totally lost and and still love him

[i am gutted]

Hi everyone.

 

 

I have friends I can talk to and thought I might do this again too as we are all in the same sort of boat.

 

 

I see its been a year since my last post. A lot has happened.

about a month ago I found that H was still messaging women asking to meet up.

since the first time he got caught with sleeping around in 2013, I tried to forget and forgive......a lot harder than I thought.

last march I found a secret mobile phone that he had, he said he got rid of it, I tried to believe that and we carried on.

needless to say, the phone was never destroyed and then I found a laptop, saw history, saw the website he was on and found the password and read messages he had sent. This was on our 20th wedding anniversary and I asked him to leave.

that was nearly 4 weeks ago. Now he has found a place to rent, is starting to shift in, and it breaks my heart to see him loading stuff into the van and to see him in a new place.

yes I still have love for him. I just cant shake that. If I hated him it would be so much easier, I hate what he has done to me.

 

 

I asked him why and he said it just happened. people have told me that I probably wont get an answer cos he doesn't know himself.

 

 

I sit here, thinking about where he is, who with, what he doing, and all that, not sleeping, have lost nealy 10kg (not a bad thing for my size) .

 

 

after all this time of being just with him I am struggling with the fact that my marriage is over. He said it wont work. Devastated.

 

 

My dad said to walk away, like everyone has said as well but this is what I am trying to do but man its hard.

[oldshirt]

Walking away and starting a new life will be scary and hard. Staying with him will be worse.

[i am gutted]

that's the thing, I don't know how to

 

 

how do you turn off your feelings for someone you have spent most of your life with

[I_Give_Up67]

I_Am_Gutted,

 

 

Sorry to read the anguish you are going through in your post. Since your WH has already moved out, and sounds like does not want to come back now, take some time for YOURSELF. Ask yourself if continuing a marriage filled with deceit from a WH is how you want to spend the rest of your life? Ask yourself if you deserve better?

 

 

No doubt you still love your WH and it will take some time to get past those feelings. However, please weigh those feelings with all that he has put you through.

 

 

You can try a strict NC strategy and begin to work on improving your self esteem. Most importantly make sure you take care of your well-being including seeking therapy if necessary. I can assure you that when you show him that you are moving on with your life, he will realize what he has lost.

Edited March 14, 2015 by I_Give_Up67

[Arieswoman]

I_am_gutted,

I do really feel for you having been where you are.

 

If you really do love someone you just can't turn off your feelings like a tap.

 

My husband cheated on me and I threw him out and divorced him.

 

I loved him when I threw him out, I loved him when I was divorcing him and 6 months later when I got the divorce I still loved him. I still loved him almost a year later.

 

However, at the same time I knew that I could never live with him again, trust him or ever forgive him. I despised him for what he did to me and how he destroyed our marriage.

 

For about year I was torn in two and fighting myself on a daily basis. Eventually it got better and I began to move forward.

 

There are many people here who are in the same position who have survived and come out the other side intact.

 

You can do this.

 

Good luck and stay strong x

[oldshirt]

that's the thing, I don't know how to

 

 

how do you turn off your feelings for someone you have spent most of your life with

 

You don't turn them off, you create new ones.

 

 

As you move on with your own life your feelings of both love and anguish will fade away like a fog clearing with the morning sunshine.

 

 

This is a sad situation and there will be sadness at times. But there will also be hope and anticipation of new things to come and eventually there will be joy and happiness again.

 

 

The day you let go is the day you realize that the pain and anguish of staying outweighs the fear and apprehension of leaving.

[No Limit]

Get an attorney and individual counselor. I hope you're off to grab your jacket by the time you finished reading all posts.

[BlackHat]

I am a cheater. A serial cheater, and I can see myself in your words.

 

However, as you have but half of the puzzle, allow me to provide you with the other half:

 

about a month ago I found that H was still messaging women asking to meet up.

since the first time he got caught with sleeping around in 2013, I tried to forget and forgive......a lot harder than I thought.

 

Cheating and lies go hand by hand.

 

No matter how many times I get caught (and I have gotten caught many times by many women I have been involved with) I will always lie.

 

I will lie to keep the status quo. I will lie to keep the peace. I will lie because, at the end, it does not matter whether I lie or not. In fact, telling the truth is often far more costly than lying.

 

Consider this: For every time you caught me, I probably cheated on you 20 times. How would it help my case to confess that I cheated 20 times when I can just admit I did it once? You could forget and forgive one time, two, three...but 20? You will go out of control.

 

You and any sane woman. Therefore, I lie and your husband lies.

 

last march I found a secret mobile phone that he had, he said he got rid of it, I tried to believe that and we carried on.

 

Let me point something to you here. I is NOT sorry that he cheated like I will never be sorry for cheating. I am sorry because I get caught like he was sorry he got caught. Then, to keep the peace, he promise whatever he has to promise like I would.

 

I bet with you that 10 minutes after "the talk" he didn't even remember what he promised you. It's just words. They have no value. It's just whatever to keep the peace.

 

But make no mistake. When we get caught we do learn our lesson. We learn to hide better, to lie better.

 

needless to say, the phone was never destroyed and then I found a laptop, saw history, saw the website he was on and found the password and read messages he had sent. This was on our 20th wedding anniversary and I asked him to leave.

 

Believe you me his next laptop will have a fingerprint reader just like mine does. And he will learn how to automatically delete the browser history like I do.

 

that was nearly 4 weeks ago. Now he has found a place to rent, is starting to shift in, and it breaks my heart to see him loading stuff into the van and to see him in a new place.

yes I still have love for him. I just cant shake that. If I hated him it would be so much easier, I hate what he has done to me.

 

Here is the crazy part: You actually did him a favor. Sometimes I fantasize about my wife doing the same, finding out and kicking me out. It would save the the drama and I would be free to have my fun.

 

You are not really punishing your husband but freeing him. But the good news is that you are also freeing yourself.

 

I know you love him like my wife loves me. She show it to me every day. A day doesn't go by that she doesn't tell me and show me her love, no matter whether or not we argue. And I know why.

 

The problem with us serial cheaters is that we are not necessarily evil. We are not wife beaters. We are not losers. We don't go on the streets shooting drugs or getting drunk. We have quite the squeaky clean act. We just cheat.

 

I asked him why and he said it just happened. people have told me that I probably wont get an answer cos he doesn't know himself.

 

Another lie. He knows why. Full well he knows. But he also knows that by telling you the truth it will only hurt you and it makes no sense because he is already out of the house.

 

I cannot tell you why he did it, but I can tell you why most cheaters do it. In my line of work I have met more than a handful, and usually shortly after I meet their wives I understand why they cheat.

 

I am not saying that this is your case for I do not know you nor know him, but the three single most quoted reasons are:

- Weight.

- Age.

- Nagging.

This does not mean that I excuse their/my behavior. It's inexcusable, but like the last time I went on a business trip down south and saw my business associate with his "girlfriend" a few days after I had dinner with him at his house, with his wife and kids, and saw the wedding pictures and how she ballooned...well, I can understand his frustration.

 

And again, let me be clear: Cheating is not the right way. He should tell his wife that she was too fat, leave her, divorce her, and then do whatever. But cheaters are also human beings with complex feelings.

 

I sit here, thinking about where he is, who with, what he doing, and all that, not sleeping, have lost nealy 10kg (not a bad thing for my size) .

 

Oh I see. I promise I did not read this paragraph before I made the one before. I am tempted to remove it not to cause you pain, but I think it is best to be honest so I am going to leave it.

 

Again, he is the guilty one here, but maybe your weight didn't exactly help your marriage.

 

We men are visual creatures. We need to get excited, and our sex drive generally doesn't fade with years...it just shift to other targets. This said, cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. I see you write in kg, so I will translate my wife's weight in kg: 52-53kg. My wife is tall, so she is thin, and yet I cheat. What I am trying to say is that your weight might have had an impact in your case, but if he was going to cheat your weight would not matter.

 

after all this time of being just with him I am struggling with the fact that my marriage is over. He said it wont work. Devastated.

 

My dad said to walk away, like everyone has said as well but this is what I am trying to do but man its hard.

 

As a cheater I think he was just waiting for you to pull the trigger. Now he is free, and so are you.

 

I very much doubt he will ever come back. He might out of habit, but he will leave again soon.

 

The good news is that now you have an unique chance to start your life again. Take this experience as an opportunity to learn how men think, what men want, and also to learn about yourself.

 

Get back to pretty, get back into shape, and go back to the market!!!

 

Best of luck.

[Sassy Girl]

You know what Black Hat.. I don't even care to comment on how much of a narcissist you are, or your life choices

 

But the way you speak about and treat women as through they are disposable really is disappointing. You should really get some IC to inderstand where this mysogeny comes from.

[RightThere]

that's the thing, I don't know how to

 

 

how do you turn off your feelings for someone you have spent most of your life with

 

I feel for you because I am in the same boat.

 

I love my wife, and she has cheated on me multiple times. We have recently decided to separate, because she is not in love with me.

 

I tried hanging on, making sure I exhausted everything to make our marriage work. In the end, I still love my wife, but we can't be married anymore.

 

I'm not sure how that's going to play out for me. I know deep down I'll never stop loving her as my wife, but I'm going to set her free and move on.

 

It took too long for me to truly understand, but I am powerless to try and convince my wife to love me and do good by me. It's all within her power, and she is unable to do that. So I have to let her go.

 

Good luck to you. I know it's difficult to accept that you need to let someone go that you love, but staying with them is no longer the answer.

[i am gutted]

I feel for you because I am in the same boat.

 

I love my wife, and she has cheated on me multiple times. We have recently decided to separate, because she is not in love with me.

 

I tried hanging on, making sure I exhausted everything to make our marriage work. In the end, I still love my wife, but we can't be married anymore.

 

I'm not sure how that's going to play out for me. I know deep down I'll never stop loving her as my wife, but I'm going to set her free and move on.

 

It took too long for me to truly understand, but I am powerless to try and convince my wife to love me and do good by me. It's all within her power, and she is unable to do that. So I have to let her go.

 

Good luck to you. I know it's difficult to accept that you need to let someone go that you love, but staying with them is no longer the answer.

 

I think that it is accepting that it is over is one of the main hurdles. Also, my lack of confidence in being able to be without him and basically the hurt he has caused me because I was never a "tie your husband down" type of woman, he did whatever he wanted, had everything he wanted and I was not a type of woman who bled the bank account dry. I just don't understand why he has done this.

I have been told that later he will regret what he has done but I really don't know now.

 

 

Lonely nights are the worst. Havent cried as much today.

Keep in touch. hope you are able to make small steps each day as well.. all the best. Rachael

[RightThere]

I have been told that later he will regret what he has done but I really don't know now.

 

Maybe, maybe not. It's actually totally irrelevant. Whatever he decides to do or feel, regardless of what he SHOULD do or feel, is totally out of your power and out of your hands.

 

You just need to learn to give up being right about it, and just let them go free to live their life how they want. We both know better about what they should be doing, but I've got my hands full with my own life now and I don't want to try and control my wife's life and direction anymore.

 

I think that it is accepting that it is over is one of the main hurdles.

 

Totally understand. I actually told my wife that I know that she COULD love me, but right now she can't. And no amount of talking or convincing by me will ever change what she thinks. She needs to come to things on her own. So I will set her free to do so. I'm confident she won't be coming back either, but I'm at peace knowing I tried everything I could to make it work.

[KingwoodMan]

Cheaters never stop. They're not good people. They're like pedophiles, there is no cure. I've seen it a thousand times. I've been tracking cheaters for decades. Business is good because of the fall of western morals/values. It's really disgusting. Read the posts on forums like this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Cheaters never stop. They're not good people. They're like pedophiles, there is no cure. I've seen it a thousand times. I've been tracking cheaters for decades. Business is good because of the fall of western morals/values. It's really disgusting. Read the posts on forums like this.

 

Some cheaters do stop. Some cheaters ARE good people.They are nothing like pedophiles.....

I have seen it one time...i have been living it for decades.

 

You are new here.....and your name is quite familiar from another place.

 

You will find loveshack to be a gentler place and very heavily moderated...and there are many more WS here...and many more women here.

 

I hope you find a home here...but this kind of post won't fit it. Vile and venom is not the norm here. People actually try to be supportive and help each other....as opposed to being argumentative and cruel.

[KingwoodMan]

Some cheaters do stop. Some cheaters ARE good people.They are nothing like pedophiles.....

I have seen it one time...i have been living it for decades.

 

You are new here.....and your name is quite familiar from another place.

 

You will find loveshack to be a gentler place and very heavily moderated...and there are many more WS here...and many more women here.

 

I hope you find a home here...but this kind of post won't fit it. Vile and venom is not the norm here. People actually try to be supportive and help each other....as opposed to being argumentative and cruel.

 

No venom. I've got too much experience with this. I won't bother to argue. There is no point in it.

[TheSilentOne]

I think that it is accepting that it is over is one of the main hurdles. Also, my lack of confidence in being able to be without him and basically the hurt he has caused me because I was never a "tie your husband down" type of woman, he did whatever he wanted, had everything he wanted and I was not a type of woman who bled the bank account dry. I just don't understand why he has done this.

I have been told that later he will regret what he has done but I really don't know now.

 

 

Lonely nights are the worst. Havent cried as much today.

Keep in touch. hope you are able to make small steps each day as well.. all the best. Rachael

I'm a husband going thru some of the same stuff you're going through. I am hurting the same but you know what's making life better for me. I've convinced myself she never loved me at all. She found someone she could use and now has found someone else to use. It makes things a little easier to take thinking about them this way. Brings you from despair and depression to disgust and anger.

 

It's a necessary step you need to take to battle this user of you for 20 years.

 

God Bless sweetheart. My heart really goes out to you.

[ladydesigner]

(((i am gutted))) you are doing the right thing. Your WS has shown no remorse, no change, and is okay with leaving. Keep focusing on YOU and get into see a counselor to help you with this transition. I would not allow your WS to come back until BIG changes are made (i.e showing remorse and getting himself into IC to figure out what is broken in him).

[ladydesigner]

But make no mistake. When we get caught we do learn our lesson. We learn to hide better, to lie better.

 

Ha isn't that the truth!

[Confused48]

I am a cheater. A serial cheater, and

 

Cheating and lies go hand by hand.

 

I will always lie.

 

Consider this: For every time you caught me, I probably cheated on you 20 times.

 

We learn to hide better, to lie better.

 

my wife loves me. She show it to me every day. A day doesn't go by that she doesn't tell me and show me her love,

 

my behavior. It's inexcusable

 

And again, let me be clear: Cheating is not the right way.

 

My wife is tall, so she is thin, and yet I cheat.

 

The problem with us serial cheaters is that we are not necessarily evil.

 

 

Not evil? Really? Well I'd sure say that you would make a very good witness for the prosecution in the matter.

[SoulCat]

I still have love for him. I just cant shake that.

 

Of course you still feel love for him, that's why it hurts so much. But I promise you that if you walk away those feelings will subside.

 

If I hated him it would be so much easier

 

No. That hatred will only be felt by you and it will only consume and corrode you. He will not feel your feelings of hate. It will stop or at least slow down your healing process. Hate is destructive, let go of it.

 

Also, my lack of confidence in being able to be without him

 

Girl, you will be surprised to find that you are so much stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for.

 

 

I've been where you are, I did not know what the hell I was going to do or how to cope without my ex H. I truly was a complete mess for a while but I got through it.

 

And you know what? I am doing just fine. Great, in fact.

 

 

I have been told that later he will regret what he has done but I really don't know now.

 

Probably, but don't focus on that. It's not something you have control over. Focus on the things you do have control over; your health, your well being, your finances, your life.

 

 

Truth is, if you decide to walk away, the road ahead is gonna be a hard slog. Many more days of worry and nights without sleep. But you will pull through, and when you do, life is just what you decide to make of it.

Don't let his actions define you or what your life will be like.

 

You are worth so much more than that.

 

SoulCat

[i am gutted]

I'm a husband going thru some of the same stuff you're going through. I am hurting the same but you know what's making life better for me. I've convinced myself she never loved me at all. She found someone she could use and now has found someone else to use. It makes things a little easier to take thinking about them this way. Brings you from despair and depression to disgust and anger.

 

It's a necessary step you need to take to battle this user of you for 20 years.

 

God Bless sweetheart. My heart really goes out to you.

 

 

 

 

I am sure that he did love me at some stage. he says he does love me but there is this "other ****"............so I trying not read too much into that.

 

 

this is the thing, I am analysing everything.....cant help it.

[beach]

that's the thing, I don't know how to

 

 

how do you turn off your feelings for someone you have spent most of your life with

 

I did it. Yes, it was hard - but completely worth it when I came to the point of being honest with myself - and what he had done to me.

 

Counseling helped! Helped me realize I "allowed" toooo much! And he wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was.

 

 

And then I felt free!!!!!

[Confused48]

I am sure that he did love me at some stage. he says he does love me but there is this "other ****"............so I trying not read too much into that.

 

Don't read anything into it. It's nothing. He just wants you to do the "pick me" dance. Do you know the concept?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

that's the thing, I don't know how to

 

 

how do you turn off your feelings for someone you have spent most of your life with

 

 

 

I think that the first step toward that goal is to do a very good, and very fair-to-yourself job of separating the following two things:

 

 

"Him"

 

 

and

 

 

"Your emotional investment IN him "

 

 

 

HE... as everyone here can glean, is a scoundrel

 

 

But your emotional investment IN him neeeeeeeeds to be recognized as a good, and noble thing the whole way... and you need to identify THAT (ability to have made such investment) as one of your very good traits.

 

 

Your process in so doing... is NOT bad, it is NOT faulty... and the highest highs you'll know in the rest of your life will result from your repeating those very same instincts.

 

 

But you have to quit judging yourself using (the scoundrel) as a license to downgrade or look down upon yourself.

 

 

Recognize the good in you, and build some momentum that way... and then keep going...

[i am gutted]

(((i am gutted))) you are doing the right thing. Your WS has shown no remorse, no change, and is okay with leaving. Keep focusing on YOU and get into see a counselor to help you with this transition. I would not allow your WS to come back until BIG changes are made (i.e showing remorse and getting himself into IC to figure out what is broken in him).

 

have been trying a lot harder to keep away from him and not call unless I really have to. (we also have business together which we have had for many years).

He is coming over tonight to watch movie with daughter and I am fine with that.

we have already been to lawyers and making plans on house and business arrangements etc. still just a waiting game at present. He does not want this anymore and I have to remember that.

I doubt very much he wants to come back at all. I doubt that it will change.

there so much to sort out, little things that you just let go by each day, so am trying to write a list of things I need to do, payments to make, insurances, will, all that sort of stuff that needs to be changed.

 

 

am heading off to work shortly........only part time but have been able to pick up extra shifts. hard to concentrate on anything at the moment.

kids are doing ok. they big kids but still my kids! has been a lot of turmoil for them too. have a good day, will try to get back here later after work.