different kettle of fish.

 

In both cases I wanted everything they had. I knew then b4 LS and know that I'm NEVER gonna get the whole story but I'd rather be slapped in the face with the truth than kissed with a lie. That's me. I'm honest. I expect and demand honesty. TBH it helps me make my verdict! But I must add there were children involved in both these cases.

 

The very first evidence I had of previous bfs who were unfaithful, I couldn't care any LESS for the details whatsoever. I KNEW so I was outta there brother!

 

What I'm trying to say is its COMPLETELY UP TO YOU!

 

I'm about to go to a party of a girl I share an office with. She's married to one of my school buddies. She told me that if I ever found out her H was cheating, she would NEVER want to know! Wtf. Oh well its her life. Her choice. I said she'd know because if I found out, he'd more than likely be minus a member when he arrived home. I'm gonna have "the talk" with him tonight. Yes he'll laugh but as we have a "cousin" type relationship, he's gonna hear it.

 

Good luck. This is NEVER an easy time for a betrayed spouse. We're here for you but circle the wagons with your friends and family. It's too hard to go through this alone.

 

Lion Heart.

 

I'm same as you Lion I have to know everything, I can take it though I'm a big boy. I'm not concerned if he was better then me because I know he was not, I know some may be thinking that "Yeah that's what she told you mate don't believe it" but due to the fact he is nearly sixty years old he had trouble keeping it up though I suspect he had some chemical help as well. My wife even tried to cowgirl him but apparently he came up a little short and limp and is was a fail. It was at this point he got embarrassed and proclaimed he wished he was 20 years younger. He also used to get upset and jealous when he asked about me and my wife sex life. The f*!king cheek eh? I've always pretty much been on my own I have no close family and couldn't count on them anyway and I guess I've lost touch with most my close friends as time and circumstance moves you away from one another. I always thought my wife was my best friend.

[minimariah]

you know, in situations like these i really think that ignorance is bliss.

knowing things... details, seeing just how serious or deep it was? it might just ruin your chances of reconciliation.

[I_Give_Up67]

I always thought my wife was my best friend.

 

 

 

Do you know if she felt the same way previous to her A?

 

Knowing the details as you have them, how have you dealt with mental movies of her and her AP? Do you believe in the long term you can truly move past the images and really forgive her?

[LifeWasted]

I never wanted to know.

 

All I need to know is she enjoyed it enough to destroy our relationship. That's all the information I need.

[Ironpyrites]

you know, in situations like these i really think that ignorance is bliss.

knowing things... details, seeing just how serious or deep it was? it might just ruin your chances of reconciliation.

 

I respect your perceptive minimariah and if that works for you fair enough. Unfortunately I have a very vivid imagination and if I didn't know I would and have made it much worse in my head.

[LifeWasted]

I respect your perceptive minimariah and if that works for you fair enough. Unfortunately I have a very vivid imagination and if I didn't know I would and have made it much worse in my head.

 

Then if you have decided you need the details, why are you asking us? Don't come down on minimariah just because she doesn't feel the way you do.

 

Set a course and follow through.

[Ironpyrites]

Do you know if she felt the same way previous to her A?

 

Knowing the details as you have them, how have you dealt with mental movies of her and her AP? Do you believe in the long term you can truly move past the images and really forgive her?

Funnily enough we are at this very moment going through the details of what she did as we are about to email his wife with them. I have my faults and deficits but if there was ever a time me and my wife connected it was in the bedroom. She has admitted that the sex was more about a reward for him than a need in her. I posted a response to lion heart that explains some of it.

[Ironpyrites]

Then if you have decided you need the details, why are you asking us? Don't come down on minimariah just because she doesn't feel the way you do.

 

Set a course and follow through.

 

I'm asking for your opinions and perspective tbh. I mean no disrespect to minimariah and apologise if that's how it looks. I am just genuinely interested it how other people have approached things.

[LifeWasted]

Funnily enough we are at this very moment going through the details of what she did as we are about to email his wife with them. I have my faults and deficits but if there was ever a time me and my wife connected it was in the bedroom. She has admitted that the sex was more about a reward for him than a need in her. I posted a response to lion heart that explains some of it.

 

We all have our faults and deficits!!! All of us.

 

Your deficits didn't give your wife the green light to go and throw her vows away and cheat on you. What the hell do your faults have to do with her actions?

[minimariah]

it's okay, OP.

 

i know you're going through some rough times right now... just, my advice to you - be careful with your heart, okay?

 

if you want to know details, then that's it. sit down and ask her to tell you everything, since the moment she has met him to the very end. ask to see her messages, mails... how did they meet and what excuses did she give in order to meet up with him. also, why did she do it and what did she expect from it?

 

be careful not to downplay the importance of the A, if you know what i mean. you have to be aware of the fact that she might try to sugarcoat things for you, she might be honest... but people are rarely FULLY honest about their feelings during an A, especially when they want to reconcile.

[Ironpyrites]

We all have our faults and deficits!!! All of us.

 

Your deficits didn't give your wife the green light to go and throw her vows away and cheat on you. What the hell do your faults have to do with her actions?

Your right of course, however following the advice of councillors they say that the wronged partner should look at possible causes or reason for the wayward behaviour regardless of how small they may appear. We went through IVF and it was a nightmare of hope and disappointment and in the end it just never happened.My wife wanted to try again but I couldn't go through with it any more but maybe didn't explain my reasons very well I just said I'm not doing it and didn't want to show weakness as it was just as hard for her. I got depressed and distant over it . Also in my twenties I had cancer and always believed that the chemo treatment had made me infertile it was only later we learned this was not the case. I should add that that is not really a small reason when I think about it. I am starting realise that there is no real one big reason but maybe many reason and motives for the affair. I very new to all this and perhaps not explaining myself very well.

Edited April 18, 2015 by Ironpyrites

[road]

Funnily enough we are at this very moment going through the details of what she did as we are about to email his wife with them. I have my faults and deficits but if there was ever a time me and my wife connected it was in the bedroom. She has admitted that the sex was more about a reward for him than a need in her. I posted a response to lion heart that explains some of it.

 

 

Many a BH will never rest without knowing the details. Thirty years later unanswered questions will still haunt the BH. Some do not want to know much. So to prevent the BH from hearing things that can never be unheard the BH is the one to control how much is told.

 

 

It is important that the OMW be told about the affair. Though to tell her things that your WW and OM could not do cow girl can be giving that BW too much information.

 

 

Send her proof of when the affair started, ended, all the times they met, and the offer to provide more information if she wants. Or at least send the detailed info in an enclosed envelop instructing her not to read if she does not want to know.

[aliveagain]

If your intention is to reconcile than no secrets can remain hidden from you including every shameful act they performed. Other man and your wife can not have secrets between them that are still hidden from you, there can be no secrets this destructive withheld if a marriage is to succeed. Have her write out a timeline of the affair with the understanding that she has one chance of telling you all the truth. If new information is learned at anytime later different than what she has disclosed in the timeline, divorce will be swift and final. Any truth withheld from you is your wife choosing to protect other man over protecting you. Get tested for all STD's and no unprotected sex until your sure that staying in the marriage is what you want. Too often we hear about an unexpected pregnancy after an affair.

 

Make sure you also send a package to her by a registered mail, one she has to sign for herself because we often hear about affair partners intercepting emails.

[lolablue17]

I think the need to know comes because of 3 main reasons:

 

1. The reflex to have total control, to compensate the lack of control you've experienced since D-day.

 

2. to punish your wife. or abetter ways to express it, to show her who is the master and who is the slave. Because when she had her affair she made you humiliated, Now you feel you need to humiliate back, as an instinct - And forcing her to be transparent is "some" humiliation.

 

3. To test her. To see how far would she go to please you, and is she willing to pay a price, to see if she resists.

[Mr. Lucky]

For instance a quick act in a private place at work or in a car differs from a meal out and whole night in a hotel together imo.

 

Assuming sex involved in both acts, why are they different? Haven't you been cheated on either way?

 

She has admitted that the sex was more about a reward for him than a need in her.

 

It's amazing how, during reconciliation, so few WS seem to have enjoyed the sex they so desperately pursued. Don't you think her admission falls in the category of telling you what you want to hear?

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

the details you need are a personal thing to you alone.

 

 

If you are ok with an open marriage, you probably need no details, other than a quick text late at night that she is ok.

 

 

If you are going to be obsessing about this for the next 10 years, playing mind movies over and over about every possibly sex act they did, the number of times, well you should demand a day by day written timeline, and any detail you later found out that was not revealed would be a deal breaker for any reconciliation.

 

 

Most people are somewhere in the middle of all that.

[velvette]

I think how many details you need depends on how you process information in general.

 

 

Some people process info intuitively and then drill down to the level of detail needed to support or debunk their intuition. Some people process info more analytically by stringing together each detail.

 

 

I don't agree that how/where they had sex or how many times necessarily tells you anything about the intensity of the relationship.

 

 

I had a lot of details before I confronted my H, based on the OW BS contacting me and on having access to his emails.

 

 

I only wanted details to make sense of what I already knew and the big picture of their R which by then was on a downward spiral. Also, to clarify times I felt I had been gaslighted.

 

 

I understand it matters to others, but I don't really get it. How many times they had sex or what positions wouldn't give me any useful information to decide on whether or not I wanted to reconcile with my husband.

[Ironpyrites]

Many a BH will never rest without knowing the details. Thirty years later unanswered questions will still haunt the BH. Some do not want to know much. So to prevent the BH from hearing things that can never be unheard the BH is the one to control how much is told.

 

 

It is important that the OMW be told about the affair. Though to tell her things that your WW and OM could not do cow girl can be giving that BW too much information.

 

 

Send her proof of when the affair started, ended, all the times they met, and the offer to provide more information if she wants. Or at least send the detailed info in an enclosed envelop instructing her not to read if she does not want to know.

 

Thanks, This seems like good advice to me I think we will do it this way.