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Can't stop thinking about coworker


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I am married with children and my coworker is as well. We have been acquaintances for many years and after a work trip with other coworkers, we seemed to become fairly close. (some flirtation but really not a big deal)

Lately, I've had more feelings about him and even had a sexual dream about him. He had even suggested that he had one about me. With the idea of real life (the kids, cleaning, cooking), life just gets so boring.

 

In another life, I don't see myself dating him nor being married to him but we have a chemistry which cannot be explained.

He makes sexual innuendos to me and about me (in front of me). He also always seems to be playfully touching my arm or playfully running into me, at times commenting on how I look (not crudely, but that I look nice) and is sometimes in my personal space (which I haven't seemed to mind) - I don't know if this is just the type of person he is (to enter into someone's personal space.)

 

He can be awkward at times so I don't know if he realizes the sexual innuendos and how inappropriate they may seem (but I don't seem to mind, which I know is wrong).

 

As far as other coworkers, I don't know if I have witnessed him playfully touching anyone else or acting the same way he does to me.

I could be completely overreacting to his actions.

 

I know it's wrong but I can't stop thinking about him. We don't work too closely together but I do see him almost everyday or talk to him so there can be no real avoiding. I also would never act upon my feelings nor do I think he would cross the line. It's just driving me crazy!

Edited by amrak1
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Mrs. John Adams

I am afraid you are dangerously close to crossing a line. Please reevaluate and remove yourself from this situation before it is too late.

 

Many affairs begin innocently

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Rainbowlove
I am married with children and my coworker is as well. We have been acquaintances for many years and after a work trip with other coworkers, we seemed to become fairly close. (some flirtation but really not a big deal)

Lately, I've had more feelings about him and even had a sexual dream about him. He had even suggested that he had one about me. With the idea of real life (the kids, cleaning, cooking), life just gets so boring.

 

In another life, I don't see myself dating him nor being married to him but we have a chemistry which cannot be explained.

He makes sexual innuendos to me and about me (in front of me). He also always seems to be playfully touching my arm or playfully running into me, at times commenting on how I look (not crudely, but that I look nice) and is sometimes in my personal space (which I haven't seemed to mind) - I don't know if this is just the type of person he is (to enter into someone's personal space.)

 

He can be awkward at times so I don't know if he realizes the sexual innuendos and how inappropriate they may seem (but I don't seem to mind, which I know is wrong).

 

As far as other coworkers, I don't know if I have witnessed him playfully touching anyone else or acting the same way he does to me.

I could be completely overreacting to his actions.

 

I know it's wrong but I can't stop thinking about him. We don't work too closely together but I do see him almost everyday or talk to him so there can be no real avoiding. I also would never act upon my feelings nor do I think he would cross the line. It's just driving me crazy!

 

Please spend some time reading posts from those of who have experienced the ugliness and devastation wrapped in affairs.

 

You are living on the edge and in a fantasy land.

 

He is giving you attention that you clearly need and are craving.

 

Besides boredom, what's missing in your marriage?

 

Tell us about your husband. What kind of man, husband and father is he?

 

I'm thinking you don't want to be homeless, in divorce court and a part time mother or do you? Will that be exciting enough for you?

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That sexual chemistry is not inexplainable and happens to many throughout life but doesn't mean it should be acted upon.

 

Tell your husband; it will immediately diffuse the desire.

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Southern Sun

amrak, I'm going to be straight with you. There are two possible outcomes here, and one of them will take you straight to hell (and maybe not back again). And I'm not even talking in a religious sense.

 

You can view this for what it is, which is an infatuation that can PASS, or you can indulge it, think about it, fantasize about it, and eventually cross the line and potentially destroy your life. No kidding. You can ruin your entire life, and that of your spouse and children (if there are any) just because you decide, at some point, to find out what that other person/situation feels like.

 

If you can find it in yourself, I implore you - just stop going there in your mind, draw a line with this person and commit to communication that is ONLY for business purposes. Or no communication at all if you can. Stop it before it goes even one step further. I promise, the only regret you will have is if you DON'T choose this path.

 

Take it from someone who has been there...

 

Southern

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You still have the ability to back out of this before a great deal of damage is done.

 

I think you should talk to your husband, too.

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Thank you all for your comments.

 

I would never act upon these feelings nor would he. This is merely an infatuation which I realize is wrong. I think I just needed to get it out because it has been stewing. I do realize the attention I am getting is from the wrong person.

 

I do hope it does pass soon.

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I've been where you are a few times and my advice is start pulling back from it now.

I tend to befriend interesting women because I like female company. The trouble is it often leads to the situation you are in at which point it becomes painful to disengage. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

What alerts me and tells me it is time to stop is when I start making mental comparisons with my wife.

Incidentally I have deliberately sought out physically unattractive women for friendship thinking that would be safe. It isn't. I still find myself getting too attached and attracted to them.

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Rainbowlove
I would never act upon these feelings nor would he

 

Strike one.

 

You are thinking about it - therefore, it's on your radar. He's also displaying interest.

 

Don't tell yourself this is nothing.

 

How would your husband feel if he saw the two of you playing with each other and hearing your conversations?

 

Don't dismiss this as nothing.

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Thank you all for your comments.

 

I would never act upon these feelings nor would he. This is merely an infatuation which I realize is wrong. I think I just needed to get it out because it has been stewing. I do realize the attention I am getting is from the wrong person.

 

I do hope it does pass soon.

 

It will pass when you stop doing it.

 

It's something that you and he are doing, not something that is happening to you.

 

You might benefit from reading this.

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Everyone says it would never happen until it does. Then it only gets worse.

 

Ask yourself one simple, yet very important question:

 

Do you love your husband?

 

If you answer yes, then you need to distance yourself from this situation immediately. Find a way to avoid the other guy at all times.

 

One thing you will learn from this forum of the damned is that Just Friends can often lead to weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. You can not imagine the horror that your life, and the lives of those around you, could become.

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I said the same exact thing about my AP who was my coworker, "he's just my friend, I would never cheat and neither would he"

 

Two years later and here I am trying to get out of hell.

 

If you want to keep your life and sanity stay away from this guy unless you have and only speak to him about work when you have to.

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I would never act upon these feelings nor would he.

 

Not true.

 

You said he was making blatant sexual innuendo which means he is test the waters. The fact that you didn't shut him down IMMEDIATELY indicates that he is interested and would - in fact - act upon it.

 

Seriously, these feelings "will not pass" if you don't actively work to shut them down and the best way is to confess them to your husband. Get them out in the open and diffuse them. Bottle them and they will grow.

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Ask to get into a different department or confess your emotional affair to your husband and get a different job. Or if you're capable establish boundaries.

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I do hope it does pass soon.

 

You act as though you've caught a cold. This is more like being on a diet in that you make choices every day that play into your eventual success or failure.

 

Have you told your husband, not about your feelings, but about this guy's inappropriate actions and comments? I'd do that and tell Romeo you've alerted your spouse. Bet all this nonsense would come to an immediate halt.

 

Unless you don't want it to ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Midwestmissy

Let me give you a peek into your future: not sure how old your kids are, but here goes - your spouse senses something is wrong, begs for marital therapy, which you attend, spend thousands of dollars, and lie about the fact that the marriage is crumbling - it's crumbling because you have emotionally abandoned the marriage and family and are full on in an affair. But of course to you, that's not the issue - your idiot spouse is! Phone records will show that you call the ap as soon as therapy sessions end, your texting goes from 150 month to over 700. You feel so good, that if the connection is broken you will die. You text while away with your family, proving to everyone at the dinner table with you that something more important is at the other end of the phone, always. Even during kids birthdays, recitals. The ap knows what you're doing and wants you to risk more and more and of course you want to risk it too! So fun, finally someone gets me and doesn't judge me for being a cheating liar! Superficial ego strokes are so fun! Finally, you are understood and appreciated! Your pathetic spouse is physically reacting to being rejected (puking every hour) but you deny deny deny - then call your ap and talk about your pathetic spouse and how he makes himself throw up to look even more pathetic.

 

When proof is found, by your spouse, then the teenagers in the house, your oldest child screams obscene gory horrific names at you that make your knees buckle, but unfortunately, they are dead-on accurate for describing what you did and who you are, so there's a lot of nodding in agreement as opposed to disciplining. Your middle child wonders what's going to happen to our family - what about the baby? Who's going to hold him and hug him and love him and protect him thru this she asks - why didn't you think of that? We are leaving home soon, but the baby! why is a 15 yr old girl thinking of the family you never considered? When you correct them they scoff at you and tell you to eff off because you've done the worst thing and have no leg to stand on. And they remind you of that. One daughter sees a businessman on a bus texting a woman "when's ur husband leaving town?" And runs home hyperventilating and sobbing. Good luck regaining their respect. Or helping her when her boyfriend cheats on her.

 

This is but one set of scenarios that played out when my h's pa came to light. How they held me, dry heaving on the bathroom floor. How they laughed with disgust when they found out who it was and how they can never look at their dad the same way again. We are now spending $2500 month on therapy for everyone, including the $$ for the dog walker since no one wants to be in the house anymore. I'm holding on by one sane thread so I can model good behavior for them. And I'd probably give myself a D+.

 

Then there's the medical hell I've experienced - std testing, stress induced female problems and invasive tests that those entail, hair loss, in clumps. Or the in-laws triangulating everyone and telling everyone what they really have always thought of this marriage. Sobbing and throwing up in public. On the fr@@@@!!subway on my way to work. The other bh and the dumped mow acting bonkers - turns out the compassionate, kind, good listener, people-helping, totally accepting mow was in fact a serial cheater who had screwed up the family business relationships (she was my h's direct report). And she was like the village bicycle in the industry trying to eff her way from her trailer trash life into a better tax bracket. Oh my, when she was fired and replaced, the company went on an upswing financially! She was a toxic slime (and looks like dirty pillowcase, not sexy or pretty, bad clothes, just icky) and he was a complete imbecile with an expensive suit who had watched this crap go down with others, but this was different of course because he was so super smart and controlled and controlling and she respected him and they were lying to their spouses but not each other! Of course not, they weren't bad people, silly! They told each other that all the time! We are good people!

 

Because theirs was the special kind of 8 month affair, the one in the history of the world that had no fallout, lies, pain or repercussions. Because she "got" him and didn't judge him, what could possibly go wrong?

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Any reason why you can't look for a different job with a different company? Having these feelings is something that might (I say "might") lead to something more in the future. Why take a chance? Get away from this guy? I've read more than I really care to on this site (and others) how infatuations have lead to marital disaster. They "didn't mean" for it to happen, but "it just happened." I hope that doesn't happen to you, and not just for your sake, but for the sake of your husband and children.

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The fact that he knows you are married earns him the right to have his teeth knocked in. Pretty simple. You need to deal with your own behavior.

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