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BS, does the length of the affair matter when trying to reconcile?


Wondering33

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Wondering33

I read a lot of people are remorseful but can someone be truly remorseful if A has lasted years?...can someone truly feel remorse or not have true feelings for the AP if it lasted a certain time period, like some say?

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I read a lot of people are remorseful but can someone be truly remorseful if A has lasted years?...can someone truly feel remorse or not have true feelings for the AP if it lasted a certain time period, like some say?

 

it matters... yeah.

for me personally - infidelity is a dealbreaker & i will walk away (& i did). it doesn't really matter if it was a drunken ONS or a 5 year long affair.

 

however, i think people are more ready to get over something that didn't last long and wasn't intense than something that had lasted for years and was a full blown relationship.

 

i mean, cheating is cheating.

it won't hurt any less because it didn't last long...

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VeryBrokenMan

I'm certain that my WW feels true remorse and I started feeling like she did about 2 months past DDay. Her affair lasted 77 day from first contact to DDay. I think she was over him pretty quickly but of course she never said either way. I personally don't see how you could get very attached in less than three months. Had it been a year long or multi-year affair I'm fairly certain I would have just chosen divorce but as it stands I'm trying to reconcile.

 

So think it does make a difference if it was a short affair.

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HadEverything

Surely a very brief affair would be less difficult to deal with than something long term. I would think the longer an affair the more likely true attachment, emotion and connection between the WS and AP.

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Her affair lasted 77 day from first contact to DDay.

I personally don't see how you could get very attached in less than three months.

 

VBM, had your wife's affair lasted three months, you'd say 91 days was the cut-off. I hope your marriage recovers, but the continued rug-sweeping isn't healthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I does to me.

 

I caught my wife's EA (with a former PA MM) very shortly after we married. If it had continued (and it would have) for a long time after our wedding ... I would have ended it.

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VeryBrokenMan
VBM, had your wife's affair lasted three months, you'd say 91 days was the cut-off. I hope your marriage recovers, but the continued rug-sweeping isn't healthy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm sorry your bitterness and anger does not let you see all sides of an argument.

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Mrs. John Adams

We can only speculate as to how we would react if things had been different.

What if i had sex with the other man 2 times instead of 1? what if i had sex with him a hundred times? in my case...I am grateful my affair was brief...but the damage to my marriage was great....so would length of time have changed that?

 

My husband always said if i cheated he would divorce me...but he didn't.

 

My husband says he did not have sex with that woman....but what if he had? Would i have reacted any differently than i did?

 

Until we are in the situation we really don't know the answer....we can speculate...but we really do not know.

 

Mr. Lucky..you make a very valid point...if three months is ok...how about 91 days? Very good point.

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badkarma2013
Surely a very brief affair would be less difficult to deal with than something long term. I would think the longer an affair the more likely true attachment, emotion and connection between the WS and AP.

 

How would one know...Noted Infidelity author Shirley Glass It is a Very Long Road to the first kiss..but only a short hop to a full blown PA after that."

 

The may have had an emotional attachment and connection for months or years until the OPPORTUNITY arose and they had their first sexual encounter...

 

They could have been attached for years emotionally and you and I would never know...

 

The point is Dont just assume something to make yourself feel better..Badkarma

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It would make no difference to me.

 

Cheating was, is and always would be, a dealbreaker.

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badkarma2013
We can only speculate as to how we would react if things had been different.

What if i had sex with the other man 2 times instead of 1? what if i had sex with him a hundred times? in my case...I am grateful my affair was brief...but the damage to my marriage was great....so would length of time have changed that?

 

My husband always said if i cheated he would divorce me...but he didn't.

 

My husband says he did not have sex with that woman....but what if he had? Would i have reacted any differently than i did?

 

Until we are in the situation we really don't know the answer....we can speculate...but we really do not know.

 

Mr. Lucky..you make a very valid point...if three months is ok...how about 91 days? Very good point.

 

 

Since "had everything" is speculating ''Lets say you Did Not go to his apartment that fateful day...but continued to see him ..lunch with him and share with him...until say 6-8 months later the affair happened...

 

Is that truly any worse than what happened to Mr. Adams and yourself...Im sorry i cannot see the differance...If I am severely wounded by a enemy combatant or by friendly fire....wounded is wounded and dead is dead....Badkarma

 

PS Mrs. Adams you know the respect I have grown to have for you.....this in no way diminishes that..ok

Edited by badkarma2013
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badkarma2013
It would make no difference to me.

 

Cheating was, is and always would be, a dealbreaker.

 

You are sometimes harsh...but you are true to your convictions ...

 

I respect that...Badkarma

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autumnnight

I think it would depend on the person. For a ONS, the BS could understandably think "You threw us away for a few minutes with some stranger????" For a long A, the BS could think, "You led a double life and fell in love????"

 

I agree with Mrs. A. I don't think we can predict what someone else would or would not do or think.

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Mrs. John Adams
Since "had everything" is speculating ''Lets say you Did Not go to his apartment that fateful day...but continued to see him ..lunch with him and share with him...until say 6-8 months later the affair happened...

 

Is that truly any worse than what happened to Mr. Adams and yourself...Im sorry i cannot see the differance...If I am severely wounded by a enemy combatant or by friendly fire....wounded is wounded and dead is dead....Badkarma

 

PS Mrs. Adams you know the respect I have grown to have for you.....this in no way diminishes that..ok

 

Badkarma...i so respect you and you know that:p

 

I truly don't know the answer...the one thing i ponder about more than anything is what if i had kept my mouth shut. What if I had just not told him what i had done. It would have saved him so much pain...and surely i could have lived with it the rest of my life....but then i think....what if he found out NOW...what would that have done to him? He would have felt like all these years he had been living a lie...and i know i did the right thing by telling him....but I seldom think about what if it had gone on longer...i seldom think what if things had played out differently. My gut says he would have divorced me. When i tell you everything fell into place for us...it truly did and i am happy it turned out the way it did...but one little thing...could have changed everything.

 

Everyone has their limits i guess and i feel in my gut that john was pushed to his...but who knows...I know i do not want to find out.

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badkarma2013
Badkarma...i so respect you and you know that:p

 

I truly don't know the answer...the one thing i ponder about more than anything is what if i had kept my mouth shut. What if I had just not told him what i had done. It would have saved him so much pain...and surely i could have lived with it the rest of my life....but then i think....what if he found out NOW...what would that have done to him? He would have felt like all these years he had been living a lie...and i know i did the right thing by telling him....but I seldom think about what if it had gone on longer...i seldom think what if things had played out differently. My gut says he would have divorced me. When i tell you everything fell into place for us...it truly did and i am happy it turned out the way it did...but one little thing...could have changed everything.

 

Everyone has their limits i guess and i feel in my gut that john was pushed to his...but who knows...I know i do not want to find out.

 

 

 

I would not want to take that bet either...However if you kept it to yourself and Now he found out...or as you have said .."I told him to much" when he found out so many years ago.....or one of countless scenarios....

 

For all us of here the fact remains....Wounded is Wounded and as far as a 'line being crossed within a marriage'...Dead is truly Dead...Badkarma

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It is difficult to say if the length of an affair makes a difference. I think some good points have been made that if it was one more day than your WS's affair, that is one day too long. I do wonder about people who are able to reconcile after two-four year affairs. I would really think that would feel like starting over. We are all different and do not know our limits until they are reached.

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I read a lot of people are remorseful but can someone be truly remorseful if A has lasted years?...can someone truly feel remorse or not have true feelings for the AP if it lasted a certain time period, like some say?

 

Wondering33, since you've posted your A was 6+ years, perhaps we should ask you.

 

Do you feel remorseful :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think the way we answer questions like this often depend on our personal experience. However, I think the true answer is pretty simple. Of course a LTA is more difficult to overcome. More lies, more connection. Our middle child was born about a year before the affair. Due to us being an interracial couple and AP being white I had no doubt as to who was the father (tested her anyways).

 

All the questions that come from LTA's can be taxing.

 

-how much time did she steal from our kids to spend with him

-did he interact with my kids,

-how many times (if any) was in in my house

-did they laugh and joke about me,

-how many times was she with him when I called her from the road,

-how often did she blow me off to spend time with him,

-how much talk was there about being together as the end game,

-how often was there sexual contact with both in the same day,

-when she wanted to do new things sexually was it because it was something she tried with him first.

-why is she here if they had such a great connection

 

The list goes on and on. None of which you may ever "REALLY" know.

 

Those question can be very hard to overcome. And worst yet, they continue to come, the questions that is.

 

With that said, her affair wasn't short (roughly 19, 20 months) so I'm only guessing as to how it would be to deal with a short one or ONS situations. I just can't see it being harder to work thru.

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Mrs. John Adams

DKT3....i am so sorry..you have been through that.

 

you are right....i cannot imagine an LTA being easier to live through than a STA....

 

damn...it all just hurts.

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Wondering33
Wondering33, since you've posted your A was 6+ years, perhaps we should ask you.

 

Do you feel remorseful :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was asking to get a broader thought of others but I'll answer.

 

I didn't at first. I had a lot of anger & resentment towards my husband for a long time. I became ill with a very life threatening condition that lasted several years. He didn't handle it very well & at times blamed me. The way he reacted while I was sick & caring for our new baby, going to school & working (all while not having my body normal) devastated me. I would have much rather found out (at that time) he was having an A, would have been more understandable & honestly not as hurtful (in my case) to me. Time went by & after being told so many times I was going to die, I healed but the damage between us was done. He wasnt there when I needed him most & lost my trust completely. I met someone else & had a connection with him, that I didn't with my husband. I told my husband a year later & that I wanted a divorce, not for the OM buy because I realized that I could have another type of relationship, my husband had been my only bf.

 

My husband begged me to stay & we'd get through this. Went to therapy & things got better for awhile & I had NC with OM, he moved on also. Then one night 2 years later my husbands DDay happened. I talked to the OW & instead of a sorry he packed his stuff & left. I ran into my OM during this time & it restarted. During that time I felt no guilt. Then our first holiday apart came & my husband lost his mind & everything from both sides came out, the anger sadness, just everything. We decided to work on our marriage & it was the first time I saw him remorseful & after that I felt it too! & we conceived our 2nd child that night. Things have been very good since that night.

 

The OM I will always care for, he was there for me when my husband wasn't & it was very emotional. Am I over it, as in im happy with my husband now & do t want that, yes very much so. He is a weakness though & I'll probably never stop caring about him but it's been NC for over a year & I try to avoid seeing him, it's just difficult because of his job, he pops up. I have remorse that I made my husband feel the way he did, truly I do but to be honest, all of the crap we went through I think saved our marriage. Him & I both screwed up & I now know that no matter what, we can forgive & fight through anything together.

 

I know a ling answer!

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DKT3....i am so sorry..you have been through that.

 

you are right....i cannot imagine an LTA being easier to live through than a STA....

 

damn...it all just hurts.

 

You know, LTA or STA what is important is she (from the second she was served) has done everything in her power to be better. I can live with that, no I look forward to living with that. She hasn't been perfect, in fact before I had her served she was horrible which is why I had her served.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is the attitude of the WS can go a long way to smooth things over.

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When someone post, "I dumped my WS bc WS did X" they are on solid ground. Good for them.

 

WHen someone says, "My WS only did X, so I'm reconciling. If WS did X+Y, well then I'd never have attempted to reconcile." That is just bragging and falsely trying to be superior to those they think are less than them.

 

No one knows what they would do with respect to affairs unless tested. I'd wager 90% or more of BS would have answered, before Dday, that one hint of an affair and they would be gone. What an eye opener Dday can be, in more ways than one. Makes some of us a lot less sure of predicting what we would do in untested waters.

 

As far as LTA versus shorter affairs, even short affairs can be very full of infatuation and soul mate crap. So what perhaps is more relevant to ask is, was the affair in question more or less full of ILU bull crap and affair fog, versus those that were just for sex.... I think if you can get over the fact your WS had an affair, that is the biggest hurdle. After that, whether they had pet names for each other, future faked, had affair fog love or did it in your bed, it all makes it worse, it all hurts the BS more but the first bit, just having an affair, getting over that is the biggest step, IMHO.

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I was asking to get a broader thought of others but I'll answer.

 

I didn't at first. I had a lot of anger & resentment towards my husband for a long time. I became ill with a very life threatening condition that lasted several years. He didn't handle it very well & at times blamed me. The way he reacted while I was sick & caring for our new baby, going to school & working (all while not having my body normal) devastated me. I would have much rather found out (at that time) he was having an A, would have been more understandable & honestly not as hurtful (in my case) to me. Time went by & after being told so many times I was going to die, I healed but the damage between us was done. He wasnt there when I needed him most & lost my trust completely. I met someone else & had a connection with him, that I didn't with my husband. I told my husband a year later & that I wanted a divorce, not for the OM buy because I realized that I could have another type of relationship, my husband had been my only bf.

 

My husband begged me to stay & we'd get through this. Went to therapy & things got better for awhile & I had NC with OM, he moved on also. Then one night 2 years later my husbands DDay happened. I talked to the OW & instead of a sorry he packed his stuff & left. I ran into my OM during this time & it restarted. During that time I felt no guilt. Then our first holiday apart came & my husband lost his mind & everything from both sides came out, the anger sadness, just everything. We decided to work on our marriage & it was the first time I saw him remorseful & after that I felt it too! & we conceived our 2nd child that night. Things have been very good since that night.

 

The OM I will always care for, he was there for me when my husband wasn't & it was very emotional. Am I over it, as in im happy with my husband now & do t want that, yes very much so. He is a weakness though & I'll probably never stop caring about him but it's been NC for over a year & I try to avoid seeing him, it's just difficult because of his job, he pops up. I have remorse that I made my husband feel the way he did, truly I do but to be honest, all of the crap we went through I think saved our marriage. Him & I both screwed up & I now know that no matter what, we can forgive & fight through anything together.

 

I know a ling answer!

 

Nevermind, it wasn't helpful.

Edited by DKT3
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pheonixrisen

18 months 17 days felt like a life time ...dday ( 3years ago)

Was 2 weeks after our 5th wedding anniversary ..We are in R and next month is our 8th anniversary ....He took away 2 years of our marriage and gave it too someone else ...that hurts every time i think about it...

 

My exit plan was not based on the length of deception whether it was 18 days or 18 months ..It would have been painful just the same ...my staying in marriage was solely based on his Remorse and hard work to save the marriage

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