The Low points

[Red123]

My reconciliation has been going very well but I am in a low point right now. I have come into some health problems recently and have been going through a lot of testing, missed work and an overall feeling of being "less than" myself. During all of this my H has been amazing, picking up the slack where I am unable to and being very supportive. However, during this low point his A has been on my mind so much more, whether this is more time to think or my current state has me questioning my life more is unclear to me. I'm struggling with what I know is illogical thinking about being good enough for every aspect of my life, even though I know it's not true, it doesn't stop it from coming in to my mind. I wonder if this will be what happens every time things get rough in other areas of my life, will the A, that isn't in the forefront right now come back with a vengeance? Do any of you experience this? I guess it could happen from all sides of the equation WS BS OW OM.

[Rainbowlove]

My reconciliation has been going very well but I am in a low point right now. I have come into some health problems recently and have been going through a lot of testing, missed work and an overall feeling of being "less than" myself. During all of this my H has been amazing, picking up the slack where I am unable to and being very supportive. However, during this low point his A has been on my mind so much more, whether this is more time to think or my current state has me questioning my life more is unclear to me. I'm struggling with what I know is illogical thinking about being good enough for every aspect of my life, even though I know it's not true, it doesn't stop it from coming in to my mind. I wonder if this will be what happens every time things get rough in other areas of my life, will the A, that isn't in the forefront right now come back with a vengeance? Do any of you experience this? I guess it could happen from all sides of the equation WS BS OW OM.

 

Red,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your health. I hope it's nothing too serious.

 

Often, when I'm struggling with the hurt of the affair, my wife tells me to focus on the now. She says, be in the present with us today not the past.

 

Somehow, this reminder from her to not hang on to yesterday helps me let go a little more and it grounds me back to the importance of today.

 

I don't know if this helps you deal with what's going on or not.

 

Just wanted to reach out an offer something.

 

Wishing you well,

 

RL

[Red123]

Thank you. It does help. I'm usually pretty good at focussing in now but I think the stress and exhaustion is playing a part, causing me to fall back a bit. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I was just wondering if others experience more intrusive thoughts when they are stressed or low or is it just me. It can't be lol. I hope.

[Satu]

Thank you. It does help. I'm usually pretty good at focussing in now but I think the stress and exhaustion is playing a part, causing me to fall back a bit. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I was just wondering if others experience more intrusive thoughts when they are stressed or low or is it just me. It can't be lol. I hope.

 

When the thoughts come, don't try to resist them, push them under or judge them. Just let them come and go like any other thought.

 

Resisting them causes tension and internal conflict.

 

When the thought comes just notice it and say, "There's that thought, that's OK."

 

Then your mind will naturally move on to something else.

 

Just let it come and go.

 

You get what you resist, so don't resist.

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

[Confused48]

Yes Red, affairs suck. For everyone. Just go to the other side for a minute and see all the OW&OM in and out of agony for years. Pinning after the MM & MW. Of course here you see the BS tortured on and off about the betrayal.

 

Affairs suck.

[Red123]

When the thoughts come, don't try to resist them, push them under or judge them. Just let them come and go like any other thought.

 

Resisting them causes tension and internal conflict.

 

When the thought comes just notice it and say, "There's that thought, that's OK."

 

Then your mind will naturally move on to something else.

 

Just let it come and go.

 

You get what you resist, so don't resist.

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

 

Interesting. Thanks:)

[Red123]

Yes Red, affairs suck. For everyone. Just go to the other side for a minute and see all the OW&OM in and out of agony for years. Pinning after the MM & MW. Of course here you see the BS tortured on and off about the betrayal.

 

Affairs suck.

 

I agree completely. They are brutal!!

[BetrayedH]

Personally, I'm glad you recognize that it's illogical. Affairs aren't about the BS. Do I need to jump through my phone to remind you?! The affair was about something broken within your husband, something that we now hope is fixed. You could have been perfect and your husband may still have grasped onto that ego stroke.

 

Now is it normal to "feel" a sense of rejection? Sure. Welcome to that human emotional side of us that wants affirmation and validation. Affairs categorically suck at that.

 

Thank goodness that our brains also allow rational thought. Entertain the thought, and then dismiss it. Move on to something relevant to your life.

[Red123]

Personally, I'm glad you recognize that it's illogical. Affairs aren't about the BS. Do I need to jump through my phone to remind you?! The affair was about something broken within your husband, something that we now hope is fixed. You could have been perfect and your husband may still have grasped onto that ego stroke.

 

Now is it normal to "feel" a sense of rejection? Sure. Welcome to that human emotional side of us that wants affirmation and validation. Affairs categorically suck at that.

 

Thank goodness that our brains also allow rational thought. Entertain the thought, and then dismiss it. Move on to something relevant to your life.

Thanks. As usual your voice is one of reason. I know the things I did wrong in our relationship but he is totally responsible for stepping out. My post was to ask if others find times of high stress or low energy times when they aren't as strong to fight to intrusive thoughts. I am just finding that with everything going with me I don't have the same fight right now to preserve myself. However as you said thank god my brain is still able to let me know that these thoughts are not true, I guess I'm just slower to fight them right now. Thanks for your post I always find them helpful:)

[Lion Heart]

My reconciliation has been going very well but I am in a low point right now. I have come into some health problems recently and have been going through a lot of testing, missed work and an overall feeling of being "less than" myself. During all of this my H has been amazing, picking up the slack where I am unable to and being very supportive. However, during this low point his A has been on my mind so much more, whether this is more time to think or my current state has me questioning my life more is unclear to me. I'm struggling with what I know is illogical thinking about being good enough for every aspect of my life, even though I know it's not true, it doesn't stop it from coming in to my mind. I wonder if this will be what happens every time things get rough in other areas of my life, will the A, that isn't in the forefront right now come back with a vengeance? Do any of you experience this? I guess it could happen from all sides of the equation WS BS OW OM.

 

Red hi,

 

I know exactly what you're saying (I think?). I'm trying to process my own thoughts and feelings about similar things.

 

It was only yesterday that I "came out" to my WH that I've felt unable to tell him when I've got a health problem. I knew I was trying to hide many things that I've had for a number of years and I can even pin point the time I started this. It was after I found out he'd been using and hiding his porn use about 5y ago. Soon after that I sprained my ankle. I didn't tell him. I went to the Dr with 3 little children in tow, attended physio with all the children. Did all my exercises when he wasn't home. That's just one example. There have been many other examples.

 

I'm actually trying to understand my own motivations for doing this as I'm typing. TBH I think it was out of fear. Your things may be entirely different and I know you're not hiding your unwellness.

 

I have survived and thrived after a broken back. I'm exceedingly well and strong after expert help. I've worked FT, do heavy gardening etc. I do whatever it takes to stay strong. I don't complain about it all but get back to intensive exercises I know will fix it. I don't tell my H, now WH, any of that.

I'm not in a wheelchair as most MDs have told me is my only option.

 

My point is this: I felt so inadequate when I knew my H had been using porn. I felt like I'll never be "enough" even as an extremely healthy and somewhat attractive person.

IF THEN I also have ailments? ??? I processed this as WH wouldn't be attracted to me AT ALL.

 

Now 12w 6d since D Day, I realise that my fear (plus WH NPD) has made me want to "appear" like I'm 150% all the time in front of him.

 

"If I'm unwell, I'm vulnerable".

"If I'm less than 100%, then WH will be more attracted to healthier mates etc".

 

It's not during the happy times that WH A haunts me, except for unforeseen triggers ofcourse. But during my own challenging times it can become a monster to trap and cage. Fleeting thoughts can come and go when I'm ok. When I'm low then possibly a "kitchen - sinking" effect comes up, sometimes with stuff I haven't dealt with enough or just need to acknowledge and then move out of my mind.

 

My WH and I have worked through mountains of stuff in the past 3 months since D Day. We are both in IC and MC. WH has been diagnosed (this is where HIS fear came up, not coping with this and worrying that if he told me, I'd bail), my anger has subsided, WH is showing true remorse as of 2 days ago etc.

The cards are falling in to place for us to rejuvenate. BUT I am fully aware that even if he's a perfect H, father and citizen, I may still have major doubts about his fidelity. This state could go on for years as I see on LS. I've never stayed with a cheating partner before. I know it's hard work for me, psychologically. I either do the work to heal or D.

 

Maybe you're doubting the "in sickness or in health" part of your vows? I am in both! If he could have an A during my health, gosh I imagine he'd RUN to an AP in my sickness!

 

Fast healing on all levels for you.

Lion Heart.

[Red123]

Red hi,

 

I know exactly what you're saying (I think?). I'm trying to process my own thoughts and feelings about similar things.

 

It was only yesterday that I "came out" to my WH that I've felt unable to tell him when I've got a health problem. I knew I was trying to hide many things that I've had for a number of years and I can even pin point the time I started this. It was after I found out he'd been using and hiding his porn use about 5y ago. Soon after that I sprained my ankle. I didn't tell him. I went to the Dr with 3 little children in tow, attended physio with all the children. Did all my exercises when he wasn't home. That's just one example. There have been many other examples.

 

I'm actually trying to understand my own motivations for doing this as I'm typing. TBH I think it was out of fear. Your things may be entirely different and I know you're not hiding your unwellness.

 

I have survived and thrived after a broken back. I'm exceedingly well and strong after expert help. I've worked FT, do heavy gardening etc. I do whatever it takes to stay strong. I don't complain about it all but get back to intensive exercises I know will fix it. I don't tell my H, now WH, any of that.

I'm not in a wheelchair as most MDs have told me is my only option.

 

My point is this: I felt so inadequate when I knew my H had been using porn. I felt like I'll never be "enough" even as an extremely healthy and somewhat attractive person.

IF THEN I also have ailments? ??? I processed this as WH wouldn't be attracted to me AT ALL.

 

Now 12w 6d since D Day, I realise that my fear (plus WH NPD) has made me want to "appear" like I'm 150% all the time in front of him.

 

"If I'm unwell, I'm vulnerable".

"If I'm less than 100%, then WH will be more attracted to healthier mates etc".

 

It's not during the happy times that WH A haunts me, except for unforeseen triggers ofcourse. But during my own challenging times it can become a monster to trap and cage. Fleeting thoughts can come and go when I'm ok. When I'm low then possibly a "kitchen - sinking" effect comes up, sometimes with stuff I haven't dealt with enough or just need to acknowledge and then move out of my mind.

 

My WH and I have worked through mountains of stuff in the past 3 months since D Day. We are both in IC and MC. WH has been diagnosed (this is where HIS fear came up, not coping with this and worrying that if he told me, I'd bail), my anger has subsided, WH is showing true remorse as of 2 days ago etc.

The cards are falling in to place for us to rejuvenate. BUT I am fully aware that even if he's a perfect H, father and citizen, I may still have major doubts about his fidelity. This state could go on for years as I see on LS. I've never stayed with a cheating partner before. I know it's hard work for me, psychologically. I either do the work to heal or D.

 

Maybe you're doubting the "in sickness or in health" part of your vows? I am in both! If he could have an A during my health, gosh I imagine he'd RUN to an AP in my sickness!

 

Fast healing on all levels for you.

Lion Heart.

Thank you so much for your post. I may be thinking this and I just don't realize it. I'm not hiding any of it from him and he keeps reminding me that he will take care of me no matter what the results are. But, I think there is a part of me that is afraid to lean on him. I have always maintained my independence throughout our life together and I am so frustrated that I can't do it all right now. He is showing me that I can rely on him but there's always some reluctance now because of the past. He has taken me to all of my appointments, been with me while I cry and express my fear and has dropped everything when I call to come pick me up, but his past is what keeps me reluctant. Thank you so much for sharing, I think reading your post and typing this reply has set a lightbulb off over my head.