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Giraffe2014

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Giraffe2014

And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

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And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

 

Soo, nothing has changed. You are still interacting with this other guy, your still double talking (example: affair has nothing to do with husband, then we have little to talk about something is wrong). Yeah something is wrong, you've been having unprotected sex with a cokehead and now your hiding in plain veiw of your husband for fear of giving him a clue that will put him on the trail. Next you will be telling us how your not sure you want to be married. Its all classic wayward behavior.

 

I really feel bad for your husband.

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Sad that your H has no idea he's in competition for his wife, and a wayward one at that. Ironically, he's won the competition with another man but now is competing against a fantasy.

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Giraffe2014

100% disagree with regard to the contact. We work in the same office, talking is inevitable if we happen to be in the same room. This happened only twice since the trip and was group talk, small talk, I’ve not spoken to him directly at all. Theres been no contact between us. This is over. The issue now is how I feel within me and towards my marriage. This is where I don’t know if I can ever get back on track. But I will try my hardest and I will walk away if I have to, no one else involved if I cant be a good decent wife. What I did is done and I need to mend my ways. My actions are on track, my mind lagging behind. I am far from out of the woods, this controlled me and like the other way round as I thought for many weeks. This is not how I want to feel, now or ever again.

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And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

 

You may have better luck in Other Man/ Other Woman thread, you'll find others that are still in affairs there, they may be able to help you with missing your affair partner and the adulterous sex crap. Your affair is still in the present because your still giving it priority over your marriage. You are still missing your other man, making your husband your what? You still have life changes secrets that your hiding from your husband, that means that you and other man take priority over him. Marriages with secrets that big rarely ever survive because nasty secrets like infidelity always find their way into the light at some point. Ask the thousands of betrayed spouses on this site, we found out. How did we find out, a statement that came in the mail, a charge on a credit card, a hotel you and other man stayed at solicits your husbands business and reminds him how great his last stay with them was or it can be as simple as other man bragging about some easy married woman he was banging at the office, guys like to talk about their conquests, happens all the time.

 

Breaks my heart to see that another innocent spouse has been put at risk for HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B and all kinds of nasty life threatening STD's. They don't check for Herpes unless you ask them to and you will need to be tested again in 6 months. Some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the encounter. You should check out Other Man/ Other Woman section, the ones that have been through a few affairs can help probably help you get over your first O/M.

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I was disappointed this thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517619-cant-move-emotionally-after-co-worker-affair)was closed but I understand the reasons all the same

And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

 

Missing the fun and std tests!!! Kind of f upped in the same paragraph.

 

Your lack of maturity is spectacular.

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Really? You were disappointed? Why? People were very tough on you; most of us, frustrated that you seemed almost indifferent to most of what was being said. So, what were you getting out of it that you'd feel disappointed that it was closed?

 

And what do you think the reasons were that it was closed?

this is over. ... I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.
So if it is still not "well and truly in the past and gone" from your heart, then where is it?
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Missing the fun and std tests!!! Kind of f upped in the same paragraph.

 

Your lack of maturity is spectacular.

 

And because of this,the dear BH she lauded on is no longer her partner, just a friend with little in common.

Her selfishness destroyed the intimacy she had with her BH. So the fun she had with druggy and the embarrassment that her coworkers refer to her as a joke has effectively ruined her family.

So now we'll hear she realizes her marriage was bad before the A. So the A did her a favor and exposed it.

Yep, time for blameshifting.

Amazing selfish cold narcissist. Not her fault that her marriage is ruined. It's her BH's.

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I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me.

 

This sentence is pure gold. Gold I tell ya. Gold.

 

Use this feeling of "not right" and do the right thing. Tell your husband. If your marriage isn't where you want it to be or if you just don't want to be in it, then come clean. At that moment you are going to realize the severity of what you have done, and the consequences are going to snap you out of it. If your husband is the angel you say he is, you may have a chance. If you wait until he finds out from someone else, your toast. And he will find out.

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Southern Sun

Oh dear. Not sure if you can be helped.

 

I'm starting to wonder if all waywards move along a spectrum or stay on a particular area of the spectrum. Like, do we all start in the land of confusion and then finally get through to the other side and see the reality of the destruction (sometimes when it's too late)? Or do some stay in confused affair-land forever? Is it really possible to deceive yourself, like, permanently?

 

Speaking from unfortunate experience. I am on the clear-headed other side, thank god.

 

Jeez.

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BrokenShades

I'll be blunt. I'm sure I'll take flack for this, but I don't really care whether you tell your husband about the A or not. I don't think that's the most important thing at the moment. What's more important is you, your relationship and how you're going to move forward.

 

By your own admission, it sounds like you're missing the excitement of your relationship. To be honest, that "excitement" you feel during the first few years of a committed relationship/marriage, usually disappears to a large extent. What replaces it is a broader, more mature love. It seems that you don't get this. Is your husband a good friend? Is he a good partner? Is he a good lover? It sounds like that what is more important to you is the excitement and high of the new. This isn't a realistic way to pursue a marriage. You'll just bounce from M to M and A to A, to reclaim this high, when you lose the old high. You sound profoundly emotionally immature.

 

Now don't get me wrong. Even though I wrote the above, there should still be intimacy, love and enjoyment in the relationship, but you and your husband have the responsibility to work towards and create that together. Communicate with him. Let him know that you feel the relationship is a bit stale and you need to see and feel that person you fell in love with. Then work towards this TOGETHER... you're both responsible for creating this.

 

I'd recommend IC, so that you can work on understanding this void you're trying to fill, and what can be and should be done about it.

 

Best of luck

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But really, come on. Why did you come back?

 

It's all new posters STILL saying the same things.

 

What on earth do you get out of posting here?

 

Why did you? What do you hope will happen? Rather, how do you take the criticism?

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Still talking means the affair is still on. Just a break in the sex part. This affair will not end because there is no NC and your BH does not know so he can't hold you accountable to keep NC with the OM.

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What happened to getting a new job?

 

You know as long as you work with him - there will someday be one more day where you hook up = he's just waiting patiently for that day.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

 

New job? Yes please - like yesterday.

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I was disappointed this thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517619-cant-move-emotionally-after-co-worker-affair)was closed but I understand the reasons all the same

And so its been 2 weeks since the work trip, feels like 2 years.

I have had zero contact with AP (Small talk in larger group at work but was minimal and no private messages).

I miss the fun. But this is over. Its over as theres an underlying issue within me that never had anything to do with husband or AP. AP is a man I would never, in “The real world” want to be with. He was there at the right time, I miss the carefree fun and not him.

I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me. I dont think I can fully focus and decide until the affair is well and truly in the past and gone from my heart.

STD test results are still pending and life is carrying on just like it always did.

 

 

 

Why not tell your H the truth?

 

 

I guarantee he will find something to talk about with you then. He will also stop acting like your friend.

 

 

The honesty might be what is needed for both of you to kick your marriage in the butt!

 

 

Try honesty for a change.....

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You do not realize that you built a wall between you and your H, to hide the A.

 

You make him use protection. He is not happy, you are blind in your relationship to your husband. Use all of that energy that you used to build that wall of secrecy to tear down the wall to try to reconnect with your H.

 

You had to disrespect him to do what you did. You do not realize the distance you have put in your marriage.

 

You may never get it back, because you have to keep up the distance so he does not find out what you are like and what you did.

 

You can't reconnect with the wall there. Try to do it for your child.

 

 

But you can't build a new relationship without tearing down the wall and your fantasy world. Because then you may realize what you did.

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You do not realize that you built a wall between you and your H, to hide the A.

 

You make him use protection. He is not happy, you are blind in your relationship to your husband. Use all of that energy that you used to build that wall of secrecy to tear down the wall to try to reconnect with your H.

 

You had to disrespect him to do what you did. You do not realize the distance you have put in your marriage.

 

You may never get it back, because you have to keep up the distance so he does not find out what you are like and what you did.

 

You can't reconnect with the wall there. Try to do it for your child.

 

But you can't build a new relationship without tearing down the wall and your fantasy world. Because then you may realize what you did.

This makes sense. People don't realize when they're in their own worlds week after week, month after month what they're projecting to others, even their partners. Then, they are surprised when they try to reconnect and don't feel close any more.

 

HB's plea is compelling and tender. Will it reach you?

Edited by merrmeade
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You may have better luck in Other Man/ Other Woman thread, you'll find others that are still in affairs there, they may be able to help you with missing your affair partner and the adulterous sex crap. Your affair is still in the present because your still giving it priority over your marriage. You are still missing your other man, making your husband your what? You still have life changes secrets that your hiding from your husband, that means that you and other man take priority over him. Marriages with secrets that big rarely ever survive because nasty secrets like infidelity always find their way into the light at some point. Ask the thousands of betrayed spouses on this site, we found out. How did we find out, a statement that came in the mail, a charge on a credit card, a hotel you and other man stayed at solicits your husbands business and reminds him how great his last stay with them was or it can be as simple as other man bragging about some easy married woman he was banging at the office, guys like to talk about their conquests, happens all the time.

 

Breaks my heart to see that another innocent spouse has been put at risk for HIV, Hepatitis C, Hepatitis B and all kinds of nasty life threatening STD's. They don't check for Herpes unless you ask them to and you will need to be tested again in 6 months. Some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the encounter. You should check out Other Man/ Other Woman section, the ones that have been through a few affairs can help probably help you get over your first O/M.

 

Aliveagain, I have to tell you.... reading this gave me a "light bulb moment". No matter how much or little a WS is in contact with their AP, this includes NC until they disclose their A with their BS they will always still be in that A. The A would never truly be over.

 

"The ability to pursue serial and clandestine extramarital affairs whilst safeguarding the secrets and*conflict of interest*inherent in the practice, requires skill in*deception*and duplicitous*negotiation. Even to hide one affair requires a degree of skill or malicious gaslighting. All these behaviors are more usually called*lying".

 

Had to do so research on the definition of Extramarital Affairs. Unless the Affair isn't given full transparency to the BS then all you are doing is lying. Can a marriage survive on such a lie. Is fidelity the cornerstone of Marriage? Does this make the whole marriage a lie?

 

My mindset is shifting on my thoughts on a WS maintaining this lie. I've always said I wish I had never known. Now, I'm really not sure. And to think my WS had held this lie over 18 years thus still in the A even though the AP has been long gone she still would have had part of him that I never knew about.

 

Hmmm.... breakthrough for me, I think.

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I am putting all my energy into my marriage and child now. Its not been easy. Husband and I had a few days away together alone for the first time in a long time recently and I found that we had little to talk about and in common and are more like friends than a married couple. He is oblivious to this feeling and is content to be as we are. I however still feel something is not right but I plan to work on that and if I cant move past it I will deal with it and not use AP or anyone else to fill the void in me.

 

I'm going to set the infidelity aside for a moment, no small task.

 

Why not tell your H you want MC to address the disconnect you feel in your marriage? It would at least give him a chance to address the issues between you and his move (in your mind) to the friend zone. Judging him silently and without recourse is, in many ways, more cowardly than cheating on him...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Giraffe2014

Aliveagain- Wrong forum alright I’d say. DKT3-UNTIL I get a new job, zero interaction is not an option. We work in the same office, inevitably our paths cross whether we like it or not. Ignoring each other isn’t an option either, this would only make colleagues suspicious.

He was seen leaving with the new woman (One I mentioned in my very first post) last weekend, (As in caught her hand and walked out with her) and leaves tomorrow for a romantic break with his long suffering girlfriend! This new woman is single, I can see them ending up together to be honest, to that I feel devoid of anything.

As for “Us” we hardly speak at all anymore unless we absolutely have to. We are not working together directly for the foreseeable either and TBH, he comes into my mind very little now

As for feeling bad for my husband? Hell ya, I am so eaten up I am finding it hard to get back to normal life. I thought I had control of this, that it would be a few weeks fun, I wasn’t expecting my heart to get such a battering. Not as cold and calculated or controlled as I thought. I think it annoyed me most when AP was so aloof, that doesn’t bother me now anyone. Hes more lost in life than I am if that’s possible.

My selfishness has destroyed what I had in my marriage. Absolutely. I am afraid I can’t get that back, I am struggling so hard to take down that wall I single handily built. I expected to be able to walk away after that work trip and all to be fine. Deep down I knew that trip was the end, it is the end, but getting back to where I was all those months ago isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

And Merrmeade ya, I enjoyed coming here, bring what it may. Slating, good advice, whatever, It was an outlet to talk. (Albeit most likely the wrong forum)

Mr Lucky-I am just ready about to go to IC. MC is definitely a consideration in the near future also.

And to everyone here, I have read stories and other threads and the effects of affairs on everyone really is the lowest of the low. We don’t setout to hurt our partners, but of course through our selfish acts we hurt them the most as well as our children. And it is the ultimate betrayal, a horrific act of a true narcissist. Which clearly I am. I hate that part of me so much. I wish I could get back to the content person I used to be. Happy with a good marriage and child. Something most people would give their right arm for.

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I_Give_Up67
Aliveagain- Wrong forum alright I’d say. DKT3-UNTIL I get a new job, zero interaction is not an option. We work in the same office, inevitably our paths cross whether we like it or not. Ignoring each other isn’t an option either, this would only make colleagues suspicious.

He was seen leaving with the new woman (One I mentioned in my very first post) last weekend, (As in caught her hand and walked out with her) and leaves tomorrow for a romantic break with his long suffering girlfriend! This new woman is single, I can see them ending up together to be honest, to that I feel devoid of anything.

As for “Us” we hardly speak at all anymore unless we absolutely have to. We are not working together directly for the foreseeable either and TBH, he comes into my mind very little now

As for feeling bad for my husband? Hell ya, I am so eaten up I am finding it hard to get back to normal life. I thought I had control of this, that it would be a few weeks fun, I wasn’t expecting my heart to get such a battering. Not as cold and calculated or controlled as I thought. I think it annoyed me most when AP was so aloof, that doesn’t bother me now anyone. Hes more lost in life than I am if that’s possible.

My selfishness has destroyed what I had in my marriage. Absolutely. I am afraid I can’t get that back, I am struggling so hard to take down that wall I single handily built. I expected to be able to walk away after that work trip and all to be fine. Deep down I knew that trip was the end, it is the end, but getting back to where I was all those months ago isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

And Merrmeade ya, I enjoyed coming here, bring what it may. Slating, good advice, whatever, It was an outlet to talk. (Albeit most likely the wrong forum)

Mr Lucky-I am just ready about to go to IC. MC is definitely a consideration in the near future also.

And to everyone here, I have read stories and other threads and the effects of affairs on everyone really is the lowest of the low. We don’t setout to hurt our partners, but of course through our selfish acts we hurt them the most as well as our children. And it is the ultimate betrayal, a horrific act of a true narcissist. Which clearly I am. I hate that part of me so much. I wish I could get back to the content person I used to be. Happy with a good marriage and child. Something most people would give their right arm for.

 

 

 

You CAN get back to that person if you inform your BH about the A, and then ask his forgiveness.

 

That wall you speak of is really the major guilt you are carrying. Your situation will not improve until you relieve that guilt.

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Same job, same affair partner, same husband, same child, so what's different? What's different is that imaginary line you had to cross that put your life where it is today. It's just an imaginary line but once you've crossed it you can't go back to what was before. That line is the edge of the foundation of the wall you are building to contain the lie from your husband, family, child, your friends, the lie that is the real you. How does it make you feel knowing that the only thing real about your affair was that you were used for sex by a predator and that now that he got what he wanted from you has already replaced you?

 

You are left to deal with the lie, he and his new girlfriend both know about your lie and you have no control over them or who they tell. This is the risk you take by keeping this secret from your husband. This is how I learned about my ex's affair, through a third party. It is always worse when they discover infidelity on their own. It will never ever go away and you will have to deal with it now or later. Normal life won't come back until you deal with it.

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We don’t setout to hurt our partners, but of course through our selfish acts we hurt them the most as well as our children.

 

I MIGHT have believed that, except you didn't do this just ONCE. You did it multiple times and on a business trip knowing FULL well that you might do it.

 

So it was premeditated. You did set out to hurt your partner at that point.

 

I don't care how much you try to convince yourself that you didn't mean to set out to hurt your partner, but you did, and more than once. The reason why your spouse is acting like a friend, because he probably is used to you acting that way by now.

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Ignoring each other isn’t an option either, this would only make colleagues suspicious.

 

If you think the people in your work environment don't know what's going on between you and your AP, you're naive at best. It's very easy to pick up on eye contact, body language and personal space so there's very few secrets. From your description, he also seems like the type that might brag about the source of the notches - of which you're one of many - on his belt.

 

BTW - you did kiss him at a company function, right :eek: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Giraffe is your BH an attractive man? Could he find women who would be willing to date him if you recommended to him that you have an open marriage?

 

I don't advocate open marriages, but I just don't see you being a monogamous wife from this point on. You already have a taste for going outside the marriage for extra fun. Your BH obviously does not ring your bell sexually. I just don't see how you will be able to stay true to BH from this point onwards having tasted the forbidden fruit...so to speak.

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