ForgottenWorld Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Hi all, I'm just hoping to get some advise and other thoughts to help me clear my head and get my world a little bit more together... I suspect strongly that my husband is having another affair after he had promised such a thing could never happen again, that he would make us the priority I feel like such a fool for believing him and yet want very much to be able to sort our marriage out, since despite his faults I still do love him (he unfortunately has an avoidant personality disorder, or at least I strongly suspect it) however on resumption of our relationship, he didn't really make any change to be more transparent, make more time for us etc (yet i didn't want to nag all the time either) But now I just feel like he has taken advantage of my nature and love for him. To make matters more complicated if he chooses GF over me, I have no money and had moved to live with him in another country (we dont even have a joint account so I cant ask for legal advise or get therapy since i have no money of my own) He has a very well paying job, and although I have a small student loan (20k) he considers that I am bad with money because I have this loan, so justifies not giving me a bank card - even though i have been able to make a little money babysitting - all the money goes into his account. Basically if I do leave Im also afraid that I will have to leave the country, penniless, and without all of my friends too, let alone leaving someone I had trusted and loved very much. I know that many here will call me a fool - I suppose I didn't want him to feel cornered, and to feel like i really had forgiven him, so the way I moved forward has not actually been to my best interest it seems.... Im quite worried If that is the case, but id rather have solutions and thoughts on how to ensure I don't just get thrown away with no rights...if that does happen and he decides not to really commit to fixing our marriage.... so if anyone knows anything about CZ law concerning marriage property (and non joint bank account used by both couples, i'd really appreciate some advise) On whole we have an ok time together, however he does work very long hours (home at 7 but works on computer...gets to bed around 12) and being an avoidant dismissive he really is hard to know and fiercely independent but I also know he loves me in his own way too... I just hope things get a bit easier, I will try to get counselling for myself once I get back home, im not there at the moment (He shouted me a trip home for 6 weeks...now I know why...) as the iPad I have was once his (and he forgot to switch off the facetime messaging....so just found him talking with another girl about meeting up last weekend, he also had the week off work this week, he claimed to be ill...but I dont take this as co-incidence now... I think he has found the Face time messaging glitch though, so I don't expect to see any more texts, but did get her number and may in the future meet her to find out I dont blame her (he I think is running from himself... and just using her as a temporary fix, so I feel in some respects a sad sympathy that he could do this to us, as well as her) I do plan to copy all our Financial records when I get home and then I think I will go to therapy for a while just to get a bit more calm (I feel absolutely dead/numb and have lost 5kgs this week alone, and dont sleep) I havent told family here and probably wont (I dont need their stress that they will bring to the situation, I cant carry all of them as well, mum would feed on it and then i would get no head space at all, so ill just continue to paste a bland expression on my face and watch a few movies, not looking forward to the family bbq tomorrow - just another drain on my energy on keeping up appearances... I just want logical thoughts and answers, not more drama) I will also work on our marriage with him as it seems with his disorder that he needs to test our relationship or he is just looking to fill an emotional gap a gap he causes since he avoids being close or spending time together, I never turn him away, but I do get frustrated with his distance and have (8 weeks ago) had a very big argument with him about it, he was very upset that I was so sad - but he cant seem to understand Im sad with the situation - not with him... I wish he would just turn around and see Ive always been here for him that I do love him... it seems like such a waste... and im so tired and heartbroken at the moment. if the above doesn't work after a few months then I will arrange to talk to her over coffee and find out all I can before making another move. anyway I hope anyone could give some ideas how to protect myself and how to move forward, probably it would be good if you can read up on Avoidant personality disorder first, since they are challenging to say the least. Understanding the Needs of the Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style - The Love Compass http://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/fearful-avoidant/ thanks again Edited March 28, 2015 by ForgottenWorld 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Gently, a disorderbis not his primary issue. His selfishness and lack of character are. Dont let him use this "disorder." 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ForgottenWorld Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Thanks AutumnNight, I'm not so worry about how angry,hurt,etc I am for now I need to put that aside into a little compartment and deal with it later... I need some good advice on solutions and how to possibly better the situation and protect myself... I'm sure all these thoughts and anger will naturally come to me, I don't need help there ;P (but it did let me feel thankful someone was saying what i was thinking ) Edited March 28, 2015 by ForgottenWorld 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 He just loves cheating because he's a selfish idiot. No disorder behind that. Surely serial cheating has a reason but not everyone wants to address those reasons and get him or herself fixed in counseling, like your husband. Divorce and be free. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Cheaters do what they do because they want to. That's the bottom-line truth of it. Be careful not to spin-off into rationalisation, as a way of avoiding the reality of why he is doing what he is doing. He's doing it because he wants to. Edited March 28, 2015 by Satu 5 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You should be careful of the terms you're using. You claim to believe he has "avoidant personality disorder". Then you link to articles that talk about attachement styles. Those are two different things. I'm not sure which of the two you believe he has. Thirty percent of the population has an avoidant-anxious attachment style, so it is hard to take that seriously. Only 1% of the population has avoidant personality disorder. I happen to be in that 1%. I've received an official diagnosis from a professional. I would never behave with my spouse the way he behaves with you. Nor do any of these behaviors have anything to do with avoidant personality disorder. It really seems as though you are looking to make excuses for his behavior. Which is frustrating because he's been a complete and utter jerk. You just seem to want to believe anything other than the possibility that he may just be a jerk. Even though you're probably not going to want to believe this, you're in an abusive relationship. Not letting you have access to the household finances is what's considered economic abuse. That's not just a term. It's closely related to physical and emotional abuse. What all forms of domestic abuse have in common is that the abuser likes having full control. They do whatever works to keep their victim from having any power. It's not a coincidence that you feel like you are stuck there. He likes it that way. He purposefully makes it that way. If you don't find that terrifying, you should. I really think you need to get away from this for good. Abuse of that sort will have a huge psychological toll on you. It doesn't get better. If he was the sort of man who cared about building a healthy, loving marriage, you wouldn't be in this situation. He wanted somebody who would please and obey him while he did what he wanted, and you've fallen right into his trap. Please save yourself. If he's sending you home, stay there. You can always get a new job and rebuild your finances. You can make new friends. You may not be able to get away from him again if you return though. I really hope you see the light before it's too late. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
fivejcb Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You should be careful of the terms you're using. You claim to believe he has "avoidant personality disorder". Then you link to articles that talk about attachement styles. Those are two different things. I'm not sure which of the two you believe he has. Thirty percent of the population has an avoidant-anxious attachment style, so it is hard to take that seriously. Only 1% of the population has avoidant personality disorder. I happen to be in that 1%. I've received an official diagnosis from a professional. I would never behave with my spouse the way he behaves with you. Nor do any of these behaviors have anything to do with avoidant personality disorder. It really seems as though you are looking to make excuses for his behavior. Which is frustrating because he's been a complete and utter jerk. You just seem to want to believe anything other than the possibility that he may just be a jerk. Even though you're probably not going to want to believe this, you're in an abusive relationship. Not letting you have access to the household finances is what's considered economic abuse. That's not just a term. It's closely related to physical and emotional abuse. What all forms of domestic abuse have in common is that the abuser likes having full control. They do whatever works to keep their victim from having any power. It's not a coincidence that you feel like you are stuck there. He likes it that way. He purposefully makes it that way. If you don't find that terrifying, you should. I really think you need to get away from this for good. Abuse of that sort will have a huge psychological toll on you. It doesn't get better. If he was the sort of man who cared about building a healthy, loving marriage, you wouldn't be in this situation. He wanted somebody who would please and obey him while he did what he wanted, and you've fallen right into his trap. Please save yourself. If he's sending you home, stay there. You can always get a new job and rebuild your finances. You can make new friends. You may not be able to get away from him again if you return though. I really hope you see the light before it's too late. I also have border line ''avoidant personality disorder'' according to a pro. I never cheated on my W either. devilish innocent is absolutely right, you need to get out of this. I know you love him but but you need to lookout for yourself because he's not looking out for anyone but himself. Your finical situation will not be any easier if he decides to dump you for OW. As hard as it may seem you need an exit plan now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Stop saying you love him what does that mean and what exactly do you "love" about a man who treats you like this? You need to enlist the help of your family and a good lawyer to find out your rights as a married woman in Czechoslovakia, so you can arrange to leave him. He has cheated & he is either thinking of cheating or is cheating again, and he doesn't sound like he is a very nice person either. Stop analysing why he is doing this, stop casting a him as some sort of victim. He is doing it because he wants to, he likes the sex and he knows he will get away with it, as you will forgive him again. You cannot live a happy life like this, you are still young, get active and do something about it. If you stay and put up with it because you "love" him, you will regret it for the rest of your life, situations like this do not get better, they get worse. You may have to leave "penniless", but that is better than the hell on earth you are enduring at present. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I think OP knows she has to leave and there is no hope with this man. She is frustrated with lack of resources in order to get out, because he has witheld her freedom from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Maybe you can sell some things to get some quick cash? If you are married, half of what you own is yours, at least in the US. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Please leave him. Do not make excuses for him because what he is doing now is destroying you slowly. The longer you stay with him, the longer he continues to think that you deserve to be treated the way he treats you. You are in abusing relationship. He is controlling the finance because he wants to restrict you from leaving him. He knows what he is doing. Don't say that he loves you, that is not love unless you became co-dependent. Let your friends and family know about the situation, that is where you will find support and courage to free yourself. I am sorry you are in such situation. But get out it, do not think to much of money or that you are going to leave without nothing. Once you are free, you will look for a job and slowly get back on you feet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Stop saying you love him what does that mean and what exactly do you "love" about a man who treats you like this? You need to enlist the help of your family and a good lawyer to find out your rights as a married woman in Czechoslovakia, so you can arrange to leave him. He has cheated & he is either thinking of cheating or is cheating again, and he doesn't sound like he is a very nice person either. Stop analysing why he is doing this, stop casting a him as some sort of victim. He is doing it because he wants to, he likes the sex and he knows he will get away with it, as you will forgive him again. You cannot live a happy life like this, you are still young, get active and do something about it. If you stay and put up with it because you "love" him, you will regret it for the rest of your life, situations like this do not get better, they get worse. You may have to leave "penniless", but that is better than the hell on earth you are enduring at present. That's gonna be a little hard ... that country is long gone. I assume the OP is in the Czech Republic [slovakia is where the rest of that country went]. European Commission - European Judicial Network - Divorce - Czech Republic What are the consequences of divorce/separation? - Couples in Czech Republic Divorce, Czech Style, Prague - Czech Republic Basically you're going to need money and help [from relatives. You mention student loans of 20k ... i assume $ ? If that's the case then the good news is that living in CR is not as expensive as Western Europe would be. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You mention student loans of 20k ... i assume $ ? Not dollars, nor' euros. Czech has the Czech koruna, or Kč. The economics there aren't exactly thriving either, we drove through Cheb just a week ago and it looks pretty... ruined. :/ Most of my family is from the Czech Republic but my mom's divorce took place in Germany and was handled by a pitbull lawyer, so I can't offer much advise in the practical regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ForgottenWorld Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 Thanks everyone actually it seems as if I would separate under swiss law since we are both living in Switzerland I still wish to see if a more equal relationship can be achieved (and if not I am now more happy to go, although I would be leaving all of my friends here - I can always make more friends) I will post back in a time (I'm still working through all I feel and will hopefully get some counselling) TBH I feel to numb at the moment to really think but just wanted to thank you all for your advise and taking the time to help me sort my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
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