Just found out about all the lies and deception

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

Okay, so, first off I would like to say thank you to everyone who chimes in here, I really appreciate it:)

So, married 15 yrs. He got drunk and practically made love to another friends wife at a party about our 3rd year of marriage. I forgave him and we moved on. He ended up pushing me and I moved an hour and a half away. We worked things out and stayed married, just living in different cities. I would come see him, surprising him sometimes, or he would come see me. That is up until sometime in 2009. He started saying that he was too tired to come see me and that he needed some rest, so I shouldn't come see him. this went on for about 2 months. I BEGGED him to come see me or let me come see him, to no avail. The real clicker was that he was only working 35 min drive from me and to go to his home, he had to drive over an hour, but, he did it anyway. I had an affair. It lasted about 6 months. I was honest with him and filed for divorce immediately, or so I thought. My ex stepdad started getting dementia around this time and I was stupid enough to hire him as my attorney and the paperwork was never filed.

Fast forward to 2012 when I moved back to his place. Right off the bat I knew something was wrong. I kept catching him in lies. He went on a biz trip for 1 and 1/2 months and refused to allow me to come visit him. he also swore for over 2 years that he had not worked with any women while on that trip. He told 2 therapists that as well. That was a lie that he only admitted after I caught him red handed. It took me 2 years, but I knew he was lying. My hair started falling out and my health suffered terribly. I couldn't work and the lies kept stacking up.

All this while, he is telling me every single time that I have a single question that I am crazy, seriously, he tried to convince me that I was imagining things. He said that I was "making up things in my head". My therapist told him and me that I have abandonment issues and he used that against me as well. I tried to believe them both and started really working on myself and trying hard to 'believe' all the lies, and I was so weak. It was very cruel and heartless and he watched as my hair fell out and kept on lying to me anyway.

He has just this past weekend FINALLY fessed up to flirting with women at work. says that he didn't know that he was doing it until he saw how it hurt me and that he stopped then. That was the third time I had to witness the flirting myself, that is what he was referring to, when we ran into a co worker who obviously had a very close and cozy relationship with him. I don't even kno how many there were and of course I can't believe him now when he says it was only flirting, right? I mean he lied to me then, isn't it logical that he would continue?

Anyway, he keeps swearing that he has stopped and that he loves me. He has stopped screaming so much, yes, I put up with that too and he hit me again back in October. This time he hurt me. I know I'm a fool for staying with him and I believe that I need to get out. He is most probably still lying to me and doesn't even show any remorse for hat he did. I know the answer to this riddle, I know I need to leave him, right?

[SawtoothMars]

All this while, he is telling me every single time that I have a single question that I am crazy, seriously, he tried to convince me that I was imagining things. He said that I was "making up things in my head". My therapist told him and me that I have abandonment issues and he used that against me as well. I tried to believe them both and started really working on myself and trying hard to 'believe' all the lies, and I was so weak. It was very cruel and heartless and he watched as my hair fell out and kept on lying to me anyway.

Anyway, he keeps swearing that he has stopped and that he loves me. He has stopped screaming so much, yes, I put up with that too and he hit me again back in October. This time he hurt me. I know I'm a fool for staying with him and I believe that I need to get out. He is most probably still lying to me and doesn't even show any remorse for hat he did. I know the answer to this riddle, I know I need to leave him, right?

 

I'm really sorry. I feel bad that you have to go through this. If you say it is very doubtful anything will change. It is my opinion that this guy should probably go to jail, but that would be a difficult process for you, given that he seems to be a compulsive liar.

 

You gave him 15 years... please don't waste another day on him.

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

Yes, I have tried really hard to make this work, and I love him very much, however, he just does not seem to want to work on things, even though he says that he does. His actions never seem to match his words. Thank you for your reply.

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

He has blamed all of this on me, for my affair. I have seem him be very vindictive with other people who have wronged him and think that it is entirely possible that he decided to get revenge. Well, he has had Huge pieces of me and my health has suffered.

"Relations" were never the problem btw, as we have never suffered in that area, so, if he cheated, he did so while also sleeping with me, which really, really hurts to think about.

The thing that has kept me in this for so long, working hard on it, was that he kept swearing, over and over again that he never slept with anyone else, even while we were separated. I believed him, that part for some reason I believed, but now, I don't think I do.

You know how they say trust your gut? well, my gut was screaming that he was lying, that he was keeping something from me, so, when he Finally confessed to flirting, at first I was relieved, because I thought, he was finally telling the truth, then the pain kicked in. The pain of knowing that he watched while my hair literally started falling out, and still he kept lying

[SawtoothMars]

He has blamed all of this on me, for my affair. I have seem him be very vindictive with other people who have wronged him and think that it is entirely possible that he decided to get revenge. Well, he has had Huge pieces of me and my health has suffered.

"Relations" were never the problem btw, as we have never suffered in that area, so, if he cheated, he did so while also sleeping with me, which really, really hurts to think about.

 

I have found that most people will treat you as poorly as you allow them to treat you. He tried to make you feel crazy because that gives him control over you. It is a standard tactic... I've had someone do that to me as well. In fact I even started acting crazy after a period of time.

 

You need to cut all contact with him for a few months and focus on getting yourself physically and mentally healthy!

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

Seriously? A few months? that would probably be the best thing, yes, I can see that. My fiances won't permit it, though we do have another little place on our property and that is where he is right now. I imagined that he will stay there and I will stay here until this all gets sorted out.

It's just taken up 3 years so far and he STILL doesn't show any remorse, and, I think he is still keeping something from me, plus he hasn't answered many of my questions about the flirting either, so that left me wondering............I love him so much, but I am tired. It's become an ongoing war and it seems to have no resolution but that I be the one to make the move towards divorce. It just seems logical at this point, but still, I wish it weren't.

[harrybrown]

This does not sound good for either one of you.

 

File for D for your health.

 

Did he rugsweep your 6 month A? He never got over that.

 

You can't get over his behavior.

 

For your health start the 180, but do not go back with the AP from the past.

 

The AP will be trouble. Hope you can find some peace. Did you two ever work thru your 6 month A?

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

Plus, for several years now, he has kept me from being around his co workers. He's in the movie industry and they always have a cast and crew party at the end of the movie or show and for the past 3 years, he's made every excuse not to take me. He doesn't go either.

I should have mentioned one very important thing. I only forgot it because I am very emotional right now and just forgot to add it. I started putting him under surveillance about a year and a half ago. I put a tracker on his truck and eventually placed on on his phone. I'm not going to apologize for that because after so many lies, I felt like I had to look after and protect myself, especially since he sure didn't seem to be. Anyway, the stuff was on and sometimes off, meaning that I would feel bad and disconnect it from time to time, so, even though I never found anything concrete, I still didn't catch him red handed, although it would be very very easy for him to fool around during working hours and me never know. I just have never been able to catch him in the act of anything other than flirting heavily with touching, smiling, affection, and desire. I have not caught him cheating and, as he is fond of saying, "You never will". Which makes me think he challenging me to, maybe I am crazy....geez

[autumnnight]

He has blamed all of this on me, for my affair. I have seem him be very vindictive with other people who have wronged him and think that it is entirely possible that he decided to get revenge. Well, he has had Huge pieces of me and my health has suffered.

"Relations" were never the problem btw, as we have never suffered in that area, so, if he cheated, he did so while also sleeping with me, which really, really hurts to think about.

The thing that has kept me in this for so long, working hard on it, was that he kept swearing, over and over again that he never slept with anyone else, even while we were separated. I believed him, that part for some reason I believed, but now, I don't think I do.

You know how they say trust your gut? well, my gut was screaming that he was lying, that he was keeping something from me, so, when he Finally confessed to flirting, at first I was relieved, because I thought, he was finally telling the truth, then the pain kicked in. The pain of knowing that he watched while my hair literally started falling out, and still he kept lying

 

There is a piece of this post that will likely turn everything around, but hear this:

 

No matter what - NO MATTER WHAT - you have done in the past, you do not deserve his abuse, period.

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

This does not sound good for either one of you.

 

File for D for your health.

 

Did he rugsweep your 6 month A? He never got over that.

 

You can't get over his behavior.

 

For your health start the 180, but do not go back with the AP from the past.

 

The AP will be trouble. Hope you can find some peace. Did you two ever work thru your 6 month A?

 

No, we did not. he insisted that we could only get back together if we never discussed it, and we only recently did, just a bit. He went to counseling on his own, but not for long. said he had figured out what was wrong with him and was finished with it. I think you are dead on, he has not gotten over it at all. I have offered toi answer any questions and told him we could discuss and have also told him how very sorry I am, over and over again, and with sincerity and love.

I would never ever go back to the AP. he was a phd psychologist psochiopath who manipulated me into an affair. I was weak and my husband had practically left me and I made a HUGE mistake that I have been paying for for 6 years now, but, I do appreciate your pointing out that that would be wrong, lol, we're on the same page there!

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

And to be to the point, I am not interested in anyone else but my husband. A few months back I had an old BF come back into my life, just via social media. He wanted to take me to lunch and I said no right away. I really liked this guy and woulfd have loved to have seen him, but knew it would not only be wrong, I knew that I might be tempted by him, so I went NC with him asap and although I have thought about him a time or 2, going through all of this, I really do love my husband. I wanted to work all of this out and took him back even after he hit me. We both got more counseling, I am still getting it from 2 sources and have wonderful friends who are being there for me. I took him back though, because I love him so much and thought, well, I did have an affair, we can work through this, but it is not working out.

How do I see new posts without logging out and back in? Is Ghostery affecting my posting? It doesn't in other forums. Just wondering and thank you all for your help. I trolled for a few months before joining and posting today and are impressed with you all.

[No Limit]

Sorry but your marriage has been anything but toxic.

Your 'love' for him would evaporate if you just found the courage to divorce and maybe get some counseling to handle it.

[Mal78]

Plus, for several years now, he has kept me from being around his co workers. He's in the movie industry and they always have a cast and crew party at the end of the movie or show and for the past 3 years,

he's made every excuse not to take me. He doesn't go either.

What's the issue if he isn't going?

 

I should have mentioned one very important thing. I only forgot it because I am very emotional right now and just forgot to add it. I started putting him under surveillance about a year and a half ago. I put a tracker on his truck and eventually placed on on his phone. I'm not going to apologize for that because after so many lies, I felt like I had to look after and protect myself, especially since he sure didn't seem to be. Anyway, the stuff was on and sometimes off, meaning that I would feel bad and disconnect it from time to time, so, even though I never found anything concrete, I still didn't catch him red handed, although it would be very very easy for him to fool around during working hours and me never know. I just have never been able to catch him in the act of anything other than flirting heavily with touching, smiling, affection, and desire. I have not caught him cheating and, as he is fond of saying, "You never will". Which makes me think he challenging me to, maybe I am crazy....geez

 

I'm suspect that if you are looking *that* closely and there is nothing, perhaps there is nothing to find

 

I honestly don't know how/why your marriage has lasted this long. However, you mentioned that you had an A. Perhaps this is all reflection back onto him. You lied and cheated so HE must be lying and cheating.

 

Regardless of any of that he hits you. That in itself is a dealbreaker. None of the other crap should matter to you.

 

If he hit me? Ummm. NOPE! However you are only hung up on the lies and deception.

 

The title of this should be:

I won't let this man hit me one more time!

[autumnnight]

OP, if your husband screams at you, lies to you, and has hit you, then yes, this marriage is toxic. And nothing that happened 6 years ago justifies it.

[myhusbandsaysimcrazy]

You are right. And, he swore up and down that he never slept with anyone, but, I didn't imagine any of this or suddenly just start being suspicious, it happened because he started constantly lying to me, all the time, about small tiny things, and he got caught, over and over again, and he said I was, well, you know.

I didn't just suddenly start accusing him of things for no reason, there was plenty of reason, plus, he had finally admitted to flirting. I knew that my gut was right about that and yet he denied it for 3 years, at least that I know about, 3 years now.

You all realize that it's a heck of lot easier said than done when it actually comes to leaving, right? I am a Christian and really believe that I needed to, I wanted to hang in there and work through it all but he just keeps refusing to admit any wrong doing and I really don't think he' come completely clean yet either, maybe that is why I stay, because I want so desperately to know the TRUTH.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wanted to hang in there and work through it all but he just keeps refusing to admit any wrong doing and I really don't think he's come completely clean yet either, maybe that is why I stay, because I want so desperately to know the TRUTH.

 

OK then, here's the truth:

 

OP, if your husband screams at you, lies to you, and has hit you, then yes, this marriage is toxic. And nothing that happened 6 years ago justifies it.

 

Get out before something worse happens...

 

Mr. Lucky