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still lying....and cheating?


sadandangry

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sadandangry

I posted here a few weeks back about my husbands affair and have been wondering if he really ended things with her. For those who have not read my story, here is a link to it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517317-he-still-cheating

 

Not sure if I said in the last post, but he is a truck driver, so hes away from home at least 4 days a week.

 

He just admitted to me last night that he does have another phone so that I cant see his phone records (he was high when he told me, otherwise I'm sure he never would have) He finally came out with it because I told him I already knew he had it because he had to have a way of calling his drug dealers. Obviously, we have a lot of problems and we argue a lot and his excuse for having the phone was that he bought it for spite (because I check his phone records) He says he hasnt used this phone to talk to the ow, just people he knew I didnt want him talking to (people he has gotten drugs from).

 

Obviously I cant believe anything he says, even though I want to so bad. I'm sure he bought the phone so he could talk to her. It must have never ended at all.

He keeps gps on his phone so I can see that he hasnt met up with her. We both have bluetooth so we talk on the phone most of the day and he will even leave the phone on during the night so I can hear everything. I also call him on video at any time.

If he is not going to see her, what is the point in the phone calls, especially when he says he loves me so much and wants to stay married.

 

I am so devastated. I want so bad to make this work, but how can I do that at this point? I catch myself trying to find a way to look over this and "pretend" to believe him so we can stay together. This is so hard.

Any opinions???

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PegNosePete

Wow, lying during reconciliation would certainly be a total deal-breaker for me.

 

Did you give him the rules that I wrote in your other thread? Did you make it quite clear that any breach of those rules is an instant divorce? That he has one and only one chance to prove to you that he is committed to repairing the marriage?

 

And he's blown it. You know what you have to do now.

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S&a,

 

Really? You DON'T know what to do?

 

YES YOU DO. I doubt any sober LS member will or could even squeeze a spec of a reason why you should do ANYTHING with this WH except RUN FOR THE HILLS GIRL. Divorce asap before he snorts, smokes, injects any assets left to divide. STDs plus? Really?

 

The only thing I'm seeing here is your total lack of consideration for yourself and your total and complete blindness to this man's cheating at first, drug addictions, lying and continued deception.

 

You must be a total wreck!

 

I have a gf who's lived with her partner for the past 25y. The partner was cheating after the birth of their 1st child or so she thought. It was before and now she's had 4 chn! He's a drug addict, an alcoholic and a serial cheater but keeps a labouring job, paying well enough for them to survive financially - only just.

There's no love at all anymore and she's raised the chn in a war zone. The chn are total wrecks.

 

Get the debts he's accrued and put them in his name BEFORE YOU LEAVE. I don't live in Hollywood so I don't know any wealthy drug addicts. There are certainly no healthy ones.

 

His affair should've made you batten down the hatches. The drug addiction means you cut him off from accessing any money. Frankly he's not only wreckless but he's dangerous.

 

I'd get to a women's shelter asap. They have free counsellors there. This is far more about your issues- putting up with all this and still hoping when the situation is obviously hopeLESS. You need real, physical help to get out and psychological help to stay out.

 

WH only love is for his drugs and him "needing" you to keep cleaning up his messes is just not love. Rehab is his only hope. Yours is getting out and staying FAR away from him forever.

 

Lion Heart.

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Also if he's driving an 18 wheeler while on drugs he's driving a 80,000lb death trap. HE'S A DANGER TO US ALL!

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You got some great advice on that other thread too, yet here you are again head in the sand.

He is a cheater, a proven liar, a drug user and now he has been found again to hide stuff from you.

OF COURSE he is seeing her or some other woman. He throws you some rubbish about loving you and YOU BELIEVE HIM????

YOU have turned a blind eye to his lying, his drug abuse and his cheating and I guess you look after him well too. He has it made, of course he wants to stay married... He has a doormat wife, to wipe his feet on every time he comes home.

He never tells you the truth, he tells you what you want to hear AND more importantly what is best for him.

Wake up!!!

 

He has not shown one ounce of remorse, and YOU are scrabbling about trying to make it work!!!!???

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The only way you can "make this work" is if you move to Utah.

 

Other than that, this marriage is over.

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As another trucker wife, I am stunned! Seriously, truly, stunned. The poster above is correct. Your husband is a drug addict hauling 80,000 lbs on public roads at speeds of up to 70 mph. He's not just a danger to you, he's a danger to everyone else and to himself!

 

If you truly want to have a shot at saving this marriage, I suggest reporting him for the drug use. Get him off the road and into rehab. Afterward, he can find a local job. Two, if necessary. Then he can attend counseling with you at least weekly while you both also do individual therapy. Maybe when he's clean, sober, in therapy and home he'll straighten up.

 

I doubt he will, but it's a shot. If it fails you'll know you did all you could and then you might be able to muster up the spine to walk away.

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I posted here a few weeks back about my husbands affair and have been wondering if he really ended things with her. For those who have not read my story, here is a link to it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517317-he-still-cheating

 

Not sure if I said in the last post, but he is a truck driver, so hes away from home at least 4 days a week.

 

He just admitted to me last night that he does have another phone so that I cant see his phone records (he was high when he told me, otherwise I'm sure he never would have) He finally came out with it because I told him I already knew he had it because he had to have a way of calling his drug dealers. Obviously, we have a lot of problems and we argue a lot and his excuse for having the phone was that he bought it for spite (because I check his phone records) He says he hasnt used this phone to talk to the ow, just people he knew I didnt want him talking to (people he has gotten drugs from).

 

Obviously I cant believe anything he says, even though I want to so bad. I'm sure he bought the phone so he could talk to her. It must have never ended at all.

He keeps gps on his phone so I can see that he hasnt met up with her. We both have bluetooth so we talk on the phone most of the day and he will even leave the phone on during the night so I can hear everything. I also call him on video at any time.

If he is not going to see her, what is the point in the phone calls, especially when he says he loves me so much and wants to stay married.

 

I am so devastated. I want so bad to make this work, but how can I do that at this point? I catch myself trying to find a way to look over this and "pretend" to believe him so we can stay together. This is so hard.

Any opinions???

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's frustrating.

 

Based on what you've shared with us, your husband is not healthy. He's doing drugs, concealing phone records, etc.. If having a healthy marriage is your goal, you can't get there until your husband gets himself healthy.

 

Here's the question, is he ready to admit he needs help and is he willing to go get it for himself?

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Chasing_mya

It's very possible that he may still have that 2nd phone. He probably hides it in his car/truck. This is called the bat phone so you don't see any incoming or out going calls and the #. Just because you can see where he is on GPS doesn't mean the OW isn't there with him. You have to dig deep and see the red flags that you missed before. I know this is dificult and wish you the best.

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VeryBrokenMan

The admission that he has another phone would be a deal breaker for me. A marriage cannot survive secrets. Be selfish and do what's right for you at this point, even if that means short term pain. There are too many good people out there and you deserve better than what you have described.

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sadandangry

I have told him I am tired of his games and I want to end the marriage. He is sticking to his story of not using the phone to talk to the ow. He swears he hasnt talked to her since the time he told me he ended the affair. He gave me the number to the phone and says he will throw it out or give it to me whatever I need, but I'm sure he will just buy another one, right?

 

Even though I know how he lies (and he can be very convincing), I have been back and forth in this for years, unable to break free. When I say years, I mean with the drugs. He only recently cheated (that I know of).

 

Over the last 3 months he has been seeing a Dr. to help him with the drug addiction and he is in counseling. However, he has relapsed again. He is now begging for my forgiveness...again, and promising to do anything I need if I will stay with him and work on saving the marriage.

 

I dont know how sincere he really is. How do I keep from feeling sorry for him and staying in this trap?

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He isn't sincere, not even 1%. You just gotta be tough and do it, no matter how great his acting is.

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Wait, he has a phone just to make drug contacts. There is no way to spin this positively. I'm sorry you're dealing with such crap.

 

Just file. Fault or no fault. Just get away from this. Whatever it takes to get an agreement signed and final will be worth it.

 

There is no reason should have to be this stressed and doing 24/7 surveillance. Face the reality this person is your enemy and you must protect yourself 100%.

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Don't be a doormat and don't put up with his crap. As a trucker he has so much time to cheat again. Whether with the same OW or another. You'll just be kept in the dark.

 

Is he really a safe partner?

Are you fine with him taking drugs?

 

If your H truly loves you and is remorseful, he will happily do the following to help you heal from his betrayal and to make reconciliation a successful one.

 

He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

 

He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

 

He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

 

He must feel your pain.

 

He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

 

He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

 

He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

 

He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.

 

He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

 

He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

 

He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

 

He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

 

He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.He must be willing to seek counseling.

 

He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex.

 

Add more to this list as hippy see fit and then print out and discuss with him.

Remember that people treat you, how you let them.

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I can understand you wanting to desperAtely hold on and cling on to what you THINK you have but everyone can SEE is not there. It's because you're emotionally and physically vested and the you can't see this straight. My two cents because I'm right there with you:

1. Ask yourself if your little sister or cousin or bf came with you with the same set of facts what would you say?? Be honest. If you would tell someone you love to get out then you have to get out. If you would tell someone you love ok give him until 3 months then give yourself that same time. I highly doubt you would tell anyone to just blindly stay and pray for change and believe words of a liar.

2. Leaving is not easy. There is no magic way to make yourself want to leave someone you love. If there was I'd be gone too. Even after you leave it hurts. I would try to first just start with space. Don't be around him for two months. Sleep somewhere else be gone when he's home. Or tell him I need two months apart. that way at least your thoughts won't be ruled by your emotion. That's the only way I am able to think- when he can't talk!

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i am gutted
Wow, lying during reconciliation would certainly be a total deal-breaker for me.

 

Did you give him the rules that I wrote in your other thread? Did you make it quite clear that any breach of those rules is an instant divorce? That he has one and only one chance to prove to you that he is committed to repairing the marriage?

 

And he's blown it. You know what you have to do now.

what happened during my R . more lies and deception.

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  • 1 month later...
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sadandangry

I wanted to give an update and ask a question. I found the extra phone, yes bad news. I wont go into all the details but I left. Like always I got the suicide threats but this time he attempted it. I picked him up from the hospital and have been with him since. I am not committed to reconciling with him at this point. However, he says he wants to work on staying together and will do anything I need to earn my trust and make it work.

 

He is seeing a therapist and she has been texting to check up on him. I have told him before I am uncomfortable with the texting between them, considering the circumstances, but he assures me it is strictly professional. He had a session with her, left her office and text her to tell her that he now has his phone back on so she could call or text him. (it was off and he was using mine and he had just gotten the min. after he left her office). I checked his phone records and there were 10 messages between them. Two hours later, she texts him again, and again 10 messages between them. when he got the first messages, he smiled and chuckled a little. I asked him what that was about and he said, she is just "cutting up" with him. I asked if I could see the messages that he says are innocent but he had deleted them.

I personally think this is inappropriate and I told him so, and I even text her and told her that. She did not respond. He and I had a huge argument over this, obviously I am very angry still from the affair he just had and this really set me off. Am I over reacting here or could there be more to this??

 

Don't ask why I am still with him, sympathy, stupidity, I dont know. :(

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TrustedthenBusted

He leaves teh phone on all night so you can listen in on him the entire time?

 

 

Not for nothing, but that's called a baby monitor.

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Leave again. You're not responsible for him. You can't seriously just let go of your own life just so he can continue to lie and cheat. He's scrwede up in the head, but that's not your problem. Call professionals the next time you stand in the door and then leave all of it behind you - for good.

 

Of course he's still with her. Really, run away and block him. If they don't lock him up for a while his suicide won't be on you, it's his own stupidity.

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TheOneYouHate

There is someone out there for you that will not treat you like that. He is not worth, he has proven he cannot be trusted, kick him to the curb.

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Lois_Griffin
Don't ask why I am still with him, sympathy, stupidity, I dont know. :(

Well, I guess you're doomed to just keep dancing this dysfunctional waltz you've been dancing for far too long.

 

I'll give this guy an A+ for manipulation.

 

You see, if someone REALLY wants to commit suicide, they do it. They find a way to do it to make SURE it happens. All he did was manipulate you with a half-baked attempt to get you to come running.

 

And it worked.

 

Been there, done that.

 

And now, you stay out of fear because he 'might try it again.'

 

Well played, junkie. Well played.

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You actually left, so he stepped up his game. If he was serious, he'd be dead. Druggies know how to kill themselves. He didn't want to die, he wanted to manipulate you and you fell for it.

 

Leave. Break ALL contact. If he threatens suicide, call the authorities and let them handle him. If a hospital calls, refer them to his therapist.

 

If you can't do it, then you'll have to admit that you WANT to remain married to a lying, cheating, manipulative, drug addict.

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