Healing

[hopeful111]

This is my first post.I will try and make it brief.My husband had an affair which lasted for 3.5 yrs.Like many on this site I never thought this would happen to me.I discovered the affair at the 1yr mark and he ended it .We were in counseling etc.I lost 20 lbs had to go on antidepressants for a yr.After a few months he went back to affair partner.During this time we took vac etc .One day I discovered a number on his phone and googled it.It came back to affair partner.At first denial but the truth came out.She even called me when he broke it off With her.I am so sad to think I was so sick and he still went back.Crazy but I am still trying to make my marriage work.I discovered that it was still going on 6 months ago.I wish I knew what my future held.He says he loves me and regrets the affair.I feel like I spend my days just trying to make sense out of this and feel so stuck.I don't know how to stop the obssesive thoughts.Has anyone got past a 4yr affair?

[Clay]

I am really sorry you are going through this. I am not sure of anyone that recovered but maybe there are some people out there.

 

Do you have any kids with him?

How long have you been married to him?

 

How is he acting now? Showing real remorse?

 

Clay

[hopeful111]

Thanks for your reply.Married 17 yrs 3 teenage children.Initially he showed emotion and remorse but now he wants to put this behind us.I am hoping time can help me heal.I made a life around my marriage and family and I don't want it to change.Divorce would be so sad!

[Clay]

I understand he wants to just put it behind him but in truth it does not work that way. Its about a 3 to 5 year process. Of course everyone is different. I mean imagine if the show was on the other foot would he be so quick to just put it behind him. I highly doubt. it Have you done marriage counseling? Have you considered getting into counseling for your self? I think you are going to need it.

 

Is he showing complete transparency?

 

I think if he really wants it to work he has to help you now instead of you dragging him to get re engaged into the marriage.

 

 

Clay

[Zenstudent]

I think you are going to need more from your husband. Check out the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Macdonald and see if he fits a remorseful spouse. It may help you see your situation in a more clear light.

 

If you just brush the whole thing under the rug, it WILL reappear instead of disappear with time.

 

I also suggest counselling for you to improve your self worth and self respect, since infidelity usually has a huge impact in these departments. Sorry you are here, stay strong.

[Noirek]

As someone who went back to her AP after a year and a half of complete NC I can tell you that he doesn't get to put it behind him. You have had three? D-days. I know you want your marriage to work but he has shown you he is incapable of fidelity. I think you need to accept that. Marriages take two people. You can't make him be faithful or fix him. You've given him a second chance, and a third. I would really reconsider giving him a fourth. Specially if he isn't remorseful.

[ladydesigner]

As someone who went back to her AP after a year and a half of complete NC I can tell you that he doesn't get to put it behind him. You have had three? D-days. I know you want your marriage to work but he has shown you he is incapable of fidelity. I think you need to accept that. Marriages take two people. You can't make him be faithful or fix him. You've given him a second chance, and a third. I would really reconsider giving him a fourth. Specially if he isn't remorseful.

 

 

I agree with the above. My WH is a serial cheater and also took his A underground for another 2 years, was with XAP for 3 years total. While I am also giving my WH one last chance I am also getting my ducks in a row and living my life pretty separately from my WH. I live for me now At this point my WH has to do all the heavy lifting and changing and if I don't see it I'm going to continue my path to Divorce. Marriage counseling is a must for us and I would say for you as well maybe even an IC too. You need to really focus on yourself now because your WH has made it clear, as mine has, that they have repeated their atrocious behavior more than once.

[oldshirt]

I don't consider 3.5 years with multiple discoveries an "affair." That is a lifestyle choice. He is basically engaging in an open marriage and living a polyamorous lifestyle without your expressed blessing.

 

However since you are still with him dispute multiple discoveries, he has your implied consent and will continue to have an open marriage untill you dissolve the marriage.

 

If you stay, you are essentially part of a plural marriage.

 

He obviously isn't stopping dispute your pleas so you can only control what you do and determine what you will or won't tolerate with your actions. Words obviously have not worked here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When i read your story...my reaction was wow..divorce.

 

I don't know how you get past a four year affair...a four year lie...four years of your life .

 

My heart breaks for you....the devastation you must feel...the hopelessness...

 

I have nothing ....no advice except...you need to think of you...what is best for your healing...what is best for you to continue being a good parent.

 

I would not think about your husband...I would not care what he has to say or what he needs or what he wants.

 

At this point...you need to be thinking about you. You need to do what is best for you.

 

Please know that i will be praying for you. God bless you and send you peace and healing.

[Furious]

This is my first post.I will try and make it brief.My husband had an affair which lasted for 3.5 yrs.Like many on this site I never thought this would happen to me.I discovered the affair at the 1yr mark and he ended it .We were in counseling etc.I lost 20 lbs had to go on antidepressants for a yr.After a few months he went back to affair partner.During this time we took vac etc .One day I discovered a number on his phone and googled it.It came back to affair partner.At first denial but the truth came out.She even called me when he broke it off With her.I am so sad to think I was so sick and he still went back.Crazy but I am still trying to make my marriage work.I discovered that it was still going on 6 months ago.I wish I knew what my future held.He says he loves me and regrets the affair.I feel like I spend my days just trying to make sense out of this and feel so stuck.I don't know how to stop the obssesive thoughts.Has anyone got past a 4yr affair?

 

 

 

Gently....you're listening to his words but not his actions. Why do you put up with his lies and deceit, why do you accept so little respect?

 

Often, a betrayed spouse who accepts little receives little in return.

 

Is being with a liar and a cheater less frightening than being true to yourself?

 

You're smarter and stronger than you think. Get started on taking the steps to empower yourself. Start by getting legal advice on where you stand, reach out to trusted friends and loved ones, get counselling to help you build your self esteem. Find your inner fierceness, face your fears and trust your inner voice, it's the best voice you'll ever hear.

[flowergirl14]

Thanks for your reply.Married 17 yrs 3 teenage children.Initially he showed emotion and remorse but now he wants to put this behind us.I am hoping time can help me heal.I made a life around my marriage and family and I don't want it to change.Divorce would be so sad!

 

You could insert my name into this thread. In fact I too have said how I have invested 21 years and 3 kids into my marriage. At some point you throw HOPE out the window. You look at the ws ACTIONS! Deep down you know that wether or not he cheats again too much damage has been done. No trust ..its gone and honestly do you want to keep checking up on if he is cheating again. Taking the moral high road. Meh! Time to get your own side dish or divorce or make a life thats good for you. Thats my plan! Im rooting for YOU!

[hopeful111]

Thank you all for your kind words.We did couples counseling for 4months which helped but it was getting redundant.I now go to counseling for myself.I pray that I will find clarity and no what to do. I almost think its harder to stay.

[oldshirt]

T

 

I almost think its harder to stay.

 

People leave when the pain of the situation outweighs the fear and uncertainty of leaving.

[Mrs. John Adams]

oldshirt...that is profound.....

[gettingstronger]

I don't think its the length of the affair thats an issue, it the constant lying and going back that is a huge red flag to me- I feel like he uses your fear of divorce and commitment to your family against you-You need to set firm boundaries and let him know you are at your limit-

[GoBlue]

hopeful111- I am so very sorry for the pain and what you have gone through. There are very few things in life harder to deal with then the betrayal of a spouse. Having said that, there is also very real hope for the transformation of your marriage and your relationship with your husband. If he is sincerely sorry and wants to make everything right then steps can be taken to bring healing. I would not, however, try to get through this on your own. I was a Pastor at one time in my life and know how important support and guidance from a professional can be. There also needs to be accountability because the hard work of healing can get exhausting and one or both partners may want to try and take a shortcut. Above all things I want you to know there is HOPE!

 

I am familiar with a group called The National Institue of Marriage.This is an organization that has had phenomenal results with couples just like you. Their specialty is intensive counseling that lasts 3, 4, or even 6 days. I highly recommend that you visit their site. There are a couple books I also think could be helpful: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair and Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved: 12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship. The one thing that I do know is that your pain will not go away and your marriage will not be healed by just hoping that it happens. Please make contact with a Pastor or a marriage friendly therapist who can help you navigate these waters. If I can be on further help do not hesitate to message me. Blessings!

[Chasing_mya]

He's been involved with the AP for 3 years. He tried breaking things off and he only went right back. I feel he's going to keep a low profile, probably go NC for a bit but its only a matter of time that he goes back to her. He needs counseling ASAP because without the help he will only repeat the cycle. Continue IC and do what's necessary to heal you. Don't worry about his feelings but make yourself a priority. Its time that you do because you have been cut short for way too long.

[sandylee1]

Is his AP married?

Did you expose the affair to family members?

What consequences has he suffered as a result of his betrayal?

 

Because seeing you hurt and suffering really didn't mean a thing to him, or it wouldn't have happened again.

 

It's like a child, if they are naughty, but don't have any consequences they will continue with that pattern of behaviour.

He's treating you like a doormat and he's getting away with it.

 

How do you think he'd react if you cheated? Him just wanting to get passed it just shows he really doesn't understand the pain.

 

I suggest you tell him to check out an online support group called surviving infidelity. He can just read a lot to begin with, to gain an insight into what you're going through.

 

What excuses does he give for cheating?

 

A few thoughts.

 

1. See where you stand legally and see how separation /divorce would look for you. Consider a legal separation. If he sees your taking no more nonsense, he might get his act together

 

2. State a condition of reconciliation is a post nuptial with an infidelity clause. Where he leaves the marriage with considerably less than he would in a normal divorce

 

3. If you don't get tough with him, he'll do it again and again. So the question is, will you just put up with it.

 

4. Ask if he really wants an open marriage and you can get an AP as well. (This one is for you to see the look on his face when you suggest it). Sound very serious about it though

 

5. In an attempt to build the trust. You need access to his phone and computers with a GPS tracker. The tracker isn't something I would personally do, because if I have such lack of trust, then I'd have to end it.

 

Unless you stand tall and get tough, this will be your life. You could also benefit from that website as well.

[KingwoodMan]

You say you wish you knew what your future holds but honestly you do. It's not going to be with him. He's a worthless POS, you aren't. Give everyone a second chance, give no one a third. You gave him a second chance and he blew it. If you take him back again you become a doormat and he screws whomever he wants whenever he wants. He's a low quality human being and you don't appear to be. You should get healthy for yourself, and move on. There are some really wonderful guys out there in the world that will love you and know what marriage means. Get yourself in better shape emotionally and physically, dump this loser, and find a better person to share your life with. You deserve it.