torn87 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 My husband and I have made so much progress since I posted last were still going to MC but I am no longer seeing my IC. However today my H and I bumped into my exAP. It was horribly awkward even tho no words were exchanged. I had a feeling it was going to happen and whenever there's a chance I might see the ex when my H is present I pretty much look at my feet so I don't notice if the AP is present. I panicked and just pretended I didn't notice the ex was there and didn't look over in that direction even tho it bothered me to behave like an abused spouse who isn't allowed to look around and made me sad to pretend I didn't know who the ex was at all...like wed never met. My H and I have talked about this b4 and he doesn't want me to smile or nod or wave or acknowledge the AP at all even if H isn't around, and while I did try what was asked I don't know what to make of these feelings of dicord. I understand its normal to be sad to ignore someone you were once in love with, but its more the reaction I had that's bothering me. Not looking around keeping my head down .. I understand its normal to feel guilt shame and embarrassment but I don't want to feel controlled. Has anyone else run I to am awkward meeting with an exAP? Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 What exactly did you expect your H to deem acceptable? Would you have preferred to have had an opportunity to hug it out, smile, exchange words? What exactly? I miss you your **** I am sorry i can't speak to you since I chose my H. If you really feel like you still need to acknowledge your AP why did you stay with your H. No one controls you but you. If you stayed that was your choice. Your H doesn't have a leash on you and he is not controlling anything. Not acknowledging the AP should be a sign of respect on your part for your H and your M. You need to prove your loyalty To your H. That is the protocol! If you want your M to work then focus on the man who gave you another chance. Your H. I am sure if you brought this up he'd be upset that you felt so badly about not being able to glance at your ex AP. What is your point? When it's over its over. Go back to IC... You still need it. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) Ignoring this potential homewrecker is the absolute LEAST you can do to try and make up for your stupidity in getting involved with him in the first place. Feeling "controlled" indeed. Poor you! This makes you feel like "an abused spouse?!" You'd better consider this: Your husband has given you a wonderful gift, that of reconciliation. If this is too much for you, and you're feeling "controlled" by having to pretend that you don't see this guy, then why are you even trying? Move on. Give your betrayed husband a gift and let him go, then you can meet the om with your head held high, no "controlling" involved. Would that make you feel better? Edited March 11, 2015 by thummper 7 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I understand its normal to feel guilt shame and embarrassment but I don't want to feel controlled. Has anyone else run I to am awkward meeting with an exAP? how do you feel about your H asking you to act this way? are you angry with your H for making you ignore the xAP? if your H didn't say anything, if he didn't tell you anything - how would you act around your xAP? is your xAP still married, does his partner now about the A & how did he act when he met you (if you were able to see lol)? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I have never ever had any contact of any kind with the om...i have never seen him or run into him...and for that i am grateful. I would like to tell you this....if my husband asked me to jump through hoops of fire....i would do it. Controlled? how about grateful? grateful that your husband has given you the gift of a second chance....Controlled? How about humbling yourself before him and giving him everything he needs to heal from the horrific pain you and the ...AP caused him? Controlled?....maybe you need him to help control you since you could not control yourself and jump into bed with another man. My dear....you have a LONG road ahead of you....you cannot even begin to HEAL your husband until you show some remorse....and this question tells me you still have NO IDEA..... 11 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Did you even think of the pain of your H? reverse the roles. Your H had an A. "he loves her even though she is a horrible person". (just like your OM is not half the man that your H is and I hope you can see that) So you meet his "lover". What "control" would you expect your H to show around his "lover"? I do hope if you see the OM again, if he does try to talk to you, the least you could do for your H, would be to spit in his face, and that would be the only contact. you would also tell your H about not keeping NC. You need to choose your H over the OM. Your feelings that you are sharing, do not show that you are choosing your H over the OM. Your H can't compete with a fantasy and that is what the OM is, just a fantasy. He cheated with you, he will cheat on you. He is not a KISA. (knight in shining armor) I do not think your R is going very well. Be honest with your H, 100% honest so that he does not waste his time. If this is really how you feel and want the OM, then tell your H that you want the D because this is what you want. good luck to you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I can see that thinking ignoring him makes it seem like there is some kind of power still there BUT I agree with the others-if this is what your husband wants, you should do it- As far as being controlled-I don't see it that way- I see it as two married people expressing what they need- don't feel controlled, feel good that your husband is expressing his needs in a positive way- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I might get what you are trying to say. I don't think you want to say hi, or acknowledge his presence at all. You just don't want to come off as a coward(or battered) Am I right? You and your H has come along way as you mentioned, perhaps if you see you Xap you can again, pretend you didn't and instead of looking down at the ground get close to your H, take his hand/rub his back/grab his waist and "look up" at him, into his eyes. Acknowledge your H in the moment. Good luck with your continued R 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 If you really want to R, you should start showing your H that you are choosing him over the AP. Your H has had you drop the "A" bomb on your marriage and his self-esteem. Do something to show your H that you do choose him or file for D. From your postings, you have never helped your H tell the OM's wife about the A. This could help you choose. You and your H tell the POSOM's wife about the A. I do hope you did get tested for stds. If you still have these feelings for the OM and the lack or remorse that you show, the OM would be free for you. Do make a choice and do it quickly. your H does deserve to know that you still have him in second place to your AP. Your H does not deserve to be married to you and to be your second choice. So either make your H your absolute first and only choice or file for D. Then after the D, you can do what you want. When you are married, you have already made choices and your H should never have to compete with anyone for your love. Hope you find peace one way or the other, but make a choice and stick with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You couldn't look at your ex-AP makes you think your H is controlling? Just put yourself in your H's shoes and ask yourself how would you feel if your H had an affair and instead of ignoring the AP, gave a smile, hugged her and asked about her well being? You really need to make your husband loved and desired and respected. In that situation you should have gripped his arm tighter and whispered an "I love you so much" in his ears. Take my suggestion - before you go to bed tonight, look into his eyes and say "I am sorry you had to see him, I love you so much". After that what you do, is between both of you.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You have no grounds for complaint. It's the least you can do to show some consideration for your husbands feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 My H and I have talked about this b4 and he doesn't want me to smile or nod or wave or acknowledge the AP at all even if H isn't around, and while I did try what was asked I don't know what to make of these feelings of dicord. I understand its normal to be sad to ignore someone you were once in love with, but its more the reaction I had that's bothering me. Not looking around keeping my head down .. I understand its normal to feel guilt shame and embarrassment but I don't want to feel controlled. Has anyone else run I to am awkward meeting with an exAP? That is your dilemma. Admitting to the A and being willing to participate in R, means that your husband will be in the controlling chair sometimes over your life, and you are going to have to acquiesce, if you want this to work. If being in that position is going to be difficult for you, or if you feel it may even result in a growing resentment or anger towards your H, then you may have to reconsider the R and consider D, or go back to IC and explore why you feel this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 That is your dilemma. Admitting to the A and being willing to participate in R, means that your husband will be in the controlling chair sometimes over your life, and you are going to have to acquiesce, if you want this to work. If being in that position is going to be difficult for you, or if you feel it may even result in a growing resentment or anger towards your H, then you may have to reconsider the R and consider D, or go back to IC and explore why you feel this way. How does reconciliation equate to a bs having control over a WS life? I wasn't controlling nor directing my stbx when we were reconciling. He is an adult, part of HIS changing was making better choices etc. Not following some script I wrote for him. I didn't want a circus bear to jump through my hoops of fire. Maybe I misunderstand your point here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 torn87, it appears that you are upset that you could not interact with the OM. If you have learned anything you being upset by this shows that there must be NC between the AP's forever because the underlying addiction for the AP is forgotten though never removed. Contact causes craving for the addiction again. You saw the OM and are mad that you could not take another hit and get high. Why where you and your BH where you could of run into the OM and break NC? How did your BH respond during and after this break in NC? What happened supports that when recovery is attempted that the couple move far away from the AP. So why have you and your BH not moved far away to recover your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Is your reconciliation with your husband sincere from your side? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 How does reconciliation equate to a bs having control over a WS life? I wasn't controlling nor directing my stbx when we were reconciling. He is an adult, part of HIS changing was making better choices etc. Not following some script I wrote for him. I didn't want a circus bear to jump through my hoops of fire. Maybe I misunderstand your point here? BSs require transparency, they often as in the OPs case require that the WS doesn't acknowledge the AP, they may dictate, actively or passively many aspects of a WS life after D-day, where they go, who they speak to, where they work etc. Yes, the WS may then make better choices for the marriage, but that doesn't mean that they don't feel controlled at some level. Control is not only about writing scripts, it can sometimes be a lot more subtle than that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 BSs require transparency, they often as in the OPs case require that the WS doesn't acknowledge the AP, they may dictate, actively or passively many aspects of a WS life after D-day, where they go, who they speak to, where they work etc. Yes, the WS may then make better choices for the marriage, but that doesn't mean that they don't feel controlled at some level. Control is not only about writing scripts, it can sometimes be a lot more subtle than that. Perhaps some. Not all want to live like that. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Has anyone else run I to am awkward meeting with an exAP? If the xBS in our situation is anything to go by, then the protocol is to have a complete meltdown, throw a hissy fit and embarrass your kids so that they refuse to have anything to do with you for the next few years. I think ignoring is a far, far more dignified option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Exactly Mal78 I don't want to look like a coward or appear battered. Unfortunately we all work together and I have been separated from interaction with AP as much as possible without quitting. My husband and I along with human resources discussed our options and wishes to remain within the company. I'm not angry with my husband at all about anything and he doesn't want to control me. Like purple sorrow said I need to make changes in my behavior and way of thinking he doesn't want me to jump thru hoops he wants me to be his equal and love him the way he loves me. I am extremely remorseful but my H and I are also strangely grateful. This experience taught us a lot about life our marriage and ourselves as individuals. I DO NOT see the AP in the worshipping all consuming light I did before but I don't think he's horrible either. Hes cheater yes...but so am I. So to call him horrible names and treat him callously is the exact same thing as doing it to myself in my opinion. My H understands how I feel about that and understands why I would want to know how the AP is doing in life. Just like I understand my H wants me to forget all about the guy... Both desiresare impossible but understandable and personally I don't see the productivity of tearing a person down for their actions in a community built to support people who have cheated. Yes I still have a lot to learn and I'm trying and I think I have significantly improved there has been NC since new years, and my husband is much happier that it has faded and I've left the AP alone on my own terms and my own speed instead of at Hdemand as hard as it was to accept. I respect and love my H more than I ever thought I could and its sad it took an A for me to see it and I don't deserve him never have never will...but im TRYING to now without becoming a doormat. That's no way to live and its not what my H would want from me either. I was just stiff with shock and all I could feel at the time was guilt shame embarrassment and stress. Was my H OK? Would my H want to leave or stay? Was my H going to hit the AP? But now that I've had this experience and gotten advice ( very little positive advice) I think I will do better next time and like someone said grab my H hand look up at him and tell him i love him. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes I still have a lot to learn and I'm trying and I think I have significantly improved there has been NC since new years... so it's only been like 3 months out of the A for you? sweetie, that is way too little time to learn anything valuable. & you dropped from your IC way too soon. you're only just getting started and the worst is yet to come. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 IMO, ignoring the ex-AP does not demonstrate cowardice. It demonstrates a complete commitment to your spouse to the exclusion of anyone else. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 It wasn't ignoring the AP that made me feel like a coward it was the looking down at my feet and not speaking or looking at anyone for fear of seeing the AP and making my H angry if i didnt react the way my H wanted me to. the affair has been over since August? We talked on FB a little after that and since the new year I haven't messaged him just looked at his FB once or twice to see that he's happy and alive lol. I don't hate him I never have and I don't think I ever will my H knows that and understands. Honestly we both feel sorry for him now mostly. As far as counseling MC a little less than a year and IC for over a year. She and I agreed that unless something changes our sessions had been a little redundant and to plan on stopping the IC as long as I continued the MC and to contact my IC if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 If all three of you work for the same company, both you and your husband need to find jobs with another company. I know this would be very disruptive to your lives, but, you already disrupted your lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) I am extremely remorseful but... So to call him horrible names and treat him callously is the exact same thing as doing it to myself in my opinion. . Well, is that such a bad thing to beat yourself up - a bit - for a while? and also beat up OM? Whats the matter with calling yourself, or OM, a few horrible names - didn't both you cause horrible pain to your husband break the vows of marriage? If that's not worth a few bad words... Heck, I have never cheated, but when I act like a douche to my family - I am very keen to later call myself out in front of them. I am my own worst critic and accountant. I agree however, holding your husband tight, looking at him with love, even saying "I am so lucky to have YOU" when these encounters happen is the best positive way to handle it. Later some HB sex when you get home is always a good choice as well Edited March 11, 2015 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 DO NOT see the AP in the worshipping all consuming light I did before but I don't think he's horrible either. Hes cheater yes...but so am I. So to call him horrible names and treat him callously is the exact same thing as doing it to myself in my opinion You will change your mind when you start seeing him flirt with the other female workers and when you hear he's banging one of them. Count on it happening. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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