Am I playing with fire? LONG read

[seekinganswers08]

Hello, I guess I need to vent/express myself... Maybe I'm seeking advice, corrective feedback, or constructive criticism. A little background on me: Iam a 25 y/ol married female. I have engaged in an extra marital affair before when I was a single 21 y/o college student. Since being with my husband, I have NOT committed adulterey, but I have let my eye wander. Anyways, the man that I had the affair with a few years ago was my boss. It started very innocently, but I was fully aware of what I was doing once we began the affair. I have never been faithful in a relationship until I met my husband, as I have cheated on all o my previous boyfriends. Now I'm starting to question if I even believe in monogamy (I know this is strange considering I'm married).

 

 

This leads me to my dilemma today. Sometimes I worry that I am projecting too much of my own sexual energy/chemistry on another person and the "feedback" I receive from him isn't real. Also how do I block the energy to turn it off?

 

Quick background story: I began working as an internist in late summer 2014. I was instantly attracted to one of the clinical directors at my organization. He is a very nice looking man with SHARP piercing eyes. I never said much to Brad*. I began to feel strong energy between us when he conducted a training for me and two other internists a few months after I started. His eye contact was very intense and I felt like he could read all of the intense lustful thoughts I was having about him. What sealed it for me is when he looked directly in my eyes at our thanksgiving potluck and said, "I'm just really thankful to be working with you all." It was really intense and I looked away quickly. His energy is so strong, you can feel the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. I sense that he could feel my attraction. I feel like the air is thick when he is around and the way he interacts with me is very... idk different when it's just the two of us it seems like.

 

The problem is, we are both married. And no I don't plan to cheat on my husband, I just want to turn the energy OFF. There have been a few circumstances in which he (the senior staff member) has done some things to make me question if he is trying to send me a message. Below I have a few examples (there have been more).

 

1. Staring at me several times one day and seemingly innocently approaching me the next day to give me a compliment very discreetly. "I love your hair, I didn't even recognize you when I saw you." He was referring to when I saw him staring.

2. Making eye contact several times at a large company event we had, but neither one of us said a word to each other. I felt like we purposely avoided each other.

3. He's only touched me once, by what seemed to be chance. He asked me to leave a door open as I was closing it behind me, and as I started to walk away, randomly he placed his hand on my shoulder and kept it there. I felt a jolt come throughout my body.

4. The most recent is the incident on Friday. Our office isn't large but it's easy to go a week or two without seeing/interacting with some colleagues. So I had not seen him all week, but I couldn't help think about him when I passed by his office a few times. Anyways, on Friday I walked into our break room and as I approached the door and opened it, he was standing there. He gave me a really serious/stern look, did not say hello and held out his arm motioning for me to pass in the doorway. I said "hello" and he said nothing. I stood alone in the break room feeling really crappy and silly. A few moments later I open the door to leave and now HE is there and we both laugh (seemingly because of the door thing) and as I walk away, he says in a someone quick/rushed fashion that he likes the way I've fixed my hair and very matter of factly that it's "cute". I felt my heart leap out of my chest when I received the compliment. I know men compliment

women all the time but I was confused because it was a bit... Idk

 

But again here is the problem, I think that I'm overthinking it and I'm wanting to receive these signs from him because I'm attracted or this could truly be the game we are both playing. His behavior reminds me so much of the other married man. It feels like a game and I feel guilty because of my attraction. So how do I turn it off and block my/our energy to each other?

Edited March 16, 2015 by seekinganswers08

[SleekArchitecture]

Hello, I guess I need to vent/express myself... Maybe I'm seeking advice, corrective feedback, or constructive criticism. A little background on me: Iam a 25 y/ol married female. I have engaged in an extra marital affair before when I was a single 21 y/o college student. Since being with my husband, I have NOT committed adulterey, but I have let my eye wander. Anyways, the man that I had the affair with a few years ago was my boss. It started very innocently, but I was fully aware of what I was doing once we began the affair. I have never been faithful in a relationship until I met my husband, as I have cheated on all o my previous boyfriends. Now I'm starting to question if I even believe in monogamy (I know this is strange considering I'm married).

 

 

This leads me to my dilemma today. Sometimes I worry that I am projecting too much of my own sexual energy/chemistry on another person and the "feedback" I receive from him isn't real. Also how do I block the energy to turn it off?

 

Quick background story: I began working as an internist in late summer 2014. I was instantly attracted to one of the clinical directors at my organization. He is a very nice looking man with SHARP piercing eyes. I never said much to Brad*. I began to feel strong energy between us when he conducted a training for me and two other internists a few months after I started. His eye contact was very intense and I felt like he could read all of the intense lustful thoughts I was having about him. What sealed it for me is when he looked directly in my eyes at our thanksgiving potluck and said, "I'm just really thankful to be working with you all." It was really intense and I looked away quickly. His energy is so strong, you can feel the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. I sense that he could feel my attraction. I feel like the air is thick when he is around and the way he interacts with me is very... idk different when it's just the two of us it seems like.

 

The problem is, we are both married. And no I don't plan to cheat on my husband, I just want to turn the energy OFF. There have been a few circumstances in which he (the senior staff member) has done some things to make me question if he is trying to send me a message. Below I have a few examples (there have been more).

 

1. Staring at me several times one day and seemingly innocently approaching me the next day to give me a compliment very discreetly. "I love your hair, I didn't even recognize you when I saw you." He was referring to when I saw him staring.

2. Making eye contact several times at a large company event we had, but neither one of us said a word to each other. I felt like we purposely avoided each other.

3. He's only touched me once, by what seemed to be chance. He asked me to leave a door open as I was closing it behind me, and as I started to walk away, randomly he placed his hand on my shoulder and kept it there. I felt a jolt come throughout my body.

4. The most recent is the incident on Friday. Our office isn't large but it's easy to go a week or two without seeing/interacting with some colleagues. So I had not seen him all week, but I couldn't help think about him when I passed by his office a few times. Anyways, on Friday I walked into our break room and as I approached the door and opened it, he was standing there. He gave me a really serious/stern look, did not say hello and held out his arm motioning for me to pass in the doorway. I said "hello" and he said nothing. I stood alone in the break room feeling really crappy and silly. A few moments later I open the door to leave and now HE is there and we both laugh (seemingly because of the door thing) and as I walk away, he says in a someone quick/rushed fashion that he likes the way I've fixed my hair and very matter of factly that it's "cute". I felt my heart leap out of my chest when I received the compliment. I know men compliment

women all the time but I was confused because it was a bit... Idk

 

But again here is the problem, I think that I'm overthinking it and I'm wanting to receive these signs from him because I'm attracted or this could truly be the game we are both playing. His behavior reminds me so much of the other married man. It feels like a game and I feel guilty because of my attraction. So how do I turn it off and block my/our energy to each other?

 

To me it seems like you have low self esteem and you rely on this type of validation to sum up your self worth. I read your heart was leaping because of simple compliments, and the over reaching, and over thinking....your own words.

[SawtoothMars]

But again here is the problem, I think that I'm overthinking it and I'm wanting to receive these signs from him because I'm attracted or this could truly be the game we are both playing. His behavior reminds me so much of the other married man. It feels like a game and I feel guilty because of my attraction. So how do I turn it off and block my/our energy to each other?

 

Dude... you are WAY over-thinking this. Sure the guy would probably sleep with you if given the chance... but he'd probably bang sheep if he were desperate too. I just imagine him saying "I like the way you did your wool today".

 

You are seriously projecting your own stuff onto these guys. I think you have a big problem. Have you considered counseling?

 

As a final thought... these feelings thrive in secrecy. Being honest about them with your husband will likely make them go away... or at least provide you a framework to begin dealing with this together. I don't think this is something you can fix on your own!

[harrybrown]

Would it be ok for your spouse to do this behind your back?

 

Why not have an open marriage? It would not work for me. But maybe it could work for your H. Have you asked him?

[DKT3]

Your young and your making a young (person) mistake. Marriage and infidelity isn't a game. Let's be honest, 60% of the murders committed against women are in these types of situations. This is no game.

 

Secondly how would you feel about your husband sleeping with other women? Since you are questioning monogamy the answer should be its fine. If that isn't your TRUE answer they stop bull$h:tting yourself.

 

Honestly from what your saying I don't believe there is much of a chance for your marriage. Maybe it would be best to think about if you should even be married.

[SleekArchitecture]

Another way to look at it, is what could possibly come from this but drama and the possibility of this Senior staff member losing his job and you losing your entire reputation in the beginning of your career, which will follow you permanently on your resume. Some men love to flirt and do not take it further. No one can guess what his motives are or what they mean.

 

No one can tell you how to control your own impulses and urges. Only you can be strong enough to say No Thank you in your mind.

[BetrayedH]

I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It does an excellent job of painting the picture of how affairs begin. It's remarkable how similar so many of the stories can be.

 

Fortunately, that means there are ways to avoid following those footsteps. Much of it has to do with enforcing healthy boundaries (keeping yourself away from temptation and opportunity). For you, I'd also recommend you stop yourself from engaging in these mental fantasies. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. When you find yourself engaging in these thoughts about other men, envision a stop sign and force yourself to stop. Then redirect your thoughts, preferably towards your husband. Further, commit to spending the next few minutes on your marriage: write him a nice note, send him a flirty text, plan to make his favorite dinner or perhaps a weekend getaway.

 

In my experience, those that engage in infidelity have one or more of these challenges: (1) an excessive need for external validation (2) severe conflict-avoidance or (3) an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. In some cases, there's a combination of these traits. I'd recommend individual counseling to determine why you might have these traits (a good therapist will probably delve into your childhood and family of origin).

 

I tend to think of affairs like any other unhealthy coping mechanism. Some turn to drugs, some to alcohol, some to sex/porn/affairs. These coping mechanisms work in providing short-term relief but can do a lot of long-term damage. If you want to avoid that, then start getting really introspective about why this is your coping mechanism of choice. If you can identify when you start to engage in these behaviors, you might be more apt to redirect yourself. Most waywards compartmentalize away uncomfortable thoughts and questions about their behavior - I recommend you become very introspective about them. Analyze it to death and I bet you'll choose not to engage in wayward behaviors.

 

Good luck (and remember to buy that book).

[SleekArchitecture]

I like this thread because it allows me to explain the creepy stare guy.

 

Creepy eyed long stare guy, believes he is all that and a bag of chips, has an inner draw of the fairer sex by just his hormones and stare alone. But, at the same time he knows his limits.

 

He enjoys the beauty of women and checks out quite a few if not all constantly, measuring them up head to toe. He has to weed out the too much trouble

 

He is the twin of a predator, a tiger or a lion, his gaze is identical to that of them, scouting for the perfect gazelle. Although he likes the beauty of many he can only risk that of easy prey: Beautiful and strong Susan into activism and other activities may have him pulled in for sexual harassment. Beautiful Betty has a strong and powerful husband who she is deeply in love with so there is the risk she will tell her husband and he will get his ass handed to him. Beautiful Veronica who he wants the most is so self assured he knows she will forever view him as that creepy stare guy for the rest of her life and be insulted and turned off.

 

But here is beautiful Lauren, he feels assured she will fall for creepy stare guy for whatever are his personal reasons to think this, and he tests before going in for the kill of the weakest gazelle out in the safari.

 

I think for many more reasons we should feel insulted and not flattered by married creepy guy.

 

That is all.

[No Limit]

If you've been unfaithful in every single relationship prior to the one with your now-husband, why in the world did you ever marry in the first place? Of course monogamy is hard for someone who's never done it before, and you decide to make a vow that asks lifetime faithfulness from you?

No offense but I think you're not mature enough for a marriage. Just please make a decision before bringing kids into the mess.

[thummper]

Depends on what you mean by "fire." Are you "in love" with your husband? If the answer is "yes," then pull in the reins, missy. If you give in to your temptations, you very well might lose this man you're married to. Happens all the time, and much of it is reported here on Loveshack. Be VERY VERY careful. Your loving relationship with your hubby might be the thing that ends up getting burned.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes, you are playing with fire. Your own past should be enough for you to know that.

 

Yes, it is something that you are emitting to males around you.

 

I have been employed in male dominated fields my whole working career. There are women and men who use the workplace as workmates/soulmates dot com dating pool. Why? Because it's so darn easy. One can earn their pay check and have their love life needs all rolled up within the work schedule. Imagine, getting paid while you are "dating/having sex" No other profession offers such perks.....wait there is one

 

I wonder if this co-worker would have continued with the inappropriate personal compliments if your response would have been "my husband asked me to wear it this way".

[Noirek]

Don't let "I would never cheat on my husband" be all that you think will keep you from cheating. It won't. Your entire attitude, focus and behaviour are contrary to that. Focus on changing that and then you won't cheat on your husband. follow the advice given. Stop playing with fire.

[aliveagain]

Don't let "I would never cheat on my husband" be all that you think will keep you from cheating. It won't. Your entire attitude, focus and behaviour are contrary to that. Focus on changing that and then you won't cheat on your husband. follow the advice given. Stop playing with fire.[/quote

 

Too bad not all people listen to this amazing advice. Don't you want to know how this fairy tail should end? How it is supposed to end when the prince and the princess find each other and live a long and amazing life together? Not the one where the princess allows an Ogre into the castle and is discovered then becomes a lonely spinster with 50 cats. You can't unfu*k yourself once you step over that line.

[SleekArchitecture]

Don't let "I would never cheat on my husband" be all that you think will keep you from cheating. It won't. Your entire attitude, focus and behaviour are contrary to that. Focus on changing that and then you won't cheat on your husband. follow the advice given. Stop playing with fire.

 

I do not think she mentioned she would never cheat on him, but mentioned not yet. She has hardly been married long according to the timeline.

[SleekArchitecture]

Don't let "I would never cheat on my husband" be all that you think will keep you from cheating. It won't. Your entire attitude, focus and behaviour are contrary to that. Focus on changing that and then you won't cheat on your husband. follow the advice given. Stop playing with fire.[/quote

 

Too bad not all people listen to this amazing advice. Don't you want to know how this fairy tail should end? How it is supposed to end when the prince and the princess find each other and live a long and amazing life together? Not the one where the princess allows an Ogre into the castle and is discovered then becomes a lonely spinster with 50 cats. You can't unfu*k yourself once you step over that line.

 

50 cats is beginning to look like the better lifestyle than what a mixed up society is offering as of late.

[Noirek]

 

Too bad not all people listen to this amazing advice. Don't you want to know how this fairy tail should end? How it is supposed to end when the prince and the princess find each other and live a long and amazing life together? Not the one where the princess allows an Ogre into the castle and is discovered then becomes a lonely spinster with 50 cats. You can't unfu*k yourself once you step over that line.

 

No you can't. You are Unredeamable. Once a marriage is broken it is never the same. It is like plate. You can glue it back together and maybe it will be "good enough" but it will never be the same. Nor will the people involved. Especially the wayward.

[aliveagain]

No you can't. You are Unredeamable. Once a marriage is broken it is never the same. It is like plate. You can glue it back together and maybe it will be "good enough" but it will never be the same. Nor will the people involved. Especially the wayward.

 

A person can be anything they want, they can put themselves in any situation they want. Some think it and enjoy the fantasy, others take the fantasy to the extreme, they take it to the point where it is no longer a fantasy, people get hurt and this is what changes the relationship forever and ever and ever. The trusting spouse is now placed into a life changing experience, one he could never defend himself against because he trusts. He may choose to forgive one day but no matter what he try's he can never forget, because it is a life changing experience.

 

Some remorseful wayward spouses are given the gift of a second chance, some wayward spouses don't waste the gift and seek out professional help to find out what's broken in them. Give yourself a lifelong gift and don't step over that line, respect yourself, don't make the fantasy a reality.

[Friskyone4u]

You are obviously an educated person but you lost and questions sound like a teenager. First of all , YOU are projecting in some way that you are interested and available to men. Guys have been approaching you trying to get in your pants since puberty and I find it hard to believe you have no idea how to make your demeanor as unapproachable in any sexual way. There are tons of beautiful women who make it perfectly clear from their actions and conversation that it is a waste of time to try to start something with them.

You need to get the book that was recommended , "Not Just Friends", that is if you really want to make an attempt not to get involved in an affair.

But it sounds to me like you are trying to justify what you are starting here by explaining your past infidelities and using that as an excuse as to why it should not be different now .

You also need some IC. If you do not want to be married then get a divorce and you can have as much sexual energy as you want with whoever you want.

And if you want to end this game with this guy TELL your husband exactly what you posted. He will either tell you to pursue it or he will tell you in no uncertain terms to end it and stop it and yes he will be monitoring your behavior more closely. One of the two will happen.

YOU are projecting availability to this guy. Don't be acting naive. And you know how to shut it down since you have told us you have been down this road before

Whatever you do please DO NOt have any kids until you figure yourself out.

[SleekArchitecture]

You are obviously an educated person but you lost and questions sound like a teenager.

 

The question Am I Playing with Fire? is one the poster has got to know the answer to. She is intelligent, This makes me believe this is a romance novel post to exhaust herself of all the pent up sexual energy she feels toward the director.

 

I am reading it as if he stares long enough and then points and directs his finger to his zipper, I will be right there for assistance.