Remorse can sometimes be a buzzkill.

[TrustedthenBusted]

As was the case the other night. We had a good day, and a good evening, and even had some good times between the sheets. Then, whilst laying in bed in post-coital bliss, a " where are they now" interview comes on TV of that young New York Times reporter Jason Blair who got busted telling all those whoppers a few years back.

 

I was only half listening to the interview, but he was talking about how he never PLANNED to to anything horrible, but how his anxiety and insecurity lead him to act a certain way, then tell one small lie, then a bigger one, then a bigger one, and then the lying became so easy, that things quickly spiraled out of control - trapping him in his own web.

 

Just about the time I was thinking " hmmmm...actually the guy makes a lot of sense" The wife can't hold it back anymore and bursts into tears. At first I thought she had just sneezed, but she was a wreck. Trembling, crying, shaking.

 

I was like WTF? I thought her appendix just burst or something, and all she could say was " I'm so sorry....I'm just so sorry." We didn't say another word, and I just held her until we fell asleep. ( which for me was like 12 seconds.)

 

In the morning, she said that interview just resonated with her big time because she never really planned on destroying our marriage or causing all this damage, but she just saw how one little lie lead to another, then another then another.

 

She said the first lie she remembers was her telling OM, before anything even happened between them was that she and I argued a lot, which we never did. There was a group conversation about arguments, and she just wanted to be a more active part of it. So under an imaginary bus I went.

 

Anyway, I suppose I should be happy with the show of remorse and regret, and the accompanying introspection etc... But I dunno.... I think maybe I've had enough and am ready to just be over it?

 

Is that weird? For those who don't know... I'm like 6 years into R.

[autumnnight]

You know what? You just became one of my favorite people. I cannot count the number of people who would probably have inwardly clapped with evil glee at their FWS's pain. I bet some people are right now. Thank you for being man enough to have compassion for the person you married, even though she was not perfect. YOU, sir, have character.

Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted full quote

[Rainbowlove]

I'm only 16 months in...

 

I still have those moments where something triggers me (like what your wife experienced).

 

It reminded her of who she was. It reminder her of how low she went in her life. It reminded her of how close she came to losing it all.

 

Will I still have those moments from time to time 6 years out? I'm thinking I'll likely have those moments for the rest of my life.

 

It's a heavy load to carry inside everyday. Yes, every day.

 

I tried to explain this to my wife the other night. We don't go around talking about the affair everyday, but there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not reminded of it. I wear it everyday. Some days it doesn't hurt so much. Some days it still hurts.

 

The funny thing is we read on here all the time that the WS wants to pretend like nothing happened and wants life to just move on already and for everyone to get over it. I don't think that's true for many of us.

 

Like you, my BS is wondering why I'm not over it yet. She wants me to forgive myself already. She wants to just move on from it. I told her I have forgiven myself for the most part and most days feel good, but some days are hard to conceive what I did and who I was.

 

I don't know if that kind of inner pain and shame ever fully goes away.

[Mal78]

This is very beautiful. I hear things like this years into R and it makes me realize how human we are and how easily we could make huge mistakes that could potentially ruin us. Or strengthen us.

 

I have said to myself over and over, I would never but truthfully I don't know that for a fact. I have never had the opportunity. I don't have a profession where I am in contact with male co-workers, I go to all female gym, I don't go to bars/clubbing, I don't search out chat rooms that would open that door... no interest.

 

These aren't just by choice, I don't see anything wrong with co-ed gyms or co-ed work places. I just didn't have these things arise. Perhaps being a WS could be me.

 

I, unfortunately am a BS 18 years R. My WH chops it up to (until recently, only recently has he been able to remotely talk about) being young and not knowing what he wanted. He thought with his penis and didn't have enough years with me to thinking with his heart.

 

I am finally finding some peace with something when I went years with nothing. You are fortunate.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is not one single day that goes by that i do not hate the person i became...i even look in the mirror and ask myself who was that woman and how did she get in here.

 

There are days...when it fatigues me...days when i think about ending it all...and i think everyone would be better off without me.

 

and then reality hits...i have to fold the clothes in the dryer or take the dinner out of the oven....and i think i am a good person...and many people love me. I did a terrible thing but it does not define who i am.

 

when you have watched the man you love crumble...because of the horrible things you did and said....when you see the hurt in his eyes and the question comes from his lips..why? and you cannot answer it...it is sometimes overwhelming. To know that you and you alone are responsible for the pain he feels...to know that the one person he trusted was you...and you betrayed him in the worst possible way....is gut wrenching.

 

I am 32 years out from DDay....i am the luckiest woman in the world...because my sweetheart gave me a second chance and he gave me TIME....

 

In 11 days i will be 60 and two weeks after that we will celebrate our 43rd anniversary...there is not a day that goes by...that i am not grateful for the gift he has given me...himself

 

Reconciliation is a beautiful gift...that i never take for granted.

[autumnnight]

There are days...when it fatigues me...days when i think about ending it all...and i think everyone would be better off without me.

 

When I read this it breaks my heart....and then it makes me angry. Because I bet it is not your husband who is making you feel that. I bet it is people who have never even met you. And that sickens me.

[drifter777]

I do not know what remorse looks like.

[autumnnight]

I do not know what remorse looks like.

 

Sometimes this is because the person isn't remorseful. Sometimes it is because it is hard to see remorse through the horrific pain of being betrayed. Which is why a truly remorseful WS won't give up after a week or a month. Sometimes a person simply won't let themselves see remorse.

 

In the OP, it sounds like the remorse was real, has been consistent, and not only does the OP see it, he is secure and compassionate enough to appreciate it and feel empathy for his wife.

 

He gets big props from me.

[purplesorrow]

I do not know what remorse looks like.

 

Why have you chosen to still accept that?

[BetrayedH]

I was only in reconciliation with my wife for 8 months, and frankly, she wasn't truly remorseful - she just feigned remorse. For me, I'm sorry to say that those few periods where she broke down were the few times that I actually felt better. I always regretted if I had pushed her to that point but the reality remains that they initially made me feel better. I'd say it must be progress to to not need those gestures, even if they are a source of irritation.

 

I do find it interesting that you mention that maybe you're ready to "just be over it." I think a true reconciliation takes both a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. In the early days, the heavy lifting, as they say, is on the wayward spouse to demonstrate that true remorse. But eventually the onus shifts from the wayward spouse to the betrayed spouse, and as much as the wayward may never be permitted to say it, the BS does eventually need to find a way to "get over it." It sounds like the 2-5 years have expired for you and the burden is truly shifting.

 

What's interesting to me is that it's not like the BS ever really got a break from any heavy lifting. We're carrying a burden throughout. But if reconciliation is what we want, this is what we're signing up for.

 

Anywho, I find it very positive that your wife still carries such remorse even six years later and that she's bypassing your need for it. Sounds hopeful to me. Personally, I hope you find a way to embrace forgiveness and to let her know as much. I'm sure she would be grateful for the gesture.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When I read this it breaks my heart....and then it makes me angry. Because I bet it is not your husband who is making you feel that. I bet it is people who have never even met you. And that sickens me.

 

No sweet autumn...I think I am past others making me feel bad in regards to my affair....and you are right...it isn't my beloved husband....

 

I do it to myself....if I could just undo what I have done....and it just becomes overwhelming.

 

Today in another thread...bad karma ...bless his heart....reminded me exactly what I have done. We tend to forget the true agony of infidelity....

We do tend to say..why can't we just get over it.....

 

The reality is you don't. You never get over it..oh the pain lessons....and you don't think about it all the time...but it is still there.

 

Hugs to you sweet girl....you have such a compassionate heart.

[autumnnight]

No sweet autumn...I think I am past others making me feel bad in regards to my affair....and you are right...it isn't my beloved husband....

 

I do it to myself....if I could just undo what I have done....and it just becomes overwhelming.

 

Today in another thread...bad karma ...bless his heart....reminded me exactly what I have done. We tend to forget the true agony of infidelity....

We do tend to say..why can't we just get over it.....

 

The reality is you don't. You never get over it..oh the pain lessons....and you don't think about it all the time...but it is still there.

 

Hugs to you sweet girl....you have such a compassionate heart.

 

Hugs back to you. You made me tear up. You may be the first person on a forum in a long time that I bet I could actually trust if I had the guts to. You have no idea what a big deal that is lol.

 

Yeah, it's us that usually can never ever let go of what we have done. Even if it isn't infidelity, when we know we have hurt someone we love, it never goes away. That is why I don't get people saying that a WS (or anyone else who has done the hurting) "gets off scot free." Living inside yourself with the truth is NOT scot free.

[TrustedthenBusted]

HOLY CRAP! You know what I just realized? This happened on the anniversary of D-DAY! Whoa... I wonder if she realized that and was thinking about it... or if it was bizarre coincidence that particular interview was on tv that night. Not only is it weird that it happened on that day, but this is probably the first year that date came and went and I didn't notice. Don't know how I forgot that because it's 2 days before my birthday which is usually a bad memory.

 

Trippy.

 

Anyway, thanks to the folks who think I am showing some sort of character, but I almost feel like I was being a bit....umm....I dunno... It wasn't like I was filled with compassion or anything. In fact I was sort of annoyed. lol.

 

I was hoping for Round II of some lovin! So that got buzzkilled.

 

For those still in the first couple years....the only reason I come here is to let you know that if your spouse is remorseful, and starts doing the right things, you CAN get to a place where you'd honestly rather put the whole thing in the past, as much as, if not MORE than your WS.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

For those who don't know... I'm like 6 years into R.

 

A sobering thought but certainly believable. I'm often taken aback by the number of posters who state "It's been 6 months since DDay and we're totally fine", certainly (in my experience) not possible.

 

Makes me glad I left after 2 years of very little progress. Hope your good days continue to outnumber the bad...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jnel921]

A sobering thought but certainly believable. I'm often taken aback by the number of posters who state "It's been 6 months since DDay and we're totally fine", certainly (in my experience) not possible.

 

Makes me glad I left after 2 years of very little progress. Hope your good days continue to outnumber the bad...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We are almost 2 and half years out and we are fine... better than before... my H is truly remorseful. He has randomly cried as well. Especially if we've had a great time or experience. I understand the OP feelings.

 

We've done the work and are still working. Its hard but our M was worth fighting for. Glad I stayed.

[Mr. Lucky]

We've done the work and are still working. Its hard but our M was worth fighting for. Glad I stayed.

 

 

Glad it worked out for you. To this day, I'm not sure if it was my WS reluctance or my skepticism that doomed us...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowlove]

Glad it worked out for you. To this day, I'm not sure if it was my WS reluctance or my skepticism that doomed us...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was both. There can be neither.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Makes me glad I left after 2 years of very little progress. Hope your good days continue to outnumber the bad...

 

 

Thank you.

 

The two years thing... man, let me tell you. At the 2 year mark I was ready to throw in the towel. I was like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV when Apollo is getting his ass whipped by the Russian dude, and ROcky SWORE he wouldn't throw in the towel no matter what!

 

I had the towel IN MY HAND AND HELD UP ready to throw it in. She just didn't get it, and wasn't understanding why I couldn't simply move on. PLUS she was still sugar coating things despite the mountain of evidence I had given her proving that I can acccept a horrible truth much more easily than an easy lie.

 

But I held on to that towel, and luckily I held it long enough for something in her to click.

 

Anyway, I tell you all that, just to let you know that I understand what it's like to struggle for that long, and I don't blame you one bit for deciding it was long enough. I still wonder how I made it through that crap.

[Mr. Lucky]

She just didn't get it, and wasn't understanding why I couldn't simply move on.

 

That observation eerily accurate.

 

Congrats on your perseverance. There are plenty of stories of loss here, nice to read about a win...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

You know what? You just became one of my favorite people. I cannot count the number of people who would probably have inwardly clapped with evil glee at their FWS's pain. I bet some people are right now. Thank you for being man enough to have compassion for the person you married, even though she was not perfect. YOU, sir, have character.

This is just nuts. Evil glee??? Evil? This post is not logical (how can you count or not count a number that you "bet" or conjectured "probably" did something?)and adds nothing to OP's anecdote or the topic. Pure vendetta and for what?

 

Didn't I read an explanation from a moderator that the OW/OM forum was created a few years ago because of this sort of dissension and intrusive carping in the infidelity forum? So why do they come here? To beat up BHs some more while they're down?

Edited March 12, 2015 by merrmeade

[fellini]

I think too that some people are not wired for remorse.

 

And I do not mean by that they are psychopaths. I mean, in the most respectful way, that some people do not have the skills, or perhaps the desire to go too far down some paths which will require them to face themselves as they have NEVER EVER faced themselves, NOT because they are necessarily narcissitic, or lack empathy, or mean, or selfish, but simply because

 

to go there would destroy them psychologically and they do not have the resources to make that journey.

 

 

Sometimes this is because the person isn't remorseful. Sometimes it is because it is hard to see remorse through the horrific pain of being betrayed. Which is why a truly remorseful WS won't give up after a week or a month. Sometimes a person simply won't let themselves see remorse.

 

In the OP, it sounds like the remorse was real, has been consistent, and not only does the OP see it, he is secure and compassionate enough to appreciate it and feel empathy for his wife.

 

He gets big props from me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Fellini i absolutely agree with you. I don't think some people ever comprehend what remorse is. It took me 30 years to find it. When i read here that people are three months out and are on their way to recovery...it blows my mind.

 

I know it took no less than 4 years maybe 5 for us to even begin to heal....i see in my minds eye how we were....he was almost like a zombie...and i was defensive. Granted we did not nave the resources people have now...but would i have even been open to those resources?

 

I come here and try to explain what remorse is...and i cannot find the words....

[fellini]

I understand. There are resources and there are resources.

 

I meant it the way you finally see it... "cannot find the words".

 

And I think some do not even desire to go looking for the words, because, well, be careful what you wish for... and not because they don't love their spouses, but because remorse is, in the end, deeply personal, and as I say, some people find it too difficult if not impossible to leave the comfort zone for a journey in which the final destination means it was a one way ticket, or there is no way back.

 

I believe my WW is one such person. The thought of doing something extremely introspective, is something I think she is putting off and looking for alternatives in order to avoid it.

Does she regret she had an affair? of course. Does she see my pain? No question. Does she have empathy issues? Like anyone else might.

Is she remorseful? Certainly, up to a point. But in the beginning she limited that to issues of "personal dignity", questions about why she made the decisions that she did. I think there are deeper questions that need to be answered, and I don't believe that the answers only address infidelity, they would put into question who she really is. And that is a trip I don't think too many people really want to take at age 50 plus, let alone at 35.

 

Fellini i absolutely agree with you. I don't think some people ever comprehend what remorse is. It took me 30 years to find it. When i read here that people are three months out and are on their way to recovery...it blows my mind.

 

I know it took no less than 4 years maybe 5 for us to even begin to heal....i see in my minds eye how we were....he was almost like a zombie...and i was defensive. Granted we did not nave the resources people have now...but would i have even been open to those resources?

 

I come here and try to explain what remorse is...and i cannot find the words....

Edited March 12, 2015 by fellini

[Mrs. John Adams]

That is certainly true....when you find it...it truly changes everything.

 

I imagine that remorse is very similar to how the BS feels when he/she first finds out that their spouse has cheated. Complete devastation. Your world spins out of control and you cannot stop it....and then you realize...it is your fault. You did this to yourself...to your spouse...to your family.

 

I remember the very moment it hit me...and it literally put me in the floor. I have never cried gut wrenching cries like that before....and i could not understand how i could be the evil person that had done this.

 

I was always sorry...dont get me wrong...but remorse is a whole different level....

 

once i could speak...I was overwhelmed with a desire to heal him...and i knew only i could do that...and it became my mission...to do everything within me the rest of my life to take that pain away from him...no matter what i had to do to accomplish it. The focus became him...the focus became healing his pain.

 

Does this make sense?

[fellini]

Interesting observations. I believe something similar is happening right now with my WW. Although the issue in our case is not the evidence "against her", it's the question of meaning, what to make of her fall. And although she had an "epiphany" about 2 months ago (finally "getting it" about how she really screwed up the first year of recovery and recon., she woke up the other night and told me, I want to talk to you about something... and well, a week later I am waiting for this conversation. Im sure it will be something I have been waiting to hear for 20 months now.

 

Something, a "small truth" that will pass through her lips and fill my world with a pleasant Eureka.

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

 

The two years thing... man, let me tell you. At the 2 year mark I was ready to throw in the towel. I was like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV when Apollo is getting his ass whipped by the Russian dude, and ROcky SWORE he wouldn't throw in the towel no matter what!

 

I had the towel IN MY HAND AND HELD UP ready to throw it in. She just didn't get it, and wasn't understanding why I couldn't simply move on. PLUS she was still sugar coating things despite the mountain of evidence I had given her proving that I can acccept a horrible truth much more easily than an easy lie.

 

But I held on to that towel, and luckily I held it long enough for something in her to click.

 

Anyway, I tell you all that, just to let you know that I understand what it's like to struggle for that long, and I don't blame you one bit for deciding it was long enough. I still wonder how I made it through that crap.