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Husband thinks I'm a cheater, can our marriage survive without trust?


SaveYourHeart

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SaveYourHeart

Hello all, I'm new here and was hoping to get some advice:

 

I started dating my husband 3 years ago (I was an entirely different person) after getting out of an abusive 'relationship' (was never exclusive) with a meth head that I thought I could 'save'. Since we weren't exclusive, I had been sharing my heart with a man from Canada who seemed to be completely smitten with me. We talked for almost a year before his band visited town again in September of 2012. I started dating my now husband in August of 2012.

 

I kept my word and saw the band, I even took all the guys cupcakes for the road. Nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but my emotions were very confused. I traveled 5 hrs to see the band one more time and try to figure out where my heart wanted to be. During the second trip, nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but I also didn't tell my now husband where I was going. While I was there, I decided that the only place my heart wanted to be was home with my now husband.

 

He figured it out before I even got back, exactly where I had been. He confronted me and we worked through it (or so I thought). A year later he proposed to me and everything has been great. A year and change after he proposed, we got married. Everything was great.

 

Now we've been married for a few months. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't trust me like I thought he did. He gives me some b.s. number like "I trust you 92.1%". All of this was stemming from that incident almost 3 years ago, where I chose HIM. Recently, he's been assuming that I'm cheating because I've been helping a homeless girl, helping a friend who was having a hard time in her relationship, working horses at the barn, and not being home all the time.

 

I don't like sitting on the couch on my off days, I like to get things done and enjoy myself a bit with things I can't do on work days. I've always been like that, but because we got married, our bank account has been hurting, so I've been trying to find inexpensive things to do to occupy my time, apparently that makes me a cheater. Now he's going through my phone (no big deal, nothing to hide, but would be nice if he asked) and my facebook. He has basically told me that he'll never trust me 100%. Granted, he had a decent enough reason to be weary of me three years ago, but I've devoted my heart to him, I trust him with every ounce of my being, I respect him and would never do anything to intentionally hurt him, especially cheat on him! I have worked very hard to regain his trust and thought that I had his trust when he proposed/married/committed to spending his life with me.

 

I was wrong, and now I'm not sure I want to continue to build my world around someone who will never fully trust me. I have talked with him about his trust issues numerous times, expressed how uncomfortable I am without him making the effort to trust me when I have made the effort to change and adapt. He gives me everything else in the world, except for the thing I think is the foundation for any relationship, trust. Do you think marriage can survive without trust? What should I do?

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autumnnight

Since you do not have a time machine, I am not going to dissect what you did or did not do in 2012 when you were not exclusive with the man at the time.

 

He figured out your second trip. You both worked through it. He continued to date you. He proposed to you of his own volition. He married you of his own volition.

 

I'm sorry, his after the fact punishment and questioning doesn't wash. Period.

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Okay, I can see where you're coming from and I can also see where he is coming from.

 

 

You can tell him that nothing happened, but that would be kind of hard to swallow if you were willing to drive 5 hours to see a guy. Why would you go to all that trouble and claim that nothing happened? That's what's going through his mind right now. And on the flip side, he should have never agreed to marry you UNTIL he had a chance to work through these issues of insecurity that he's having. Because, it's obvious that it's not fair to you or him to try and deal with this now when it should have been dealt with years ago.

 

 

I strongly advise you to go to marriage counseling and for you to work with a professional that can help you communicate better with your husband and help him work through his insecurity and trust issues.

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No it will not survive without trust, and you seem to understand this already.

 

It's time to put the cards on the table. Mention your concerns and explain that you need his trust in order for your relationship to work. Just lay down the cold hard facts, how you feel, and what it does to you. Before resentment sets in.

 

You may propose and discuss some compromises to ease him into trusting you, although you don't owe him that. Your willingness and his willingness to work this out will decided the outcome of all this.

 

Lastly, it can be entirely true that this is solely his issue, self-esteem related, or whatever. Since no one has actually cheated, there is still hope. But I think the situation requires pure honesty, mindfulness, willingness, and immediate care.

 

Good luck to you.

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Absolutely trust is very important in a relationship. Without it, there will always be one side weary of the other and possibly resentful. However, he does feel this, this is something he needs to work through, in order to have a happy, working, healthy marriage. I wonder why he married you, knowing this?

 

I suggest some counselling sessions, at least, before you give up.

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SawtoothMars

I kept my word and saw the band, I even took all the guys cupcakes for the road. Nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but my emotions were very confused. I traveled 5 hrs to see the band one more time and try to figure out where my heart wanted to be. During the second trip, nothing happened, I didn't cheat, but I also didn't tell my now husband where I was going. While I was there, I decided that the only place my heart wanted to be was home with my now husband.

He figured it out before I even got back, exactly where I had been. He confronted me and we worked through it (or so I thought).

 

Ok... first the idea that nothing happened is very far fetched. I'm not saying it isn't true... I'm just saying it's hard as hell to believe.

 

You did not disclose this... granted your relationship was new, but you still basically lied and dated another guy. Had you been honest this probably wouldn't be an issue.

 

So... yes there is a reason to distrust you. That said... this is 3 years past. He should be getting over it... or at least getting better. Instead he seems to be regressing. Why? Have you asked him?

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SaveYourHeart

Elias33, I have discussed all of this with him, and he has promised to make the effort in the past, and I've given up all of my friends and anything that makes him uneasy with no results. Last night, while he was drunk, I asked him if we could see a marriage counselor, he asked why and I responded that ever since he told me that he didn't/never/will never fully trust me, it's all I could think about. I told him that I didn't want to bring children into the world when we needed to work on us. I've repeatedly told him that I'm willing to work on me, and I continue to try to better myself each and every day. It just doesn't seem fair (I know life's not fair) that he refuses to work on himself. He is starting to drink more and that worries me too. It makes me wonder how different life would be if I had chosen Canada over him, I would never cheat, but even thinking those thoughts makes me extremely uncomfortable.

 

Luckily, he agreed to marriage counseling, hopefully he'll remember that agreement today when he's sober.

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SaveYourHeart

SawtoothMars, I knew it was hard to believe, which I guess is part of the reason he's holding it over my head, but it is true that I lied. I immediately came clean, but I never dated Canada, we had never had a chance to discuss our intentions when my husband entered my life. Canada was angry, resentful and sad, but we attempted to exist as friends especially since the rest of the band were my friends as well. It became clear that friendship was not our strong point and we cut off communication from each other, blocked each other on all social media, and blocked each other's phone numbers. I dyed my hair blonde because I knew he liked blondes better, I stopped taking diet pills and throwing up so that I wouldn't worry him. I made it my point in life to prove that I was worthy of my husband's love, I've changed so much and tried to live a good christian life for him, I've sacrificed work and friends for a life with someone who I thought loved and trusted me equally.

 

As far as regressing goes, I gained about 10 lbs (currently running 5 miles per day to get it off) and dyed my hair back red because I feel that it slims my face, I've always had terrible body image. Maybe the red hair is bringing back bad memories?

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As far as regressing goes, I gained about 10 lbs (currently running 5 miles per day to get it off) and dyed my hair back red because I feel that it slims my face, I've always had terrible body image. Maybe the red hair is bringing back bad memories?

 

 

 

BINGO! YES!!!! I think you got it! He's triggering!!!!

 

 

That's it! When this all went down with Canada, you were a red head and that triggered him. He may be associating your red hair as if your reverting back to your desire to be with the other dude! Your red hair is associated with a very painful time in his life when you desired another guy! Sad part its is he's subconsciously doing it. It could explain the trust issue popping up over night and his increased drinking. I mean, it speculative but a very solid theory!

Edited by Chi townD
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The truth is that Trust is the foundation of all marriages and I don't know of any good marriages that survive without it. The fact that you hid you were driving 5 hours to see your Canadian friend is a deception to your now husband. Why would you hide the information from him if you didn't think there was anything wrong? Most men will think that their girlfriend driving 5 hours to see their competition can only mean one thing and it has nothing to do with cupcakes.

 

How will you last a lifetime if you can't get past the trust issue? You can't change what is already done but you can prove that you remained faithful to him and you did choose him over the other guy. Offer him a polygraph as long as he finds the money to pay for it. Make it his choice. My bet is just by making the offer he will finally accept your fidelity. Make the offer, see what he says, it will be the best couple hundred dollars you ever spend.

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SaveYourHeart

aliveagain, I hid driving 5 hours to see Canada because I did know that it was wrong, but I also didn't want to lead him on if my heart wanted to be elsewhere, I needed to know for sure, which was wrong, I shouldn't have started a relationship with him if I wasn't sure.

 

He's a police officer, he thinks polygraphs are useless.

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aliveagain, I hid driving 5 hours to see Canada because I did know that it was wrong, but I also didn't want to lead him on if my heart wanted to be elsewhere, I needed to know for sure, which was wrong, I shouldn't have started a relationship with him if I wasn't sure.

 

He's a police officer, he thinks polygraphs are useless.

 

Than just ask him what it will take to earn his trust. He has to believe your actions, he's a police officer. Change the hair colour.

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Blind trust is folly. I don't think you can have 100% trust in anyone and it's unhealthy if you do. That's just my take.

 

That said, you can certainly do better than you do now. I suggest that you embrace full transparency. Tell him that he is free to investigate whatever he wants, whenever he wants, in any way possible, and that he doesn't need to tell you about any of it. Tell him to investigate until he's satisfied. He can search your phone and computer, he can install GPS trackers, he can install keyloggers, he can have passwords to anything and everything, he can have you followed if it makes him feel better. You have nothing to hide and will hide nothing.

 

When he investigates and finds nothing, you both win.

 

But at some point, whether it be a month, six months, or year down the road when he's concluded that there's nothing to find, he comes to you and gives you full credit for your fidelity and transparency to the point where you don't have to hear about trust issues anymore.

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Yeah, go back to being blonde and don't make a big deal out of it and don't point that fact out. Consider this an experiment. See if going back to blonde calms him down and reverts him back to being the fun loving guy you know.

 

 

Will this solve your problem? Obviously no. The triggering only brought the problem to the surface, but you found out that it was always there. I still think you need to go to marriage counseling. But, another thing you can try is to dedicate a night to him. Cook him his favorite meal, make it romantic and tell him desert will be a little later that night (if you know what I mean!) Let him know that you're HIS girl. That you belong to HIM. Guys are just like girls in this respect. Guys want to feel desired by their girls just like girls want from guys. Again, does this solve the problem? No. But, it does show that you are dedicated to him and want to fix this so you can continue on with your life with him.

Edited by Chi townD
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sinatraverdi
SawtoothMars, I knew it was hard to believe, which I guess is part of the reason he's holding it over my head, but it is true that I lied. I immediately came clean, but I never dated Canada, we had never had a chance to discuss our intentions when my husband entered my life. Canada was angry, resentful and sad, but we attempted to exist as friends especially since the rest of the band were my friends as well. It became clear that friendship was not our strong point and we cut off communication from each other, blocked each other on all social media, and blocked each other's phone numbers. I dyed my hair blonde because I knew he liked blondes better, I stopped taking diet pills and throwing up so that I wouldn't worry him. I made it my point in life to prove that I was worthy of my husband's love, I've changed so much and tried to live a good christian life for him, I've sacrificed work and friends for a life with someone who I thought loved and trusted me equally.

 

As far as regressing goes, I gained about 10 lbs (currently running 5 miles per day to get it off) and dyed my hair back red because I feel that it slims my face, I've always had terrible body image. Maybe the red hair is bringing back bad memories?

 

So basically what you are saying is you are a band groupie who at the least emotionally cheated on your now husband, yet you feel he is lucky to have you since you "chose" him? Maybe your husband feels like second choice. I think 90+ % trust by your husband is very generous of him. Sounds like you are looking for any excuse to bail on the marriage but you don't really need one. Please stop blaming your husband because of his lack of trust due to your prior actions.

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SaveYourHeart

Thank you all for your ideas and opinions, I just set us up for our first marriage counseling session. Hopefully that will help! I think that if we can overcome this earlier rather than later, everything will be ok. I don't want to wake up 20 years from now childless, resentful, and knowing that the person I love will never trust me.

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Rainbowlove
Thank you all for your ideas and opinions, I just set us up for our first marriage counseling session. Hopefully that will help! I think that if we can overcome this earlier rather than later, everything will be ok. I don't want to wake up 20 years from now childless, resentful, and knowing that the person I love will never trust me.

 

Yes, good step here.

 

You know what you did He knew what you did and choose to marry you. He needs to work on this issue with you.

 

Hopefully, you can move past it together. The alternative doesn't sound very loving or healthy for anyone.

 

Best of luck.

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SaveYourHeart

Sinatraverdi, The point of this post was to ask for advice based on an incident that occurred almost three years ago that I thought both of us had gotten over. I got over his porn/craigslist/dating website obsession. The least he could do for me is try to trust me again. I am not looking to bail from my marriage, in fact, I would like more than anything to spend the rest of my life with this man, he's a good man.

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Yes, good step here.

 

You know what you did He knew what you did and choose to marry you. He needs to work on this issue with you.

 

Hopefully, you can move past it together. The alternative doesn't sound very loving or healthy for anyone.

 

Best of luck.

 

Agreed. I think that she needs to acknowledge (with the counselor) that her lie(s) about the 5 hour drive created this sense of mistrust. However, since he subsequently chose to marry her, they now both have an obligation to work on and solve this problem together. He needs to be forthright in saying what it would really take for her to rebuild trust and (unless it's abusive) she needs to embrace that process and do it. Trust doesn't just magically reappear; it needs to be rebuilt.

 

My fear is that he will try to stick with this "I'll never trust you" line and I think she needs to clearly communicate that that's a dealbreaker for her and mean it. It's not that she does all this work and never gets out of the doghouse. It's that she earns that trust again, and he does the work with her to reestablish it. Not solving the problem should be unacceptable. They BOTH do the work.

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Rainbowlove
Rainbowlove, Thank you! :)

 

Here's more advice.

 

Take what you need here from supportive voices who want to help you sort this out and leave the rest.

 

Keep working at your marriage. It's worth it if you can get there together.

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I'm a betrayed boyfriend and a BH from way back.

 

When you went to go see Canada, were you and your now-husband dating exclusively? Were you going steady at the time? You said he did not ask you to marry him until sometime after this happened.

 

If you weren't exclusive at the time, then there was nothing wrong with going to see Canada and get a feel for what he was like. If you were going steady with your now-husband at the time, then yes... you screwed up.

 

But he forgave you and married you anyway. Therefore, he has no right to be holding that incident over your head now. No right whatsoever.

 

Do you think he is cheating on you? Funny to me that his Craigslist/dating site thing did not end up with some kind of end results. Seems to me he might be projecting some guilt. I would start doing some sleuthing.

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SaveYourHeart
Agreed. I think that she needs to acknowledge (with the counselor) that her lie(s) about the 5 hour drive created this sense of mistrust. However, since he subsequently chose to marry her, they now both have an obligation to work on and solve this problem together. He needs to be forthright in saying what it would really take for her to rebuild trust and (unless it's abusive) she needs to embrace that process and do it. Trust doesn't just magically reappear; it needs to be rebuilt.

 

My fear is that he will try to stick with this "I'll never trust you" line and I think she needs to clearly communicate that that's a dealbreaker for her and mean it. It's not that she does all this work and never gets out of the doghouse. It's that she earns that trust again, and he does the work with her to reestablish it. Not solving the problem should be unacceptable. They BOTH do the work.

BetrayedH, EXACTLY. I'm huge on communication, it's what gets us into most of our messes! He's my extreme opposite, an introvert, I love him to pieces, I just need him to talk to me!

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SaveYourHeart
I'm a betrayed boyfriend and a BH from way back.

 

When you went to go see Canada, were you and your now-husband dating exclusively? Were you going steady at the time? You said he did not ask you to marry him until sometime after this happened.

 

If you weren't exclusive at the time, then there was nothing wrong with going to see Canada and get a feel for what he was like. If you were going steady with your now-husband at the time, then yes... you screwed up.

 

But he forgave you and married you anyway. Therefore, he has no right to be holding that incident over your head now. No right whatsoever.

 

Do you think he is cheating on you? Funny to me that his Craigslist/dating site thing did not end up with some kind of end results. Seems to me he might be projecting some guilt. I would start doing some sleuthing.

We were very recently exclusive, we hadn't yet decided on it, but his roommate basically told everyone on his squad that we were exclusive, so we just went with it. I was wrong to start a relationship when I wasn't sure whether or not I was ready for a relationship, but I did it and I'm glad I did. I just wish that I would have cut off Canada right then, instead of investigating my feelings.

 

He told me that he made the dating profile just to see if anyone he knew was on them, that Craigslist browsing was part of his job (prostitutes), and that porn really was an issue. I freaked out, we talked it out, I got over it and forgave him. I asked him to just tell me about it and not let me find out about it on my own. Since then, I've trusted him to tell me the truth and have not been through his phone or computer.

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I got over his porn/craigslist/dating website obsession.

 

 

Wow, the more you talk, the more information comes to light on a problem that was always there and never resolved.

 

 

Porn website. Not a big deal. If the worst he was doing was looking at images on a screen....well, I can tell you about 50 worse things he could have been doing. Guys are very visual creatures, but we also know that porn isn't real. To a guy, porn is like watching sports. Just the naked kind.

 

 

The craiglist and dating websites was probably him weighting the possibilities of what was out there if he was subconsciously thinking that you've always wanted the Canadian dude and you just settled for him. Therefore, he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just as long as he never acted on it. But, that needs to be discussed in counseling as well.

 

 

You have to realize that you did, in fact, cheat on him. It may have not been physical, but you were emotionally invested in another dude. So much so, that you dedicated an enter day to travel long distances just to see this guy. You cheated on him by leaving and being with someone else you were interested in. You cheated him out of equality time that could have been spent with him. So, in a way. That can be viewed as an emotional affair. I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot and he started an online friendship with one of these girls on these dating websites and you found out that he traveled over 5 hours to meet up with her; even if he came back swearing that nothing happened, I speculate you wouldn't be too happy. You would have probably ended the relationship.

 

 

I'm not bashing on you, I just want you to see it through his point of view. But, that was in the past and I believe that you are dedicated to your husband and that he is the one and only man for you. You just got to get HIM to believe it.

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