I didn't deserve this!!!

[I4givehim]

It's a bad day. I'm feeling sad. I didn't deserve any of this. I was a good wife. Need some words of encouragement

[Mazerati]

It's a bad day. I'm feeling sad. I didn't deserve any of this. I was a good wife. Need some words of encouragement

 

YOU did not deserve it, you were a great wife!!!! This was a poor choice made by a selfish person. You are now doing what is necessary to ensure your happiness. It I always,darkest before the dawn.

You matter, and deserve better.

Look ahead for sunny days are coming despite the mud puddles stepped in.

 

Be strong!!!!! Because YOU are worth it.

 

Maz

[No Limit]

No, you didn't deserve it. You were a good wife indeed, but your husband wasn't a good husband so you lose too. It's the same with team games - one bad team mate is enough to bring down the rest. With affairs and marriages it is no different, hence why you have to be either very stupid or very selfish or both to ever get into one.

[I_Give_Up67]

Bad things happen to good people. No you certainly did not deserve or ask for any of this. Hold your head high because this is not any of your doing.

 

Stay strong and do not give up!

[HurtHusband]

Pick yourself up!! Most of us here have experienced what you feel right now!! Don't blame yourself! You are probably a totally awesome person! And no you don't deserve to have to deal with cheating and disrespect from your husband..

 

Your mental state is not tied to the actions of your husband.. It sucks.. But stay strong and healthy and you will get through it

[I4givehim]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The STBXH had picked up the kids and took them out to dinner. He asked if I would join them. I told him I don't want to give him any hope of reconciliation. He asked if we could go to MC. I said no. There has been so much pain, betrayal, & lies that I can't forget or forgive. I just want to go on with my life. He told me that I AM GOING TO DESTROYING THE CHILDREN, because I want a divorce. He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce. .... all I could do is laugh in his face. I just walked away and mumbled manipulation. The nerve he has blaming me for this. He is a piece of garbage. Was I that blind in love that I didn't see what an a** he is.

[BetrayedH]

It's a bad day. I'm feeling sad. I didn't deserve any of this. I was a good wife. Need some words of encouragement

 

Boy, I can relate to this. It sucks. I was a good husband and a good father and just plain didn't deserve this nonsense.

 

That and five bucks will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Life sucks and it ain't fair and you can thank your lovely husband for this particular sh*t sandwich.

 

If he's truly remorseful and you're truly forgiving, better days are ahead as you reconcile.

 

If you're missing either of those requirements and you wisely decide to divorce, better days are ahead.

 

If you're missing either of those requirements and you're reconciling anyway, stick around so we can continue beating you around the head and ears until you change your mind. And then better days are ahead.

 

Just don't stay in a hopeless situation for the sake of the kids or out of some sense of fear or some other nonsense. There is absolutely life after divorce. I had been with my wife for 18 years and was well into my 40s when Dday happened. For nearly 20 years I had been focused in one direction. Changing gears was tremendously difficult. But I did it and life improved. Now I'm glad to be out of that awful marriage and I'm with someone that just legitimately appreciates my presence. What a nice change.

 

Give yourself some time. Better days are coming.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The STBXH had picked up the kids and took them out to dinner. He asked if I would join them. I told him I don't want to give him any hope of reconciliation. He asked if we could go to MC. I said no. There has been so much pain, betrayal, & lies that I can't forget or forgive. I just want to go on with my life. He told me that I AM GOING TO DESTROYING THE CHILDREN, because I want a divorce. He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce. .... all I could do is laugh in his face. I just walked away and mumbled manipulation. The nerve he has blaming me for this. He is a piece of garbage. Was I that blind in love that I didn't see what an a** he is.

 

Lol. Yes, it's you that's destroying the children.

 

Nice of him to give you some clarity about exactly why MC would be a waste of money.

[Spark1111]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The STBXH had picked up the kids and took them out to dinner. He asked if I would join them. I told him I don't want to give him any hope of reconciliation. He asked if we could go to MC. I said no. There has been so much pain, betrayal, & lies that I can't forget or forgive. I just want to go on with my life. He told me that I AM GOING TO DESTROYING THE CHILDREN, because I want a divorce. He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce. .... all I could do is laugh in his face. I just walked away and mumbled manipulation. The nerve he has blaming me for this. He is a piece of garbage. Was I that blind in love that I didn't see what an a** he is.

 

Actually he destroyed the family when he CHOSE to have an affair with someone else; when he CHOSE to lie, betray, and cheat on you. Did he think of the children, the marriage, the family, the first, second or third time he had sex with his AP and lied...to ALL of you?

 

If he insists on telling the children anything that disparages you, YOU will have no choice but to tell THEM your side of the story. you DON'T WANT to, but you will not allow him to skew the truth and paint you the villain.....

 

YOU are the victim here....You stayed faithful while he fire bombed your love, your life, the family.....Jeez, hope it was worth it. Remind him, quietly and calmly

 

Ask him why he never sought MC before he took a hundred steps to F another. You would have willingly gone then, before the trust was destroyed and the damage done.

 

Stay strong. Stay calm. I know you are in pain, but someone has to be the adult here. Don't get crazy ( in front of him or the kids) don't get vengeful.

 

Are you in IC? You need to be....use that venue to vent, cry, and go crazy all you need to.

 

stick to your guns. YOU can do this.

[lisbon67]

Hi 14...

big support from us all here...I found this quote the other day and saved it onto my phone as I thought it helpful....I've also saved lots of sound advice from BetrayedH, Lionheart, Lifewasted and others on here...they're advice is absolutely sound....I would take inspiration from them...and I am a LS newbie going through Dday and divorce myself only since last month...keep the faith !

 

"When you identify your higher self, you’re much less likely to play out past damage with other people. Your higher self just wants to start new. Your higher self wants to take a deep breath and embark on a new adventure.

 

My advice? Feel your pain. Feel the trouble you’ve had in your life. But find your happiness too. See the world clearly. Identify your higher self."

[Friskyone4u]

14

You are not the bad guy here. Do not accept it . And thenchimdrennare NOT destroyed . Two parents who are great divorced parents are better than a disfunctional home with one parent being an unfaithful spouse. Don't let him "'brainwash" the kids . Millions of kids from divorced homes come out fine.

Whatever marital problems you had do not justify what he has done.

Stay strong and it will get better

[Lion Heart]

Dearest Idont4givehim,

 

Please refer to the children's version of WHAT NOT TO DO AFTER YOU TELL YOUR WIFE about your A, written by my children: point number 11.

 

It reads "Don't worry that people will think you're the bad guy if you leave. We already know you're the bad guy".

 

Sweetheart, the kids ALREADY KNOW WHO THE BAD GUY IS!!!!

 

Have faith in your beautiful children. Have faith in the fact that you have always been faithful to them. You are human, they've seen your sadness. Children are smart. Reinforce their intuition and just plainly never lie to them. They've worked it out already.

Tell WH to "sit on this and rotate! "

 

I am SOOOOOOO GLAD you came to LS to get some sympathy because so few people get you. We sure as he** do!

 

Can I give you a tip? No? Too bad. Here it is: when my previous WH came to pick up MY DD, I always ALWAYS ALWAYS made plans. I'd be all dressed up to the nines. I went the whole hog!

I'd be in a "desperate hurry" and followed them out the door. Even if it was only having coffee at my gfs house! You could even get an hour in at the gym but GO in your high heels and change when you get there. A flushed red face on you? Not him for once?

 

The best revenge? ??? Yeah from the wisest (not I)

The BEST revenge is to live a GOOD life.

 

Live it.

Plan it.

I know, I know, you don't want to go anywhere.

I don't care!

Live your BEST, VERY VERY BEST LIFE!

NOW.

TODAY.

THIS SECOND.

 

Do it because your very precious future self is gonna thank you for it.

 

Lion Heart.

[truncated]

It sounds like you are doing your very best to keep things stable and amicable between you and your soon to be ex-husband, in spite of how much pa you are in. You are handling things as calmly as you possibly can.

 

Meanwhile, your ex, who is the one who caused all of this by his behavior, has the nerve to blame you for hurting the kids?

 

What comes around goes around, and one day, when the dust has settled and you look back, you'll realize that you are better off without your ex.

[elaine567]

 

What comes around goes around, and one day, when the dust has settled and you look back, you'll realize that you are better off without your ex.

 

I don't think she needs to wait that long, the dust is still in the air and she already knows she is better off without him, as do we all here...

 

Keep the faith.

[truncated]

I don't think she needs to wait that long, the dust is still in the air and she already knows she is better off without him, as do we all here...

 

Keep the faith.

 

 

True enough.

 

Spring is here ( finally) and it's time for new beginnings, both in the nature and in the op's heart

[dichotomy]

When I was in the second round of marriage therapy, after many months of getting to know us, the female therapist turned to my wife and said "you have a great husband, one many women would love to have, you need to get your ass in gear"... (Paraphrasing last part).

 

I think sometimes bad spouses (cheaters, lack of sex, etc), can twist us up...especially if your a good person your willing to question yourself "well maybe, kinda sorta, I could have been better and that would have made my spouse treat me better, maybe I ..."

 

Bull****.

 

 

But the second part after you understand and believe in yourself - is to struggle with the "I did not derive this then....I derived to be treated well, and you treated me poorly and I wont accept this in my life"

 

I think this is all you need to tell your children as well - A very strong message.

[CarrieT]

]

If he insists on telling the children anything that disparages you, YOU will have no choice but to tell THEM your side of the story. you DON'T WANT to, but you will not allow him to skew the truth and paint you the villain.....

I actually disagree with this. By telling the children, the OP is setting up the children in the center - where they do not belong - and having to make judgments that children should not have to make.

 

I do not know how old the children are and that would be a factor, but I ere on the side of explaining nothing other than their parents simply don't agree and they will understand more when they are adults.

 

By forcing them to listen to both sides of an adult problem, it will put them in conflict with both parents. By taking a higher ground and explaining that bad-mouthing is wrong on all fronts, you could continue to raise your children by example.

 

It is not a children's responsibility to bear the brunt of a he-said/she-said scenario so I am all for keeping them out of it. If he starts to tell them stories, eventually they will learn the truth on their own.

 

Sadly, my own husband's Ex did this very thing; to 4, 7, and 8 year-olds. She was the one who started telling the children all these bad things that her husband did to her. Now that they are teenagers, they see their mother for the liar that she is and her façade of being the injured party has shown through.

[I4givehim]

Dearest Idont4givehim,

 

Please refer to the children's version of WHAT NOT TO DO AFTER YOU TELL YOUR WIFE about your A, written by my children: point number 11.

 

It reads "Don't worry that people will think you're the bad guy if you leave. We already know you're the bad guy".

 

Sweetheart, the kids ALREADY KNOW WHO THE BAD GUY IS!!!!

 

Have faith in your beautiful children. Have faith in the fact that you have always been faithful to them. You are human, they've seen your sadness. Children are smart. Reinforce their intuition and just plainly never lie to them. They've worked it out already.

Tell WH to "sit on this and rotate! "

 

I am SOOOOOOO GLAD you came to LS to get some sympathy because so few people get you. We sure as he** do!

 

Can I give you a tip? No? Too bad. Here it is: when my previous WH came to pick up MY DD, I always ALWAYS ALWAYS made plans. I'd be all dressed up to the nines. I went the whole hog!

I'd be in a "desperate hurry" and followed them out the door. Even if it was only having coffee at my gfs house! You could even get an hour in at the gym but GO in your high heels and change when you get there. A flushed red face on you? Not him for once?

 

The best revenge? ??? Yeah from the wisest (not I)

The BEST revenge is to live a GOOD life.

 

Live it.

Plan it.

I know, I know, you don't want to go anywhere.

I don't care!

Live your BEST, VERY VERY BEST LIFE!

NOW.

TODAY.

THIS SECOND.

 

Do it because your very precious future self is gonna thank you for it.

 

Lion Heart.

Lion Heart, I giggle at this because a couple of weekends ago he picked up the kids. When the kids were walking out the door I asked them to put my suite case in the trunk of my car. So, he would see that I was going away. As the kids were settling into their seats I rushed out, got in the car and drove away. Of course I was dressed to the 9's, just to add more salt to the wound. I could see him in the review mirror watching me wide eyed, mouth open as to say "where the heck is she going?"

It was a great feeling. It made me giggle all day long. If anybody else knew I did all that just to run to the grocery store they would think I was crazy. lol

Thanks for the advise.

[I4givehim]

When I was in the second round of marriage therapy, after many months of getting to know us, the female therapist turned to my wife and said "you have a great husband, one many women would love to have, you need to get your ass in gear"... (Paraphrasing last part).

 

I think sometimes bad spouses (cheaters, lack of sex, etc), can twist us up...especially if your a good person your willing to question yourself "well maybe, kinda sorta, I could have been better and that would have made my spouse treat me better, maybe I ..."

 

Bull****.

 

 

But the second part after you understand and believe in yourself - is to struggle with the "I did not derive this then....I derived to be treated well, and you treated me poorly and I wont accept this in my life"

 

I think this is all you need to tell your children as well - A very strong message.

 

I was saying that to myself this morning and then I snapped to it and said "YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG." I don't care if I am alone for the rest of my life I am NOT going back to him.He told me he will come after me for alimony. That was one of his tactics to scare me into taking him back. I am so angry I have to pay him. All because I worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads. I have to pay him till I RETIRE. Someone needs to change the law somewhere. UGH!!!

[sandylee1]

Thank you everyone. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The STBXH had picked up the kids and took them out to dinner. He asked if I would join them. I told him I don't want to give him any hope of reconciliation. He asked if we could go to MC. I said no. There has been so much pain, betrayal, & lies that I can't forget or forgive. I just want to go on with my life. He told me that I AM GOING TO DESTROYING THE CHILDREN, because I want a divorce. He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce. .... all I could do is laugh in his face. I just walked away and mumbled manipulation. The nerve he has blaming me for this. He is a piece of garbage. Was I that blind in love that I didn't see what an a** he is.

 

Then you can tell him that you'll let the kids know that Daddy had sex with another woman for a whole year, while mom was working 2 jobs and trying to make retirement comfortable . Not that you would actually say this to them. .........at least until they are much older.

 

You are a great wife, supporting the family as you've been. He's an ungrateful, selfish man, with no appreciation.

 

He doesnt deserve you. Keep any correspondence the OW sent you in case he denies all this in years to come. If he knows what's good for him, he better not try and tell the kids it's your fault.

 

Yes mom wants a divorce, because dad stepped out of the marriage and spent hard earned money on his OW. You no longer trust him and there's only one person to blame for that.

 

His comments would only make me determined to divorce. Actions have consequences. and he should know that.

[I4givehim]

As I read this I can't believe this is my life. If you had told me a year ago that this was going to happen to me, I would have said YOU ARE CRAZY, NO WAY...... What a difference a year makes huh..... I want to thank everyone for your advice. I feel like I'm all alone and then I get on LS and you all turn my frown upside down THANK YOU!!!

[Thicke2013]

I have found through my own divorce that silence speaks volumes. My exW likes to run her mouth a lot and spew a lot of untruth. At first I thought I was being the weak one by not defending myself and that she was brainwashing my children. Still, I stayed mostly quiet. Fast forward 2 years and my children now see that their mom is manipulative and truly lies a lot. Especially my 17 year old. At times its actually sad. You know, at first I wanted my children to see their mom for what she truly was and what I had endured for the past decade or more. Now, it hurts a little to see them realize that she isn't and wasn't the woman that they thought she was.

[I4givehim]

I have found through my own divorce that silence speaks volumes. My exW likes to run her mouth a lot and spew a lot of untruth. At first I thought I was being the weak one by not defending myself and that she was brainwashing my children. Still, I stayed mostly quiet. Fast forward 2 years and my children now see that their mom is manipulative and truly lies a lot. Especially my 17 year old. At times its actually sad. You know, at first I wanted my children to see their mom for what she truly was and what I had endured for the past decade or more. Now, it hurts a little to see them realize that she isn't and wasn't the woman that they thought she was.

 

I am trying to do just that, stay quiet. My children are no dummies. They know what I have done for my family and they know what he did. I should say what he didn't do for our family..... What doesn't come out in the wash will come out in the rinse cycle.

[No Limit]

He said he will tell the children that he isn't the one who wants a divorce.

 

Should the children proceed to ask you why you want a divorce, tell them the reason. It's only fair to them if their father wants to be purely honest with them.

[I4givehim]

Should the children proceed to ask you why you want a divorce, tell them the reason. It's only fair to them if their father wants to be purely honest with them.

When they ask I tell them to "ask their father"..... My two oldest children know but I don't think the 3 younger children are old enough to understand.