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She played behind my back. Is it my fault?


strongAce

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I just realized I posted this in the wrong section. Sorry

 

 

First of all, hello and thanks in advance to everyone. For my first post, I will like to talk about my wife's extra marital ventures. It's a little bit unique in the sense that I condoned a bit of it .

 

 

It all started by her asking me about my past sexual experiences. I told her about the one night stands, the threesome and wild nights with strippers; she loved hearing it all. I then asked her if she would ever have a threesome with me, she said yes, but only if it was another guy. I told her sure and asked if she had someone in mind, which she did and it was someone she would occasionally see at work. One day she text me and says that the aforementioned guy was in front of her, I told her to approach him but only if she knew for sure that is what she wanted and that if she did indeed approach him, she would have to be completely one hundred percent honest with me and him about everything. She then says she doesn't want to partake in that lifestyle and that we should leave it as just fantasies. By the way, we had dappled with having an open relationship, swinging and stuff like that, as well, but she then changed her mind.

 

Fast forward 3 months and I come to find out that this whole time she and that guy had been having a relationship. She says it never actually led to anything physical, but the sexting was there and she even went to his house once. I managed to retrieve some of the deleted messages, and found out that they had made plans to hang out and do "fun stuff".

 

Anyways, many of her friends says it is my fault I can see why someone would say that,but at the same time, the reason I was so open with her was because I truly thought we had an unbreakable bond.

 

I now am conflicte, part of me views it as cheating but I also blame myself. Now, I don't think I can trust her like before. I feel like a fool for trusting her to begin with.

 

I'm curious to hear what others think. Excuse the typos, as I am using my phone.

 

Thanks

Edited by strongAce
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You thought you had an agreement and boundaries. She ignored them and did as she pleased. So, unless the boundaries were NOT set and there was no discussion of communicating when something like this is being done, then she is clearly and unambiguously cheating on you.

 

This calls for one response, IMO: break up/divorce, depending on your status. She violated trust and hid it from you. Unless there is damn good reason to think this was a misunderstanding and that trust can be rebuilt - don't stay!

 

And she almost certainly had sex with him, but of course will deny it.

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You thought you had an agreement and boundaries. She ignored them and did as she pleased. So, unless the boundaries were NOT set and there was no discussion of communicating when something like this is being done, then she is clearly and unambiguously cheating on you.

 

This calls for one response, IMO: break up/divorce, depending on your status. She violated trust and hid it from you. Unless there is damn good reason to think this was a misunderstanding and that trust can be rebuilt - don't stay!

 

And she almost certainly had sex with him, but of course will deny it.

 

 

That exactly how I feel. I am just trying to be as fair as possibl. Believe me when I say that I repeatedly would set the boundaries. I would constantly remind her that this would just be a little adventure of ours and nothing else, and to be sure to be completely honest. There is no way that there was a misunderstanding, no way.

 

She knew fully what she was doing, hence why all the messages were immediately deleted. Also, once she told me she just wanted it to be a fantasy, I gave up on trying get to make my fantasies a reality. I basically didn't cross the line and pursue anyone else.

 

Thank you for your input. It helps to know that I am not being unreasonable

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Wondering33

It's called opening up the flood gates! It's very hard to put "boundaries" on having sex with other people. Most women aren't like men, they either connected with the guy before sex or gain some type of connection during. How can you be mad at her? It was your idea. If you can't handle it tell her that you'd like to stop this lifestyle, write it off as poor judgement on both sides & move on.

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Did it cross your mind that your wife was perhaps not that keen on your past sexual exploits as you thought she was, and that her going along with the threesome idea was for her a test of your relationship and that you in fact failed it by being willing to take the fantasy literally.

You were happy to see her being screwed by another man essentially and for some women in a committed relationship, that is just sooo wrong.

You dappling in your fantasies of an open relationship, swinging etc. may not have been well received by her in reality either.

She then perhaps used this other man to get her revenge on you.

 

Just something for you to ponder.

 

(Her quick 100% U-turn is the clue here.)

Edited by elaine567
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It's called opening up the flood gates! It's very hard to put "boundaries" on having sex with other people. Most women aren't like men, they either connected with the guy before sex or gain some type of connection during. How can you be mad at her? It was your idea. If you can't handle it tell her that you'd like to stop this lifestyle, write it off as poor judgement on both sides & move on.

 

Actually, I did tell her to stop, after she had gotten mad at me for reaching to an old female friend. I didn't even want anything to do with that friend of mine, but I told her that if she wanted me to stop talking to females, she would have to stop her flirting through instagram with that guy. She said she would, but obviously she didn't. This was all before I found out to what degree they had been engaged, before I found out about the texting and other stuff.

 

And she was the one who opened up the flood gates, but obviously, only to her benefit. I never dared tell her my past, but she kept insisting. It is almost like she set me up

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Did it cross your mind that your wife was perhaps not that keen on your past sexual exploits as you thought she was, and that her going along with the threesome idea was for her a test of your relationship and that you in fact failed it by being willing to take the fantasy literally.

You were happy to see her being screwed by another man essentially and for some women in a committed relationship, that is just sooo wrong.

You dappling in your fantasies of an open relationship, swinging etc. may not have been well received by her in reality either.

She then perhaps used this other man to get her revenge on you.

 

Just something for you to ponder.

 

(Her quick 100% U-turn is the clue here.)

 

 

Could very well be. But what a way to get me back.

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Wondering33
Actually, I did tell her to stop, after she had gotten mad at me for reaching to an old female friend. I didn't even want anything to do with that friend of mine, but I told her that if she wanted me to stop talking to females, she would have to stop her flirting through instagram with that guy. She said she would, but obviously she didn't. This was all before I found out to what degree they had been engaged, before I found out about the texting and other stuff.

 

And she was the one who opened up the flood gates, but obviously, only to her benefit. I never dared tell her my past, but she kept insisting. It is almost like she set me up

 

She asked about your past, that's normal for a wife to want to know. You brought up having the threesome, just because you had those in the past didn't mean you needed to ask to have one now. You did & she did use it to her benefit, most people would. If it's ok to watch your wife be pleasured by another man in front of your face but it's not ok to sext him, you're not thinking logically. You're trying to blame her for you asking for a threesome, dude...you set yourself up.

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She asked about your past, that's normal for a wife to want to know. You brought up having the threesome, just because you had those in the past didn't mean you needed to ask to have one now. You did & she did use it to her benefit, most people would. If it's ok to watch your wife be pleasured by another man in front of your face but it's not ok to sext him, you're not thinking logically. You're trying to blame her for you asking for a threesome, dude...you set yourself up.

 

 

I can see your point and I agree to certain extent. Hence why I am not looking for a divorce. I still think she did me wrong, but I don't consider it flat out cheating.

 

That is why I'm here, cause I'm trying to make sense of it all.

 

Thanks for the input

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I see a couple of people here view disclosing fantasies and past sexual experiences as a bad idea. I really don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. In fact, in could enhance a relationship, but only when both parties are mature enough to handle it.

 

I view it as healthy, but that's just me

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Did she start texting him after you discussed the threesome or before?

 

The one thing that stands out to me, is that she had someone in mind when it was suggested. If my H and I were to have such a discussion, I wouldn't have anyone already in mind at all.

 

I'm not jumping on the divorce talk, but try and make sure you have the truth.

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I_Give_Up67
I see a couple of people here view disclosing fantasies and past sexual experiences as a bad idea. I really don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. In fact, in could enhance a relationship, but only when both parties are mature enough to handle it.

 

I view it as healthy, but that's just me

 

In this case your WW was not mature enough to handle this. It seems that you are somewhat in denial to the damage this has caused and will likely continue to cause your marriage. You opened the door, now it's going to be difficult to close.

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Michelle ma Belle

OP, it would be interesting and helpful to know more regarding your ages and how long you've been married.

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I see a couple of people here view disclosing fantasies and past sexual experiences as a bad idea. I really don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. In fact, in could enhance a relationship, but only when both parties are mature enough to handle it.

 

I view it as healthy, but that's just me

 

I think you are viewing it from a position of perceived strength here, you are happy to divulge your past as most guys would be impressed. Loads of hot sex, ONSs, strippers, threesomes and wild times.

I am not saying that some women would not be impressed too, I grant you that, but some women will be appalled and that I guess has little to do with "maturity".

Your wife has in her mind, her image of you as her man, and whether that image can accommodate the thought of you f*cking strippers two at a time, depends very much on how she views you.

She pressed you for details, she may have thought you were going to be a low number guy, she may have been prepared for some LTRs or one or two ONSs, not loads of ONSs, threesomes and strippers. I don't know your wife, she may have been wildly turned on, I don't know, but you have to consider, she may hate your past, and is now very insecure.

I see you just texting an old female friend didn't go down well with her.

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Did she start texting him after you discussed the threesome or before?

 

The one thing that stands out to me, is that she had someone in mind when it was suggested. If my H and I were to have such a discussion, I wouldn't have anyone already in mind at all.

 

I'm not jumping on the divorce talk, but try and make sure you have the truth.

 

 

Very good question and a question that I ask myself as well. Now everything is shrouded in mystery, that is the worse part. It's not.so much jealousy, in fact, very little of it if at all, is jealousy. Now a bunch of questions arise. A whole bunch of uncertainty.

 

A therapist advised her not to open up and offer dedetails, because it could make things worse. But I have asked many times...

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OP, it would be interesting and helpful to know more regarding your ages and how long you've been married.

 

Early 30s and have been married for a little over a year now. Have been together 5 years

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Michelle ma Belle

We know YOUR sexual exploits prior to meeting her but what were hers?

 

Did she partake in such sexual activities like threesomes, open marriage etc. after you got together or was this already part of her lifestyle before she met you?

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We know YOUR sexual exploits prior to meeting her but what were hers?

 

Did she partake in such sexual activities like threesomes, open marriage etc. after you got together or was this already part of her lifestyle before she met you?

 

 

We actually never went ahead with any of the fantasie, or at least not as a couplE. Before me though, she says she never did anything that crazy. However, crazy being used subjectively to her convenience, because she did have an affair in her prior marriage. To me, that is crazier.

 

I guess I should have seen it coming

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Michelle ma Belle
We actually never went ahead with any of the fantasie, or at least not as a couplE. Before me though, she says she never did anything that crazy. However, crazy being used subjectively to her convenience, because she did have an affair in her prior marriage. To me, that is crazier.

 

I guess I should have seen it coming

 

Then I think you have your answer.

 

Sometimes people think they want to hear all about their partner's sexual exploits of the past. Sometimes hearing them can ignite passionate sex between the couple initially . They often make room for open discussions about fantasies that include such taboo sexual scenarios like open relationships and threesomes.

 

Unfortunately, more often than not, when the shine wears off in the light of day it looks and feels very different and not always in a good way.

 

The fact that you didn't engage in any of those fantasies TOGETHER despite discussing them for a long time for one reason or another should have been your first clue - she wasn't really into it. She might have thought she wanted to or could act on both of your fantasies but she always managed to change her mind.

 

Interesting that she was unfaithful in her previous marriage and now is tangled up with this other man while being married again. THIS seems more like her style. She's actually behaving kind of selfishly you ask me.

 

If you're not jealous about her being involved with another man then discuss having an open marriage that way you can go out and get what you want.

 

I don't know a whole lot about open relationships but what I do know or have come to learn from people in the know is that it takes a tremendous amount of trust and LOTS of honest communication and even more transparency for it to work.

 

It doesn't appear you have that with her.

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We actually never went ahead with any of the fantasie, or at least not as a couplE. Before me though, she says she never did anything that crazy. However, crazy being used subjectively to her convenience, because she did have an affair in her prior marriage. To me, that is crazier.

 

I guess I should have seen it coming

 

 

First of all I don't think this is your fault. Just because you suggested a threesome with your wife doesn't mean you forfeit the right to honesty and openness.

 

 

Secondly the fact that she cheated in a prior marriage sheds a whole new light on this situation. She apparently doesn't have a problem with being dishonest and disloyal.

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Chasing_mya

I think you were trying to accomodate her fantasy but wanted complete honesty which you thought you were receiving. She wasn't true to her words and had something going with this guy while making you think otherwise. She mislead you. I don't think you did anything wrong if there was suppose to be an 'understanding'. Some would say you opened a can of worms and perhaps you did but it doesn't change the fact that she lied and mislead you. She crossed lines and now you are left wondering what the heck happened. Is she still keeping in contact with this other guy?

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Gloria_Smellons

Fast forward 3 months and I come to find out that this whole time she and that guy had been having a relationship. She says it never actually led to anything physical, but the sexting was there and she even went to his house once. I managed to retrieve some of the deleted messages, and found out that they had made plans to hang out and do "fun stuff".

 

Anyways, many of her friends says it is my fault I can see why someone would say that,but at the same time, the reason I was so open with her was because I truly thought we had an unbreakable bond.

 

First thing is first, I am sorry you are here.

 

Secondly, I'm surprised at the flack you seem to be getting here. My views seem to differ from popular opinion.

 

She asked you about your past sex life correct? What are you supposed to do? Lie? Tell her nothing? When she asked such a loaded question she should've prepared herself to hear something she might not like. She is an adult, she could have stopped you at any time and said 'actually, I don't want to hear this'. But she asked and you told her, I don't think you can be at fault with these circumstances. Plus, she seemed to enjoy it according to you.

 

Then you asked her about considering a threesome. She could've said no - unless you were pressuring her into it - I don't see this as a bad thing either. If you cant discuss your fantasies in the confines of a serious relationship when the hell can you? You asked her a genuine question and assumed you got a genuine answer. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

 

Then it all seemed to go to pot. You should never have tried to set boundaries via text (if I've read your story right). That was something that should have been done face to face and if you were serious about the whole thing, you should have set out and agreed clearly defined rules way before even thinking about approaching another person.

 

Then she said she actually wanted to leave it as a fantasy, fair enough. People are entitled to change their mind and again, unless you applied any pressure here, that should've been the end of it.

 

Then it turns out they've been having a relationship anyway. How did you find out about the relationship, do you know exactly when it started as I think that could be an important detail here?

 

The fact is, no I don't think this is your fault. If somebody cheats that is their choice. There are no circumstances that give someone a ticket to cheat. There are always other options - discussion, counselling, separation etc. Even if she feels there are 'reasons' that she cheated (I.e. you did x, y and z) that provides context only, not an excuse.

 

She is in the wrong here, and she needs to acknowledge that if you are ever going to move forward.

 

It is going to be hard to trust her again, maybe you will never be able too, but do you want to try? The first thing you need to do is think about whether you want to attempt to rebuild the relationship. It will be difficult, or even impossible (the fact she cheated in her previous relationship is a red flag) but are you willing to give it a go?

 

Once you've decided that, then you can start thinking about what you need to be able to start to heal, whether it's full disclosure, counselling, some space or all of the above. As the guilty party she has to be prepared to do what you need (within reason of course) to start to build up the trust again.

 

I wish you strength in this difficult time.

 

P.S. In my honest opinion, if she went to his house, something physical happened, otherwise why go there at all?

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I think you were trying to accomodate her fantasy but wanted complete honesty which you thought you were receiving. She wasn't true to her words and had something going with this guy while making you think otherwise. She mislead you. I don't think you did anything wrong if there was suppose to be an 'understanding'. Some would say you opened a can of worms and perhaps you did but it doesn't change the fact that she lied and mislead you. She crossed lines and now you are left wondering what the heck happened. Is she still keeping in contact with this other guy?

 

You nailed it. Honestly, I was trying to accommodate her. Once she said that she wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle, I backed up and let the thought go.

 

She says she has cut all contact with him, but it is hard to say, since there are so many communication methods nowadays.

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First thing is first, I am sorry you are here.

 

Secondly, I'm surprised at the flack you seem to be getting here. My views seem to differ from popular opinion.

 

She asked you about your past sex life correct? What are you supposed to do? Lie? Tell her nothing? When she asked such a loaded question she should've prepared herself to hear something she might not like. She is an adult, she could have stopped you at any time and said 'actually, I don't want to hear this'. But she asked and you told her, I don't think you can be at fault with these circumstances. Plus, she seemed to enjoy it according to you.

 

Then you asked her about considering a threesome. She could've said no - unless you were pressuring her into it - I don't see this as a bad thing either. If you cant discuss your fantasies in the confines of a serious relationship when the hell can you? You asked her a genuine question and assumed you got a genuine answer. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

 

Then it all seemed to go to pot. You should never have tried to set boundaries via text (if I've read your story right). That was something that should have been done face to face and if you were serious about the whole thing, you should have set out and agreed clearly defined rules way before even thinking about approaching another person.

 

Then she said she actually wanted to leave it as a fantasy, fair enough. People are entitled to change their mind and again, unless you applied any pressure here, that should've been the end of it.

 

Then it turns out they've been having a relationship anyway. How did you find out about the relationship, do you know exactly when it started as I think that could be an important detail here?

 

The fact is, no I don't think this is your fault. If somebody cheats that is their choice. There are no circumstances that give someone a ticket to cheat. There are always other options - discussion, counselling, separation etc. Even if she feels there are 'reasons' that she cheated (I.e. you did x, y and z) that provides context only, not an excuse.

 

She is in the wrong here, and she needs to acknowledge that if you are ever going to move forward.

 

It is going to be hard to trust her again, maybe you will never be able too, but do you want to try? The first thing you need to do is think about whether you want to attempt to rebuild the relationship. It will be difficult, or even impossible (the fact she cheated in her previous relationship is a red flag) but are you willing to give it a go?

 

Once you've decided that, then you can start thinking about what you need to be able to start to heal, whether it's full disclosure, counselling, some space or all of the above. As the guilty party she has to be prepared to do what you need (within reason of course) to start to build up the trust again.

 

I wish you strength in this difficult time.

 

P.S. In my honest opinion, if she went to his house, something physical happened, otherwise why go there at all?

 

 

I have always been very hesitant when it comes to discussing my sexual exploits with partners, she was not different. In fact, not only would she ask me about my past, but she would constantly listen to swinger talk radio and put on porn movies, buy sex toys etc, all things that would indicate she was very comfortable with her sexuality. But it was never brought up by me.

 

I didn't set the boundaries through text ( I must have been vague in my writing) it was face to face (I did text her that one day when she encountered him, but we had already set boundaries beforehand. the text was just a reminder). I was extremely assertive about the whole situation being open and transparent.

 

I also never pressured her to do anything. In fact, I would constantly tell her to make sure to think it through and be completely sure she knew what she wanted, as I didn't want her to regret it after.

 

I want full disclosure, but as I stated earlier, the therapist we are seeing (couple's counseling) suggested the details be omitted.

 

Oh well... lets see what happens.

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Then I think you have your answer.

 

Sometimes people think they want to hear all about their partner's sexual exploits of the past. Sometimes hearing them can ignite passionate sex between the couple initially . They often make room for open discussions about fantasies that include such taboo sexual scenarios like open relationships and threesomes.

 

Unfortunately, more often than not, when the shine wears off in the light of day it looks and feels very different and not always in a good way.

 

The fact that you didn't engage in any of those fantasies TOGETHER despite discussing them for a long time for one reason or another should have been your first clue - she wasn't really into it. She might have thought she wanted to or could act on both of your fantasies but she always managed to change her mind.

 

Interesting that she was unfaithful in her previous marriage and now is tangled up with this other man while being married again. THIS seems more like her style. She's actually behaving kind of selfishly you ask me.

 

If you're not jealous about her being involved with another man then discuss having an open marriage that way you can go out and get what you want.

 

I don't know a whole lot about open relationships but what I do know or have come to learn from people in the know is that it takes a tremendous amount of trust and LOTS of honest communication and even more transparency for it to work.

 

It doesn't appear you have that with her.

 

 

She did act selfishly. She wanted her fun, but never had any intentions of fulfilling any of my fantasies.

 

She cannot stand me befriending females, but she constantly does males.

 

This makes all of her bad qualities stand out to me, but I have to remember that there is plenty that I love about her.

 

I just wish she hadn't acted so selfishly.

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