What have I done

[HadEverything]

I have been lurking here for a few months and am desperate for some advice.Particularly from WWs that have re-earned the trust of their husbands aftertheir affair.

 

 

I guess I start with my story. When I met my husband he was everything I everwanted in a man. He was bold and exciting, fun to be around and everyonegravitated to him. He seemed invincible to me. At the time he wasa competitive fighter and although a very nice person he had a habit ofstarting trouble when we would be out with friends drinking. Nothing tooserious but he liked to fight and I always found it a huge turn on. We spent a yeardating and then moved in together and soon after became pregnant with our firstof 2 sons. We were not in a great place financially when we had our first child as myhusband was still in university, but he promised me he would make a greatlife for us. He did exactly as he said he would and worked very hard to build agreat career and very comfortable life for our family. 15 years later we livein a very nice neighbourhood with our children in great schools, able to playall the sports they would like and we lack for nothing. Our sex life was alwaysvery good and my husband continued to train in kickboxing so he was very sexyand fit. He was loving and attentive to me and did everything a woman couldever want from her man.

 

 

Our problem started when I began to feel bored with life. I was attending PTAmeetings and running our kids from school to sports practice and back again. Ihad been going out a few times a week with a group of moms from the kid’sschool and sports and we would have a few drinks and dance and have a goodtime. One of the moms who was recently divorced brought along a guy she wasseeing and a few of his friends one night. All of these guys were bodybuilder type guys and they were so brash and almost obnoxious, but they seemedso confident and edgy I just felt attracted almost immediately. Theywere so different than our safe and wholesome family life several of the womanmade comments and we joked about how sexy they were. One of them wasbeing very attentive to me and we spent a long time talking that night and hegave me his number. I knew of course I was being foolish but I just didn't seethe danger. We began texting each other and as you can imagine it didn't takelong to go further. We had sex 2 times in the following month and although the sex was better with my husband something about tawdry way my AP actedand treated me made me feel excited and naughty. I was such an idiot.

 

One night I was out with the moms group and had too much to drink when my APand 1 of his friends showed up. I was thrilled to see him although wehad strict rules about how we behaved in public as usual his attitude was thathe didn't care and because of the drinking I let my guard down and wasn't asadamant about no contact in public. He would keep slapping my butt when hethought no one was looking and touching me under the table where no one couldsee. Well people could see and we were not being as sneaky as we thought. Oneof the moms from the group was leaving and her husband saw what was going onand called my husband.

 

 

I thought I was so clever telling the group we were with that he was just drivingme home along with his friend but I believe by now they were all aware of whatI was doing. As we left the bar and walked to his car he started grabbing at memore and more and lifting my skirt right in front of his friends. In myintoxicated state I made a half-hearted attempt to tell him to stop but wasgiggling and playing along. I didn't realise at the time but my husband was walking just behind us and saw all of this. When we reached his car he grabbed me and gave me adeep kiss that lasted a long time. As soon as we stopped kissing I realised hisfriend was talking to someone on the other side of the car. I looked over andmy heart fell. It was my husband of 15 years.

He was so calm looking but so angry at the same time. He told AP that I washis wife and to get his hands off. AP immediately puffed out hischest and told my husband that he would be smart to run away and forget what hesaw. I was so ashamed and for my husband to have to be a part of my APs tauntswas something beyond terrible. I could see AP’s friend already walking aroundbehind my husband and I just knew they were going to hurt him. My husband stoodstaring me in the eye with the most disappointment I could ever imagine insomeone, it absolutely broke my heart. My husband is who he is and to mydisbelief AP and his friend did not hurt him much but rather after a fewminutes struggle AP and his friend both lay on the ground bleeding andbattered. I could hear AP whimpering and asking my husband to stop but he stoodover him hitting him again and again. I thought he was going to kill him and Iyelled for him to please stop. He did stop immediately but again turned to lookat me with that horrible disappointment in his eyes. He told me later he saw myplea to stop as choosing AP over him.

 

 

Since that night he will not even talk to me about what happened. He has never askedme any questions and within a week had rented me a condo close by and moved meout of our family home. Almost exactly a month after the incident he had me serveddivorce papers and refuses to speak to me about any of it. My children knowwhat happened as of course so many people we know were there to witness andpeople always talk. There was some brief legal trouble for my husband becauseof the fight but I believe that has been resolved with little issue for himthank goodness. I am so ashamed of myself. I am so desperate for help here. Iknow I don’t deserve a second chance but all I can think of is that I foolishlytraded in my lion for a chance to run with hyenas. Now I see that I had thereal tough guy/bad boy already and betrayed him with a pitiful pretender.

 

 

I see some much on here from BS about doing so much to try to R with WW and Ionly dream of that chance. How can I get him to give me a second chance when hewill not even talk to me? He seems like he has completely moved on already andit is such a difference from the man who I knew before, so cold and emotionlesswhen we talk. I know I am the bad guy here but I can’t tell you the level of despairand depression I have come to know. Please any advice anyone has to offer onhow I can even get him to talk to me about this. I know I am likely to be bashed here and I deserve that but please please anything that might help us to recover.

Edited March 12, 2015 by HadEverything

[Clay]

Some men don't want a second chance with there wives. Your husband might just be one of those men. I think if you want to do the right thing now then give him the divorce and fight him for nothing. Show humility and compassion. If you ever want him back in your life your going to have to do the heavy lifting and this might not happen until you are divorced.

 

Clay

[BetrayedH]

Beyond communicating that you're willing to do whatever it takes, I'm not sure what else to advise you. It would be wise to take as many actions as you can think of to demonstrate your remorse. If you are not in individual counseling (IC), you should get yourself scheduled. If there is to be any chance, your husband is going to want to know "why" so you easily discarded your marriage. And that answer has nothing to do with him or thr marriage; it has everything to do with your choice, and that's why IC is critical. It also shows that you are doing more than saying words. Your words will mean nothing.

 

I'm sorry to say it but it may just be necessary for you to accept that these are the consequences of your actions. Some men simply will never tolerate infidelity. The fact that he witnessed you so casually playing around with these azzholes may simply be too big of a blow for you to recover. He gave you 15 years and from what he saw, betraying him wasn't even a big deal - you did it in front of everyone and didn't even do it for love. It shows that your value for him was nil. Why would he want that back?

[anika99]

I think in this case your husband is right to divorce you and move on with his life.

 

 

When you met him you were attracted to thrills and bad boys. Your husband became a father, grew up and became a responsible man. Gave you the life he promised you and you became bored. His loyalty and devotion to his family didn't turn you on so you went looking for cheap thrills. Relieving your boredom was more important to you than protecting your family.

 

 

I think you regret that you got caught. I think you feel very sorry for yourself and are hurt by the consequences of your actions but I don't think you have real remorse for what you did to your family. As a matter of fact I think the only reason you still want your husband is because he fought the OM and won. What if the OM had beat the crap out of your husband? What if your husband had seen the fight coming and run away? Then who would you be all hot and bothered for? I suspect that had that fight turned out a different it wouldn't be your husband that you would be chasing, you would want the OM.

 

 

And this goes beyond the cheating. You publicly disrespected and humiliated your husband by blatantly touching and flirting with the OM in front of all your friends. I think both you and your husband will be better off divorced. Since you like tough guys and thrills so much you will probably be happier free and single.

[autumnnight]

OP, I know you are hurting. But think about this. You chose this because you were bored (not that any reason would matter). You allowed it to continue to the point that your friends likely knew what you were doing. Now, your husband is walking through a parking lot, hearing his wife giggle as another man feels her up. THEN your husband sees a passionate kiss. So did everyone else.

 

He steps in while his heart is crushing, and this OM gets all macho with him. I imagine at this point your husband sees "the red haze" and goes ballistic. That is what we do when we feel threatened, and an affair IS a threat. He wails on these guys, and it sounds like it at least began as self defense. Have you ever seen that funny movie "A Christmas Story" when Ralphie just keeps hitting? He did that because it was primal, because there was just too much pent up pain.

 

Now, I am not an advocate of unlawful violence, even if there is a reason for it. But I do understand it. Heck, you threaten me and/or the well being of my family, it won't be fists but it WILL be something. And though I am sure you were scared and didn't want your husband to kill him or go to prison, surely you can understand why he would interpret you telling him to stop beating the threat to his family as choosing the AP.

 

Your job, if you want to recover, is to take 100% responsibility. To put aside your pain for at least a good long time to help you bleeding, crushed, hurt husband. To proactively do everything you can to be trustworthy, transparent and humble. And all of that still may not be enough. THAT is part of the risk of cheating. You may not get him back.

 

I would also recommend IC, but before you choose one, make sure they are pro-marriage and anti-affair and not some hippie "find yourself and your happiness" kind of counselor.

[stillafool]

I think you should just sign your divorce papers and move on. Take what happened as a lesson you learned - that the grass is not greener on the other side, not to cheat on your spouse, and find out why you are attracted to bad boy trash. Your husband saw this guy treat you like a tramp and you were laughing. He will never put you back on that pedestal that most men like to place their wife on. I know it hurts but you will be okay in the end. Good luck.

[purplesorrow]

Have you been in therapy for yourself? If not, that is a good place to start. There isn't really anything you can do to make him talk to you. He has to work through his anger and hurt in his own time. Focus on you and your kids. I hope you find some peace.

[MJJean]

Yes, get into counseling. You need to figure out why you betrayed your marriage and, if your husband does follow through with the divorce, you will need the help to cope.

 

Some men simply cannot be with a woman after they know she has been with or they have seen her with someone else. For some men, their love and desire for the woman dies in that moment. You have to accept that your husband is likely to divorce you.

 

Talk to him. Tell him how horrible and remorseful you feel. Beg, if you have to. Tell him how much you regret what you did and how much you want to work it out through marriage counseling and individual therapy. Let him know exactly how you feel. Tell him you'll be there for him day or night. Be persistent. And, for the love of God, stay home! Don't give him any reason to suspect you are seeing anyone!

 

Good luck.

[LifeWasted]

If this is all true...

 

I don't think you are a bad woman.

 

I think the primordial drive to produce the healthiest offspring is strong in you. With some women it is. I've read up on this and there is a proven link between a woman's need to find the strongest fittest male to father her offspring and woman's infidelity. You are attracted to tough macho men like your husband, so you dress and act provocatively to attract macho men, and, along with the alcohol, you are not above getting a little action on the side to satisfy that primordial drive in you.

 

You are not a bad person. But you are spoiled, too attractive for your own good and morally lazy.

 

I'm glad he beat your lover half to death. I would have been there cheering him on.

 

I think he has moved on and is doing what he needs to do to heal himself and regain his masculinity. He got you a place to live, is still supporting you and does not seem to be intent on trashing your reputation any more than you have already done yourself. He seems like a very good man.

 

If I were you, I would thank my lucky stars that I was not thrown out on the street and having to crash with friends. I would count myself lucky that my husband was giving me a fair divorce and continuing to show me respect in front of my children.

 

I think you need to suck it up, learn from your mistakes, and be the best ex-wife a man could ever have. He's not going to take you back. He will replace you with another woman very soon.

[LifeWasted]

Oh, and you should have jumped on the back of your lover's friend when he tried to double-team your husband, and scratched his face to shreds.

 

You could have done something to help your husband instead of just standing there getting your ego satiated by having these two men fight over you.

[lolablue17]

I don't believe that you love your husband. Forget the cheating, forget the lying, forget your selfishness, I just noticed one thing:

 

When the two guys were going to hurt your husband - You didn't told them to stop. But when your husband managed to protect himself and was hurting AP - you told him to stop!

 

It says everything. I'm proud at your husband - divorcing you silently. He's a kind of person i'd like as a good friend.

[happyman64]

You really "Had Everything".

 

You chose an Apt username.

 

The advice given above is solid. SUck it up. Tell him you are truly sorry.

 

Let him know that you do not want the divorce but you will not contest it.

 

Then ask him when he will communicate with you.

 

You need to give him time. Because your Husband is an Alpha. And they rarely look back.

 

Good Luck. Fight for your family and for your marriage. But also respect his wishes.

 

You can only reconcile if he chooses to. And right now he chooses not to.

 

HM

[Wondering33]

The people I know would NEVER call another person's spouse like that. What you did was a mistake but I HATE when others get into another's life!

 

Men aren't good with public humiliation. He might have forgiven you under different circumstances but the way it happened is a tough one. Not mention the people that ran to tell him are telling everyone that will listen (because I'm sure they are sinless people) which im sure humiliating him even further.

 

All you can do is try & if that doesn't work, you cry it out, take some time to mourn & then work on yourself & children. Go to IC come up with a new life plan, set some goals. You'll eventually have to forgive yourself, which takes time.

 

Remember we ALL make mistakes & sin! Don't let others beat you up, I know you're already doing it yourself, you did it & can't go back, all you can do is move forward.

 

Good luck to you!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The ball is in your husband's court now. You forfeited your options when you had your affair. If he doesn't want to talk to you, then that's his option. He doesn't owe you a second chance. He can decide to offer you a second chance out of grace, but that is his choice; not yours.

[stillafool]

I agree that you should have helped your husband in the fight. I would have kicked my shoes off and went at it with the friend to protect my husband. I also think you should get a job because you have too much time on your hands.

[irishguy]

There is no chance your husband will take you back ,with your behaviour why would he take you back , with the confrontation you never once tried to help him,you did so much wrong that night. Your husband sounds like a great guy , a family guy who has done everything to make your life good. Sorry he deserves better than you so im sure he will trade up . Just concentrate on been a better parent. Ye i have to agree with previous poster , you have had life to easy , its about time you actually worked for something.Get a job.

Edited March 12, 2015 by irishguy

[bubbaganoosh]

From what you described in your post when your husband saw everything that was going on is the final nail in the coffin.

 

It's bad enough to have someone tell your husband that your cheating and that in it's self is painful to here but then he also had to witness you inexcusable behavior and that's a image that will be engrained his his mind until he meets his maker.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath about him coming back. Matter in fact I think he went out of his way and rented an apartment for you. If it were me, I wouldn't care if you lived under a bridge. You got what you deserved but I can promise you this. If you think your hurting, just be glad your not walking in his shoes and had to here and witness what he saw. You don't know what pain is.

[jbrent890]

The people I know would NEVER call another person's spouse like that. What you did was a mistake but I HATE when others get into another's life!

 

Men aren't good with public humiliation. He might have forgiven you under different circumstances but the way it happened is a tough one. Not mention the people that ran to tell him are telling everyone that will listen (because I'm sure they are sinless people) which im sure humiliating him even further.

 

All you can do is try & if that doesn't work, you cry it out, take some time to mourn & then work on yourself & children. Go to IC come up with a new life plan, set some goals. You'll eventually have to forgive yourself, which takes time.

 

Remember we ALL make mistakes & sin! Don't let others beat you up, I know you're already doing it yourself, you did it & can't go back, all you can do is move forward.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Translation: I hate it when people do the right thing and tell their friends that their spouses are cheating on them. I really could not believe you just said that. You must have some toxic friends in your life.

[seren]

I would ask to meet, somewhere neutral and talk, let him know how sorry you are, not for getting busted, but for what you did. If he asks why, then be honest, if he asks what happened, be honest. I would tell him that I regretted everything and ask for forgiveness, even if he chooses to walk away. I would let him know that I loved and wanted him and would do anything and everything for a second chance, but only if I meant everything I said. Maybe he will go away and think about it and give it a go, maybe not. I am not commenting on what happened or why, but think you need to reflect on, what if you feel this way again, we all get bored at times, it's how you deal with it that matters. My H cheated for 8 months, we were married 23 yrs at the time. Nearly 8 yrs later we have reconciled, it isn't easy, but it can be done. Good luck to you both.

[aliveagain]

I have been lurking here for a few months and am desperate for some advice.Particularly from WWs that have re-earned the trust of their husbands aftertheir affair.

 

 

I guess I start with my story. When I met my husband he was everything I everwanted in a man. He was bold and exciting, fun to be around and everyonegravitated to him. He seemed invincible to me. At the time he wasa competitive fighter and although a very nice person he had a habit ofstarting trouble when we would be out with friends drinking. Nothing tooserious but he liked to fight and I always found it a huge turn on. We spent a yeardating and then moved in together and soon after became pregnant with our firstof 2 sons. We were not in a great place financially when we had our first child as myhusband was still in university, but he promised me he would make a greatlife for us. He did exactly as he said he would and worked very hard to build agreat career and very comfortable life for our family. 15 years later we livein a very nice neighbourhood with our children in great schools, able to playall the sports they would like and we lack for nothing. Our sex life was alwaysvery good and my husband continued to train in kickboxing so he was very sexyand fit. He was loving and attentive to me and did everything a woman couldever want from her man.

 

 

Our problem started when I began to feel bored with life. I was attending PTAmeetings and running our kids from school to sports practice and back again. Ihad been going out a few times a week with a group of moms from the kid’sschool and sports and we would have a few drinks and dance and have a goodtime. One of the moms who was recently divorced brought along a guy she wasseeing and a few of his friends one night. All of these guys were bodybuilder type guys and they were so brash and almost obnoxious, but they seemedso confident and edgy I just felt attracted almost immediately. Theywere so different than our safe and wholesome family life several of the womanmade comments and we joked about how sexy they were. One of them wasbeing very attentive to me and we spent a long time talking that night and hegave me his number. I knew of course I was being foolish but I just didn't seethe danger. We began texting each other and as you can imagine it didn't takelong to go further. We had sex 2 times in the following month and although the sex was better with my husband something about tawdry way my AP actedand treated me made me feel excited and naughty. I was such an idiot.

 

One night I was out with the moms group and had too much to drink when my APand 1 of his friends showed up. I was thrilled to see him although wehad strict rules about how we behaved in public as usual his attitude was thathe didn't care and because of the drinking I let my guard down and wasn't asadamant about no contact in public. He would keep slapping my butt when hethought no one was looking and touching me under the table where no one couldsee. Well people could see and we were not being as sneaky as we thought. Oneof the moms from the group was leaving and her husband saw what was going onand called my husband.

 

 

I thought I was so clever telling the group we were with that he was just drivingme home along with his friend but I believe by now they were all aware of whatI was doing. As we left the bar and walked to his car he started grabbing at memore and more and lifting my skirt right in front of his friends. In myintoxicated state I made a half-hearted attempt to tell him to stop but wasgiggling and playing along. I didn't realise at the time but my husband was walking just behind us and saw all of this. When we reached his car he grabbed me and gave me adeep kiss that lasted a long time. As soon as we stopped kissing I realised hisfriend was talking to someone on the other side of the car. I looked over andmy heart fell. It was my husband of 15 years.

He was so calm looking but so angry at the same time. He told AP that I washis wife and to get his hands off. AP immediately puffed out hischest and told my husband that he would be smart to run away and forget what hesaw. I was so ashamed and for my husband to have to be a part of my APs tauntswas something beyond terrible. I could see AP’s friend already walking aroundbehind my husband and I just knew they were going to hurt him. My husband stoodstaring me in the eye with the most disappointment I could ever imagine insomeone, it absolutely broke my heart. My husband is who he is and to mydisbelief AP and his friend did not hurt him much but rather after a fewminutes struggle AP and his friend both lay on the ground bleeding andbattered. I could hear AP whimpering and asking my husband to stop but he stoodover him hitting him again and again. I thought he was going to kill him and Iyelled for him to please stop. He did stop immediately but again turned to lookat me with that horrible disappointment in his eyes. He told me later he saw myplea to stop as choosing AP over him.

 

 

Since that night he will not even talk to me about what happened. He has never askedme any questions and within a week had rented me a condo close by and moved meout of our family home. Almost exactly a month after the incident he had me serveddivorce papers and refuses to speak to me about any of it. My children knowwhat happened as of course so many people we know were there to witness andpeople always talk. There was some brief legal trouble for my husband becauseof the fight but I believe that has been resolved with little issue for himthank goodness. I am so ashamed of myself. I am so desperate for help here. Iknow I don’t deserve a second chance but all I can think of is that I foolishlytraded in my lion for a chance to run with hyenas. Now I see that I had thereal tough guy/bad boy already and betrayed him with a pitiful pretender.

 

 

I see some much on here from BS about doing so much to try to R with WW and Ionly dream of that chance. How can I get him to give me a second chance when hewill not even talk to me? He seems like he has completely moved on already andit is such a difference from the man who I knew before, so cold and emotionlesswhen we talk. I know I am the bad guy here but I can’t tell you the level of despairand depression I have come to know. Please any advice anyone has to offer onhow I can even get him to talk to me about this. I know I am likely to be bashed here and I deserve that but please please anything that might help us to recover.

 

Read the bolded script over and over and over again. You are in a bar with your lover and his friends, everyone see's how shameless you flaunt yourself. During the confrontation when it's two against one against your husband you do sh*t to help him but feel sorry that he's about to get the sh*t kicked out of him. Then when your husband is wiping up the parking lot with the guy you've been banging you beg him to stop, ya, you showed him you deserve a second change.

 

Second chances are earned, earn it.

[jackslife]

You picked your husband because he was an alpha male. Aggressive, violent, fit, dominant. All of the things that you could want in a man's man he had in spades. None of this metrosexual nonsense for this fella. But here is your problem, the very reasons you were attracted to him in the first place are the very reasons he has moved you out and served you with divorce papers.

 

No self recrimination, no talk of reconciliation, no going on loveshack to ask advice. This is a black and white guy in his world you were his woman until you screwed around, at that point it was over in his eyes.

 

If you were married to another kind of guy then you may have had a chance at reconciliation. But you didn't you wanted a tough, fighting, alpha male and those guys don't reconcile with cheating wives.

[stillafool]

Translation: I hate it when people do the right thing and tell their friends that their spouses are cheating on them. I really could not believe you just said that. You must have some toxic friends in your life.

 

I have to agree with you. Also what she did was not a mistake but a choice.

[autumnnight]

I would ask to meet, somewhere neutral and talk, let him know how sorry you are, not for getting busted, but for what you did. If he asks why, then be honest, if he asks what happened, be honest. I would tell him that I regretted everything and ask for forgiveness, even if he chooses to walk away. I would let him know that I loved and wanted him and would do anything and everything for a second chance, but only if I meant everything I said. Maybe he will go away and think about it and give it a go, maybe not. I am not commenting on what happened or why, but think you need to reflect on, what if you feel this way again, we all get bored at times, it's how you deal with it that matters. My H cheated for 8 months, we were married 23 yrs at the time. Nearly 8 yrs later we have reconciled, it isn't easy, but it can be done. Good luck to you both.

 

In addition to the above, put some things on your reading list:

 

Surviving an Affair. It not only spells out the ugly truth of affairs, it gives you actual practical things to do from your end

 

Not Just Friends: It can help you see why that slippery slope is so dangerous

[Wondering33]

Translation: I hate it when people do the right thing and tell their friends that their spouses are cheating on them. I really could not believe you just said that. You must have some toxic friends in your life.

 

A marriage is between the people that are in it. Toxic people are the one's that stick their nose where it doesn't belong! You NEVER get respect for being a snitch, what do you get from it? Who made certain people think their God & to get involved with other people's lives?Unless you're sin free (Jesus was the only person I can think of) you have no business getting involved when it doesn't concern you! You don't get life points from being a trouble maker & sure as hell doesn't make you righteous!

[pheonixrisen]

What he saw that night ...His wife and mother letting a man feel her up in front of his friends and others ..is ingrained in his head forever ..He wakes up with it and goes to sleep with it...

 

I think you should let him heal in peace ...He probably does not want to hear your side because it would not make a difference to him or minimise the pain in any way ....besides what can you tell him I funked a guy twice behind your back and let him feel me up like a delinquent juvenile because I got bored at home with you...and no when he was doing it I never once taught what it would do to you or for the consequences my action would bring for my son's ...you jeopardised your family all for a feel up your skirt by a funking looser ...

 

your h grew up ...you are still a teenager ...leave him be ....