Can you forgive and make it work

[Nobodyimportant]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

[purplesorrow]

Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through. It is a pain like no other. Only you can decide if you can forgive and stay. You don't have to decide right now. Use this time to focus on you and your kids. You will need a lot of extra tlc.

[truncated]

Only you can decide this, and you don't need to decide anything right away.

 

Based on what you say, this may be a learned behavior for him, as his dad was also a cheater. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we pick up bad habits from our parents.

 

If you do decide to reconcile, I would highly recommend that he get therapy for himself, as well as marital counseling for the two of you. In his case, it sounds as if he had wanted to be faithful, but he may have some "family or origin" issues that he needs to address.

 

Where you two have kids, it's a good idea to think about whether or not you can live with what he has done and give your kids a happy home. If you feel that you can't, then give some very careful consideration to what your next steps will be.

[No Limit]

No, my self-esteem and pride would never allow me to belittle myself by accepting less than reasonable respect.

 

Get an attorney and prepare the divorce, you'd have to be mad to take someone back who has so little respect for you and your family that they'd invite their affair partner into your home. I'm betting our car they had sex in your shared bed too.

[flowergirl14]

First of All your username stinks! You are Somebody Very Important! You are important to yourself and your kids. You are not to blame! It is always the cheaters problem. If it was the marriage..then you could have or would have cheated too. Good for you kicking him out! Just know if you decide to Reconcile the Affair will alwsys be there. The pain can last for years and so does the trust issues. Honestly, the people on here that say divorce say it with good good reason. Its a long road. I stayed and now my husband is likely cheating again. Of course only you know what you want but there are no guarantees he wont keep up with this other woman or some other. Peace and strength to you.

[purplesorrow]

No, my self-esteem and pride would never allow me to belittle myself by accepting less than reasonable respect.

 

Get an attorney and prepare the divorce, you'd have to be mad to take someone back who has so little respect for you and your family that they'd invite their affair partner into your home. I'm betting our car they had sex in your shared bed too.

 

Plenty of people are able to maintain both self esteem and pride while reconciling. Staying takes strength just as leaving does.

[Spectre]

Don't stay with someone just for the kids. They can grow up happy and healthy even if you divorce. But if you stay with this cheater YOU will not be happy or healthy.

[No Limit]

Plenty of people are able to maintain both self esteem and pride while reconciling. Staying takes strength just as leaving does.

 

Not if they're "reconciling" with a rug-sweeping bastard/bitch who continues his/her affair now that he/she knows he/she was sloppy at hiding it.

[purplesorrow]

Not if they're "reconciling" with a rug-sweeping bastard/bitch who continues his/her affair now that he/she knows he/she was sloppy at hiding it.

 

Well that's not truly reconciliation is it?

[happyman64]

Nobodyimportant

 

Can you trust them again?

 

Maybe. If the wayward spouse is truly remorseful and commits to healthy boundaries them maybe he would be worth a shot at Reconciliation with....

 

But what is the rush?

 

I would put some condotions in place if he wants to come home?

 

A. He gets a good shrink to help him understand why he cheated. Especially if he is a product of a broken home.

 

B. He does an official No Contact with the OW.

 

C. He starts looking for a new place of employment. He cannot work with the OW.

 

D. If the OW is married you expose the affair to her significant other.

 

Ask him if he is with the OW why does he want to come back home?

 

For you, the marriage or the kids?

 

Get answers and continue to show him tough love.

 

You should get tested for std's and see an attorney to understand your rights. Your WH should get rested as well.

 

HM

[beach]

What does your gut tell you?

 

 

Personally I believe it's useful to keep the cheating spouse away for a long time - enough to be able to have space enough to think clearly.

 

Let him wait! You need time to sort it out. In the meantime file for divorce and temporary support money so he gets scared enough to consider being a decent person.

 

I'm sorry it hurts. Were there any signs you missed that indicated he was cheating? You may have a nicer life without a husband that cheats.

 

 

 

And for the record - she's no friend.

Edited April 12, 2015 by beach

[harrybrown]

Have you talked with a close family member, your Mom, a sister, a good female friend, or a counselor or a pastor?

 

You need some support, you are going thru a horrible time.

 

Expose to your friend's family, your H's family. where is he now?

 

Has he gone NC with her, or is he with her now?

[whichwayisup]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

 

DO NOT take him back, right now he's in panic mode and since you busted him, he's freaking out. Let reality happen for him, let him suffer the consequences, and IF he wants you back, he can prove to you he's worthy of that chance. If you allow him back right now he'll still be in contact with the OW and still be messed up.

[Syberia]

Personally, it would depend on the circumstances. If my wife ended the affair on her own, came to me about it, and was genuinely sorry, I'd probably be mad for a while, but I'd get over it. Everyone makes bad decisions now and then.

 

If I caught her in the act and she was actively trying to cover her tracks, most likely not. At that point, the trust would be gone.

 

Maybe that's a weird way to look at it, and maybe I'm completely wrong about what would actually happen if the situation ever presented itself, but that's how I feel right now.

[sandylee1]

You can forgive if your spouse is truly remorseful, but even then, it could be too painful to get over.

 

Is the OW married?

 

What consequences has she faced for her part in this?

 

Is he sorry he got caught or sorry he had the affair?

 

How did the affair start? Why exactly did he have the affair? What excuses is he coming up with? Is he trying to blame you in any way?

 

 

In order to heal, you need to see remorse from your H and I'm not sure if you have.*

 

 

These are some things that a WS should do for a successful reconciliation.

 

He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

 

Cut this woman out of your lives. Total NC.

 

He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

 

He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

 

He must feel your pain.

 

He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

 

He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

 

He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

 

He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

 

He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

 

He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

 

He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

 

He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

 

He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.He must be willing to seek counseling.

 

He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex.

 

Do you know the affair has ended?*

 

What consequences did he face?*I think as far as exposure to people doesn't affect you or the children, it can be helpful for support.

 

Did you tell his family?*

[fellini]

Its sad to hear this has passed. But there it is. You are going to hurt either way.

 

The question of reconciliation is probably much too soon.

 

It took me 3 months to begin to look at reconciliation in a serious way before I felt that it was in fact what I wanted.

 

The thing is, you have to want to reconcile with this man, not just reconcile the marriage.

 

If you think you do not want to be there to save this man, then don't bother to think about the marriage. A lot of people do not understand the difference.

 

He is out of the house. That's fine. I chose to keep my WS inside, and to work through the enormous amount of BULLSH-T that comes with an unfaithful spouse trying to minimize how much truth you get. It is a long process. Give yourself some X number of months to both recover and learn what went on.

 

A lot of what will come from his mouth will be half truths, no truths, faulty memories, twisted realities, blaming you, blaming her, blaming work, blaming the football team for losing. You need to get through this crap because it's part of the process. When you get to your date of decision, decide to continue or decide to leave. If you cannot decide, you aren't ready to decide, so don't.

 

you are now on a roller coaster in which you will have bad days, ugly days, and the worst days. Hopefully some hours of relative happiness. NORMAL.

 

You are now on a roller coaster of self reflection and doubt: prepare for the "stay-go" yo yo of being a Betrayed spouse. It's a long ride That one. Focus on the time line.

 

Happy to answer any questions about my personal experience reconciling with ny WW after 15 years of marriage and a 8 year old daughter. We are still together coming up to year 2.

[Furious]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

 

When a cheater brings it into your own home, into your space, it's the worst of the worst kind of betrayal. Your home is your safe place. The fact that your husband and OW conducted their cheating in your home shows that they derived pleasure in defiling your dignity.

 

The trigger of being in your home must be excruciating. Somethings are unforgivable, at this point focus on yourself, listen to your gut, it's the best inner voice you will ever hear.

 

Get rid of any furniture that triggers you and replace it, reclaim your home, or if possible get started on finding a new place to live.

 

Unfortunately, the hellish ride on the emotional roller coaster of betrayal has no quick remedy. Be good to yourself, feel what you feel and take it one day at a time. Reach out to friends and family for emotional support, get individual counselling if possible. At this time you're energy should be rebuilding your self esteem and not be concerned about trying to forgive something that has cut you to the core.

[fellini]

The fact that your husband and OW conducted their cheating in your home shows that they derived pleasure in defiling your dignity.

 

Expect these kinds of extreme analysis from a) people who do not know your husband and b)

People who were not waywards themselves, either projecting or making stuff up about what was going on.

 

Of course it's possible he "derived pleasure in defiling your dignity".

 

It's more probable he didn't care about you, your marriage even enough during these meetups, to derive pleasure from anything except his AP.

 

its just as probable he was not interested even in paying out motel fees. We simply do not know the why of anything. That's your job to find out what you think you need to know.

 

Of course getting over knowing they did it in your home is certainly going to be an issue.

[autumnnight]

The thing is, you have to want to reconcile with this man, not just reconcile the marriage.

 

This is very wise. And it is perfectly fine to NOT want to reconcile with this man. He betrayed you horribly. BUT, if you do not want him, do NOT stay married. Kids know. They know. And both of you will be miserable. There is nothing honorable about chosen misery.

[Furious]

Expect these kinds of extreme analysis from a) people who do not know your husband and b)

People who were not waywards themselves, either projecting or making stuff up about what was going on.

 

Of course it's possible he "derived pleasure in defiling your dignity".

 

It's more probable he didn't care about you, your marriage even enough during these meetups, to derive pleasure from anything except his AP.

 

its just as probable he was not interested even in paying out motel fees. We simply do not know the why of anything. That's your job to find out what you think you need to know.

 

Of course getting over knowing they did it in your home is certainly going to be an issue.

 

 

She caught them with their pants down in her own home. If that's not respecting her home and dignity what would you call it. Is she supposed gain empathy that they could not afford a motel room.

 

If anyone is projecting it is you. I only responded to facts the OP stated.

[Spectre]

Personally, it would depend on the circumstances. If my wife ended the affair on her own, came to me about it, and was genuinely sorry, I'd probably be mad for a while, but I'd get over it. Everyone makes bad decisions now and then.

 

If I caught her in the act and she was actively trying to cover her tracks, most likely not. At that point, the trust would be gone.

 

Maybe that's a weird way to look at it, and maybe I'm completely wrong about what would actually happen if the situation ever presented itself, but that's how I feel right now.

 

An affair isn't just a mere "bad decision" though. I find problems with this logic because yes them coming to you about the affair is better then you having to find out on your own. However, they are still..coming to you about a friggin affair. Honesty is super sweet, but loyalty, respect, and love are all much sweeter, and that is destroyed via an affair, whether you admit to it or are caught.

 

I see it like this: the trust should still be gone, because even though she admitted to the affair it still HAPPENED. You know what would earn my trust? If, before an affair even came close to happening, the woman came to me and said she was feeling tempted to stray, etc. and wanted to do whatever type of therapy needed to prevent this. THAT would earn my trust. Not if you come to me after you've already banged a dude. It's the difference between someone who thinks they are behaving like an adult and someone who actually IS behaving that way.

[beatcuff]

Then four weeks ago

 

OP it is WAY too early to make any decisions. the steps you take today will dictate the path that is chosen. the more measured your response the more doors that will stay open. ignore the angry responses in this thread as choices made with emotion are often wrong. YOU can always close those doors at a later date.

 

only you can make this decision and only you can answer the questions. and while some will say he has to do x and y, that is not any better a response than 'toss the bum out'. only you have the entire picture.

 

i do suggest the following: visit an attorney (at least you will know your rights), start IC (to help sort out which are the important questions and which are noise).

 

this will not be resolved overnight.

 

good luck.

[VeryBrokenMan]

I've been with my husband for 25 years I met him when I was sixteen we have two children which we adopted because we had troubles in conceiving natural so we have had our fair share of stresses in life....

Then four weeks ago I come home early from work my husband was off sick so I thought I would surprise him but I was the one in for a surprise... There was a friends car parked outside my house I went inside to my husband running upto me in his shorts asking why I'm home I walk into my living room to find this friend pulling up her pants ....... It turns out that they had been having an affair for a year and a half ...I am totally devastated I don't no what to do I have kicked him out and don't no whether this will be forever he says he is sorry and wants to come home but I can't get the images out of my mind I feel like such a loser ... My children have had such a rubbish start to life do I put them through a divorce as well or do I try again can you trust them again

He's own dad was a serial cheater and left his mum for another woman when he was only three he swore to me he would never do this to me because he has seen the pain that it causes I would off staked my life on that he wouldn't of betrayed me like this.

 

It is possible to forgive but it's going to take time. But forgiveness is for you and not him, it frees you of the pain and resentment regardless of whether you stay or go. And it takes months or years. Staying together as a couple depends on what he is willing to do to allow that to happen. There has been a lot of good advise given already so I won't repeat it.

 

But someone here gave me this advise: you have to take one day at a time and decide if what he's done that day is good enough and then commit to another day. Then you can go weeks at a time and then months. At this point the decision is yours to make and only you can decide what is right for you and your family.

[spanz1]

can you trust him again, after a few short weeks?

 

 

no

 

 

he has some really heavy lifting to do before you are going to begin to trust him again. and he has to show TRUE remorse too, or else you might be seeing just a fake reconciliation.

 

 

I would give it time. See if he can really maintain a no-contact with "your friend". See if he is being 105% totally honest with you. See if he gives you access to every phone/computer account.

[fellini]

You think you only responded to facts. The point is your response is entirely speculative.

 

You said, and I quote: "shows that they derived pleasure in defiling your dignity."

 

This is not the same as saying: "they defiled your dignity."

 

If you think the difference is subtle, so be it. The difference speaks volumes between character and fact, to me.

 

I refuse to project, that is the difference. I do not want to decide for OP what coming home and surprising her WS means about why he was doing it in their home. OP was not supposed to find them there. It wasn't meant to happen.

 

You have clearly told her exactly what it means and your choice of words claims he not only intended but enjoyed being caught with his pants down - and I think given that OP is considering reconciliation one should be a little more careful in mistaking OPINION for FACT.

 

Maybe the WH was having a typical affair. Maybe he did not DERIVE PLEASURE IN DEFILING his wife. Maybe he just thought he was going to get away with it.

 

 

She caught them with their pants down in her own home. If that's not respecting her home and dignity what would you call it. Is she supposed gain empathy that they could not afford a motel room.

 

If anyone is projecting it is you. I only responded to facts the OP stated.

Edited April 14, 2015 by fellini