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How to make the most out of an affair?


flightattendant

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flightattendant

I am looking for opinion/stories from people who managed to maintain long-term affairs without getting too emotionally involved and also having the "upper hand".

 

After having my husband cheating on me for years on end I have finally got an opportunity to catch up on nearly ten years without sex. Whether I am leaving my husband imminently is not the question right now and for the purposes of this topic I want guidance on how do I get the most out of this affair. I have met a person who is also married and ticks all the boxes in terms of mutual attraction and ability to satisfy my sexual cravings. We had a few weeks of text-based flirting and eventually met and had sex a couple of times. I never felt so alive, desired and pretty for a long, long time. It is a major confidence boost.

 

I don't want to play teenage games, but I understand that after getting to that stage, this guy I am seeing feels like he has the upper hand, that he is in control of how things progress (fewer texts, etc - however he always comes to me at the drop of a hat when I call). As an example I told him in our last "date" that I would have a few things coming up and it would be difficult to meet as often in the next few weeks. He told me that "it's a good thing to hold horses a bit".

 

This guy is actually a contractor of mine (a very good one) and I will need his services again, but I'm a bit unsure about how to handle the communication and the business together with the desire of meeting with him on a regular basis. The question is, how to to make the most out of this situation, in a way that I get want and also don't make this guy think he has all the power in his hands?

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Considering your impetus and desires, IMO a FWB-type situation would likely be easier to manage and more satisfying than an affair, perhaps with a small group of men.

 

In any event, living in the moment, focusing on the interaction in front of one, seems to help with making the most of that interaction. Again, easier with multiple partners than investing in one as, over time, expectations can creep in.

 

If your username is indicative of your profession, this is pretty easy to do. There's always new faces and new places and what goes on stays on the road. When I traveled I'd often stay at crew hotels and definitely saw the opportunities for, well, opportunities.

 

Welcome to LS and, though I wouldn't recommend an affair as a solution in a M, opinion varies on that. I've had that experience but not the ONS/FWB type of non-invested experience so YMMV.

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If your in a bad marriage and your husband is a serial cheater would it not be better to keep your self respect rather than lowering yourself to his level? Why don't you just divorce him?

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Perhaps the Chilean culture, if that's where the OP lives, has differing viewpoints on affairs and marriage, IDK. In any event, culture could certainly be one important part of the equation. Different cultures view marriage and affairs differently.

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Your husband might not care what you get up to , but the oms wife might care , so be prepared for the fallout if this comes out , you could lose alot .Wouldnt it be easier for you to split from your husband first .

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Good point. For fewer entanglements, choose men who are at least not obviously advertising that they're married. This fits in well with the 'focus on the moment' philosophy.

 

I actually learned this from MW's but for differing reasons due to demographics. Orbiting was common around here and any MW who put signals out like the OP is apparently doing would/does have a cadre of men orbiting. What happens depends on the MW. She can have multiple concurrent or consecutive encounters, a long-term A or an exit A resulting in a new temporary or permanent partner. Since the OP is apparently 'deciding', all she'll have to do is pull in a few orbiters, sample the alternatives and make a decision whether to continue the M without an A, have an A, or have multiple concurrent or consecutive extra-marital encounters.

 

Another option, again depending on culture and/or the couple, is a sexually/emotionally open marriage. I've only known a few couples like that. The MW's sexual or emotional 'affairs' were transparent to and approved by her spouse, at least by those I interacted with personally. Quite rare, IME anyway.

 

As far as addressing the 'man getting the upper hand' part, that depends on the emotional makeup of the woman. I've found that MW's who can compartmentalize like a man and care less like a man can usually do pretty well. The key is caring less, not in a mean or abusive way but rather in an unattached and uninvested way. Essentially, viewing the prospective partner as one of billions and no more or less relevant than any of those billions. Unremarkable, though perhaps interesting in the moment.

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SleekArchitecture

It is similar to making the most of a badly fractured arm. You will not feel fulfilled by being able to engage in normal activities. It will hurt like hell. You will feel stuck try brushing the hair with a giant cast. You will never completely heal and be the same as before your break from integrity and your pre affair non negotiable self worthiness with what you will or will not put up with.

 

And the one without the break, will go la de da, along life without a care of how they treated you or make mountains of excuses for it. You will never feel complete satisfaction or complete closure.

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If your in a bad marriage and your husband is a serial cheater would it not be better to keep your self respect rather than lowering yourself to his level? Why don't you just divorce him?

 

 

 

 

Exactly that. Your WH is a male sluuut.

 

 

Why do you have to be the female version?

 

 

Be better then your WH, Stop being a WW and divorce your WH. Dump your OM. For if they cheap with you they will cheat on you.

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You are basically playing at two levels.

 

Like most women (and I don't say this in a pejorative way but an honest observation) you cannot have a fling without thinking on a commitment. There you gals should take heed from the feminist movement and embrace your sexuality...anyways, you are in the "honeymoon period" because, as you are not living together, someone else is cleaning his dirty pants. You meet when you are both in the best of moods and ready for action, so it is normal that you incorrectly think that he is going to be that nice all the time.

 

He, in the other hand, looks to me like he knows what he is doing, he has done it before, and he probably is doing it simultaneously with several other women. How do I know? Because, as a cheater, I managed to have up to 4 women at the same time. His job (like mine) is the type of job where you can handle all that action and the wife at home is none the wiser.

 

I'd bet my pension plan that you are even considering an scenario where you divorce, he divorces, and you and him are happily ever after. It's not going to happen.

 

Let me make it crystal clear. I have had more than one lover who was actually better than my wife. Some were younger, others prettier, other smarter or more wealthy, and even on occasion all of the above. Yet I never left my wife, and I won't. And I am pretty sure your lover is just the same.

 

And sure we are going to lie. Of course we are oh so unhappy in our marriage, so wishing we could leave right now if it wasn't for (insert pile of crap), but as soon as (insert pile of manure) is done we will finally be free and start a real relationship with you. Yes my dear, as soon as my not yet conceived child finish his post-doctoral degree and lands a job I am going to leave my wife...just hang in there and bend over just a bit further.

 

You want to get the most of your affair? Then enjoy the moment and don't make castles in the air. You have a good thing going, so (excuse my bluntness) shut up and have fun. The second you try to make it into something that it is not, he will still bang you for a while and lie a bit more, but soon enough he will replace you with the next one.

 

Now let's see if you are one of the many oh so many women who think they are different and this is going to work for them. I invite you to join the many he had thrown aside the second they began with the little demands.

 

Good luck.

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If your in a bad marriage and your husband is a serial cheater would it not be better to keep your self respect rather than lowering yourself to his level? Why don't you just divorce him?

 

Because she is not going to leave him until she has the next husband ready.

 

Remember Tarzan? There is this term called "the Liana effect" when someone is not going to give up one person until the next one is ready.

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SleekArchitecture
Of course we are oh so unhappy in our marriage, so wishing we could leave right now if it wasn't for (insert pile of crap), but as soon as (insert pile of manure) is done we will finally be free and start a real relationship with you. Yes my dear, as soon as my not yet conceived child finish his post-doctoral degree and lands a job I am going to leave my wife...just hang in there and bend over just a bit further.

 

 

Curious..... How does one find time juggling all these women with a poor wife sitting at home.

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autumnnight

Instead of asking how to make the most of an affair, what about making the most of yourself or your life?

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How to make the most out of an affair?

 

I am looking for opinion/stories from people who managed to maintain long-term affairs without getting too emotionally involved and also having the "upper hand".

 

After having my husband cheating on me for years on end I have finally got an opportunity to catch up on nearly ten years without sex. Whether I am leaving my husband imminently is not the question right now and for the purposes of this topic I want guidance on how do I get the most out of this affair. I have met a person who is also married and ticks all the boxes in terms of mutual attraction and ability to satisfy my sexual cravings. We had a few weeks of text-based flirting and eventually met and had sex a couple of times. I never felt so alive, desired and pretty for a long, long time. It is a major confidence boost.

 

I don't want to play teenage games, but I understand that after getting to that stage, this guy I am seeing feels like he has the upper hand, that he is in control of how things progress (fewer texts, etc - however he always comes to me at the drop of a hat when I call). As an example I told him in our last "date" that I would have a few things coming up and it would be difficult to meet as often in the next few weeks. He told me that "it's a good thing to hold horses a bit".

 

This guy is actually a contractor of mine (a very good one) and I will need his services again, but I'm a bit unsure about how to handle the communication and the business together with the desire of meeting with him on a regular basis. The question is, how to to make the most out of this situation, in a way that I get want and also don't make this guy think he has all the power in his hands?

 

You can never control what someone else thinks.

 

You may not want to play teenage games, but you certainly seem up for some adult games. Trying to manipulate a situation to your desired outcome is a game. Here is a real truth: In any relationship both people have the same amount of power and control. What generally happens is that one person or the other decides not to exercise that power and or control. In some cases they choose to let people walk all over them. But the fact of the matter is that they still have the same power and control they did on day one of the relationship. I don't get the sense this will last very long if you are concerned about manipulation this early in the A. Your better bet is to think about how you are going to control yourself.

 

My MW is perhaps somewhat like you. She abdicated power and control in her marriage, so I ceded all of that BS to her. I really don't care about that effing shtuff. On occasion I have to remind her of that truth I mentioned earlier, but overall it is a non-issue

 

He told me that "it's a good thing to hold horses a bit".

 

Very very smart idea. Often times people get so swept up after they jump in that seat of the affair car, then suddenly find themselves like Thelma and Louise driving over a cliff. They never pause to think. You want long term? Slow and premeditated.

 

 

So, to answer what seems like your question; control yourself, live in the moment, and stop trying to dictate the future.

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You're willing to destroy another family because of misplaced resentment. You're turning into the same bad-ego-person your husband is. Grow up and divorce.

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Curious..... How does one find time juggling all these women with a poor wife sitting at home.

 

The juggling was before I was married...and eventually it all went south. Now I just get the occasional fling here and there.

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flightattendant
If your in a bad marriage and your husband is a serial cheater would it not be better to keep your self respect rather than lowering yourself to his level? Why don't you just divorce him?

 

It is very easy to talk about how "low" someone supposedly is without walking a mile in their shoes...

 

I have "lowered" myself this way because of the simple issue of not.getting.laid.for.years. Anyone who has been YEARS without sex, not feeling appreciated and desired? If you have, will probably know how it feels. I did it because it was driving me crazy and heaven knows I have tried to keep my "self-worth" as others put it for as long as I could handle. I am human and the lack of sex was dragging me into a depression crisis due to lack of self-esteem.

 

I actually have seen evidence of my husband's flings with several women for the best part of the last decade. It hurt like someone was stabbing me on my chest. Everytime, it never got better. We talked about it, argued lots, I threatened to leave, he invented a million excuses then apologized profusely and promised everything would get better. It never did, in that respect. I don't believe he has stoppped his online and offline flings, he just learned to hide them better. I kept investing in a sexless marriage out of love and, I guess, faith that the situation would change. He tries, just not hard enough.

 

Now, it seems that we might find a way to improve things (had a big talk about changes in work, everyday routine and etc that might actually be beneficial). But I have yet to see whether that will work, or not. I am willing to try and end my A or any A opportunity that might come up in future if I can make things work with my husband - but at the moment, I still have to see evidence that he will start trying as hard as I have tried. He needs to start giving for once - there are some specific things he needs to do to convince me things will improve. But I am taking it all with a very large pinch of salt.

 

Meanwhile, I have a chance to feel alive again, to reconnect with a part of me that was long lost. I want to be able to recover my self esteem and at this very moment, this A is my best instrument.

 

There is absolutely NO WAY I see myself in a long-term relationship with this guy, ie getting married, being the official gf and the like - we belong to totally different worlds. To me this is just about sex and flattery. That is all. I am looking for advice on how to get the most out of it ie. controlling myself, presenting an image of someone who IS in control, both emotionally and practically speaking while also enjoying the moment, however long it lasts. Should I openly say these things to him, for example? I don't know.

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As an Italian male respect for myself and respect for others is very important. Why are you staying in a sexless marriage, you have options, waiting ten years is beyond normal. Affairs are only temporary fix's, hard to fix the hole in your soul they create because you still have to live with yourself when the relationship is over. Bringing a third party into an already trouble marriage is just about the worst thing you can do but that doesn't answer the question your looking for help with.

 

 

You should post in other man/other woman section where many experienced wayward spouses frequent. They can give you the best advice on cheating, many on the infidelity section are betrayed spouses like me and can only tell you what it was like to be on the receiving end.

 

 

We all have our own shoes to walk in. No one wins in infidelity, everyone gets hurt, specially the children..

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It is very easy to talk about how "low" someone supposedly is without walking a mile in their shoes...

 

I have "lowered" myself this way because of the simple issue of not.getting.laid.for.years. Anyone who has been YEARS without sex, not feeling appreciated and desired? If you have, will probably know how it feels. I did it because it was driving me crazy and heaven knows I have tried to keep my "self-worth" as others put it for as long as I could handle. I am human and the lack of sex was dragging me into a depression crisis due to lack of self-esteem.

 

Meanwhile, I have a chance to feel alive again, to reconnect with a part of me that was long lost. I want to be able to recover my self esteem and at this very moment, this A is my best instrument.

 

 

This is not the reason you are having affair(s). Lot's of people go "years" without sex and never have sex with a married person or cheat on their spouse. They also do not lack self-worth. You should get a divorce already. Why be a cheater? Get a divorce and have sex with single men.

What you are doing now will destroy your self esteem. You are lashing out because you are hurting but this modus operandi will eventually sink you farther down the hole. An A is the opposite of your best instrument and will drive the final blow to your self esteem. You need to rethink this.

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If you are going to do this, i would ask that you not engage with any married men. Keep in mind about how you feel about your husband's cheating. Why would you want to make someone else feel that way?

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Oddly enough, as a betrayed husband, I can relate to your story.

 

I discovered my wife in a year-long physical affair. She agreed to stop the affair and to my other conditions so we tried to reconcile. After a few months, my self-image was still in the toilet. Like you, I had been in a sexless marriage - mine went on for 7 years. I was tremendously jealous of my wife's engagement in a year-long PA, replete with some 60-70 hotel stays. I also couldn't handle the anger I was experiencing. In a desperate bid to get over it, I started to flirt with the idea of having my own affair. I was willing to cede the moral high ground in hopes that I could boost my damaged ego and rid myself of anger. People call them revenge affairs but I felt it was a misnomer; it wasn't about revenge but about feeling that I had to eliminate the imbalance. I couldn't handle her having all that sex and me just being left to get over it.

 

Once I started down that path, I got sucked in. I ate up the ego boost; it was convenient that I only had to show my best side. I loved the attention and feeling desirable.

 

The reality is that my sense of "feeling better" was very short-lived. My wife had dropped a nuke on the marriage and then I was pouring gasoline on it. It made it infinitely more difficult to reconcile. I was horribly disappointed in myself. I was still angry at my wife. Any moral high ground was lost. The OW got hurt. My wife was hurt. I was hurt. It didn't solve crap. In fact, it made me feel a lot worse about myself, which was something I really didn't need. It's interesting to hear you talk about your low self-esteem. Keep this up much longer and you won't have any.

 

As for "having the upper hand" with your AP, I pretty much never see that happen with women. The person that cares less has the most power. The women care the most, almost without fail. They get more emotionally invested. Honestly, you're no different. You're doing this because you're desperate for the ego boost. That desperation for him to care is what will be your undoing. The men almost always care less; for them it's typically about sex. Feeding the ego of a woman desperate for it is how the game is played. You're a ripe candidate.

 

The way to win is not to play.

 

My advice to you is the same as what I would have advised your husband before his affair(s): fix your marriage or leave it. Don't give yourself a third choice.

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All I can see is this ending badly.

 

 

Why?

 

 

There is no BH that is going to take sitting down when he finds out that the his WW hired the OM to work on his house and paid him with the BH's money.

 

 

All BH's will feel as if he wound up paying the OM to bang his WW. I repeat this is going to end worse then affairs normally end.

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As for "having the upper hand" with your AP, I pretty much never see that happen with women. The person that cares less has the most power. The women care the most, almost without fail. They get more emotionally invested. Honestly, you're no different. You're doing this because you're desperate for the ego boost. That desperation for him to care is what will be your undoing. The men almost always care less; for them it's typically about sex. Feeding the ego of a woman desperate for it is how the game is played. You're a ripe candidate.

 

Well said. OP, here's what you say you're looking for:

 

I never felt so alive, desired and pretty for a long, long time. It is a major confidence boost.

 

Those are typically not the residual effects of an affair...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm sorry that you had to endure your WH'S infidelities, knowingly(in your face) for years. I believe it has left you beyond broken. This is NOT what you signed up for!

 

Something clicked for you one day and you decided, I'm taking my power and womenhood back. You are going to have fun too. Why should he have all the fun when you are left with all the responsibilities? Enough is enough.

 

Obviously for divorce for whatever reason is not an option for either of you.

 

So.... my advice for making the most of an affair is to discuss an open marriage. However if D could never be an option for discussion I doubt an open marriage discussion could be either. Your WH doesn't believe what is good for the goose is also good for the gander.

 

So if you were my friend and those are the options you are faced with I might suggest to take it slow and don't act interested.

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I am looking for opinion/stories from people who managed to maintain long-term affairs without getting too emotionally involved and also having the "upper hand".

 

After having my husband cheating on me for years on end I have finally got an opportunity to catch up on nearly ten years without sex. Whether I am leaving my husband imminently is not the question right now and for the purposes of this topic I want guidance on how do I get the most out of this affair. I have met a person who is also married and ticks all the boxes in terms of mutual attraction and ability to satisfy my sexual cravings. We had a few weeks of text-based flirting and eventually met and had sex a couple of times. I never felt so alive, desired and pretty for a long, long time. It is a major confidence boost.

 

I don't want to play teenage games, but I understand that after getting to that stage, this guy I am seeing feels like he has the upper hand, that he is in control of how things progress (fewer texts, etc - however he always comes to me at the drop of a hat when I call). As an example I told him in our last "date" that I would have a few things coming up and it would be difficult to meet as often in the next few weeks. He told me that "it's a good thing to hold horses a bit".

 

This guy is actually a contractor of mine (a very good one) and I will need his services again, but I'm a bit unsure about how to handle the communication and the business together with the desire of meeting with him on a regular basis. The question is, how to to make the most out of this situation, in a way that I get want and also don't make this guy think he has all the power in his hands?

 

Don't get attached. Let him do all the running. Perhaps have another man also on the side, and let them both know they are not the only man.

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